All Comments on 'Jayne Ch. 01'

I am not exactly sure where you are going with this but continue anyway. The only thing I will say is that some of the sentences are a bit mixed up, but then I can't really talk about that too much can I? my stories often have sentences that are mixed up. Anyway I am looking forward to your next chapter.

The plot is all over the place and the dialogue is atrocious. She'll allow her boss to hire his granddaughter even though they have to fire two other employees, furthermore, she will allow her boss to openly leer at her body even though it is degrading. This shouldn't be about keeping her husband...it should be about keeping her job.

There's something going on that she doesn't know yet.Why does she let the boss feel her up and make her wear clothes she doesn't like.I think her husband and the grand-daughter has something going on. The plot is a little hard to follow, and her character seems to be a little shallow, or hard to believe.Anyway I'll be looking for the next chapter, and maybe everything will iron out. Thanks for the chapter....Rich

This is just a mess.

One of the best dialogue sequences I have seen in Lit. What a way do the "showing" thing every one is talking about! Yes, it requires some attention from the reader, but the characters come to life so quickly! <P>

As this is only chapter one, I accept that I don't know yet every thing about each character. For this stage of the story - it should NOT be counted as a minus. The sense that 'there is more that we should know’; goes to the suspense. Top notch (and original) story so far...

to offset asshole's 1

Too silly even for further comment. British wit is almost as good as British food.

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