Jimmy the Frog

"Cover your eyes baby. You are too innocent for this. Well we have more ads coming up that help pay for this nonsense. You have been a good sport Faye and I assure LA if the city does have any uptight listeners Faye didn't lay a finger on me nor I on her. This was just my way as a hick from Indiana of doing an investigation to personally find if any woman on our staff was good enough to swing ass and ti... er breast on the streets of LA. Faye as you can guess was hidden behind tailored white linen, but when she uncovered for me I can vouch she got triple-A rating for her top two and the rating for ass shattered our ass-meter when the reading went off the top of the dial. Here are more ads. We want you to love our advertisers otherwise I'll be shipped back to Indiana in a cage. When we come back we'll take some calls on the subject should this city be called Flip, Flop, Los Angles or City of Too Many Hookers? Okay on you way Faye – no I don't want you to show me how artfully you can strip. Arf, arf, arf."

Faye unlocked the door and vice-present Andrew Lucas said, "Great tits Faye. Jimmy, shake my hand. We've been told a quarter of Flip Flop has tuned into you. You are presently King of the Airwaves. We have our attorney's dealing with the broadcasting complaints and standards authorities. Man you are good. We want you to interview a chick for the first hour every Monday, but the chick of our choice."

"Okay boss. Make Faye my program manager will you. Throw bucks at her until she says yes."

"Anything you say Jimmy."

"James."

"No, you are now Jimmy Frog off air."

"Okay. Oh, rack up advertising rates for my show will you. We ought to be worth three times the peak morning rate."

"I don't now about three times but I'll get our people working on it Jimmy."

Jimmy had finished the show and was having a shower when Faye walked in.

"Oh god Jimmy, I've seen smaller ones on a horse."

"Something to get your teeth into, right baby?"

He was ignored. "I'm now working for you. Mom wants you at her place for dinner tonight."

"Why?"

"Because she doesn't want you sniffing around me until she has approved of you."

"Oh, okay."

"I thought I'd have to fight you to get you to agree."

"No, it's a reasonable request for any mother to make. In fact it's a standard all mothers should impose."

"God Jimmy – we are all to call you Jimmy now – you are so different."

"It's an illusion babe. One you get used to me you'll think I'm just like all the rest – only interested in you for your body."

"Aren't you Jimmy?"

"No I like your style and your brain better."

"Oh Jimmy!"

"Get away from me Faye – you know the rule your mom has imposed on you."

Jimmy eyed the woman's plastic face, although it could have been an excessive coating of make up. "Good evening Mrs Steinway-Wilson."

"Please call me Pamela. You will remember me from my films."

"No."

"You must?"

"I never read the credits or go to movies unless on a hot date. Where you in Hollywood mainstream, film festival circuit or porn?"

"Hollywood but I wish I had made it to the top in that other category?"

"You mean porn?"

Pamela appeared to be chewing her cud. "Faye said you tease excessively?"

"Well it's not my fault; there is so much about women to tease."

"And she said you could be revoltingly rude."

Jimmy grinned and told Pamela she was a real flatterer.

Faye came down dressed in sexy silk and they went in to dinner.

As the two women stood on the landing to farewell Jimmy, Faye said, "Do I have your permission to fuck him mommy if that moment should arise?"

"Oh yes darling. And when you've finished with him pass him on to me. He's such a rogue."

"Did you hear that Jimmy?"

He turned and said yeah.

"When will it happen?"

"Neither of us should try to make it happen; just let it happen. It will be so memorable if we do."

"Oh god," Pamela said, clutching at the door-frame for support. The boy should be writing film scripts."

On Friday of that first week, a story under Jimmy's photo in the LA Times was headed, 'Frog From Midwest Commands Afternoon Radio.' The statistics for Monday estimated KLUG began that afternoon slot with 2.01% of afternoon radio audience with the figure peaking at 7.07% at 4:00 pm. On Tuesday the average audience tuned in to KLUG was 18.03% and yesterday it was a staggering 38.8%.

The write Pru Flemington described Jimmy the Frog, real name James Froggatt, as charming (off air) and irrepressible, extremely good looking without hayseeds in his hair, being born to struggling crop farmers. His father, since died, had sold stored grain during a price boom to provide the cash to take Jimmy through college when he gathered a degree in media studies.

"I asked, what makes you tick Jimmy. His reply was: "Looking at great boobs like yours Miss Flemington, possessing a real interest in people and the love of teasing, especially women."

Pru ended the small story: "Jimmy the Frog can tease me any time he wishes. And the Frog could kiss me; I'd liked to be turned into a Princess."

"Good afternoon LA and environs. This is Jimmy the Frog. Hope you all read the story about KLUG and me in this morning's Times. That newspaper should be advertising on this show but probably would turn its nose down as being associated with the likes of me. We have received more than 2000 letters telling the station manager I'm an asshole and should be pulled off air. The manager hasn't read his mail yet because he's down at the bank riding shotgun over our people banking all this extra revenue this program is dragging in. So please love our advertisers. Turn up the volume when you go for a pee during the advertising break and that will keep them happy and keep me in this slot. Let's have some calls on the topic: should the station manager fire me""

"Yes asshole, and good riddance."

"I hope he sends you to Outer Mongolia. You are the worse dickhead on air."

"What is wrong with these people? I'm dying and you Jimmy are taking me to my grave smiling."

"Jimmy here Angela. Sorry you are dying. Care to talk about the problem?"

"It the number one cause of death Jimmy, old age. I'm eighty-nine."

"Well I'll do my best to keep you smiling through 100 Angela, that is if the station manager goes slow on firing me.

"You idiot. No station manager is going to fire you. You're the biggest thing in talk radio in America today."

"Thanks Fiona. Love the smell of your perfume."

"It's musk."

"Oooh. Cross your legs Fiona. You have no idea just how big some of those talk hosts are on the east coast or is it the south? I will permit you to call me the biggest mouth in talk radio in LA today."

"Okay, you are in biggest mouth in talk radio in LA today."

"Oh darling, squeeze those thighs tightly, do your hear? Which reminds me, my weekly guest on Monday's show will be a bimbo from the 100,000 of them loose in Hollywood. Don't know her name but wouldn't be surprised if she [bleep]... there goes that F-word again."

"Are you implying I'm a bimbo Jimmy?"

"No Fiona. You have intelligence. We'll take the next call now."

"Jimmy these people who call in are not who they profess they are."

"How do you know that Di?"

"I don't know."

"I guess we have identified a Bimbo. Thanks for your call Di. We're taking an ad break.

"Jimmy the Frog speaking. I've just had an asshole of an idea. Station rules prevent me from soliciting money for charity. A young girl who is dying of cancer called in but was not allowed to come on air because she is under age and as you know this is an adult program. Well fortunately one of our girls on the phone made some notes of what Sally's mother told us, and that's how I know your name is Sally. You are in remission Sally and we are very glad about that. We'll take five calls from people who with to say hi to Sally."

"Hi Sally. My name is Clara and when I was eight my mom was told I was dying. I had remission after remission and one day the doctors became aware my remissions had all joined up. I was one of the lucky ones and am thirty-eight now and have three lovely children – two are high school seniors and one is at college. Good luck Sally. I love you."

"Jesus Clara. What a story. If you feel like talking to me one day on air give us a call. We'll leave that to you. Wasn't Clara so lovely to you Sally and for your mom to hear?" Our next guess is Melvyn.

"Well Sally all of LA will be rooting for you too pull through this. My love to you and your mother."

"Oh Jimmy, sorry about the wobbles in my voice but it was so wonderful hearing Clara's message to young Sally. My thoughts go out to you Sally and your family and to you Clara. Oh god, what a story."

"Thank you Fanny. I don't think we should cut off these messages to Sally. Let's run with them for a full hour and listeners, there will be other people out there who will find this talkback inspirational. I feel so humble and am so glad radio KLUG interfaces so brilliantly with people in this way. Thank you thank you everyone. We go through till 4:00 with this, with ad breaks of course. Think well of our advertisers, won't you."

"The very humble Jimmy the Frog here. That was by far the most heart-warming hour I've had in my short life in broadcasting. Station rules prevent me from soliciting money for charitable causes. Well this is not a charitable cause. Why don't you guys who feel like doing this, place something green in an envelope and mail it to Sally's Cancer Research Fund care of the Jimmy the Frog Show, Station KLUG, LA. We will appoint advisers in the field to assist allocating the loot, if we raise any. I'll be first in with my 100 green ones. Checks are acceptable. God I feel great. Keep in touch Sally's mom. After this ad break we'll talk about the joy of laughing."

CHAPTER 2

Next morning Jimmy (James was now calling himself Jimmy) called the station. The overnight mail had produced ten letters with donations for Sally's Cancer Research Fund. Jimmy was bitterly disappointed. He had to talk about it with someone so called Faye. Her mother said she was away for the weekend with her boyfriend. That cut up Jimmy. He simply hadn't considered Faye would have a boyfriend. God, he was a hick from Orion!

Pamela said, "Talk to me Jimmy. Something is wrong isn't it?"

"Did you listen to the show yesterday?"

"Yes, you were so wonderful over Sally's call that couldn't be put through. So you think it was genuine?"

"Yes before I was told it was verified including by their family doctor. She has a form of leukemia. She has the slimmest of chances."

"Oh it's so sad."

"Pamela, I called the station half an hour ago to find out how much mail had arrived overnight for the fund. Just ten items."

"Oh God, how sad for you. Look Jimmy, dress up casual formal and come here just after 2:00 this afternoon. I'm hosting a garden party for old friends, some of who might like to respond after you tell Sally's story. It's unlikely any of them would have heard of you."

Ten minutes later Jimmy was over the moon. The station called him asking did he wish to speak to a person from the US postal service.

Something triggered within Jimmy. He had great instincts. "You bet."

"Mail is flooding in for you guys," said the chief duty supervisor. "We have scanned some of it and could determine many envelopes have five bucks but we sighted a couple with five hundred bucks in them and one with a check for ten thousand. Jimmy, my advice is let us to store this for you in security until you guys work out how to disburse of it. My suggestion is to open a bank account and have us deliver to them in stages."

"Stages? How much mail for Sally's fund do you have?"

"I'm looking at about two van loads right now. But the real inflow will come in tonight."

"Oh hail the generous people of the City of Angeles."

"Say that on your show Monday Jimmy. Get to a bank now as many close at noon Saturdays and complete the paper work and make arrangements for us to begin transfers this afternoon."

Three hours later Jimmy had opened accounts at the Bank of America and Wells Fargo Banks and was at the mail center drinking coffee with the chief duty supervisor and watching security vans from the two banks arriving to make the first transfers. Extra guards had been called in.

"Ain't this just something," Jimmy said, tears flowing. Carl the supervisor held him across the shoulders and advised Jimmy to let it flow.

* * *

Jimmy arrived at the garden party just before 2:20. There were about sixty people in groups under umbrellas sipping champagne.

Pamela, looking queenly, rushed over the greet him.

"Oh you poor guy. You looked washed out."

"It's fine, just emotional. US Post called me. The mail is flooding in. I've opened two bank accounts and security vans are transferring mail to bank strong rooms. The banks both volunteered to open the envelopes and bank the money and set aside any correspondence for us, doing it free of charge."

"Oh that's wonderful. I have a photographer from the Times booked to arrive at 3:00 when we'll hit these people up for donations. Every dollar counts. Some of these people here are power people of the silver screen, many of them still active."

Pamela introduced Jimmy Froggatt and said although nobody would know who her was...

"Ohmigod, he's Jimmy the Frog on radio KLUG who thinks half the women on the streets of LA are out of work hookers and all women in Hollywood are bimbos," yelled a bright young thing, running towards Jimmy to kiss him.

"She's Julia Rodney, star of Deathship Orion."

Jimmy had no idea who she was. But he was relieved to see a lynch mob didn't appear to be forming. Instead almost everyone was laughing. Pam in a loud voice had told them the people of LA were taking a battering on the airwaves with Jimmy teasing them for taking themselves too seriously.

He was among friends? It seemed very unlikely and yet after Pamela appealed to everyone to give generously, Pamela's accountant, who was a guest with his wife a retired film star of the 1980s, announced jovially, "A mite over $15,000 that nicely equates to a third of the size of our hostess's chest."

The crowd roared in laughter and the photographer took a great shot of Jimmy being handed a garden bucket of cash and checks and surrounded by grinning celebrities.

"I'm humbled by this generosity," Jimmy said. "Sally will read this in Los Angeles Times Sunday and will be very pleased with you guys. Thank you."

Jimmy slept off his huge hangover throughout Sunday, Every time he awoke he thought of the mail for Sally's appeal coming into the mail-sorting center. He went out at 4:00 for a meal and boggled a page five of the LA Times Sunday. There was a photo from the garden party, with Pamela leaning dangerously forward toward the bucket he was holding, showing heaps of her 44-inch bust and the drunk-looking gang of celebrities around them. The accompanying story suggested the listeners of Jimmy the Frog on Friday on Radio KLUG were likely to be sending in something approaching $4 million for cancer research in California as a result of a heart-wrenching story of a girl who called in to talk to him but could not be put through because she was under-age. But then Jimmy the Frog turned everything around.

'This guy is hot' stated part of the caption under a single column photo of Jimmy the Frog in action in his radio booth. There was also a pointer to 'Sally's Story'.

Jimmy's heart sank but then lifted when he turned to the story. There was no photo of Sally and nothing to identify her. The reporter stated they had traced who she was and Sally's mother agreed to talk to the reporter and allow Sally to talk providing Sally's identity was kept secret.

The story wasn't written as a tear-jerker and there was hope. One of the specialists said there was a slim chance that Sally's body might win out. She was very aware she could die and was philosophical about it but she would also hopeful 'for mom's sake' that she would survive. "I must remain positive," Sally said.

God, thought Jimmy. What a brave little girl. He was such a clown in comparison. He also thought of Sally's solo mom and what she was going through.

Faye called Jimmy from her boyfriend's parents' home and said she'd just read the story. "Jimmy, you really are a wonderful guy. Brent's mom was amazed I was so close to you. She laughed and said one minute you're a right rotten toad suggesting all women were unemployed hookers and then doing something like this. I imagine you can guess she is a big fan of yours. Jimmy, mom also called. She said you were devastated that I had a boyfriend – she said it had never occurred to you that I would. I'll drop Brent if you like?"

"No, I couldn't ask you to do that. You stick with him Faye. It is so good you have called. It has been such an emotional weekend for me."

* * *

Had Jimmy said yes drop Brent she might not have done so. But with him telling her not to do it she was confused and began thinking more and more about Jimmy and what she termed his heart of gold.

"Ah, you look troubled. Was that your other boyfriend you were talking to?"

"Yes, I'm his program manager Brent."

"My mother recorded that session of you undressing for him. I thought it was hilarious but at the same time I now think you might not be such a suitable companion for me. You know I am deeply involved in the youth work I'm doing with the Minister of our church and the committee. It's likely I will soon be appointed director of youth work."

"Brent perhaps I can change. However I should point out Jimmy the Frog will still want to fuck me."

"Faye you cannot talk to me like that."

"Well it's time for us to return home. On the way I'll keep my mouth shut to allow you to have a good think about it Brent and then let me know your decision. You may have the view I'm unlikely to change from who I am."

"Right, good idea. Let's grab our bags and say goodbye to the family."

* * *

Jimmy was a little glum when Faye called. "Hi, I've just arrived home and about to have late dinner. I feel very flat. I told Brent about you and his dumped me."

"Oh Faye, I am so sorry. Exhausted by all the seductions and now being dumped."

"Brent and I have never had sex."

"What?"

"It's the truth."

"Are you a virgin?"

"No you fool. Oh come around. Mom is in the spa drinking champagne. We can join her but for heaven's sake bring a swimsuit. If you go in nude she'll have a piece of you."

"Er, could I just sit on the sideline and drink coffee?"

"Yes of course. But come prepared to stay the night. I need some sort of comforting."

"What sort of comforting?"

"Arms around me, kisses on the shoulder. You know, that sort of thing."

Ten minutes later Jimmy set forth in trepidation. But it worked out fine. The three of them were friendly and none of them had sex that night or next morning.

* * *

"This is the Jimmy the Frog Show, humble Jimmy I hope. I can confirm Sally and her mom are listening. You will have read in the newspaper that over the next couple of days something approaching $4 million dollars – no one really knows surely – could be deposited into the Sally Cancer Research Trust Fund as it's now being called. I bent the rules asking for something green to be placed in envelopes and to be sent to the fund. Anyway it's not charity, it's for research. Excuse me for a moment."

"That was Sally's mom. She and Sally wish to thank every one too. Sally's mom sounds very nice, and highly emotional as you can imagine. I take off my hat to everyone who has contributed and I tossed in my little bit. In the deed of trust being drafted today Sally and you are being named a patron of the society being formed to administer the fund. It means you are the figurehead. Mommy will explain what that means. I feel so proud of your guys who are backing Sally and people in her predicament. My heart is near bursting. I'm so glad I came to LA and it truly is City of Angels. I find it necessary to take an early ad break. Thank you."