Jimmy the Frog

"This is the Jimmy the Frog Show. Do you guys remember my first LA show on Radio KLUG? [bleep] there goes that dreaded F-word again. That first show was only a week ago. You remember I undressed our PR manager Faye. Well now she is my program manager and I think we are destined to become sweethearts. I not sure about us becoming lovers because I don't know if she does it. And here's Faye escorting my Monday Interview person, who apparently is a Hollywood Bimbo. Oh save me, they appear to be sticking out a foot in front of her and I'm not talking false eyelashes. I'm telling you, if she let those pair loose going downhill on skates she'd get into a speed wobble. I must find if she does skate and goes down hills."

"Hello Special Guest. I know nothing about you so please be patient with me. Who are you pretty one?"

"Elke Leigh."

"Who?"

"E-L-K-E space L-E-I-G-H."

"Oh thanks, I'm only a radio host and everyone knows that are as thick as a block of wood. Apart from your tits... er, worry. I lost focus. What is your claim to fame Elke?"

"I'm a very committed actress with walk-on roles in 'Magic is the Moon, 'Guns of Mean Street' and 'Oceans in Space' but I now feel something bigger could happen.'

"Are they titles of kids' R18 video games?"

"No you funny man," Elke giggled. "They are mainstream movies. Don't you go to movies?"

"Not really, unless I have a hot date who wants to see a high school movie."

"Then you believe we are wasting your time?"

"No more than you are coming on to the show hoping that it will improve your career prospects."

"That is being cynical Mr Frog."

"Wow, that is a big word and abstract thinking for a Hollywood bimbo."

Elke was silent.

"What, aren't you taking the bait?"

"I'm here to represent what you call the bimbos of Hollywood Mr Frog, not to engage in pointless debate. I was a top student in my class at high school and come from Hobbs in New Mexico where my family stables and trains quarter horses. I won a scholarship to acting classes when only seven with girls up to 14 were competing and have been in acting tuition ever since. I am now twenty-two and acting is my life. I was invited to Hollywood almost two years ago for a screen test but that was a sham. But I've stayed here, like so many other woman have, working in restaurants at night and looking for a career break during the day. I go on dates hoping they will lead to somewhere other than bed. And that's about it. Like many other young women you call bimbos, I think I'm a great young woman with heaps of talent but have to get this message through to the right person."

"Well thank you Elke. That was quite a speech. I'd like to ask what you use to color your hair to get that albino blonde look? And to ask what you do to make yourself look so pretty but we must pause for an ad break. Anyone who wants to give Elke a break – and by that I don't mean in bed – should call KLUG now."

"This is Freddy the Frog back on air. Elke, you have something you really want to say?"

"Yes, I want you to repeat what you said to me during the ad break."

"Oh that, it was nothing. Listeners don't want to hear that stuff."

"Please Mr Frog."

"Well I said I grew up on movies and loved them and when the acting was good I lived within them. They became a dimension of my life and probably assisted in my emotional development and I'm one of those guys who cry at good movies. I said I was impressed tremendously by you Elke and me being a yokel from Indiana – not that it has many yokels – I was probably as misguided about Hollywood bimbos as I was alleging half the women on the streets of LA were out of work hookers."

"That was a dreadful thing to say about the women of LA Mr Frog."

"I accept that. And some women abused me for that. But to my surprise I learned something about the women of LA. Heaps of others just laughed and said I was funny and entertaining."

"That was the very reason why I agreed to come on to your show as a token Hollywood bimbo Mr Frog."

"Well Elke, listen to this call that came in for me during this ad break."

"Oh hi Jimmy. God you are hilarious alleging Elke is cynical. What about you? You met me at Pamela Stenway-Wilson's garden party on Saturday where we donated and gave you a bucketful of money for darling Sally's Cancer Research Fund. I'm Farrah, the woman you looked at my breasts and asked hilariously was I a porn actress. In my work I carry out preliminary film tests of batch-selected actors and actresses for a studio. Next week we'll be working to select three candidates for studio selection as a possible support actress for a film to be shot in Texas about the effects of drought on a small town community. The search for such an actress calls for a lively new-face young blonde woman in her twenties with a natural southern accent. That sounds like Elke to a 'T'. I want you to contact me Elke. I have left details with Jimmy's manager Faye."

"Just a moment folk while I pick Elke up off the floor by something I can grab. Oh it's her thong. Oh FANTASTIC. It looks so pretty."

"Oh Mr Frog. You shouldn't see me like this."

"Lots of women wear thongs beside the pool or at the gym Elke. No folk, this is just nonsense. I was filling in while Elke was biting the edge of the desk across from me attempting to deaden her scream of joy. I remember Farrah clearly because of her impressive tits. So much of them were hanging out. LA-Hollywood must be the tit capital of the world. Elke now has her arms folded over hers so I can't see them. She is so lovely and charming, just the type of girl I want to be when I grow up. She's recovered now. Say something Elke."

"May I come around the desk and kiss you?"

"Yeah, but no tonguing."

"Mr Frog!"

"That was a joke. Nothing but a sweet kiss will occur Elke because my manager Faye has come forward to the glass to keep an eye on my behavior. This radio station has high standards to uphold."

"Oh lovely. So sweet there were no sound effects to broadcast."

"Mr Frog, this is a break I was hoping for. Thank you, thank you. Although nothing may come from it I remain hopeful. I must keep finding these small breaks because you know what happens when they stop coming?"

"You marry a producer?"

"No Mr Frog. There are not nearly enough of them to go round. Sadly, I pack my bags and go home defeated."

"Well Farrah, I hope you are still listening. You probably have helped to start actors into a successful film career. Here's the chance to do it for Elke if she measures up. I think her measurements look perfect. We all admire you Farrah for taking his initiative. Good luck Elke. Now listeners I know I'm winning the big reputation of as Village Idiot of Radio but I can assure you nothing about this segment of today's program was pre-arranged except Faye was asked to fetch in a bimbo from Hollywood. She found Elke working in a restaurant. Ooops, I'm about to sneeze."

"Now I know this could sound suspiciously coincidence but I wish to put everything on the table. I declare Faye is my personal assistant and her mom is Pamela Stenway-Wilson who held that garden party where Farrah happened to be one of the guests. I had called to tell Faye that money for the Sally trust fund was beginning to roll in, but Faye was away for the weekend. On the spur of the moment, Pamela invited me to the garden party and suggested I hit them all for contributions to Sally's research fund. I didn't ask for money. I just told those people what was happening and they then dug deep, spurred on by their hostess. I lied about Farrah's breasts, they were about average size but it was true rather a lot of skin was uncovered but so were most of the other females bent on sunning themselves. Heaps of vitamin something is absorbed by tits. My final declaration is thanks to my guest Elke I no longer will assume all Hollywood blondes are bimbos. My guest next Monday will be Veronica Wilkinson who manufacturers made to order bras. We'll now rest while more ads play and then talk about toilet experiences. Apparently some people have hilarious tales to tell. If this doesn't appeal switch off and listen to the opposition. Don't blame me if you do that and deprive yourself of a suitcase full of laughs. No please, don't call to ask how does one place laughs in a suitcase or check they are packed in orderly. We do talk nonsense here, don't we? I can tell you, it's hard work to earn salary by being stupid."

At the conclusion of the show Faye kissed him. "So, you don't know if I do it, eh?

"Or know if you really how to do it."

"You are such a dough-head. I'll take you to dinner tomorrow night to allow me to find just how good you are at going for your target. I'm off to go bowling tonight with the girls and we'll eat out late."

* * *

Jimmy took a call when he in the cab heading for his very modest studio apartment.

"Hi, it's Diane Joseph from People Moving Up Magazine. I'd like to interview you."

"This evening would be fine. Do you fuck Diane?"

Diane cut the call.

She was back in less than a minute to apologize.

"I'm sorry for acting the outraged virgin. I had overlooked you will be a perpetual boof-head, acting the way you do on your show."

"I'm off home to put my feet up. Why don't you come by to my studio apartment that is untidy and my views are at other apartments. Come with take-outs – I have plenty of wine and beer. Otherwise I'm unlikely to find the time to talk to you Diane."

"This sounds like a seduction set-up."

"Oh really, I though you wanted to interview me? I have read your magazine."

"Oh really, one of my articles?"

"No I was in the toilet and it was about some woman who pots flowers in old boots and is making a fortune because it's a new trend."

"Oh, Jill Rogers. She's our best writer."

"Magazine stories also need to be strong in content as well Diane. Interview well and I ought to be able to supply content. People may then consider you a good writer."

"You are now sounding more cooperative than darkly ominous."

"I'm that kind of guy. Bring low-fat and delicious."

Diane arrived with boxes. She looked skinny. If she had one arresting feature it was her eyes – deep, dark and mournful. Jimmy automatically checked out her chest and grinned when she said, "You'll need a magnifying glass."

The writer in her mid-thirties smiled dropping her gaze but didn't answer when Jimmy asked, "Big pussy?

He asked where was the photographer and she said she'd send one to the radio station next day.

"You really were expecting me to be accompanied by a photographer, weren't you?"

"Yep."

"That gives me a different impression of you Mr Frog."

"You can note anything I say from now on until we have sex, er, until you decide that you will have sex with me."

Diane turned her recorder on and went looking for dishes and then began opening the boxes, saying she'd decided on vegetarian Chinese with no additives apart from a few shakes of sea salt. Desert would be fresh fruit slices and low-fat cream. She began laying out a small banquet.

"In answer to your last comment, "I'm just a country boy Diane. Radio KLUG thought I had something to bring to LA so bought out my contract. They believed I acted a little like a charming boy, not yet corrupted by the big city and my naivety and especially my propensity to tease would appeal to women and how right they were. Take a look at my stats. You'll find at times we are nudging 60% of the 1:00 to 3:00 afternoon radio audience in greater LA. At 3:00 the listening moms switch off to attend to their kids but from 3:00 to 5:00 we still hold 40% to 45% of total audience and KLUG is the small kid on the block. Up to 80% of my audience are women. Women have this superior air, I believe, that makes them listen to a guy they feel is a bit of an ass. That is spelt the same way as what you sit on."

"So you play at being a dumb ass?"

"Sort of but it comes rather naturally. The other thing about women sitting at home, probably alone, is they want to be entertained and especially the younger ones consider being shocked is quite okay. Lock all of those things in your mind as a talkback broadcaster and there's my secret of success."

"You are prepared to divulge your winning secret?"

"Yeah, there's no risk. Other top talk hosts are so full of themselves they can't bear to allow their listeners think they are just ordinary guys like they are."

"And that's why you use the terms about yourself like yokel and village idiot?"

"Yeah, right. And I have the drop on them with KLUG being such a small station and management investing in me for my talent rather than acquiring another head to control. Larger stations and their advertisers wouldn't allow their top talk hosts to dumb down. It just isn't done."

"Jimmy, can you give me an example of how you can shock but not necessarily offend."

"Yes, I've dug out a section of a tape for you. I got away with this in Orion but I'd be hammered for it here in LA."

He played the chat when he discussed restaurant and take-out foods, where mention was made of cockroaches and Jimmy talked about checking at the toilet next morning to determine the quality of the food consumed the previous evening.

"This is a tape of an actual broadcast; you got away with it and weren't lynched?"

"Yeah, restaurant owners were a little confused. They were left wondering was I joking. Do you have a hairy pussy Diane?"

"Well that is rather personal. I would if I didn't shave it."

Jimmy remained silent.

"Oh god, what have I just said to you?"

"You have simply given over information, albeit personal information. But you knew that. Are you shocked and outrage Diane?"

"No, perhaps flabbergasted but I realize I did answer the question voluntarily."

"I grew up knowing how to feel and act humble. I can remember my dad, in times of lean prices, saying no I couldn't have a pair of new boots. And I recall the times when the prices began to move upwards again or when the much-needed rain came or the relentless wind dropped away to bring the look of true joy to mom and dad's faces. I also learned gratitude in a really big way. My chance of going to college was at rock bottom and then prices took off. We were on a crop farm. Mon and dad banked enough money in my name so they couldn't touch it to send me through college and I graduated in media studies. So much in life is about chance. Did you hear what happened to that gorgeous bimbo Elke on my show this afternoon?"

"Yes, which is why when I finished dancing around my office desk I began calling you and got through when you switched on your phone. I still cannot believe I told you I shave my pussy."

"Worry about bigger things Diane. Ask me what I really think about the City of Angels."

"Okay, I'm asking."

"I've been disappointed. LA is flashy but low in substance. Too many poor areas from what I've glimpsed. City of Waste could be another title for it. What is has going for it is climate but what is needs is for people to care more about other people. Okay I've only been here five minutes and I'm making comparisons with my tiny hometown of Orion in Indiana and that makes for a stupid comparison. I also guess there are heaps of good people out there that are every bit as decent and likeable as good people in Orion because that's how things work. I don't really mind people being rich and flashy but do they really have to drive their vehicles like tanks and endanger other people and have no feeling of care because they are fully protected by insurance? Is that really how people need to live? Or walk into restaurants and jump the line of waiting people because they are recognized and are known as being big tippers? Having said that I think of people like Sally the cancer victim and her mom so I give LA another title that could fit, City of Hope. I must say I have heaps of good people calling my show who don't sound as if they are assholes. Please get that last tribute printed with whatever else I say. This food is great Diane. I do expect to crap well in the morning."

Diane laughed and looked at Jimmy. He recognized that look. He asked, "Are you married Diane" and she said she was between marriages.

She received a very toothy look and her face turned pink.

CHAPTER 3

"This is Jimmy the Frog. Our subject up for discussion is sexual gratification. Before we proceed I'd like to ask to use your words carefully and refrain from being nasty or uncouth. We don't want you talking about how you do it or how you get off but rather how you FEEL after the act or multiple acts. I also acknowledge there are listeners who are not getting any natural sex but wish they were. I suggest those people switch to one of our competitors for the next hour and listen to the crap they're on about."

"Jimmy, I'm an addicted listener of yours."

"Thanks Maria. You're looking great today."

"I look good in the nude don't I. This is my favorite vibrator."

"Please Maria, how do your feel at the end of the session?"

"I tingle all over and feel great. It is one of the nicest moments I have on any day."

"Thank you Maria. Folk, I didn't see Maria... this is radio, remember?"

Jimmy looked at his screen and said, "Here comes Doug."

"If Maria wants..."

"Doug, I trust that's not the purpose of your call:"

"Oh yeah. Seeing the soft expression on the face of my wife after we do it just makes me love her heaps. It's almost as good as getting it off."

"Whew, you guys calling in. Please don't make me cut this chat altogether and switch to discussing the condition of drainpipes. Talk about the aftermath, personal gratification."

"Good afternoon Mr Frog. I'm Martha, eighty-three so am not at it these days. But burned into my memory as a young bride was the thrill of feeling such lovely senses flowing through my body and wondering perhaps that was the occasion I'd become pregnant."

"Did you succeed Martha?"

"Yes, Alec my late husband and I because parents of four lovely children and those four couples I imagine would have experienced that same feeling and those wishful thoughts. I now have eleven grandchildren and three great-grandchildren."

"Oh Martha. Thank you so much for sharing with us like that. It was wonderful. We now glide into an ad break with happy smiles on our faces."

Faye opened the door. "The boss just called me to tell you what wonderful comments, from you as well. I add my congratulations. You are such a lovely man."

"This is Jimmy the Frog. It's great how things happened isn't it. The boss was aghast that we were to go to air on this topic but he's just called my assistant Faye giving the thumbs up. Faye added her piece saying I was such a lovely man. I wonder what illegal substance she's on? Well here is Lola."

"Mr Frog. I am a deeply devout Christian and was appalled by this topic but after hearing what Martha had to say I felt obliged to say what she expressed was said so wonderfully. That's all I wanted to say."

"Lola do you indulge in sex?"

"Mr Frog!"

"Hold it Lola. Someone is holding up something for me to read. Golly, according to sample surveying we are currently holding 71% of talk audience. This is a huge milestone for us, for any talk station. Lola sex is not a banned activity and neither is talking about it."

"Well I can't dispute that so I'll just answer yes."

"We won't embarrass you too much. I just ask, after good sex what is the one word you'd use to describe how you feel?"

"I can answer straight away: Joy."

"Thank you Lola."

"I'm Sadie. Could you please call in your assistant Faye and chat to her about this subject?"

"I couldn't do that. It's too personal."

"Jimmy, my feeling is she's sweet on you."

"You're forgetting Faye is a beautiful and well educated woman; she would probably prefer someone a lot better than me. I must take the next call. No wait, Faye is coming through the door. She's been listening to you Sadie and has decided to be the sacrificial lamb. Thank you Sadie. We'll take an ad break while I clear up something with Faye. If she's a virgin it will not be pointless to interview her on this subject."