Jimmy the Frog

"This is Jimmy the Frog and on we continue with sexual gratification with volunteer interview subject Faye who is my program manager. First let me describe what I'm looking at. Faye has a bouncy hairstyle mostly brown with a blonde streak through the center that by a stretch of imagination I could call natural. Those of you who heard my first show in LA when I pretended to have Faye undress in front of me may recall she has enough up top that if she waggled them LA would grind to a stop. Age twenty-seven, she has dark eyes, a cute slightly uplifted face and a generous mouth, flat tummy, hips to hold a great ass and athletic legs and feet. I almost need an ad break to get over this. I'm um... oh never mind."

"Is this going to take all day Jimmy? I do have work to do to prepare for tomorrow's show and prepare my report to station management."

"No Faye, how often do you do it?"

"Next question please Jimmy."

"Oh, do you trim or shave?"

"Next question please Jimmy."

"Oh, er, would your mom trust you to date me?"

"Yes, for some reason she thinks you are quite a guy."

"What is the number one thing you require from a guy Faye? Chose your words carefully; remember we are on air and the air waves police egged on by our competitors are listening."

"Modesty."

"What's that?"

"You are so full of it Jimmy."

"You mean bullshit?"

"You know I don't mean that Jimmy."

"What are my chances of getting between your thighs Faye?"

"For what reason, to perform medical research?"

"If that's what it takes."

"Well, assuming man has been around for 100 centuries don't you think between-the-thighs research would have been overly researched by now?"

"Er, do you grovel for sex Faye?"

"I haven't found that necessary up till now."

"Are you likely to have sex with me?"

"Yes because we have developed rapport, I'm aware of your sensibilities and sensitivities, knowing you are not the jug-head you appear to some people although actually what people hear of you on air is you accurately portrayed providing one dismisses the self-caricature typecasting of yokel and village idiot."

"Ah, I'm not sure where all that leaves you and me?"

"On a promise."

"Oh really. God, I'm in need of an ad break. One last question, "After you do it do you see fireworks and hope you are impregnated?"

"Of course not; I'm not married."

"What you have to be married to see fireworks after the big bang?"

"No, I'm left panting, feeling I've been to the gym but my mind is cloaked in fuzz and I feel as if I'm floating, almost out of my body and I couldn't care a [bleep] about the mess I'll have to clean up."

"Oh Faye, there go half a dozen complaints to the FCC."

"Oh really? Good heavens, what's that in your hand Jimmy?"

"You know that's my station-issue pen Faye. Please be a good girl. May I date you tonight?"

"Yes of course. Allow me to leave early and I'll pack my overnight bag."

"Well LA, City of Great Opportunities. This is how good sex happens and if it doesn't end with a big bang as Faye has suggested, you may need to brush up on techniques. Many of those women you see shopping in LA are hookers on a rest day. Perhaps you could hire one as an adviser to freshen up your techniques. It seems pointless banging away doing the wrong thing."

* * *

Two months later on a Saturday afternoon, Faye and Jimmy were married at the Beverly Wilshire in Beverly Hills. Jimmy the Frog had mentioned on air the upcoming wedding was restricted to 120 guests and ten double tickets were available to listeners who registered at KLUG to go into a lucky draw. Alerted by that, the media published pre-wedding photographs of the couple, as did several TV stations.

Early afternoon on the wedding day, police were called in as a huge crowd of well-wishers began to assemble.

Pamela, who'd insisted her daughter be married where two of her weddings had been held, including that to Faye's late father, arranged for the minister to perform the wedding on the steps of the hotel to give many of Jimmy's fans held back beyond the roped off area the opportunity to view the event. News of that got out and even more people descended on to Wilshire Boulevard.

Faye was gorgeously gowned in white, using the veil her mother used at her weddings, and Jimmy was in white tux and black trousers, with the words Jimmy the Frog embroidered in yellow and green on the back of his jacket.

Two weeks later the couple returned from their honeymoon in Canada, detouring by invitation to take part in a grand parade down the main street of Orion as Jimmy had become the town's most famous citizen.

The show had continued during his absence but the viewing audience had plummeted. However it zoomed up again on the first Monday Jimmy was back in the hot seat.

'[beep] it's great to be back. Faye doesn't know yet if a tadpole or two got through but it won't be from the lack of trying. Oh boy, can she move her ass. Well this is Jimmy the Frog back on air and for you lovely people out there the subject today has me rather confused. When people say he or she is promiscuous, exactly what is meant by that and is it such a bad thing? Wow, here's the first call already. Hi, Rev Prichard, this is Jimmy..."

As the minister ranted, Jimmy looked at Faye through the glass and blew her a kiss with love.

THE END