Katheryn's Baby

I turn back around, and go back to watching out for Adam.

-

December 11

She's getting better at darts. So I guess we got something out of all of this.

The two adults are nursing drinks while the two kids play. "What are you thinking?" Katheryn asks.

I watch them laugh at a shared joke. "How happy they are."

Katheryn's face clouds over. Does she remember us sparing this way, so long ago? "Don..."

"No, no. It's fine." I give her a smile. "You know, I really thought she'd be pregnant by now."

"We all did."

"But I have to admit, it is getting easier with time." Easier to lie, anyway. And I'm getting so good, she nods without so much as a glance in my direction.

"I've noticed that, too," she says.

Meanwhile Adam leans into Meody and whispers. She giggles, nods ever so slightly, and downs her drink. Taking her hand, he leads her back towards the table. I feel sick, but I do my best to put it away.

She seems so at ease, so carefree as they come up to the table. I wonder how brave I can be?

Maybe it's time to find out.

"You know," I say casually. "If you two want to run by the house, Katy and I can stay and chat a while."

Adam's eyebrows shoot up, and Melody doesn't seem to know how best to react. But her cheeks are pink, and her nipples are hard.

Great. One more image I'll never forget.

She looks to her beau before saying, "I don't know if that's a good idea, Don." Her eyes stay on him, hoping he'll find the words to make it a good idea.

Melody is watching Adam and Adam is watching Katheryn and Katheryn is watching me.

I toss them all a smile and lean back. "Sure it is. You kids go have fun, and I'll give Katheryn a lift home."

Adam fidgets. He hasn't let go of Melody's hand. Nor she his, I suppose. Don't think about it, don't let the smile falter now. Play the game. It's your turn, cheater.

"Are you sure?" he asks. "This is...unexpected."

"Unexpected, but hardly a big deal." I throw a laugh in to really sell it. "The looks on your faces right now." A wave of the hand. "Trust me, it's fine." A smile.

I'm so, so good.

Melody bends over and kisses my cheek. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Suddenly she's squeezing me tight. "Stuff like this scares me."

"It's okay. I promise you."

She kisses me again. "I love you."

Adam says his farewells to Kathy, and then they go. They try so hard not to be in a hurry, they only make it that much more obvious that they are. Through the window, I'm able to see them practically running to get to the car.

"Be careful," Katheryn says with an unimpressed tut.

"They'll be fine."

But she keeps studying me. My guts are twisting, and my heart is breaking, but I think I keep a straight face. "Don't let them think you're more okay with things than you really are," she warns. "Don't let them be more comfortable with it than you can live with them being."

I'm sweating. I hope she doesn't notice. It's a dark bar. "We need to give them every chance, right? Anyway, after seven months it doesn't bother me quite the way it used to."

Which is true, in its way.

It bothers me more.

"Don," she says quietly.

"Did it bother you?"

"You know I'm okay with it."

"Then we're good."

A pause. "Just be careful."

"If am careful," I wink. "I trust my wife."

-

December 17

The counselor continues scribbling in his notebook for several minutes after Melody finishes. "I think we're almost out of time," he says at last, "but I do want to touch on one thing you said. You said it felt 'natural' to be so close to your husband, yet also enjoying a lover..."

"I did NOT describe it as 'enjoying a lover,'" Melody bristles.

He glances at me. "I apologize. But I would like to hear you expound on the feelings you mentioned a little." He glances at me again, well aware of how badly I want her NOT to expound on that little tidbit and probably hoping to break through my facade.

"Well, I know what you're implying, and I didn't mean it like THAT," Melody says hotly. "I just meant that it doesn't feel like a reduction of my marriage, or a...a threat. We aren't uncomfortable. I'm not torn between two men. We're a close knit group, and there isn't any animosity or anything to worry about. I'm in love with my husband, he's in love with me. I have this other experience, and that's all."

"We've talked about calling it an 'experience,' Melody."

She folds her arms. "Fine. A...a relationship. Or, a sex buddy. Maybe even a boyfriend. And I get that you think that's awful, or whatever, but Don and I are a team. We're in this together. It's ultimately for a good cause, and he supports the fact that I enjoy it. Knowing that my husband would never want me to be miserable, I guess..." she smiles over at me, "I guess it just doesn't feel weird anymore."

The counselor frowns. "Other than that your husband is forced by these conditions to be celibate, of course, and to actively endorse his wife's affair with another man."

She falters. Affair. Celibacy. These are not words we like to acknowledge, and they sting. I doubt she lets herself think about either, very often. Maybe ever. "I..." She looks a little ill, all of the sudden. "I don't..." Her eyes drop, and she stops searching for a response.

"Can you tell me how it would make you feel, if the conditions were reversed, Melody? If you had spent the last seven months without sex, while Don here regularly endulged himself with a female friend?"

She looks ill. "It's for a baby," she says quietly, all the bluster knocked out of her.

"We both know that's not entirely true. You just called this man your boyfriend. You've admitted to enjoying it quite a lot. And to having...sessions...from time to time that could not via any biologically reality result in pregnancy." He leans forward. "What if it was Don? With another woman? Consider everything you've done."

She hugs herself and wipes her eyes.

He looks at me. "And how do you feel about this idea, Don?"

I give him his silent judgment right back, and say, "I think she was right, actually. We're in this together. It makes me happy that she's happy. And I think you're making too much out of what we all recognize is a painful, unfortunate downside. We're doing fine."

Melody relaxes a little, and holds my hand across the chairs. But she sniffles, and looks quite stricken.

He studies me a moment longer, then looks down at his notes and sighs.

Fucker.

-

December 21

We're sifting through Christmas cards to send family the next time she cracks.

I've just shown her a particularly funny one, which I think her brother would like, and all of the sudden she's mashed against my chest and crushing me with her grip.

"Don't ever leave me," she gasps. Christ...my wife is crying into my chest in a Hallmark store, while old biddies openly stare.

Happy Holidays.

"Hey," I say soothingly. "Hey." I gently move her back so I can look her in the eyes. "I love you. You're stuck with me."

She smiles around her tears, but they keep on rolling. "I love you too," she says, wiping helplessly at her cheeks. "I love you so much."

It takes five minutes of this before we can go back to looking at cards.

-

January 7

We're working in the garage, cleaning up storage and changing the oil and chatting about nothing and wondering why we don't pay someone to do this shit for us, when Melody looks up past my shoulder and says, "Oh, hey."

I look up too, and my stomach turns a bit. "Hey, Adam," I smile. "What's up?"

His eyes dart a little, and he suddenly looks like a nervous teenager picking up his date and meeting dad for the first time. "I, uh...I thought..."

Melody picks it up even quicker than I. She turns to me, pulling off her gloves. "You don't mind?"

Damn you Katheryn. You were right. I shrug. "I need to shovel anyway."

She smiles and kisses my cheek. "Thank you." Then, "We'll be quick." Adam holds out a hand, she takes it, and he helps her stand up.

"You sure?" he asks, glancing back at me.

"Adam," Melody draws out the first syllable like a girl with a new boyfriend. "He said it's fine." She kisses his cheek, the same way she kissed mine. "Come on."

He lets himself be dragged away.

I curse under my breath as I pull on my coat. What was that, Adam? Did it make you feel less guilty about coming over here to fuck my wife, if you could convince yourself that she was the one leading you? Did it feel better if you acted like you weren't the aggressor in this ugly scenario?

How long until the end? I'd really like to know.

Adam must slip out while I'm shovelling the back walk, because I don't see him leave. Forty-eight minutes after he arrived, Melody is back in the garage with a fresh feline laguidity and her hair up in a ponytail. She smiles and waves like nothing is wrong in the world.

Her skin glows.

Later on, as we are hauling bags to the curb, she throws her arms around me. "You're the best," she says into my neck.

I am strong enough to not reply.

-

January 27

They're sitting at the table, relaxed and easy, discussing a book they read. Melody is listening as Katheryn makes a case for something or other, her index finger bouncing off the book's cover as she pontificates.

As I watch them talk, a big hand falls on my shoulder. "I think they only read that pulp trash so they can complain about it."

I chuckle. "That's probably true."

Adam glances down. "Burgers are ready to flip."

"Says you." I shake my head. "Some of us like our burgers cooked."

"Burnt, you mean."

"Maybe."

He sips his beer. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"It's been a while." He chews his lip. "Should we give up?"

I watch the burgers sizzling. That's a question I wouldn't have counted on him to risk asking. After all, as long as we're trying he's getting an endless supply of pussy, right?

I guess my judgment of my friends has been clouded of late. "If we do, then all of this was for nothing. It was 8 months given away for nothing."

He considers that. "It would be so much easier if..." He trails off. "It's a damn shame we married such religious women."

I chuckle. I could almost hug him for saying it. "Tell me about it. Science is the enemy and all that. Here," I place a patty on his plate, "perfectly burnt."

He laughs, too.

-

Februay 26

"...like this for days..."

"...He seems really down. He wouldn't LEAVE, would he?"

"...even worse then that time he SAW us..."

"...it would just kill me if..."

"...started on Saturday. He sulked the whole afternoon after you two excused yourselves to go to the house. I couldn't even get him to talk to me."

"Saturday?" A crash. "Oh my god! Saturday was his birthday!"

-

February 27

"I said I don't want to talk about it."

The counselor sighs. He lost his patience with me a long time ago. I can almost see the battle for professionalism play out against the disgust he feels for a man who allows his wife to have a lover.

He keeps hoping he can make me see how bad this all is. But I see it already, and that is my secret weapon. "Don," he says, "I cannot help either of you if you refuse to talk. This is important. Can you agree with that?"

"Fine. Yes."

"Now, what were your thoughts on Saturday when Melody suggested that you spend the afternoon with the Marshalls?"

I shift uncomfortably in my chair.

"Please, Don. We need your honesty."

I glance at Melody, who looks guilty and sad, and I give in. "I thought maybe it was a party for my birthday. She had been...meeting Adam a lot, and I guess I thought that maybe they all wanted to prop me up a bit. Which I needed, I'll admit. And when we hadn't even been there an hour before she...they excused themselves to go screw, I was furious. I thought, 'what, they can't even take the day off for my birthday?' But I guess I also secretly hoped that it was a trick...like maybe they were going to get something for the party." I let my dark feelings cloud my face. "They were gone for hours. Then Kathy said something about how nice it was to give them these days together, and that's when it hit me: she was babysitting. Maybe that wasn't the intention, but it is what it was. Melody had brought me over, dropped me off, and scurried out the door with her lover. I was something she needed to 'deal with' so she could have a good day." I look over at her. "On my birthday."

There are tears streaking down her face, and she's shaking her head in tiny, spastic motions. The guilt and shame is almost palpable. I'm sure she remembers as vividly as I do all the scheming and work and excitement that surrounded Adam's birthday, just a few months ago.

"I'm so sorry," she moans. "I...I just...I forgot, and..."

"Melody," the counselor interjects, "why don't you tell us exactly what was in your head during this incident."

She looks down. "Not much, I'm afraid. I didn't have any big design on the day...I certainly wasn't scheming to leave you with Kathy and run off all day. I just thought...well, Kathy and Adam are our friends. It was a nice day out, with no chores waiting to get done. And we hang out with them all the time. We always have. I just thought it would be fun to be together."

The counselor wrote something down. "And what happened to change that?"

She flushes. "We...all of us...were having lunch, and Adam was...across the table from me. I looked up at him just as he looked across at me...I don't even remember who was talking...and it was like flipping a switch. I...I don't know how to explain it, but it's like...warmth. In my belly." She gives me an apologetic look. "When we first started this, it was actually difficult to push myself to...be available...so often. Even though it was good," another wincing glance, "it was just a lot more sex than my drive was built for. But I found that, if I went along with it, by the time anything was really happening I'd be getting into it. I just needed to force myself to get to that point." She pauses. "Over time, I don't know if my body acclimated or if I just unlocked something in myself, or what, but it just became normal. Wanting, and having, tons of sex became a part of my new normal. I started to want it all the time, and to have this heightened response to every sensation. It's like I'm undergoing some wild sexual Renaissance. But it's intensely physical...it's not a thing I choose to feel, and it's not something I can just turn off. So when that spark happens, it's hard to ignore. It's almost like being light headed. And when it happened that day, I just felt at ease and that it was ok...you've been so understanding, honey...so I went for it. I never anticipated being gone for as long as we were, but we got to talking after, and then we were ready for more. The next thing I knew, it was after supper." She looks humiliated by this confession. She's not alone.

"It was me," I say, not really wanting to.

The counselor frowns. "What was you?"

"The person talking while shs was getting lost I'm her urges" I turn to face her. "At lunch, the person you can't remember talking...it was me." I sigh. "I was talking about how lucky I was to have you." I look away. "I guess I'm the idiot."

This sets off a fresh round of tears.

-

March 5

"Hi, honey," she says quietly, coming up behind me and putting her hand on my shoulder.

I turn around in my chair, setting down my book. "What's up?"

She strikes my neck. "I just wanted to tell you that I love you."

I force a smile. "I love you too. And it's okay, Mel...honestly. I feel better for having talked about it."

But she refuses to leave, her fingertips tracing my shoulders and head. After a while I go back to reading.

-

March 13

They're all waiting for me when I get home, looking as excited as they are nervous.

"Is everything okay?" I ask.

Kathy looks at Melody and Adam, then turns and beams at me in a way that hints at hidden fear. "We're pregnant."

I don't know what to feel. Maybe 'At last?' Or 'What have we done?'

Melody jumps up and runs into my arms. "Please be happy," she begs me. Behind her, I see two pairs of pleading eyes.

I kiss the top of her head. "I am," I say.

And for all I know, it might even be true.

-

April 2

It does feel good, you know.

To know that all this was in service of a greater good. To know that a new life will be in the world, an innocent baby who will be loved by its parents.

We set out to achieve something, and it worked.

You should see the look on Katheryns face. I mean, all the time. Like heaven itself has come through the clouds.

Adam, too. That feels...different...to me. But I suppose it shouldn't, and I hope our friendship gets easier with time. I miss the easiness.

I'm reading the paper when Melody comes up and starts rubbing my shoulders.

"Baby?" She asks.

It suddenly occurs to me how long it's been since she called me that. "Yeah?"

"It's over, you know. I mean...Adam..." She trails off awkwardly. "Is there a reason you haven't wanted to..." More awkward silence.

"I wasn't sure it was good for the baby," I admit. "And I think I would prefer that a decent amount of tine pass between your last time with him and...and us." I give a reassuring smile. "Just so we don't have all those thoughts and fears hanging over us."

She smiles back, but I can see disappointment there. "Okay," she says. "That makes sense."

You can't imagine how scared I am by the thought of sex with this woman.

-

May 4

They come bustling through the door, a tsunami of shopping bags and laughter. Adam and I watch and share a moment of exasperation.

"Think you bought enough?" he asks sardonically.

Melody sets down her bags and puts her hands on her hips. "Do YOU want to be in charge of picking out baby clothes? No? Then shut it."

He holds up his hands in surrender. But I'm not ready to give up.

"Did you two leave anything in the racks for the other crazy hormonal nightm...I mean, women?" Melody shoots me a look, and I stick my tongue out.

"If you must know," she says imperiously, "they were having a sale."

"Yeah," I snort, "fifty percent off all items we marked up by thirty percent last week. You don't fool me."

But Melody comes over and sits in my lap. "But Dad," she says in a pitch perfect impression of a whiny teenager, "it'll look so good with my purple earings!" And she holds a baby bib up to her neck.

We all laugh, and she kisses me, but as I watch her and Katheryn show each other all the outfits they already saw each other but, I do wonder...

Would I want this for me? Have Mel and I been wrong all along? She certainly seems to be falling into the role.

And what about me? Deep down, do I want a baby?

-

June 18

Almost thirteen months since I've had sex.

Probably six, since the last time I even felt the desire.

I won't tell her that, though.

In my best moments, I am confident that we will be able to repair what we've lost. But at other times, like right now, I see the way Melody's gaze lingers on Adam when she thinks no one is watching, or I listen to her toss and turn through another horny night, and I wonder how much of this might be with us forever.

-

July 9

The image of her slightly swollen stomach is in my head as I drive home from work, foreboding and reassuring. It means change...it proves unquestioningly that this thing has happened. And it may leave some permanent alterations to her body. But it is still success. She...we...will give our friends the ultimate gift.

I wince as I reach the house. Her mother's van is sitting out front. If there's been any good to come out of this, it's that she has been gloriously absent for the past year.

The sight that greets me when I come through the door into the kitchen freezes me where I stand. It's Melody, her mother...and Adam. Mel and Adam are sitting next to each other, comfy as any couple, although they immediately put more distance between each other as I enter.