Katheryn's Baby

The old witch just turns and smiles. "I hope you don't mind," she positively drips with false concern. "I just HAD to meet the father of my grandchild."

Melody looks uncomfortable, but doesn't say anything. The witch lets me see the faintest hint of a smirk before turning back to chat with the happy couple. I go to shower.

An hour later, both Adam and Dragon are gone.

"I'm so sorry," Mel pleads. "I didn't know what to do! She just showed up, and was all smiles and joy...like she'd been supportive the whole time or something. She said she just wanted to meet him. And...then once he got here she was just so polite and positive." She wipes at a tear. "Don, she's my mother. No matter how difficult she can be...I do want her to approve of me. To like me. I couldn't just kick her out...not after all this time."

"As long as she knows that this isn't about her. This is about Adam and Kathy's family...not hers."

Mel flinches. "Actually...Kathy agreed to let Mom be a part of the baby's life. As a grandparent of sorts."

"No." I surprise myself with the rage I feel. "Absolutely not."

Melody steps back, surprised. "What do you mean, no? Why does it ma-"

"I said NO!" I half-shout, scaring us both. "The agreement we had at the start of this was that the baby would be Kathy's and Adam's in all the ways that their own child would. And that does NOT include inviting your mother to parade it around as her grandchild." She looks stunned. I try to speak more calmly. "Your mother being involved blurs lines that were essential to my being okay with this. If it had been floated as a possibility at the start, I would have never agreed to it happening. You cannot make such a decision without me, and frankly Mel...it says a lot about where we are, that you were willing to."

She looks trapped. "I didn't think it mattered. I wouldn't have done it if-"

"So undo it."

She winces. "I can't just take it away from her, Don. Not after promising..." She holds her hands out beseechingly. "It's her only grandchild."

"IT'S NOT HER GRANDCHILD!!"

Melody's nervous sympathy turns into feminine frustration...the kind aimed at men who are seen as being childishly stubborn...and suddenly I've had enough.

I don't wait for more. I storm out.

-

July 11

"We're TRYING to understand," Katheryn pleads. "But you have to TALK to us."

She and Melody are on the deck, having apparently decided that catching me while doing yard work would be their next strategic step. For the past ten minutes, however, I've done my best to prove that idea wrong

"This was suppose to be your baby," I tell her. "That was the deal. If Broomhilda is the grandmother, then Melody is the mother. And that was not part of the deal."

"We'll call her an aunt, then. The baby will nev-"

"No. She's nothing to that baby. That's what she needs to be." I sigh. "Look, all of my willingness...ALL of it...was predicated on the idea that this would not turn into a situation where this was Melody's child but not mine. It has to be YOUR child and your child only, and bringing in that old bitch-"

"Don!"

"That old bitch," I repeat, "is clouding that separation. What's more, I think she's doing it on purpose."

"That's ridiculous. You're being overly sens-"

"I'm telling you how I feel. Isn't that what you wanted?" I stand up, pulling off my gloves. "I can only do this if this is your and Adam's baby. If it's yours and Adam's AND Melody's...then my heart is broken, and I should probably start looking for someplace else to live."

Melody looks stunned, but Kathy wheels forward. "You don't understand how important this is to a woman her age," she insists. I wonder if she doesn't mean Melody as much as her mother. "You have to think about this from a woman's perspective."

"And you have to think about it from a man's," I snap. Then I look at Melody. "I agreed to this with the understanding that it would still be me and you when it ended. It can't be me and you if they are your 'other family.' I have to know that if, someday, I get a job offer two states away, you won't hesitate to join me. I have to know that I am your family...your only family...and they are just your friends." I wipe the sweat off my brow. "You have to be willing to decide."

Melody breaks into tears and runs off. Kathy wheels after her.

Funny how nobody answered me.

-

July 12

"And how did that make you feel, Melody?"

Mel stares at her hands for a moment, before responding to the counselor. "At first I was frustrated. Incredibly so. I just couldn't see why he was being so..." She trails off and smiles sadly. "That's when I realized that that was exactly it. I COULDNT see. My perspective on this whole thing was vastly different from his. And where my sacrifice would be up ahead, after the birth of the child...his had been ongoing. For more than a year." She smiles sadly at me. "I was fearing for the future, but you were already bleeding from the past. Your pain is already an old friend."

I only nod, waiting.

She fidgets. "I guess I just don't know how to fix this." Not what I wanted to hear.

The counselor looks at me. I look back at him. Eventually he turns to Melody. "Do you intend to be a part of the child's life?"

She considers it. "I always did. And I'm sure I said that. But not as a mother," she quickly adds. "As...I don't know. A family friend? A distant relative? Something small, but..." She shakes her head. "I guess I knew in my heart that Don might decide against that...that it might be too much for him...but I refused to admit it in my head." There is a long pause. "I'll call her tomorrow. She will just have to live with not knowing her grand-" a wince. "Kathy's baby."

The counselor looks doubtful. "Are you sure? That's a large wound that you'll be creating. It could have far reaching ramifications."

She looks at me, and self-pity fades to resolution. "I'm sure."

We leave holding hands, but with little left to say.

-

July 20

The farmer's market is packed today.

She waddles along, examines more than she buys, and the sun on her skin looks beautiful.

"I should bake a pie," she says wistfully, as though it's an ordinary thing to say.

I laugh. "You've never made a pie in your life."

She fakes a pout. "So? Maybe I just know I'd do a good job, and you'd get fat."

"There's no danger of that," I wave my hands over myself.

"No," her good humor fades. "There's not."

I sigh. "Don't do that. I just haven't been very hungry."

"For a year?"

"Well, certainly not since I imagine you trying to make a pie!" This gets me a swat and a laugh.

But when she turns away, I see frustration in her eyes. For what, I can't say. But I see it a lot these days...whenever she thinks I won't notice it.

Before I can think much of it, she swings around with glee. "I know!" She declares. "YOU can make the pie, and I can eat it! I'm already fat, so who will even care?"

"You want me to bake a pie?" I scoff. "Like, for human beings to consume?"

She nods.

I make a face. "I just KNEW you were drunk..."

Another playful swat in the arm. Another sun-bright laugh.

-

Aug 2

They're always here, it seems.

I get it. It's your baby. You want to experience the pregnancy.

But Jesus...give me some time with my wife.

-

Sept 10

I'm at the top of the stairs, and they don't know I can hear them.

"Still?" Kathy seems shocked.

"He hasn't even tried."

"Maybe it's the pregnancy?" Adam sounds unconvinced.

"After more than a year and a half? I would think that would be enough to make a loaf of bread look sexually inviting."

"What about you?" Kathy asks.

"Me?" A humorless laugh. "I'm climbing the walls. I spent a year training myself to want sex every day. I get turned on looking at bananas at the grocery store. But what can I do? I can't pressure him...not after everything he's been through." A sniffle. "It doesn't exactly help to have Adam around. No offense."

"No," Adam grunts. "I understand completely. Believe me."

Kathy clucks. "Maybe I could talk to him."

"No," Mel responds. "That would still be pressure."

"Maybe he'd let you be with Adam a few times, then. I mean," she adds quickly, "what harm would it do? It's not like it'd be anything new."

There is a long silence. Then Melody says, in a low and sorrowful voice, "I don't think I should."

I wait a while, and am careful to make plenty of noise when I come down the stairs.

-

October 1

"This isn't working out."

I don't respond. I'm honestly not sure what he means. After a moment, he sighs and goes on.

"These sessions always reach the same brick wall, Don. And that wall comes from your unwillingness to be honest about your feelings with your wife. So I'm canceling our upcoming session, and I've got a list I'd like you to consider." He moves it across the table. "Any of the people on this list would be able to help you work through what is clearly a deep and clinical depression. Until you acknowledge and address that, couples counseling will never be successful."

I stare at the list. "What do I tell Melody?"

"Tell her the truth. Tell her this hurt you far more than she realizes. It won't make her think less of you."

No. It'll make her think less of her. It'll make her hate herself.

I get up. "Take it easy, doc."

"Don," he looks tired, "at the very least, can I recommend that you get a notebook and start a diary? Just so you have someplace to express yourself? The real you?"

I look down at the list again, still sitting there on his desk. "Bye, doc."

-

Oct 5

"Don, what do I need to cook to get you to start eating better?"

-

Oct 10

The Halloween aisle has expanded into the school and office supplies. I call Melody.

"They don't have the heavy weight paper out right now," I tell her.

"Are they out?"

"Halloween has taken over."

"Oh." She pauses to think. "I guess regular white will do. Thank you for checking."

"No problem."

"All that way for nothing. You're so patient with me."

"I'm patient FOR you. As you are for me."

"What about if I fart?" She asks.

"Don't you ever!" We both laugh. "I'll be home soon. Love you."

"Love you too."

I'm almost out of the aisle when I see the end cap.

Journals.

I pick one up, turn it over and over in my hands, and put it in the cart.

-

November 2

I think about them together a lot. I don't know if I've admitted that yet. Not so much the sex...that's almost too big to consider. But the smallest parts of that. The kissing...kissing is such a loving and tender act...and all of the sharing. I imagine her on all fours, presenting herself in that terribly obscene way, willingly (eagerly even) sharing a view of her body that she would hesitate to let a doctor see.

I picture then laying together, afterwards, discussing the sex they just had.

I find myself missing her sometimes, even when she's near.

So who am I missing?

-

November 17

Getting soon now.

I'm sitting in the kitchen, watching them all chat on the deck. Adam puts his hand on my wife's swollen belly, and they share a smile. The gaze lingers a little too long to be innocent, and Melody's cheeks flush as they pull away.

As she turns, she notices me watching. Her smile returns, not a hint of guilt or shame to be found.

Some cats never go back into the bag.

-

December 1

The baby's name is Michelle, and she is beautiful.

Even from where I'm standing on the far end of the room, I can see tiny closed versions of Melody's almond-shaped eyes glistening with whatever goop they put on them.

Adam and Kathy are holding a baby that looks like my wife, and I think I'm losing my mind.

-

December 22

Kathy and Adam have driven up to see his parents for the holidays. The baby is with them.

Melody sits at the window all day and doesn't eat enough. She chews her nails, rifles through a magazine she's read a dozen times, breathes on the window, and draws a heart in the condensation.

"She's too young for car travel," she says suddenly at one point.

"Then how did they get her home?"

She scowls and goes back to fidgeting.

We've been sitting here for nearly four hours when she turns to look at me. She doesn't say anything...just watches me read.

"It must have broken your heart," she whispers. "Every single day."

I fight the urge to go to her. That would be a confirmation, though. "It got lonely," I admit. "But you always came back to me. And after a while, I came to understand that you always would."

She wipes at tears. "I'm struggling."

Welcome back to real life. "You need a distraction." And not the one I can give you. "Let's go see a movie."

She sighs. "I don't know."

I stand and offer my hand. "I insist." And we both know she's grateful that I do.

-

January 25

"Honey?" she calls out.

I put the journal in my desk drawer. "Yeah?"

"You okay? You've been real quiet in there."

"Just answering some emails."

"Okay." A pause. "I love you."

I turn the key, locking the drawer. "I love you too."

-

February 23

"I'm sorry I snapped at you," she snuggles into my chest. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

I hold her and don't tell her that I do know.

I know that she's beginning to fray in the face of a sexless marriage. I know I'm not ready yet. I know how she looks at Adam and how he looks at her.

I know how you've been going through batteries, my love.

-

March 7

Katheryn makes a face. "Don't be vulgar."

"Then don't lie."

She looks away, sighs. "It's different for us. Me and Adam, I mean. You have had two years of celibacy...some of it self-chosen. He's had years, and now he's looking at a lifetime of it." She bites her lip. "I don't want that for him."

I nod. "He doesn't deserve it."

"He doesn't. But that doesn't give them the right to-"

"Do what comes naturally? They're both climbing the walls, Kathy. They both have spouses who can't help them."

"You are destroying yourself, Don. I can see it. And if you don't tell her, I will."

I hold out my arms. "Hey. I am destroyed. It's over. What I have left is love, for a woman who is growing irritable and frantic with unmet needs. If she goes, it's over."

She doesn't like this, but doesn't know what to say.

"We did this for you, Kathy. Oh, for Adam too. But really, for you. Now, we need to do it for them."

"When do we do something for you?"

I sigh. "Give me the time to see my way through this. That's something you can do for me."

"You can't ignore this forever. You'll kill yourself."

"If I haven't done it yet..." her eyes widen, and I backpeddle. "It won't be forever. I already feel better than I did six months ago." It feels true. Do I really feel better? I guess I do...

Kathy doesn't buy it. "She'll kill you. And she'll think you're happy and free until the very last breath."

"I keep telling you, and you never listen: I trust my wife."

She considers that. "I guess I can get on board. But for how long?"

I shrug. "I'm of no use in that department right now."

"This won't fix that."

"It will make it unimportant."

"But why? Why do this?"

"Because we broke me. We didn't mean to, but we did."

"So fight back!"

"Fight back?" I laugh. "With what? Tell me something: did you ever see them together?"

She grimaces. "No."

"Trust me: don't. No two bodies ever belonged more together, or found more joy in the uniting."

She wipes at a tear. "You poor man."

"The pressure has been building. Eventually they'll crack. If we don't provide an outlet, I may lose my wife." I meet her eyes. "Don't let that happen, Kathy."

She nods. "I appreciate this, Don. I don't like what you're doing to yourself, but I appreciate it."

I nod. "Do me one favor: you tell them. And make sure they believe it."

She nods. "Melody will want to know why you can't..."'she glances down my body.

"No she won't. She'll be so happy to have her joyous happy life back, she won't even blink about it."

-

March 25

I was right.

They're back with a vengeance, so overjoyed by the release that they're blinded to propriety. Physical intimacy is a river they've dammed up for too long, and the flood is at hand.

She texts me at 4:00. "Can you put off coming home until 6:00? I am going to have company."

She adds a smiley face.

And if you think it's gotten easier with time, then you're terribly wrong.

-

April 4

We're out for a walk, and she's holding my hand. "I can't believe we made it through," she says with honest calm.

As if this were the other side of the storm.

Well, for her I suppose it is. "It's a beautiful day," I offer lamely.

She mistakes this for agreement. "Life just doesn't get any better than this."

I feel sick. "You're very beautiful when you're happy."

She lets go of my hand to spin around in place. Then she put her arms around my neck. "Mama's very happy," she coos. I want to scream. I made this. I made her believe it didn't bother me. I even made her believe it made me happy. Her eyes roll back in her head. "Mama's sooo happy today."

I hold my breath. She leans in for a kiss.

"Aren't you going to ask?" she teases.

-

April 5

She calls me at work.

"I'm sorry about yesterday."

I act confused. "What?"

"I was just enjoying the evening. I shouldn't have...thrown that in your face the way I did. I ruined the moment."

I bite my lip. "Honey. I love you. You being happy could never ruin my day."

There's a long silence on the other end. "You are my whole world," she insists. "Promise me you'll tell me if I ever go to far. I don't want to make you hurt."

Sure. Just let me go back in time a few years.

"Don't worry. I'll tell you. Now, I have to get back to work."

-

April 11

She snuggles up against me and watches the sunset.

"I love you," she whispers.

Melody is glowing. Honestly, I missed that. When she's glowing, it's like watching an angel.

Even if the cause is a deal made with the devil.

-

May 2

I'm at work, and tired, and feeling rather old, when the phone rings.

"What did you do?!" A shrill voice calls down the receiver. "What the hell did you do???"

Melody's mother. "I don't know what you are on about Ruth, but please don't ca-"

"She's done with you, you bastard! Whatever you did, I'll make sure she never forgets it! She hasn't stopped crying since she got here!"

I sit up. "Melody's there?"

"First you take her b-"

"MELODY IS THERE?" I leap to my feet. "Is she okay? Let me talk to her."

The line goes dead.

I am cold. Sweating. This is it. This is the end.

She's going to leave me for him.

What will Kathy do?

I leave early, calling her cell and leaving messages to call me back. Nothing. I wipe at tears, and curse and punch the wheel. I leave more calls.

Running into the house, I see nothing to explain this turn of events. I shout her name. Nothing. I run from room to room until...

My journals. All of them, laid out in the guest bedroom.

Open. Read. Wet from tears.

I fall to my knees. Years of deeply personal confessions, and secret pain, and now she knows it all. Knows what I heard, what I saw, what I felt and what I lied about.

Knows that I did it for her, if I'm really lucky. But then, she did run to the Dragon...

I put my face in my hands and groan. What does she feel? Betrayed? Deceived? Angry?

Alone?

The closest book is open to an entry about the counselor, and his belief that I am clinically depressed. The one closest to that is open to an entry about wanting to be a father.

I put my face to the carpet and scream.

-

It's morning. What day? I'm not sure.

My lips are chapped.

There's a shadow over me. I look up.

"Am I a monster?" She asks. "It was always right there, right in my face, and I never saw."