Know Thyself Ch. 04

I look back at them. "Please leave me alone."

This only makes them laugh more. They look at each other and snicker, as if there's some secret I don't know.

One of the other German boys speaks up now. "Don't you like boys?"

"Yeah. Polite ones."

His two friends laugh at him and slap him on the back.

I can't believe no one is saying anything!

The train pulls into Broadway-Lafayette and I can tell the boys are about to get off the train. The first German boy looks at me.

"We show you good time, huh?"

I look away, trying not to stir this pot anymore. Just get the hell out of here, please.

The three of them laugh again and exit the train. I can feel the man sitting next to me shake his head and I look over at him.

"Assholes," he says.

If so, why didn't you say anything?

I don't say that. I have a lot of time left on this train and I don't feel like dealing with anymore arguments.

"Yeah," is all I say and I look down again.

That's it! From now on, when I ride the train, I'm wearing headphones. No one bothers you when you wear headphones. Even if I'm not listening to anything, I'm wearing them. It sucks, but what else am I going to do? It seems like every time I ride the train I have to be "on". Someone is going to bother me and I'm going to have to do deal with it. When I was Ben, the thing I loved about the train was that I could close my eyes and zone out until I got to where I was going. No one bothered me. Now it seems like the sight of me brings out the worst in people.

Eventually the train gets to my old stop in Bay Ridge and I make my way to my parents' old house. It was a single family home that shared a wall with another house. I never minded it. We had a backyard. It was what it was. I never liked Bay Ridge, which is probably why I moved to Astoria. For all the public transit New York City has to offer, traveling between Brooklyn and Queens is a pain. There's only one train that goes between the boroughs and if you don't live near it, it's of no use. You have to travel through Manhattan to get between Brooklyn and Queens. It gave me an excuse to not go home. The travel time was always my go to. It's not that I didn't get along with my parents, they were fine, but it's not like we were all best friends. Especially with my dad. I was always closer with my mom and I think he resented that.

I see my old stoop and look around the block. Everything looks pretty much the same. I don't know what could possibly look different but you never know. I walk up the stairs and ring the door bell. Immediately my heart sinks as I hear a dog inside start barking. We never had a dog. Maybe that's the thing that's different now but I doubt it. My dad was never fond of pets. That's probably why he was never good with kids.

I shouldn't say that. He wasn't a bad father, he just wasn't a good one either. He was like a C student in the world of parenting. He was never close to failing but he definitely isn't graduating with honors.

The door opens and an African-American woman who looks to be in her early sixties opens the door.

"Yes," she asks me.

I stumble on my words because now it's safe to assume my dad doesn't live here. I decide to try anyway. "Does Mr. Telaney live here?"

"Who?" She makes a weird face, obviously never having heard the name before.

"Greg Telaney. Does he live here?"

"No. I live here. You got the wrong house." The dog jumps up on the door and she taps him on the head. "Get back you. You know not to be doing that." She looks back at me. "I know all the people on this block and I've never heard the name Telaney before."

"Must have the wrong address. Sorry to bother you." I give her an apologetic smile and start walking away. I can hear the door close behind me.

So he doesn't live here. I bet it's the same situation as with my Astoria apartment. He probably never moved into this house. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure my parents moved here when I was born. Something about wanting their kid to grow up with a backyard. More evidence that Ben Telaney never existed.

Then who was that on the street today?

**********************************************************

I walk into my apartment and see my mom busy in the kitchen making dinner. My dad is setting the table, already dressed in a button-down shirt and tie.

"At least one of them's here," my dad exclaims.

"I take it Jack isn't home?" I already know the answer.

"Not yet. Can you call him? He never answers when I do."

"Sure. Dinner's not till six-thirty, right?"

My dad nods. "Yes, but you should be ready before that."

"Okay." I walk to my room and close the door.

I pull out my phone and text my brother, asking where he is. There's no immediate response, so I put the phone on the dresser and start to get ready. I guess this is going to be semi-formal. Sounds like an occasion for another dress. It wasn't so bad wearing one the other night. I don't understand why I was so nervous about it to begin with. I never realized how engrained in me it was when I was Ben to be masculine. As if the worst thing in the world would be someone thinking of me as feminine. Now that I am female it seems so ridiculous. Considering the weather's been a consistent ninety degrees, wearing a dress the other night was a breath of fresh air. Why don't men wear dresses? I mean, I know why. Not to mention they are tailored to fit the body of a woman. I mean in general. Why is showing more skin considered a female thing to do? Why is wearing nice clothing and feeling good about what you wear not considered masculine? It dawns on me that there are many men who wear nice clothes and even go as far as to wear dresses. It's just me (and many other men like me) who feel this need to present themselves as "masculine", whatever that means. I've spent my whole life trying to seem masculine and I never realized I don't really know what that means.

The same thing goes for being feminine. When this whole thing started I had no idea what femininity meant. I had no idea how to dress, how to wear makeup, even how to act. I'm starting to realize none of that stuff has any bearing on the meaning of femininity. It's as if the whole idea of masculinity and femininity is absurd. As Ben I was always into football. The New York Giants was my way of bonding with other men. It felt like a male thing to do. I guess I thought that because I liked it and I was a man. Now that I'm a girl, it's not like I enjoy football any less. Why are sports only for men? Why is makeup and fashion only for girls? I never thought about these things when I was male, I just accepted them and moved on. Now I'm a girl who likes football. I don't feel like I'm any less of a woman. When I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful girl staring back at me. In a way, I feel freer than I ever have before. I've lived as a man and I've now lived as a woman. I've come to find I'm the same person, just everyone else treats me different.

I reemerge wearing a tight red dress, black heels, and matching red lipstick. My mom gives me a look and shakes her head.

"What," I say.

"This is a family dinner, not singles night at the local tavern."

I chuckle. "No one calls it a 'tavern' mom."

"You know what I mean."

"I think I look nice."

"You do," my dad chimes in. "You look fine. Listen, he's going to be here any minute."

"I thought he was coming at six-thirty," I say. "We have thirty minutes."

"He just called to say he's running early." My dad looks more nervous than I've ever seen him. Granted, I haven't known him all that long but still, he looks nervous. "Your brother still isn't here. Did you call him?"

"I sent him a text," I say. "No answer yet."

"God, I should've known I couldn't trust that kid!"

"It's okay Henry," my mom says, trying to calm him down. "He'll be here any minute. It's not like this client of yours will storm out if Jack is a couple minutes late."

My dad shakes his head. My mom's words seemed to appease him but didn't make him any less upset.

"Is there anything I can do to help setup?"

"No, everything's ready," my mom answers.

I look at my dad. "Can you remind me what this guy does and what the dinner's about?"

"He's the lawyer that represents the company that owns the Yardley lot. His clients are hesitant to sell to us. If I can convince him that we're going to use the lot to enrich the neighborhood, he can convince them to sign the deal."

So my dad is a lawyer. Some type of corporate lawyer from the sound of it.

The buzzer sounds.

"That's him," my dad yelps.

"Or Jack," my mom says.

"Why would Jack ring the buzzer?" My dad has a point. He walks over to the buzzer and presses the intercom. "Hello?"

The voice is hard to hear through the static. "Mr. Montgomery?"

"Yes! Come on up." He presses the door button and then looks at the rest of us. "Okay, everyone ready?"

I nod. My mom gives a thumbs up. When my dad turns away my mom glances over at me and rolls her eyes. I try to stifle a small chuckle.

There's a knock at the door and my dad opens it. He shakes hands with the man, though I can't see him yet because of the door. He comes in and my dad closes the door behind him.

Holy shit!

I mean seriously, holy shit!

Holy shit!

"Ashley?" My dad is looking at me with a stern look of concern. I realize I've just been standing there staring at the man standing in our living room.

It's my dad. My real dad. I mean, my original dad.

Ben's dad.

"Ashley, this is Mr. Telaney," my dad says.

I snap out of it and shake his hand.

"Nice to meet you."

He smiles at me. "Nice to meet you too."

What is my dad doing here? How is this even possible? My real dad had a degree in law but he always worked for the city. He wasn't a corporate lawyer.

We all sit at the table and my dad (Ashley's dad) begins.

"I'm sorry for my son. He seems to be running late, but he should be here any minute."

"That's fine. Thank you for having me over."

"Of course. It's a pleasure. I hope you found it okay?"

Mr. Telaney nods. "Yes. It's hard not to find anything nowadays with these phones." He looks at me. "You've probably never had to write down directions in your life, have you?"

"Once or twice," is all I can think of to say.

Ashley's dad chuckles. "She's glued to her phone. It's like those old sci-fi movies when people would have computers built into their arm. It's like that phone is attached to her."

The two men share a laugh.

"So your dad tells me you're starting college in a couple of weeks," Mr. Telaney says to me.

I nod.

"Where are you going?"

I'm still too much in shock to say anything. Ashley's dad chimes in.

"Hunter College."

Mr. Telaney nods. "Good school. I have a couple people who work in my office who went there."

"Really?" Ashley's dad feigns like he's impressed and looks at me. "Look at that. Ashley is thinking about going into law."

"Is that right?" Mr. Telaney smiles at me.

Both men now wait for me to answer.

"Uh...yes. Sure."

"Well, you're doing it right. When I'm hiring, I'm only looking at a person's master's degree. I have these people who apply who went to undergrad at Columbia and I just feel sorry for them. Spending all that money."

Ashley's dad nods along with him. The whole experience is surreal, as if two independent worlds have just collided.

"Go to a city school first," Mr. Telaney continues. "Get a good and affordable education in undergrad, and then if you want to go to grad school, shoot for the stars."

"That's exactly what Ashley and I were thinking," Ashley's dad continues.

I have to think of them as "Ashley's dad" and "Mr. Telaney" just to keep things straight in my head. I start taking deep breaths so I don't have a panic attack. My mom brings out the main course and we start to dish ourselves up.

"So Henry tells me you're not married," my mom says to Mr. Telaney.

I almost choke on my drink. Everyone looks at me a moment and then back to their conversation.

"No, I'm not," Mr. Telaney answers. "Most people wouldn't think the world of Real Estate Law is fast paced, but believe me it calls for many late hours."

"So no kids?" I just kind of blurt it out. I can tell it came out weird since my dad is looking at me like I've done something wrong.

Mr. Telaney chuckles. "No, ma'am. Call me old fashioned but I believe in waiting until you're married to venture into things such as that."

Suddenly the door opens and Jack enters. He's wearing a button-down shirt and tie and is holding a box from a bakery.

"I'm sorry I'm late," he says as he puts the box in the kitchen. "I ordered a lemon meringue pie and it took me longer than I anticipated to pick it up."

That's my dad's favorite kind of pie.

"That's my favorite," Mr. Telaney says.

"Jack," my dad begins, ushering him to the table. "This is Mr. Telaney. Mr. Telaney, this is my son Jack."

"Very nice to meet you," Mr. Telaney says.

"You as well, sir," Jack says.

I've never seen Jack be so formal. I glance over at my mom and I can see her giving Ashley's dad a very smug smile. Ashley's dad nods in agreement.

"I hope you don't mind," Jack continues with Mr. Telaney. "I called your assistant and asked what kind of dessert you like. She's very nice. Pamela, is it?"

"Yes," Mr. Telaney says a little shocked. "Yes it is. She didn't mention it to me."

"I hope you don't hold it against her. I asked if she could keep it secret."

Mr. Telaney chuckles. "No, it's fine. I admire a man who does his homework. I've been known to do the same." He looks to Ashley's dad. "Very smart boy you've raised here."

Ashley's dad looks as if he's going to fall out of his chair in astonishment. "Thank you, yes. Jack is known to surprise us from time to time." He pats Jack on the shoulder and gets a bottle of wine. He uncorks it and pours everyone a glass.

For most of the dinner both of my dads are discussing business. My mom, Jack, and I do our part and fade into the background while Ashley's dad tries to butter up Mr. Telaney. When it comes time for dessert Jack serves his lemon meringue pie. Mr. Telaney takes a bite and makes a sound as if it's delicious.

"This is excellent. Where did you get this?"

"Harriet's," Jack says. "It's a small shop up here. They make excellent desserts. Everything is baked fresh in the morning. I like them because at the end of the day, anything they don't sell, they donate to this local food exchange that hands them out to the homeless in the area. This way they can bake fresh each morning and not waste food."

"Wow, excellent," Mr. Telaney says.

"Food is a terrible thing to waste," I chime in.

Mr. Telaney looks at me with his head slightly tilted to the side. "My mom always used to say that."

Crap. I forgot that was grandma's saying.

"That's how you know it's true," I say trying to make light of it.

Mr. Telaney shrugs it off. "Well this is excellent. Thank you Jack."

Jack nods.

When we're done with dessert, both of my dads have a drink and finish their discussion. My mom and I go to the kitchen to do the dishes. Jack stays with the men and has a drink as well.

"I think that went well," my mom says.

"Yeah, I think so too."

"That brother of yours." She has a big smile and shakes her head.

"Yeah. He has a way of being there when you need him most."

My mom looks at me. "Yeah, he does doesn't he?"

Now we hear everyone start to make their way to the door. My mom and I dry our hands off and meet them in the hallway.

"It was very nice to meet all of you," Mr. Telaney says. "Dinner was excellent. It's not often I can get home cooking. And Jack, I mean what I said. When you're ready, please forward me your CV. Pamela can get it to me, since the two of you are already acquainted."

Jack and Mr. Telaney share a laugh. Jack shakes his hand. "Absolutely."

Now he turns to me. "It was very nice to meet you Ashley. Good luck with school."

"Thank you."

"Henry," he now says to Ashley's dad. "Can I stop by your office in the morning? I'm sure we can work something out."

"Absolutely Greg. Thank you."

And with that, my real dad leaves.

Everyone stands there for a moment looking at dad, waiting to see what his reaction is going to be. He turns to Jack.

"Jack."

"Yeah?"

My dad just stares at him, a look of bewilderment. Finally, he wraps his arms around him and gives him a big hug. Jack looks like this was the last thing he was expecting. He wraps his arms around him as well. My dad lets go and puts his arm on his shoulder. It looks like he's looking for something to say but can't think of anything. He finally blurts something out.

"That was good pie."

Jack and my dad laugh. He pats Jack on the shoulder and takes a seat at the table and pours himself another drink. My mom quickly turns and goes into the kitchen to finish the dishes. I start to follow her but she stops me.

"It's okay. I can finish it."

"But-"

"No, go enjoy yourself," she cuts me off. I swear I can hear her sniffle a tear.

"Okay." I get the hint.

It seems like everyone is doing their own thing, so I go to my room and close the door.

What the fuck just happened?! I mean seriously! What the fuck? What the hell kind of Pleasantville meets The Twilight Zone shit was that?!

I try not to curse a lot but sometimes your brain is so overloaded you've got nothing else. At least one thing was confirmed tonight. If my real dad doesn't have kids, Ben Telaney can't exist. So who the hell did I see on the street today?

*&#$%#^*&^!@

Like I said, brain overload.

**********************************************************

Today I've decided to do something that probably isn't good. It probably isn't the best course of action to take. Probably is downright dangerous. I've decided to spy on Greg. Maybe not "spy", but more like "follow and take notes." In the spirit of accepting my new life as Ashley and in an attempt to keep myself sane, I've decided to refer to my old dad (Ben's dad) as Greg. Ashley's dad will continue to just be dad.

Last night's dinner was a lot to take and I ended up just laying in bed for the rest of the night staring at the ceiling, collecting my thoughts. Here's what I've come up with.

Ben Telaney no longer exists.

The man I saw on the street was someone who looked like Ben but was someone else.

No matter how hard I try, I'm going to be Ben Telaney inside the body of Ashley Montgomery.

That last one was the biggest realization. Maybe not a "realization" per se, but more an acceptance. It seems like I can't go two seconds without someone saying something is different about me. No matter what, I'm not going to seamlessly take over the life of Ashley. I'm just going to have to be myself and let everyone else adjust. It's a good thing I took her over while she's eighteen. It's much more believable that someone changes things about their personality at this stage in their life than when you're thirty, like I was. I certainly hope there isn't a real Ashley trapped in the body of Ben somewhere because that'll be much harder to explain than my situation.

So today I've added a new level onto my acceptance of being Ashley: I'm accepting that Ashley is going to be me.

So there. Take that.

Yesterday Greg said he's coming to my dad's office to go over paperwork for whatever this deal is. I found out the address of my dad's office and after he left for the day, I left as well. I waited about thirty minutes so he could get a head start on me and then I left. The building he works at isn't entirely his company. It's an office building and his company rents space on the eighth floor. Regardless, Greg will have to come through the lobby and sign into the building in order to go up. There's a coffee shop connected to the lobby with some tables for people to sit. I'm camped out at one of the tables, a cup of coffee in hand to make myself seem legitimate, and my eyes glued to the revolving doors. Luckily the coffee shop is to the side of the entrance, so when Greg comes in, as long as he doesn't look to his left, he won't see me. I brought some sunglasses to hide my face and I put my hair in a different style. (Once again, something that took forever trying to learn from YouTube videos)