Know Thyself Ch. 04

I wish there was someway I could find out from my dad what time this meeting is supposed to take place. Having finished a large cup of coffee, I now have to go to the bathroom. Once Greg enters the building and goes up to my dad's office, I can go. The meeting will take however long it'll take but at least I'll know he's up there and I can go to the bathroom for a couple minutes.

I'm wearing the most formal dress Ashley has in her closet. Something that looks somewhat business-like. This way it gives the illusion that I'm supposed to be here. If I'm dressed like a girl on summer break, I assume that will cause more attention my way than I want. I don't think the security guards will throw me out or anything. I'm allowed to sit and drink coffee at the coffee shop. I just can't go to the elevators.

To pass the time, I downloaded Beloved onto my phone. Might as well catch up on my summer reading since I just have to sit here. I thought it was a good idea but I'm noticing I'm reading so much slower since every time someone enters the building I have to look up and see who it is.

After about two hours, he finally shows up. Luckily he doesn't look to his left. He walks forward to the security table, checks in, and heads to the elevators. So now I know he's here. Thank God, because I have to pee so bad!

Once he's out of sight I jump up and walk back into the coffee shop and get on line for the bathroom. It's unisex, so I have to wait for someone to finish. Finally a guy around my age exits and I run in. I can almost cry when I see it.

There's piss all over the seat.

Are you kidding me? This is the first time I've used a public restroom since I've become Ashley. What is wrong with people? Don't they know some of us have to sit on the seat?!

What do I do? Wipe it?

That's gross.

What do girls usually do in this situation? I can't take too long. What if Greg is only dropping something off to my dad. If I waited all this time and then miss him on the way out I'll be so pissed.

I can hover.

Yeah, I can hover. I bet I can just...like...

I do what I have to do and I get out of there as fast as I can. I never really thought about the cleanliness of public restrooms before. As Ben I never had to touch anything while I was in there. I would flush the toilet with my foot, so in the end it was only the sink I had to touch. Well, now I know, avoid unisex bathrooms as much as possible.

I take a seat at one of the tables in the lobby and wait for Greg to exit. It only takes about twenty minutes before he's making his way out again. As he exits, I follow closely behind him. I don't know what I'm looking for exactly. In the back of my mind I wonder if he'll meet up with Ben but I know that's not possible. I've already accepted the fact that Ben doesn't exist.

Greg goes into a diner. I wait outside a moment before I enter. When I do, I see the hostess seated him at a booth with some girl. She comes back around and sees me.

"How many?"

"Just one."

She nods and starts walking me in the same direction as Greg. I don't want him to see me. Luckily he's seated with his back to the direction I'm coming from. If we pass him, he'll probably recognize me.

"Can I sit here?" I quickly take a seat at a table across and little behind him.

The hostess just shrugs. "Sure. Right here is fine." There's barely anyone in here right now, so I can't imagine it would be a problem.

The waiter comes around just as the hostess leaves and asks me what I want.

"Just water please."

"Sure. Let me know when you're ready."

I'm sorry but I'm going to be one of those customers today. Water only, no bill. I can't afford to wait for a check in case Greg leaves.

I finally get a good look at the girl and I realize she's not that much older than I am. Probably mid-twenties. Who the hell is this? I mean sure, I already knew he's not married to my mom, so he's probably single. But I never imagined Greg would date so young. Maybe they're not on a date. Just because a man and a woman sit together doesn't mean there's a romantic relationship there.

That's when she touches the top of his hand on the table. Or should I say caress. Yuck, they are on a date. Suddenly I get an image of Charles in my head and I can't seem to shake my dad's face from Charles' body.

The lunch goes on like any lunch would. They eat, she giggles at whatever stupid thing he's saying. I can't hear their actual words, but I can tell a fake laugh when I hear one. The waiter has stopped coming over to me after the third time I say I'm fine with just water. I keep the menu in hand to at least make it look like I'm still deciding. I think he gets it by now that I'm probably never going to order.

Greg calls for the check and the waiter walks away to retrieve it. That's when the girl leans over and kisses him. So there's some type of relationship here. I don't know how to feel about it. My dad and my mom (my old dad and mom, sorry, old habits) never got along that well. I always figured it was normal. After you've been with someone for so long the spark just disappears. Greg was never the affectionate type. I never pried too much into my parents' business. I wonder if that's what the problem always was. Greg is one of those guys that needs the attention of a younger woman. Is that why my mom and him never got along? She was too old for him or something?

What an asshole.

I never got along with him all that much to begin with. Knowing this, I can't help but despise him. My mom was awesome. He's lucky to even have her. Well, had her I guess I should say. Either way, what is he doing with this child? She's probably what? Twenty-three? I guess I'm not one to talk. That will make her five years older than me.

The two of them look like they're about to leave, so I quickly jump up and make my way out the door. On the street, I turn away as they exit. He hails a cab and puts her in it, giving her one last kiss before the taxi pulls away.

He starts walking down the street and I continue to follow him. I really don't know what I'm looking for at this point. He turns into Bryant Park and takes a seat at one of the metal tables. He takes out his cell phone and calls someone. I guess the person doesn't pick up because he quickly puts the phone back in his pocket. For some reason my legs start moving. I know what I'm about to do but I don't understand why. I walk over to the table and sit down across from him.

"Hi," I say.

He looks at me startled. "Well hello. Ashley, right?"

I nod. "Yes, from last night."

"Yes, Henry's daughter. How are you?"

"I'm well, and yourself?"

"Good, good. I just saw your dad earlier in his office."

"Oh good. I'm glad. Whatever the two of you were working on seems really important to him."

He smiles and nods. "Yes, me too."

We stare at each other a moment.

"So," he begins, breaking the silence. "Your dad send you?" I can tell he's joking.

"Yes. He told me to spy on you."

He chuckles. "Did he now? Find out anything interesting yet?"

"Not yet."

Greg laughs. "Well hopefully you won't find anything too bad."

"My dad doesn't know what I do. He probably thinks I sit at home and study all day."

"It appears he would be mistaken."

I have no idea where I'm going with this. There are a lot of things I want to ask but I have no idea how I can ask them without raising any alarms.

"So, do you normally work in Bryant Park?" That's the only question that comes to mind.

"Sometimes. I have an office but I don't like to be confined."

I nod. "You can't think outside the box when you're stuck in one."

He nods though looks a little suspicious. "That's what I always say."

"Me too."

Another pause. I can tell he's trying to figure me out. Why I'm here, what I'm looking for. He might actually think my dad sent me.

"I was wondering," I begin, "if I can ask you something personal?"

He takes a breath in and cocks his head to the side. "Sure. I suppose that would be fine."

"Do you know someone named Bethany Rosen?" That's my mother's name, Ben's mom. I might as well cut right to the chase.

I can tell he does. The look of recognition and shock on his face gives him away. "Why do you ask?"

"Last night I felt like I knew you from somewhere. Like I recognized you. When I saw you take a seat here, it suddenly came to me."

"Do you know Beth," he asks.

"So you do know her."

He nods. "Yes, I know her."

"How?"

"We dated in college. We both met at the University of Maryland."

That's right. That's how they met.

"What happened," I ask.

He shifts his position uncomfortably. "Why are you asking about this?"

"A friend of mine has family in Baltimore. I stayed with her and her aunt once. I was a freshman and my first boyfriend broke up with me." I'm starting to scare myself at how easily lies just fly out of my mouth. "I was crying and being stupid. Her aunt told me about a boy she dated in college and how great it was but how it didn't work out. She was really nice. Show'd me a picture of the boy. He looked a lot like you."

I can see his eyes drift away into a memory. "She was nice."

"What happened?"

He shrugs. "I got a job here in New York and she didn't want to leave Baltimore."

"With the city."

He looks at me suspiciously.

"I remember she told us that."

It looks like he believes that and nods. "Yes, I worked for the city for a period of time. Eventually I found my way into my current position. Much better job. Longer hours than the city job but much more interesting."

"Did you ever speak to Beth again?"

"You do ask a lot of personal questions."

"I warned you." I smile to try to make him more comfortable.

It seems like it works a little. He softens. "No, we never spoke again. It was a difficult breakup. We were both in love."

I've never, in all my thirty years, heard my dad say he loved my mom. I've never heard him use the word "love". It shocks me and I can't seem to find anything to say in response.

"But," he continues. "Life has a way of throwing you curveballs."

"Yeah. I know what you mean."

He smiles at me. "Just wait, you're young. You haven't seen anything yet."

"Do you still think about her?"

He shakes his head. "No. Well, sometimes, a memory will come back to me. But no, I don't. When you really care for someone and it doesn't work out, you have to move on or it'll eat you up."

I nod. God, who is this guy?! This is not the dad I remember. I could've gotten along with this guy so much more growing up.

"Do you still see her," he asks me.

I shake my head. "No. I only saw her that once, and then my friend and I stopped speaking. It was a whole mess. I just remember the story her aunt told me."

"She must've told it well."

"She did." I smile. "She said you both were in love too."

He smiles at that. "I haven't thought of Beth in a long time. It's crazy how small the world is."

"Just out of curiosity, how long ago did you move to New York City?"

He throws his head back and thinks for a moment. "Let's see...thirty-one years I believe. Wow, it's been thirty-one years now. I hadn't realized it'd been that long."

One year before I was born.

"Well, I should get going," he says as he starts to stand up. "I do have to show my face in the office at least once a day." He smiles and extends his hand. "It was nice to see you again. Thank you for the trip down memory lane."

I shake his hand. "No problem. I'm sorry if it was too personal or anything."

He waves it away. "No no, I don't mind. It was nice to hear she spoke kindly of me."

He starts to walk away and then stops.

"Make sure to tell your brother to send me his resume. I believe we can find something for him in my office."

"Sure. Of course. Thanks!"

He smiles and nods his head. "Have a good one."

He walks away and I sit back down at the table.

So that's what the existence of Ben Telaney was riding on. Will my mom follow my dad to New York City or will my dad stay with my mom in Baltimore? God, one decision and my entire life changes. As I sit here I wonder what will happen if the two of them were to get together now and have a child. What if it was a boy? It probably wouldn't be "me". Maybe the brother I never had.

But my dad loved my mom. At least in the beginning.

I realize now that is what I was following him all day to find out. I might not have realized it when I first left the house this morning, but that's what I was hoping to hear. He loved her. Ben Telaney wasn't a mistake. He was a child born out of love. I think subconsciously I always suspected my parents were together because my mom got pregnant unexpected. Now I know, expected or not, they loved each other at that time.

I wasn't a mistake.

**********************************************************

The events of the afternoon were so overwhelming I almost forgot about the plans I had tonight. The date with Matt! Thank God I put it in my calendar with a reminder alert. When I got home the alert went off that I had an hour before our meeting time, so I quickly threw some new clothes on and some makeup. I'm actually getting a lot better at it now.

I'm walking down Broadway towards the movie theater now. I found a cute little purple dress with slits along the sides in the closet. He was very nice to me that night at the party, so I want to look nice.

The theater's about a block away and I can already see him standing outside looking at his phone. I feel so bad, the movie starts in ten minutes! I hope he doesn't think...well I don't know what he'll think but I hope it's not bad.

"Matt," I call out as I approach the theatre doors.

He jumps. Maybe I said it too loud. "Ashley, hi!"

"I'm so sorry I'm late. I can't believe it took me this long to get here."

"It's okay. There's always like fifteen minutes of previews at the beginning anyway."

I hadn't noticed this last time but he's cute. The only time I saw him not drunk or hungover was when I first walked into the party. He has a nice pair of jeans and a tight pink t-shirt on. The whole Scooby-Doo look is completely gone. I'm surprised the guy is single. Probably because he seems so timid and shy.

We make our way into the theater. It turns out he already bought the tickets. I try to give him some money but he refuses.

"No, it's okay," he says. "I guess this means there'll have to be a next time so you can pay for that." He gives me a smirk.

That's the most forward I've ever heard him. Not bad. It's a good thing too because I forgot I don't have any cash.

"Sneaky little plan you have there," I tease.

"Always have a plan. Do you want popcorn or a drink or anything?"

"No, I ate before I came." A lie, but I feel bad making this kid pay for everything.

"Yeah, me too."

We walk towards the ticket taker and I realize popcorn would've been a good way for me to pay for something. Oh well, I guess his plan is working. There will have to be a second date now.

We walk into the dark theater and looks for seats. He quickly finds two in the back. I'm not sure if this is on purpose or if he chose these in a moment of panic and just sat down. I still remember being a boy and the whole thing about being in the back of the movie theater.

The movie starts and ends. Unfortunately, that's the most you can say about it. I've never been that big into action movies. I mean, I like a movie with special effects but I hate mindless action. I like to be entertained but I don't want to turn my brain off for two hours. That's pretty much what this movie was. Though to be fair, this is the kind of movie an eighteen year old boy would go to.

There wasn't any touching during the movie. I'm still a little uncomfortable in my new body though I'm starting to feel more comfortable around Matt. We didn't hold hands or anything like that. Now that the credits are rolling I can tell he's kind of lingering. I sit there and wait to see what he does. Everyone is starting to leave the theater, walking past us. It's not like we're alone. I guess he thinks better of it and stands up.

"What'd you think," he asks me as we try to merge into the sea of people leaving.

I shrug. "It was fine."

"Yeah, I've been waiting to see this forever." As we leave the theater he goes into a whole explanation of the backstory of this movie. Apparently it was based on some graphic novel, something he's a fan of.

"I've never read a graphic novel before."

"Really? I could lend you a couple if you're interested."

"Sure." I don't really want to read one but I don't want to be impolite.

Now we're standing outside the theater, finishing our conversation about graphic novels. God, I almost forgot what it's like to date when you're a teenager. Dating is still awkward when you're in your late twenties but there's some extra level of awkwardness about it when you're in your teens. Maybe it's because you're still not comfortable in your own body.

I can relate, Matt. I can relate.

"You want to come back to my place and I could give you one of the books?"

I wonder if the whole graphic novel thing was leading up to this or if he's just improvising now. Let's be honest here, I have the maturity of a thirty year old. I know where this is going. Is this something I really want to do? I mean, he might not be trying to have full out sex with me, but something. Is this something I really want? I look him in the eyes, searching for an answer. I've never been intimate with a man before. I know I'm a girl now, but in many ways I'm still a man. Do I want him?

Yes. Absolutely.

"Sure," I say.

I can see a look of relief on his face and a smile from ear to ear. We start walking in the direction of his apartment. I'm not sure how far I'll take it, but I am attracted to him. I feels weird to say, but I'm attracted to this boy. I can feel it. It's not something in my head, like something I've decided, it's something I feel.

He's only a couple blocks away from the theater, so we get there in no time. He opens the door to the familiar living room I've seen before.

"I know which book will be good to start with," he says as he walks to his bedroom.

I follow behind him. When he turns around he looks startled that I'm in here.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I say. "Should I wait in the living room?"

"No!" His exclamation is a mixture of excitement and nervousness. "I mean, whatever. It's cool."

He turns around and looks for a book on his bookshelf. He looks to be an avid reader. Half the bookshelf is filled with comics and the other half is books. A couple of the shelves have action figures on them. I pick up a miniature C3PO.

"That's C3PO," he tells me.

I make a face at him. "I know."

"Oh, sorry. I wasn't sure if..." He trails off.

"I like sci-fi. Star Wars is cool."

"Really? I love Star Wars too. I used to watch them all the time when I was a kid."

"Yeah, me too. The prequels were cool too."

He rolls his eyes. "Oh."

I laugh and shove him. "Shut up. They were cool. You know you liked them."

"Not really," he says, looking at me with a smile.

"Well I liked them."

"Please don't tell me you liked Jar-Jar-Binks too."

"Hey!" I put my hands on my hips and make a stern face. "I have some class."

We both laugh and then suddenly he leans in and kisses me. It's a quick peck on the lips and then he pulls away. He looks down at his feet, avoiding my eyes.

"Sorry," he says.

"No, it's okay."

I put my hand on his cheek and make him look at me. I lean in and kiss him. This time I open my mouth and our tongues meet in the middle. I can finally feel his body relax as he puts his arms around me. I hang my arms around his shoulders, C3PO dangling in my left hand. We make out for what seems like forever. It feels like we're both kissing each other, instead of him kissing me. When Brian kissed me at the party it was like he was doing something to me, but this feels like the two of us sharing an experience. It feels nice.