Know Thyself Ch. 04

I can feel the bulge in his pants start to grow and suddenly I realize the idea of a penis doesn't seem gross to me. With all of the new hormones going through my body I can feel myself get turned on by the feeling of his growing cock. Since C3PO is still in my left hand, I lower my right one and cup his growing crotch.

He takes a deep breath in and leans back to give me more room. We disengage from making out and I hold C3PO up.

"Can you put him somewhere," I say with a smile.

He smiles back and takes it from me.

I don't quite realize it yet but I'm moving on instinct, like there's this base desire taking control of me. I undo his belt and unbutton his pants. He leans back on the desk behind him, both hands down on the desk to hold him up. I lower his pants and boxers at the same time and his semi hard cock pops out. I put my hand around his shaft and start to stroke him slowly. I look him in the eye and he looks right back at me.

In almost a whisper he says, "I really like you Ashley."

I whisper back. "I really like you too."

I squeeze his cock and press my body into him as I start to kiss his neck. I feel his hands grab the back of my head and she squeezes my hair tight. His pelvis thrusts into me as I still have a grip on his cock.

I lower down onto my knees, his cock now in front of my face. I realize I don't really know if Ashley is a virgin. No matter what, I'm going to think of myself as one. Even if she's had sex before, I've never had sex as a woman.

Looking at his penis I can feel myself get even more wet. I realize right now that all the hesitation I've had about being intimate with a boy and what that means about me has all been stupid. I want this and that's all that matters. What does it matter what Ben wanted, I'm Ashley and Ashley wants this.

I open my mouth and take him inside of me. His head feels soft on my tongue and I can feel him get harder inside my mouth. I start to take him in and out slowly.

"Yes," he whispers.

Feeling him get hard inside my mouth turns me on even more. As I start to get more comfortable with his penis in my mouth, I start to stroke him faster. I finally come up for air and jerk him off with my hand, my face going lower to lick his balls. My tongue rubs the bottom of his sack and I can feel him going wild. I never knew pleasing someone else can turn me on so much. I put his penis back in my mouth and I start to touch myself. His hand cups the back of my head and he guides me up and down on his cock. I feel him going deeper inside of me with every thrust. Suddenly his hand tightens around a chunk of my hair and I feel his whole body spasm and suddenly a warm liquid fills my mouth. It feels like the tip of his cock is emptying inside my mouth forever until finally it stops and I feel him relax again. I take his cock out of me and hold his cum in my mouth. This is the first time I've ever tasted cum and I realize it's not as bad as I always thought it was. I swallow it and look up at him. He smiles down at me, his hand caressing my hair. I give him a kiss on the tip of his cock and stand up. We kiss again, our bodies pressing against each other. I can feel the current of sexual desire subside in me and I rest my head on his chest as he holds me tight.

He whispers into my ear, "that's the first time I've ever done that."

I whisper back, "me too."

He leans back so we can look at each other again. "I really like you."

"I really like you too." I mean it. I can tell Matt is a good guy. It's been so long since I've been intimate with someone and even then, it's always been a one night stand. It's been a long time since someone has looked at me this way. It's like everything else doesn't matter.

We stand in each other's arms for a while longer until finally I say I have to go. He hasn't done anything to me but I'm afraid if I let him, I won't want to stop. I'm not ready for sex yet, so I'm happy to leave it at this for now. If I'm going to lose my virginity to someone, I think it'll be nice to lose it to him. Just not right now.

He hands me a graphic novel off his shelf called The Watchmen.

"If you've never read one before, this is a good place to start."

"Thanks," I say, knowing I'm probably not going to read this. I do appreciate the gesture though.

We stand at his front door and kiss one more time.

"So when can I see you again," he asks me.

"Whenever. Just text me. My schedule's open."

"Okay." He smiles and gives me another kiss.

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I feel like this giant worry has been lifted from me. I never realized it but I had this deep fear of what would happen if I got intimate with someone. I don't even know why it was worrying me or what I thought was going to happen. The whole experience seems like it's lifted the weight of the world off my shoulders.

Matt lives on the east side, so I'm standing at a bus stop waiting for the crosstown bus. These things always take forever. I look across the street and there he is once again.

Ben.

He's standing on Fifth Avenue, Central Park behind him. I swear he's looking at me and smiling. Now that he's caught my attention, he turns and starts walking south.

Of course right at this moment the bus shows up. I have to follow him though. I turn and cross the street over to Fifth. It's not that late so there are still quite a few people out. I have to hurry to keep up with him. Not once does he turn to look at me. It's as if he's taking me somewhere and that's when I realize where we're going.

The fountain.

Sure enough, I eventually find myself walking down the path through Central Park to the Bethesda Fountain. Every time I pick up my pace to catch up to him, it's like he picks his up too, though it doesn't look like it. At one point I'm almost running (or as close to running as I can get in heels) and I still don't catch up to him, even though it looks like the entire time he's just walking.

I make my way out onto the courtyard and there it is right in front of me, the Bethesda Fountain. There's still people here and I panic for a second because it seems like I've lost him in the crowd. I start to walk around the fountain, scanning all the faces. Finally, I see him, sitting on the edge of the fountain, his back to me. I make my way around the curve and stand in front of him.

He looks exactly like me, as if I'm looking in the mirror. Sorry, I mean he looks exactly like Ben. He smiles up at me.

"Ashley?" I ask, wondering if that's the real Ashley inside Ben's body.

"No, that's you," he says back.

"Ben?"

He nods.

"That's impossible," I say. "I'm Ben Telaney."

"No, you're Ashley Montgomery."

I feel the pit of my stomach sink. What the hell is going on?

"Who are you?" It's more a demand than a question.

He pats the spot next to him. "Sit down."

I shake my head. "No, tell me who you are first."

He looks over his shoulder to the angel at the top of the fountain and then back at me.

"You're," I begin, not knowing what that really means. "You're the fountain?"

Ben chuckles. "No, the fountain is a fountain. I just like it here."

I take a breath and sit down next to him.

"There you go. That wasn't so hard," he says.

"Please. Tell me what's going on."

"I think you know what's going on."

All the people around us continue whatever they're doing, as if the two of us sitting here are the most normal thing in the world.

"I have no idea what's going on," I answer.

"You were once me, and now you're you." He pauses. "Well, I'm sorry. I shouldn't say me. You were once in this body and now you're in that one. That's what's going on."

"How is that possible?"

"You made a wish. Do you remember?"

I nod.

"You wished you were a different person. You were very upset from what I remember. In quite a dark mood actually. Quite a destructive mood. You asked to be a different person, so I obliged."

"Who are you?" This time I sound almost desperate.

"You know all those stories about guardian angels?"

I nod.

"Well it's nothing like that. I have no obligation to help you in any way."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"How can I explain something like this to you if you don't even know how a cell phone works?"

I look at him confused and he continues to smile back.

"It just is," he says.

"Is this permanent?"

He shakes his head. "Nothing is permanent."

"So when do I change back?"

He looks me in the eye. "When I feel like it."

I feel a pang of fear as I take his words in.

"What happened to Ashley?"

He raises his eyebrows. "You are Ashley."

"No, the real one."

"You are the real one. Don't you even know who you are?"

"I'm Ben Telaney."

"That was your name when you looked like this. Now your name is Ashley Montgomery and you look like that. But you are still you."

I shake my head. "I don't understand what that means."

"There's no real Ashley. You are Ashley and you are Ben. You are many other people as well if you only think of people as a body and a name. There is a power, a life force that exists inside you and that is who you are. This..." He pinches my arm.

I pull away instinctively. "Ow!"

"This is just a body."

"So what happens to Ben?"

"You are Ben."

This is starting to make my head hurt. "Okay, what happens to Ben's body?"

"You are a life force. One and only one life force. You can be Ben, you can be Ashley, you can be many other bodies. But those bodies need you inside of them. So, when you're one, the others don't exist. If you're Ben, Ashley never existed. If you're Ashley, Ben never existed. That's how it works."

I sit there and think about what he just said.

"If that's true, then how are you here, looking like that?"

"I'm not really here."

He smiles at me and nods to a couple people standing a few feet away from us. I glance over at them and they quickly glance away.

I get it. People think I'm talking to myself. Great, now they think I'm crazy.

Maybe I am going crazy.

"What am I supposed to do?" I ask him, not caring what these people around me will think.

"Live. Be happy."

"That's it?"

"'That's it' she says, as if it's easy. When you looked like me you found it very difficult to do that. Most people do."

"So I'm stuck like this?"

He looks at me, a weird look on his face.

"Would you like to change back?"

"Ye..." I stop myself and think for a moment. When I took the coin out of the fountain I thought I might've been changing myself back. Now I know that stupid coin was just that, a stupid coin. Now I actually do have the choice. Do I really want to change back?

I don't know.

Ben laughs. "I see. Well Ashley, I would say you still have some living to do."

"Can I really change back if I want to?"

He shakes his head. "No. You can only change back if I want you to."

"And what do you want?"

"A hot dog."

I look at him not understanding. He gets up and starts walking over to one of the hot dog vendors. I feel a tug at my shirt. A middle aged woman is holding a cell phone out to me.

"Do you mind taking a picture for us?" She nods back to two other middle-aged women.

I shake my head and look back towards the hot dog vendor.

He's gone. Of course he is.

The woman taps me on the shoulder again. "Please." She's still holding the phone out to me. I take it and hold it up to the group and take the picture. The woman takes her phone back and thanks me.

I feel more afraid than anything else. I look at the angel at the top of the statue. I can't help but feel that I'm being watched now. Who was that?

Well what did I think? You don't just change bodies for no reason.

This is true, but...

I don't know what I think.

Live. Be happy. That's what he said. That's it?

I start to walk away, making my way to the park exit. As I walk I start to feel better. I've been given a second chance at life. I shouldn't be so skeptical of it. Whoever that was has done something great for me. He was right, I wasn't in good shape as Ben. I hated myself.

You hated living.

That's the thing I never want to admit. I hated life as Ben. I really did. Why would I want to go back? How many people feel the same way and have to continue on as they are? I've been given this gift. That's what it is, a gift. It's time I stopped wasting it. I'm about to start college and I can completely reshape my life. How many times have I thought "if I can just go back and do it all over again." Now I have that chance. I can't believe I've spent all this time just sitting around and doing nothing.

Like he said, I am Ashley. It's time I started living, not just coasting by like I did when I was Ben.

I feel good. I feel motivated. I feel unstoppable.

I feel like a woman.

This is the first time I've embraced that. I am a woman. I'm a woman that has a second chance at life.

Okay, before I start singing Shania Twain, I need to find some food because I also feel like a woman who's hungry. I should've let Matt buy me some popcorn at the movie theater. One thing's for sure though, I'm not going to waste this gift a second longer.

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