Know Thyself Ch. 06

"We're pulling in now." I can see the relief on his face as he knows I'm about to leave.

"Thank you! Thank you for waking me up."

He nods as he gets up to let me out.

I almost missed my stop. I can't believe I slept through my alarm, I never do that. At least, I never used to. I've noticed since I've become Ashley it's a lot easier for me to fall asleep on public transit. I always find myself dozing off on the subway now. As Ben, that would never happen to me. There must be something about Ashley that makes her fall asleep. Thank God I woke up in time. Last thing I'd want to do is buy another Amtrak ticket to go one stop in the other direction.

It's a couple minutes walk to the light rail station. I now know what Wendy was talking about. It's freezing! I mean, it was cold on the platform when I got off the train, but not like this. At least the platform was slightly covered. The minute I step outside the wind picks up and almost blows me away. I can feel the air pushing through my skin all the way down to my bones. This walk is going to be rough. At least I brought gloves with me. I have to pull a small suitcase behind me and if I had my hand open to the air it might fall off before I got to the station. I probably should've called an Uber but I'm trying to save some money on this trip.

Luckily the station is a lot closer than Google Maps made it seem. It was only a couple minutes, definitely within walking distance. So now, I need to catch the B train. I pay my fare and make my way onto the platform. The train rolls in right as I get there. Perfect timing! Next stop, Boston College!

**********************************************************

Well, I'm here. I thought the hard part was over, but now I'm going to have to find my way around campus on my own. I thought Wendy was going to meet me at the train station but she texted while I was on my way that she can't. She said she didn't have time to clean before class, so she's doing it now. I guess I should be happy, she wants it to look nice for me. I pull up a map of the campus on my phone. It shouldn't be that hard. She lives in a place called Roncallli Hall. It looks like I walk onto campus from the main road and stay to my right. Should be a piece of cake!

And by piece of cake, I mean a piece of rancid two month old left in the sun cake. I've spent the last twenty minutes walking in a circle, dragging my stupid suitcase behind me. All the buildings look the same! They're beautiful, don't get me wrong, but I'm completely lost. Why couldn't she just come and meet me? I don't understand why-

That's when I see it. Roncallli Hall. I somehow stumbled my way onto it. I mumble some curses to myself and roll my stupid suitcase up to the front door. I text Wendy that I'm downstairs and she texts that she's coming down. I have to remind myself to be in a good mood. Walking around a campus I've never been to when someone could've made this really easy on me has put me in a bad mood. Whatever! I'm about to see Wendy again. Be happy!

And then there she is. I see her get off the elevator just beyond the windowed double doors. She hasn't changed all all. Same hair, same clothes, same inviting smile. I don't know what I was expecting. Some part of me thought she'd emerge looking like someone I didn't recognize. The familiarity gives me hope.

"Oh my God!!" She yells as she runs through the double doors, arms wide open.

I drop the handle of my suitcase and we hug, her grasp on me tighter than expected. The security guard looks at us through the little window in the wall and rolls his eyes.

"It's so good to see you!" I say to her.

"You too! I can't believe you came."

"Why wouldn't I? I've been so excited since yesterday."

She grabs my hand with both of hers. "This is so cool. Thank you."

"Of course." My smile is big, my face feeling like it stretched out a couple of inches.

Wendy turns to the security guard and does the whole sign-in thing. Then we're on the elevator making our way to her floor.

"How was the ride over?" She asks me.

"Not bad. I caught one of those fast Acela trains"

"Cool. How's Hunter?"

"It's okay. Classes are easy, but you know, I'm good with math."

She chuckles. "Are you?"

"Yeah. Well, now I am." I decide to change the subject quickly. "How are your roommates?"

"Roommate. I only have one. Her name is Heather. She's cool, kind of stays out of my hair. She's not very friendly, but she's gone tonight. You can sleep on her bed, she said she doesn't mind. She lives in Massachusetts, so she goes home on the weekends mostly."

"God, why would anyone want to stay at home when they're in college?"

"Well, you are," she says with a laugh.

"Yeah, for now. I'm thinking of applying for some scholarships for next year to pay for the dorms. They're nice!"

"Oh, have you seen them?"

"Yeah. I'm friends with this girl Alana from my algebra class and she lives in them. They're nice. Right next to the Ninety-Second Street Y."

Wendy looks away from me as I as I say it, a weird look on her face.

"You make any new friends?" I ask, trying to stay friendly.

The elevator gets to her floor and we start walking to the room. People are out and about, obviously students who have a weekend ahead f them.

"Yeah, her name is Talia. We met during orientation. She's nice, you'll like her. She's actually in my room right now."

"Oh, cool. Did she help you clean?"

"What? Yeah! Yeah, she did."

Something about her voice sounds weird.

We get to her room and she opens it up. If I'm being honest, it's a broom closet. If I'm being even more honest, it's about the size of Alana's room, except there are two people living in here. Plus there's no common room, it's just this room. Her friend Talia is sitting on the bed and jumps off as we walk in. She's kind of petite with pale skin and rosy cheeks from too much makeup. She kind of has a tomboyish look to her, but that's probably from the New England Patriots sweatshirt she's wearing.

"Hi! You must be Ashley," she says as she holds her hand out. I shake it. "Wendy's been talking so much about you since yesterday."

"Only since yesterday?" I laugh to try to make it sound like a joke, even though it isn't. "It's nice to meet you."

"You hungry?" Wendy asks me.

"Yeah, actually." I say. "I haven't eaten yet. You?"

Talia nods, as does Wendy.

"We ordered a pizza and I thought it would be here by the time you were but its taking forever. I ordered your usual. Onions and green peppers." Wendy says.

I hate onions on pizza. The old Ashley must've had no taste.

"Great," I say, trying to sound excited.

Wendy's phone starts to ring.

"That must be them." She answers it. "Hello? Yeah, I'm coming down." She turns to us. "Pizza's here."

"I'll get it," Talia says. "You guys do your thing."

"Thanks babe," Wendy says.

Babe?

Wendy grabs Talia's hand as she walks by. She exits and Wendy turns toward me.

"So! Tell me about Hunter." She hops on the bed and folds her legs.

"Well, it's okay. Not as big as this place."

"I know, right? This place is so cool. I love living so far from home. I just love the freedom I have now. I feel like I can finally be me." She sighs relief as she says it, as if the weight of the world has been holding her down. A little melodramatic if you ask me.

"You sound happy," I say.

"I really am. I love it here."

"You don't mind sharing a room with your roommate?"

She rolls her eyes. "Heather's fine. She's one of those girls who hasn't been exposed to much, you know?"

I nod. Looking around her room gives you some insight. Heather's side is meticulously neat. Wendy's is a disaster. It's as if there was a tornado that stopped at an invisible line in the middle.

She must see me looking around. "I try to keep my stuff on my side," Wendy explains. "That's something Heather asked on the first day. She's kind of a neat freak."

"Yeah, I can tell."

"She's also not very comfortable with me."

"Why?"

Wendy raises her eyebrows.

"What?" I ask. I don't get it.

"With me being a lesbian." She shakes her head as she says it, as if I'm too slow to keep up.

"Oh. Really? She lives in Massachusetts and she's never known a lesbian?"

"She's from one of those high class New England families. She claims she's never known anyone who was a lesbian. Yeah right!"

I laugh.

"By the way, I never got a chance to thank you." Wendy says.

"For what?" I ask.

"Stacey. I heard you punched her in the face."

Just as she says it, Talia comes back with the pizza.

"Who got punched in the face?" Talia asks.

"Ashley was defending my honor." Wendy says it as if she's some medieval lady. "I came out to a couple of our friends and they flipped out. I heard she was talking shit about me to Ashley, so Ashley punched her in the face.

Talia looks at me. "Open fist or closed fist?"

"Open," I answer.

She nods in approval. "Wicked." She opens her bag and takes out a bottle and some red solo cups. "That calls for a drink."

"What is it?" I ask.

Talia holds up a bottle of Jim Beam. "Wendy tells me you're a whisky drinker."

I look at Wendy and she shrugs.

"What?" Wendy says. "It's all you drank at that party. I thought that's your new thing."

I smile. "It is."

Talia pours three shots and passes them around. "You're in good company then. Sounds like me and you have to teach our friend here how to drink."

She holds her cup up, Wendy and I hold ours up too. Talia looks to Wendy for the toast. Wendy looks at me.

"To never forgetting who your real friends are."

I love her.

We all drink. Wendy coughs and Talia and I laugh at her.

"Uh! How do you drink that stuff?" Wendy protests.

"It's an acquired taste," Talia says.

I hold my cup out to Talia for another one. There's no way her new friend is going to outdrink me. Talia takes the challenge and pours the two of us an actual drink, not just a shot. She holds her hand out for Wendy's cup but she shakes her head. Talia looks at me.

"Just us two then." She gives me a wink.

"So where are you from?" I ask Talia.

"Worcester. The most boring place in the world."

"Where's that?"

"Central mass."

Talia has this way about her that makes you think everything is a challenge. She's friendly, don't get me wrong. She just has a rough edge about her that you can't seem to find. It's like when you have a splinter but can't get it out. You can feel it but you can't see it, and you want to keep picking at it but you know it's only going to make things worse.

"Cool," I say.

"People don't say that around here. Apparently the proper word is 'wicked'."

"Wicked?" I ask.

Wendy laughs. "So weird."

"You've never heard someone say 'wicked' before?" Talia asks me.

"Only in the movies."

It's not until now I notice the seating arrangement. I'm sitting on Heather's bed and Talia is sitting with Wendy on her bed, and they're very close. Touching actually.

I take another drink of whisky.

Slow down. Remember, you can't drink like you did when you were Ben.

Talia pours Wendy another drink.

"So what is there to do around here?" I ask the both of them.

"What would you like to do?" Wendy asks.

I shrug. "I don't know. Just trying to get a feel for the place."

"Well, if you don't leave too early on Sunday, I can take you to this bar Talia and I go to. It's a Patriots bar. They play at one on Sunday."

I give her a weird look. "Since when did you start liking football?"

"Talia got me into it. It's fun at the bar on Sundays. The people there are so funny."

"Don't know if I'd want to be around a bunch of Pats fans," I say, about to roll my eyes but stop.

"Oh," Talia says. "You must be a Giants fan."

I smile. "Go big blue."

"Oh my gawd."

"Since when did you start watching football?" Wendy asks.

I shrug. "I don't know. Since always." I always have watched football.

"No you haven't," Wendy protests.

"Yeah I have. Maybe I just didn't share it with you because I thought you didn't like it?"

"Well," Talia cuts in. "If I were a Giants fan, I would hide it as well."

I know she's trying to be funny but everything she's saying is starting to piss me off.

"Why would I hide beating you twice in the Super Bowl?" I say to Talia. To cap it off, I take a drink.

Apparently this was the wrong thing to say to her. I can see the anger cracking her face.

"Ashley," Wendy cuts in. "It's actually really serious to her. It's not funny."

I could keep going further but I just got here. Plus the girl bought whisky just for me. I'm probably not going to get on Wendy's good side if I offend her friend within the first hour of being here.

I look to Talia. "I'm sorry, I didn't know it meant that much to you. I'm just kidding." I hold my cup out to her.

She eyes me up for a moment and then clinks her cup with mine. "S'okay. I thought you were being serious for a moment there. Giants fans are the worst, you have no idea."

So are Patriots fans, but that's for another time.

I can already tell Talia and I are never going to be friends. Not because of the stupid football thing, but because I can tell she's trying to mark her territory. It feels like I'm around my annoying friends from Penn State again.

That's really what's pissing me off.

I wish I could just hang out with Wendy one-on-one. I want to talk to her about us but I can't with Talia around. The rest of the night goes on more or less like this. Mainly small talk about school and stuff like that. I keep waiting for Talia to say she's going back to her room but it never happens. Eventually Wendy passes out on her bed and Talia and I realize it's just the two of us left.

"Well, I should probably get going," she says to me.

"Yeah. I'm about ready to pass out as well."

"It was awesome meeting you."

"Yeah, you too. Thanks for the whisky."

"No problem. And thank you for what you did for her."

I look confused. "What did I do?"

"That friend of yours you punched in the face."

"Oh." I shrug it off.

"She was so happy when she found out about it. I don't know if she told you what that girl said to her when she came out to her."

I shake my head.

"Called her a 'fucking dyke' to her face. She said she cried when she got home that night."

"Stacey called me the same thing right before I punched her."

Talia laughs. "Well, it really put a smile on Wendy's face. Thank you. I wish I could've been there to do it too." She holds her hand out to me.

I shake her hand. "No problem. It was nice meeting you."

"You too."

Talia leaves and I start getting ready for bed. I look at Wendy but I can tell she's completely passed out. Probably shouldn't have had whisky tonight. I wish I could talk to her now that Talia is gone but I guess that'll have to wait for tomorrow. I plug my phone in on my nightstand and turn the light out.

**********************************************************

I wake up to an empty room.

I sit up, scanning the room for some sign of where Wendy is. She's not in bed and her phone is gone. The room isn't that big, so she's definitely not in here.

Maybe the bathroom?

I'm sure there's a shared bathroom on the floor. I have to take a shower anyway. She's probably in the shower or something. I strip down and wrap a towel around me. I get the soap and shampoo and conditioner I brought with me, along with my toothbrush and some toothpaste. I open the door just a little bit and peek down the hallway. It's empty. The problem is I don't know where the showers are. I take a guess and start walking down the hallway. Nothing is looking like a shower. After going down the length of the hallway, the door next to me swings open and a boy stands frozen in place in the doorway.

He startles me and I yelp, dropping my bottle of conditioner. The boy scrambles to pick it up and hands it to me.

"Thanks," I say.

He nods.

"Do you know where the women's shower is?"

He points in the direction I came from. I guess I should've made a right out of the door instead of a left.

"Thanks." I try to sound composed but I'm completely embarrassed, wearing only a towel and sandals.

As I walk away I can hear someone else in the room say "who was that" before the door closes.

Walking back the way I came and passing Wendy's room, I eventually stumble onto the women's shower.

"Wendy?" I call out.

No one answers.

"Wendy?" I try again.

But still, no answer.

Maybe she walked back to the room when I was down in the boys end?

Yeah, must be. Well, since I'm here, I might as well take a shower. I put my things on the rack inside the shower and hang my towel up. The water pressure is strong, much stronger than at home as the water beats me the entire time. When I'm done I brush my teeth and start heading back to the room. It's at this point I realize I forgot to take my brush with me to the showers. It's still in the room. Once I'm there I turn the knob but the door is locked, so I knock.

No one answers.

I knock again. "Wendy?"

Nothing.

I put my ear to the door and listen. There's nothing but silence on the other side.

Maybe she fell asleep again?

I knock harder this time. "Wendy?!" I keep knocking but it's clear no one is in there.

Did she lock me out?!

Unless...oh my God. The door locks automatically. She was never here. I must've locked myself out the minute I walked outside.

And my phone is in the room.

She's got to be coming back soon. How far could she have gone? She knows I'm here. I lean on the door and wait for her to come back. People start to come in and out of their rooms as I stand there. Everyone always giving me a sideways look. I would too if I saw a girl standing in a hallway wet wearing nothing but a towel and clutching all her toiletries.

God, I could kill Wendy right now. Why would she leave me?!

So I wait.

And I wait.

And I wait some more.

It has to have been about thirty minutes by now but there's no way for me to tell since I don't have a phone. My legs start to hurt so I look at the floor to see if it's safe to sit down. The towel only barely makes it past my waist. If I sit down, my bare ass will be touching the floor, or at least half of it. The floor doesn't look that dirty, so maybe it'll be okay. I decide to stand a little longer. She must be coming back soon.

I wait another ten minutes and then say fuck it and sit down. My legs are hurting too much. I fold my legs and use my hands to cover my vagina, since this towel does nothing to keep me hidden. No one says anything to me as they walk by, but they do all take a moment to stare at me and then chuckle.

Thank you for that. As if I couldn't feel any worse.

"Ashley?!"

I look up and see Wendy down the hallway. She comes running and I stand up.

"What are you doing?" She asks me.

"What am I doing? I'm locked out. What are you doing?"

"I was at breakfast." She has a look of horror on her face.

"Why didn't you take me with you?" I know I shouldn't yell but I can't help it.

"You were sleeping. I texted you to come meet me so that you'd see it when you woke up."

"Why would I look at my phone the moment I woke up?"

"How long have you been out here?"

"Probably an hour but I have no idea because my phone is in there," as I point to the room.

She unlocks the door and we take our fight inside. She goes to my bedside table, looks at my phone, and then holds it up to me.