Know Thyself Ch. 06

"See," she says. "It says 'went to breakfast, meet me in lyons hall''.

"Wendy! I have no idea where Lyons Hall is! What the hell is Lyons Hall? Why do you think I know this campus like you do? Like last night, when I was trying to find this place. I've never been here before, Wendy!"

"Well..." She trails off, not knowing what to say.

"Can you turn around please? So I can get dressed. I've been in nothing but a towel for an hour now."

Wendy huffs and turns around. I start to put clothes on.

"Why didn't you just knock on the RA's door?"

"Who the hell is the RA? Wendy! I've never been here before!"

"Stop yelling at me!"

"You can turn around now."

She does and I can't tell if she's furious or about to cry.

"Talia is right. You're being very rude."

"What?!"

"Yeah, she said you were really nasty last night after I went to sleep."

I knew that girl was trouble.

"We didn't talk after you went to sleep. She left."

Wendy folds her arms, a clear defensive position. "That's not what she said."

"Then she's lying. I don't believe you ditch me to go to breakfast, I get locked out of your room and you don't even think to come check on me for an hour, and you're mad at me?"

"Not everything's about you, Ashley."

"I don't even know what that means right now. Seriously. How am I making things all about me?"

"This isn't all about you?"

"You ditched me!"

"I went to breakfast."

I throw my arms up. "Okay fine. So what do I do now? Go to Lyons Hall, wherever the fuck that is, and sit by myself and have breakfast?"

"If that's what you want to do."

"Wendy, I came here to see you! I didn't spend five hours on a train to be by myself. Why do you think I came here?"

Her voice changes and now I have no idea what she's thinking. "Why did you come here?"

"To see you."

"Why?"

"Because you're my friend. Because I didn't like how things went the last time we saw each other. And..." I stop myself, not knowing if I should go further.

Her voice softens but she doesn't make a motion closer to me. "And what?"

I look her in the eye. I didn't want to tell her this under these circumstances but I just can't hold it in anymore.

"I like you Wendy. I really like you. I'm not confused about who I am and what I want. I'm open about myself now."

"What do you mean?"

I know she knows what I mean but I guess she wants to hear me say it. "I like girls, Wendy. I know it. I'm okay with it and I don't care who knows. You were right, it's not fair to you what I did last time. I'm here right now telling you I like you and I don't care who knows."

She stays silent for a long time.

"Is that really true?" She asks me without looking at me.

"Yes."

Now she lifts her head up, looking at me. "Then why does it say on Facebook that you're in a relationship with Matt?"

Fuck! I forgot about that stupid Facebook relationship status.

"I forgot to change that."

"You and Matt started dating?"

I nod.

"He didn't change his status. When did it end?"

"Yesterday."

She actually laughs at that. "So you discovered yesterday you're a lesbian?"

I shake my head.

"No? Then when?" She's demands, as if she's a police interrogator.

"I started seeing this girl I met at school but it didn't work out. But I realized a lot about myself. It ended with Matt because I told him the truth about how I was attracted more to girls than boys."

"Were you seeing this girl while you were seeing Matt?"

God, this is not going how I planned it.

"Well..." I begin, not knowing how to say it. "Kinda. It happened so fast and I didn't mean for it to turn out that way."

"So that had nothing to do with why you and Matt broke up?"

"Well yes, that had a lot to do with it."

"So now you want to cheat on this other girl with me? Is that it?"

"No, we're not together like that. It was just a thing."

"A thing?" Her tone is clear. "I don't believe you."

"About what?"

"That you're out. That you're okay with it. You know what I like best about this place, Ashley? I can finally be me and I don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit anymore. I've never felt so free in my life. Even my roommate's not the most accepting person in the world but she knows me for who I am. I don't have to hide it. And Talia, I don't have to hide anything with her."

"You don't have to hide anything with me either."

"Yes I do. If you're not okay with who you are, I will. With Talia, we can hang out in the open and be us."

"Are you two together?" I know I could tell something like this was going on last night but I guess I didn't fully accept it until just now.

"Yes, we are. She's my girlfriend. The first girlfriend I've ever had. And it's wonderful."

"But Wendy, I like you."

She folds her arms and looks down at her feet. "You're a good friend Ashley but I can't be that for you right now. I have a good thing with Talia and I don't want to ruin it."

I start to feel tears swell up and I dab my eyes with the back of my fingers.

"I'm sorry if you thought that's why I invited you up here." She says with finality.

I take a deep breath and compose myself. I'm not going to break down in front of her. I swallow the tears back.

"No. I thought a friend was inviting me up here. Clearly I was wrong about that. My friend wouldn't treat me like this."

She looks at me shocked.

"Was it Talia who told you to come to breakfast and leave me here?"

She's about to shake her head no but thinks better of it. She nods.

"Thought so."

I start to pack my things in my bag. Luckily I haven't had time to take that much out yet.

"What are yo doing?" Wendy asks me.

"It's clear you don't want me here. I don't know why you invited me. When you invite someone to spend the weekend with you, you don't leave them in a strange room without a key. You texted me? What if I had to use the bathroom? Even if I looked at my phone, how was I going to take a shower and get back in here? I get the hint."

"You don't have to leave." She says, though I can tell she's not pleading.

I put my coat on and grab my bag.

"You found a girlfriend? I'm happy for you. But I thought you were at least my friend."

At the door, I look to my right and see one of the red solo cups from last night sitting on the desk. I pick it up and hold it up to toast.

"To never forgetting who your real friends are."

I crush the cup in my hand and throw it in the wastebasket, then I walk out. As I make my way down the hall, part of me is wishing that she'll come running out of the room to stop me. To be honest, if she does I'll stay. My resolve isn't that strong. Unfortunately, she doesn't. I get to the elevator and I know it's lost.

When I'm outside the building, I make my way through this foreign campus to the light rail station so I can take one of the longest walks of shame I've ever done back home.

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I'm able to keep it together long enough to get back on the Amtrak train heading for New York. This whole trip was a disaster. A part of me has always held out hope that at some point, Wendy would come back to me. I think that's what's been keeping me going all this time. Now this is the first time that I truly feel like I've lost her. That's probably going to be the last time I ever see her. That's how these things work. That's how it always happened when I was Ben. People just drop you out of their life.

I'm no different than I used to be.

That's the scariest thought I've had in a long time. Here I am, this wonderful new person, and yet I'm still just disgusting old me. I start to cry sitting in my seat, watching Massachusetts zip past me through the window. Luckily the seat next to me is open again, so I don't have to deal with anyone. I turn my head so I'm facing the window, away from anyone who might be looking. I don't want to see that look of sympathy on someone's face.

In just two days I've lost Matt, Alana, and Wendy. I've lost everyone. This must be a new world record. I'd alert the presses but they've all gone out of business. The loneliness settles in again. That same loneliness I've felt my entire life.

Don't do it.

The thought begins to tickle the back of my brain and I fight it's urge to come to the forefront. I know I shouldn't do it, it's nothing but trouble. Just let it be.

Don't do it.

I just want to feel wanted by someone. What is it about me that always turns people away.

I did this to myself.

I know I did but that doesn't make it right. The thought inches a little closer to the front so I try to distract myself. Think about something else, don't let this thought take hold.

Don't do it.

Just once. I can do it just once, just to feel what it's like to be wanted again, and then no more. It can't hurt to do it just once.

I'm going to do it.

I take out my phone and pull up my contacts. There he is, just as I left him all that time ago. Charles. The older man I met at the fountain. I know I shouldn't message him, I'm only opening a can of worms I don't want to face, but I can't get the way he looked at me out of my head. That look of desire. I just want to see it one more time and that's it.

I start to type. "Hi! I don't know if you remember me. I'm Ashley, the girl you met at the Bethesda Fountain and took to lunch. I'm sorry I never called or texted you. Life has been a little crazy." I stop, not knowing what to say from here. "Just wanted to say hi. I hope you're well :)"

My finger hovers over "send".

Don't do it.

Knowing that feeling of desire is what's driving me but now I realize it's partly the danger of it as well. That same feeling of destructiveness I used to feel as Ben. I know I shouldn't but...

Send.

The message goes off into the abyss and I stare at the screen for a moment, as if he would send me an immediate reply. After a moment of no activity, I close my phone and look out the window again.

Massachusetts is a beautiful place. I wish I could've visited under different circumstances. If I really want to be destructive I should just proposition any guy on this train. What's the point of being a hot eighteen year old if I'm not going to utilize it? I'm hot, no one will say no to me. I should just sit next to any guy and start making a move on him, just to see how far he'll let me take it.

No I shouldn't.

I know. It's fun to think about but I would never do something that destructive.

My phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out and see a text from Charles.

"Well hello! I thought you'd given up on me. I certainly haven't given up on you."

Now this...this is something destructive I just might do.

Don't do it.

I start to type a response.

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