Life on Death Row

But for the first time, I wasn't thinking about me. I mean my son being here was a punishment for what I done. I understood that then. I recognized that I had sewed the wind and I was reaping the whirlwind. But when my boy told me about the life he couldn't even imagine...I realized that I wasn't the only one paying for what I done. I wasn't even the one paying the biggest price. I had given my son a nothing hand. He played it badly, but there wasn't no option to fold. All he could do was try his best with what I gave him. He got cleaned out.

Guilt. I ain't never felt guilt like that before in my life. For the first time ever, I really thought about that man. The one at the convenience store who got killed. I thought about my son standing there, while his friend shot the man. I pictured myself, standing next to Tyler, seeing the closed circuit video in my head and putting myself right there. I wondered what I would have said then, to get Tyler to leave. To get him to stop this terrible thing he was doing. But I knew that I hadn't been there. I hadn't really been there. And I hadn't been in Tyler's head that day either, telling him what to do. That's a mama's job, to give her son the tools to do right and wrong. I didn't do that.

I thought back to all the other times that I should've been there. All the times I should've been guiding my boy so that he couldn't ever end up in a place like this. I wanted so bad to go back in time then. Just like Tyler said he'd done. I wanted to yell at myself to do what was right. To give myself the things I needed to be the mama that Tyler deserved. But I couldn't do that now. It was too late. I'd shortchanged my boy his entire life. And now they were going to take it away. And it was all my fault. I was responsible for every evil that had happened that led to that moment.

If I hadn't promised, right that second I would've dropped down onto my knees on the floor of that prison cell and just cried. Not cried for myself, for the pain I felt. I'd cried enough of those tears in seven years. I was going to cry for the wrong I done, for the chaos I left in my wake. But I'd let Tyler down enough for one life time. My eyes prickled and the back of my throat itched, but I didn't cry. I got a hold of myself and I looked at my son again.

"This is all my fault Tyler," I said quietly, the words feeling like ice water down my back. He looked up, a little bit confused and shook his head.

"What're talking about mama? You told me to get another lawyer..."

"Not just that, Tyler," I said, "I mean everything," I waved my hands around the room, "I was a terrible mother to you..."

"No!"

"I ain't fishin' for you to try to make me feel better. I am telling the truth, you listen," I said in a firm voice. Tyler quietly obeyed. I breathed deeply, "I was a bad mother. I ain't never give you the things you should have. And I am sorry. I wish I could go back and give you those things now. Give you the time I didn't when you were a boy. Do the mother things that I should've done so you wouldn't be here," I said. Tyler didn't move.

"It's okay mama," he said wistfully and I realized that he was disappointed in me too, he just didn't want to say it. My heart broke again. Desperate, I tried to search for something, anything I could do to make it up to him.

"What do you need now? For this next month. I know I can't make up all the years to you. But I can be what you need me to be now, at the..." I almost said 'end' but couldn't get that word to come out. Tyler looked at me blank for minute and then shrugged.

"You're here mama," he said quietly, "You're always here. You've always done everything I've needed since I ended up here. You don't need to do anything else."

"There has to be something!" I said sort of flailing. What I was doing already wasn't good enough, "What is that you never got in your life because you're in here? Maybe I can figure out some way to make it happen," I said. I don't know what I was thinking of. A birthday party I never threw or something. I didn't have any plan. I just wanted to do something to drown out just a little bit of the guilt.

"Like what?" he asked confused.

"Anything," I said.

Tyler looked at me again and shrugged. He looked a little uncomfortable, like he was afraid I was going to cry. After a moment, he furrowed his brow for just a second. Then a little half smile crossed his lips for a second and he shook his head. He remained silent. But I could tell he'd been thinking of something. I grasped at it.

"What?" I asked sharply. Tyler's eyes focused. He looked at me and that half-smile happened again and he shook his head.

"Nothing," he responded.

"It was something Tyler, you tell me what it was," I said.

"Well..." he said and I realized I was onto something, "Nothing you can help with mama." He said. So there was something! I wasn't going to let it go that easy. If there was something I could do...I was going to make it happen.

"You don't know that. I am your mother. I will do anything for you. You say the word and I will make it happen," I said, meaning that for the first time in my whole life. Tyler let out a long string of air with his nose.

"I don't want to talk about this with you mama," he responded.

"You got some place to be?" I asked. I wasn't going to let him off the hook. Tyler was quiet for a long time. His eyes cast down again, no longer looking at me. I wondered if he was just going to sit in silence until I gave up. I had opened my mouth to try to push him along, when he started talking again. It was barely above a whisper.

"I went into jail when I was 18 years old. Haven't been out since. By the time I was arrested...I ain't never been with a woman. Got close a couple times, but it ain't never happened. Can't happen now. They are going to kill me and I will die a virgin. That's something I always wanted to do, something I could kind of understand, but I haven't been able to do it since I was in here. And, like I said, you can't help with that. And, honestly, I don't really like talking to you about it. So let's just talk about something else."

Tyler's cheeks grew red as he talked about the subject of sex. I guess I was a bit surprised by the whole thing. I don't know if I just always assumed he had had sex at least once in the past or something. More likely than not, I just didn't think about my son in that way. Which, with getting knocked up young myself, just showed again how terrible I'd been as a mother. But the more I thought about it, the less surprised I felt, and the more sympathy I felt for Tyler. I always knew that there was stuff he missed out on because he was in jail. But sex...I mean how could any red-blooded boy live without that? How had he missed out on something so important? And the guilt came back on me, thicker than before. Because this, just like everything else, was my fault. I sat stewing in it for a long time, my eyes resting on my son.

Saying what happened next was a plan would be giving me too much credit. I didn't think about what I was doing. Hell, I didn't even realize I was moving until I was already standing up next to the table. It was like something had grabbed ahold of me and it was pushing me forward, making me do what was next. I don't know...all I know is that each movement I made seemed to loosen up the guilt that I was feeling. I wasn't completely in control of myself then. But I am responsible for what happened, and I accept that.

I was wearing what my mama would call "church clothes" as I always did when I went to the prison. It was a somewhat billowy white blouse, buttoned all the way to my throat and a tucked into a long, gray skirt. As I stood, my hands reached up to the buttons on my blouse and began to slowly fiddle with them. At first, Tyler didn't even seem to notice. But as I unhooked the button directly between my breasts, he turned to me. His eyes grew wide and his brow furrowed.

"Mama?" he asked, "What the hell are you doing?" He sounded shocked, and continued to look at my fingers. I didn't stop moving. I began working my blouse out of my skirt as I continued to unhook buttons.

"Don't worry Tyler," my voice came out sounding calm, soothing. I was a bit surprised, because I realized my heart was thrumming like a violin string. "I can do this for you." It was only then that I really recognized what I was doing. I was taking my clothes off. I was going to give my son what he'd just asked for. The realization should've made me sick. Should've made me stop. It was wrong to do that.

But I didn't feel that way at all. In fact, I felt good when I realized what I was doing. I felt the guilt loosen up on me a little bit. There was something that Tyler needed. Something that he wanted. And, for the first time in years, I was in a spot where I could do something for him about it. I couldn't make up for all the wrong I done Tyler. But I could do this one thing for him. And I wouldn't feel ashamed of that. All things considered...it was right.

Now, I am the first to admit that the situation wasn't ideal. He should've had a pretty young girl his own age to be with the first time. It should've happened on his senior prom night, or something like that. But I couldn't get another girl in here. And I wouldn't have a chance to do this again. And, you know, I knew I wasn't so bad. Like I said, I was young when I had Tyler. I wasn't an old woman yet by a long stretch. And people always told me I looked younger than I was. Men said I looked good. I was a short woman, 5'2 or so. Petite would be the word to describe me. I didn't weigh much. My breasts were small and stayed up high on my chest, helping to me look young. I had a flat belly, even though I didn't exercise or nothing. A round bottom, not particularly thick but not bony neither. Thin, but not spindly, arms and legs. My face was still pretty too. I had big blue eyes, a small nose, and thick lips around a wide mouth (boyfriend once said my lips would reach my ears if I ever smiled big enough. Never did). My ears were big like Tyler's, but they were mostly covered by the long, dirty blonde hair that hung halfway down my back in very loose waves. Tyler's friend's used to tease him because his mama was 'hot' back when he was a kid. I couldn't give Tyler the woman he deserved, but what I was offering any other man in the prison would surely take.

I got my blouse all the way unbuttoned and pulled out from my skirt. It flapped open slightly, exposing my pink bra. The room air in the prison room felt cold against my skin. Tyler rose quickly now and took a half step towards me. His eyes were wide and nervous, he glanced over at the door twice as he moved.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, mama!" he hissed, "have you lost your damned mind?" I didn't pay him much attention. I looked to the side of my skirt, quickly found the zipper, and slowly started to pull it down.

"You be quiet, Tyler Jessup," I whispered back. He stopped moving, "You said there was one thing you wanted in this world and I intended to give it to you." Tyler's mouth dropped open and he flopped back down into his chair. Soon the skirt was loose and I my skirt landed on the floor around my ankles.

"I didn't ask you to do this...I was just saying..." Tyler sputtered.

"I know this isn't just what you asked for, but this is as close as I can get Tyler. It's gotta be better than nothing," I explained. I reached up and started to slip the sleeves of my blouse over my right shoulder.

"Someone could come in!" Tyler said, looking at the door again.

"Keep your eyes off that door," I said sharply, "It's been closed all this time and no one bothered us. We have a long time 'til visiting time is over." I didn't even really know if I was right. I guess at any moment, a guard could come bursting in through the door, see me in my underwear, and raise holy Hell. But what more could they do to us? He was already going to be executed. I was already going to lose my boy. What did I care about being humiliated? A woman like me ain't got no use for pride.

"Mama," he said, "We can't do this. Isn't this...wrong?" As I felt the cool prison air against my bare shoulder , goosebumps raised. For the first time, I realized that I was growing nervous. Tyler's resistance made me realize what it was I was doing. But this wasn't about me. This was about what Tyler needed. I slipped my shirt completely off my shoulder and it fell onto the floor. Now I was wearing nothing but my bra, panties, and flats (which I kicked right off).

"It'd be wrong for you to go through your entire life and never know what it was to be with a woman. And that's the truth," I said, feeling how right I was in my bones. I saw Tyler's eyes flash for a moment, but he seemed to shake it off.

"But..." he started and I raised my hand, silencing him. With my free hand, I reached around my back, slipping my fingers under the clasp of my bra and working the hooks out of the eyes.

"Tyler, you said what you wanted. What you needed. And I can't fault you for it. You deserve what you want. I've never been able to give you what you deserved before. But here I am now. I can finally...I can finally do something for you that no one else can. I can be a good mother. Why don't you just watch and listen to your mama? If it ever isn't what you want, you just say the word and it will stop. This is about you. Do you understand?" I asked. I saw that Tyler's eyes were glued to the front of my bra. He hadn't been this close to any woman in a long time. My body looked good, it ain't vain to say it when its true. I think that, no matter what words he said to himself, his body didn't want him to miss the chance. I decided to push him just that last little bit over the edge.

I let the clasp of my bra go and I pushed my arms forward. My bra slid down my arms and I let it tumble to the floor. Now my tits were exposed in the small, prison meeting room. I saw Tyler's eyes grow wider, his hands were trembling, and his Adam's apple rose and fell sharply. He looked up at my eyes, shook his head like he couldn't believe what he was seeing, and nodded.

"Okay, mama," he said softly. I smiled and then looked down at my titties. Like I said, they were small, but they were soft and round and I had long, pinkish nipples with small areolas. I saw Tyler's eyes drawn to them.

"You've touched breasts before, haven't you?" I asked, looking up at him, my hair sort of splashing across my eyes.

"Yes ma'am," he said softly, "But not very much. And not in a long time." I nodded, even though I ached over his forced innocence.

"Why don't you come over here and play with mama?" I said finally, my heart whirring as the words came out of my mouth. I was nervous and excited and confused and...overwhelmed as Tyler got up from his chair quickly. I could see the same feelings playing across his face. But he kept moving towards me. I tried real hard to control my trembling as Tyler came near me. He was taller than me and he kind of towered over me. He was looking down, nervous, his body trembling more than mine. His hand lifted from his side, briefly, then shakingly returned to his side. He shrugged again, his wide eyes staring at me nervously.

"Mama, I done a lot wrong in my life and I know it when I see it. This is real wrong, isn't it?" he asked. I didn't think about the answer to his question, because I didn't want to know what it was.

"This is my responsibility Tyler. Whatever sin is in it goes on my head. You ain't got to answer for it." And I quickly moved my hand across the distance between us, my hand clasping around my son's wrist. His skin felt cold, but I ignored that. I pulled his hand towards me. He didn't resist, he just obeyed his mama. I pushed Tyler's hand towards my breast and gasped out loud when his cold hand pressed against my hard nipple, "All you have to do is ask if this feels like it is wrong," I said. Tyler let out a sort of strangled sound in the back of his throat and his eyes shot down from my eyes, down to his hand on my tit. We could both see the white flesh squeezing between his hard fingers.

"How does Mama's titty feel, honey?" I asked, my voice just above a whisper. Tyler's hand felt firm and hard against my skin, like it was made of marble. My nipple pressed against his palm, giving me a strange feeling at the base of my spine.

"You're beautiful mama," Tyler said after a very long pause. I smiled in spite of myself. It was always a nice thing to hear, didn't matter that my son said it or that he hadn't seen a woman's body in years.

"This body gave you life," I said, sounding again like someone else was talking, "And now I give it to you."

"This is so weird," Tyler said, looking at my breast as his fingers started to squeeze me tighter. I groaned at the pressure.

"Don't think of it like I am your mama, think of it like I'm just...yours," I said. Tyler nodded and then slowly, his other hand rose from his side. It was still trembling, but it was moving quick. I gasped again as Tyler's hand covered my second breast. He squeezed tightly on it, I felt my nipple mash against his skin. I winced.

"Not so rough, Tyler," I said softly. Instantly, Tyler's hand moved an inch back from my breasts.

"Sorry, mama," he said nervously. I realized what I'd just said and I shook my head. I had to be true to what I'd promised.

"No, I am sorry honey," I said, "If you want to be rough with them, you go ahead and be rough. They are your titties to play with," I said. As I spoke, I grabbed Tyler's wrists and pulled him back in towards my breasts again. His fingers sank back into me, but he didn't squeeze as tightly this time.

"I don't want to be rough, I just want to...feel what they feel like," Tyler explained. And that, for a long while, was what he did. Tyler's hands moved around on my skin. His fingers clenched around my breasts, and then moved around my nipples, playing pulling on them. The whole time he was bent forward, looking at me closely. He was barely breathing and his eyes looked like they was on fire. I wasn't safe from the feelings I got from Tyler's touch. My breasts were, and always had been, small. No man had ever given that much attention to them before. And while Tyler didn't really know what he was doing with them, he was passionate. My knees felt weak and I heard myself gasping a little.

But I didn't let myself focus too much on that. I knew that even if Tyler was having fun now, he was still a little cowed by touching his mama. If I wanted to give my boy what he needed, I had to take charge. Tyler's didn't even seem to notice when I reached up under his hands and found the zipper to his orange jump suit. While Tyler played with my tits, I quickly pulled the zipper all the way down to just below his bellybutton. I could see the white undershirt beneath.

"Did you just want to play with my titties boy?" asked after a long time, "Or was there something more you want?" Tyler's shook his head like he was coming out of a trance. He looked up at me and shrugged.

"I don't know mama," he said, and I could tell that he wanted more, but was too hung up to ask his mama for it. I bit my lower lip and tilted my head to the side.

"Anything you want," I said simply. Tyler's face got red and his hands squeezed more tightly on my breasts.

"I don't know..." he said nervously. I reached my hand up to his wrist, trying to calm him. I wasn't trying give him stress. I wasn't going to force him to say something he didn't feel alright saying. I thought about what men normally wanted from me and decided that I would try to help Tyler make up his mind.

"You ever have someone suck your dick?" I asked. Tyler's eyes widened and his blushing grew deeper.

"No, mama," he said.

"You ever want someone to suck your dick," I asked. Tyler closed his eyes and I saw his Adam's apple bob violently. He didn't speak, but after a long pause, he nodded his head. I figured that that was enough of a permission for me. I reached up to my son's shoulder's and slipped the sleeves of the jumpsuit back, letting them fall down his arms. I dropped down quickly onto my knees on the floor, right in front of my son. His hands slipped off my breasts and he didn't move. His eyes followed me down. I reached up to Tyler's waist and grabbed hold of the orange jumpsuit. I gave it a quick tug and it dropped down to my son's feet. I looked forward and saw he was wearing a pair of white boxer shorts. The fabric was thin and Tyler was...a little bit excited. I could see the outline of my son's... penis through the boxer's. My mouth went dry and my breath caught in my throat.