All Comments on 'Lonely Girl'

I see you have quite a published library, but I must admit I don't believe I've read any of your work before.

I enjoyed this story for what it was - 4*. I was a bit confused that the MC picked up what was going on, like Vampires are common, but the fact that the vamps have to change their identity frequently makes me think they aren't. This just needs further explanation. From the instant they started reading his mind, the MC never really seemed to question it. He found it odd/strange, but... that's it. He just took mind reading in stride.

That's my only complaint. It just broke the immersion, and left me confused about the world they lived in.

When the younger vampire flashed her fangs at him while smiling, the guy clued in. Vampire fangs are very hard to mistake for anything except what they are.

And... well, it's possible that the vampires used mind control on him to make him think he wasn't under mind control :)

I enjoyed your story. I understand your intention to make the sex talk a little stilted due to the foreign origin of the vampiresses, but you might want to make a little more dirty talk. People don't normally say, "Put your penis in my vagina". It's OK to write, "I know you want to fuck my daughter". Otherwise the two vampires sound a little too much like they are from Remulack (like the Coneheads from Saturday Night Live). On the one hand you use the word "horndogs", then you say "perform sexual acts". Those two don't go together. Either make it stilted or not and be consistent. But I say make the sex talk more casual. I liked the story line in any case.