All Comments on 'Long Road Ch. 02'

Is it just a fuckfest and some random words or is there some point here? Can't tell. Can't score. I'll wait for the next.

There seems very little cohesion in the story or the writing with some sentences barely formed. Needs to improve dramatically but I will continue reading with some hope and score once the story is completed.

... he marries Harper. Harper breaks his heart like Ann once did. Heartache ensues...

Actually it's not long in terms of words. Just seems that way.

What I think: I thunk this can be a good story...For now we are meeting the characters...Never forgetting that the main one is very young and with a lot to learn...I liked both parts, but the story is in the very beginning of it...3* for now...

As I wrote in the feedback for your first installment, it sort of ended lamely and rather inconclusive. This second chapter is much better and clears up many questions.

Overall I think you are doing well and developing a good story line and an interesting character.

Thanks for sharing and please keep writing.

so that we dont lose the gist of the story.

The part about his time in the Army is unrealistic. First off it's not that easy to hook up with women. Secondly Drill Sergeants are in Basic Training, NOT MOS training.

Isn't that what dating is for, to weed out the people we should not marry? His ex-girlfriend did him, and probably herself, a favor. Saved them both a lot of future pain. Even it she was the right girl, it obviously was not the right time. If they can both be mature enough to let go of their broken relationship, and maybe revisit the possibilities at a later date, then its fine to reunite, scarred by the experience, but wiser for it. I don't get all the drama and sense of loss. Its like finding a really really cute dog at the pound you want to adopt, but when you reach out to pet her she bites you. Better that happens before you get her home, and find out too late what a hateful bitch she really is.

There, don't you feel better now?

Still, unnecessary to make this chapter so short. I thought the character was very naive and lacking life experience.

I realize that it is the writer, aka_mike. He is lacking in age, worldly knowledge, and writing skills.

Aka_mike, get some college writing courses under your belt. Then write about what you know and experience . Not the make believe world of Hollywood army and gangster movies.

Gave this 2*s. Pull this story down and 're-write it in a couple of years and then post it. The result will be much more rewarding than this mess.

Good luck mike.

AMerryman

....stories, where after discovering the love of his life cheated on him in retaliation for incomplete information and no confrontation. Yup, lahoo-zeHer! But I think it has gone left, since he's nearly immediately fucked not one, but two hotties, the second one going after him. Dude, that never happens! And when it does, serious shit follows.

Anyway, for an ESL guy, you're doing great! In the greater scheme of things, any help you can get with editing to weed out the odd turns of phrase and the most-stated idioms would put the final touch on the whole.

Thank you!

When writing in a second language, get a native speaker to help, not so much with grammar (though that's always a good thing!) but with idioms and such!

I really enjoyed "Family" and have been trying to decide whether or not to get into your other stories, and I have to admit the comments aren't very encouraging!

Why was this short installment separate and not part of the first installment?

Other than a conversation with his DI and getting his dick wet a couple of times, this installment was somewhat meaningless.

I read the 1st chapter, like the author suggested, so that I would know what was going on. Now I've read the 2nd chapter and I still don't have a freakin' clue as to what is going on. I'll give chapter 3 a try, but if I don't start making some sense of it all, I don't know how much more of this good stuff I can handle.

A combat jump is 300 feet above ground actual; a practice combat jump is 1300 to 1400 feet so the spare chute can be deployed safely. (there are no reserve chute on a combat jump; by the time you figure it out they're pouring your guts out of your boots). A 10,000 foot HALO (High Altitude, Low Opening) jump (30,000 feet is better if not 50,000 with suitable equipment) is for Special Forces. (Seals, Rangers, etc)

No female trainees in officer basic, jump school, or Ranger School. This guy had a good time in medic training.

On the professionalism of the men and women training to be Army Medics in San Antonio. They all do rotations at University Hospital dealing with civilian patients directly. They take vitals and pretty much do anything to assist the patients, nurses and techs. I've dealt with many over the last decade as a patient after several major surgeries and other issues and everyone of them has been nothing but excellent in carrying out their duties. If they are any indication of people serving in our present military I rest assured we and anyone they have to care for are in the very best of hands. Signed: BTW

the DSthat is, while your off fighting for the country and she spreading her legs for every Tom, Dick and Harry and some how divorce/family court sees it as the service members fault. I would love to see them defend anything other than the stupid ass decisions they make.