Looking at the Sun

"How was the party?" Sienna's mother asked later that night. Sienna had settled into her bed, surrounded by her laptop and a pile of books she'd put aside to read over break.

"Mrs. Reilly was totally surprised when Mr. Abraham did the big reveal. She burst into tears. It was really sweet."

"Good turn out?"

"Massive. I guess being a kindergarten teacher for forty plus years gets you a lot of fans!"

"Beth Reilly is a cut above the rest. She just always respected the kids and never talked at them. You loved being in that class with her."

"You know who didn't show up? Amanda Whitaker. I was just talking with Hannah about how mean she was to Sasha and me and wondering if she'd come. She didn't."

Sienna's mother sat down on the edge of the bed, "That's probably for the best. So! What are your plans for the rest of break?"

"Stay here through New Year's, and then back to school for the training trip with the swim team."

"Oh good! We get you for almost two weeks! Are you meeting up with anyone while you are here?"

"I bumped into Erik at the retirement party and he told me about a Christmas thing he and Jon Grasser are organizing at The Pool Hall on Monday night."

"Sounds like fun; are you going to go?"

"I don't know - it's one of those crazy themed parties that takes too much time to think about."

"What's the theme?"

"'The Princess Bride,' there're prizes for best costume, trivia knowledge, blah, blah."

"You love that movie! You should go!"

"Maybe. It's the night before a swim practice I signed up for... I promised coach I'd get in at least 15,000 yards over break. What else is going on?"

"Holiday Pops with the Jameses on the 23rd, and then dinner with them and Erik and Sasha on Christmas Eve -- first time all seven of us will be together in years. I think it'd be fun."

Sienna nodded, "Okay. I have practices at the Y on the 24th, 27th, and 30th. Med School frenzy is about to start and I kind of feel like staying home and doing a whole lot of nothing."

"A whole lot of nothing sounds good!" Sienna's mom smiled. A low crunching sound caught both women's ears and they looked out the window, "Ah, looks like Sasha's staying with her parents tonight. Did you see her at the party?"

Sienna watched as Sasha's pick-up rolled to a stop in the gravel driveway of the house opposite, "Yeah, for about five seconds. Then the Russian princess needed air and they left. Sasha didn't even stay for the surprise."

"Still not a fan, huh?"

"Never will be. Sasha deserves better."

"You have someone in mind?" Sienna's mom looked carefully at her.

Sienna grimaced and shook her head, "Nope. But I know it's not Anastasia."

Barbara Logan shifted slightly, "What about you?"

Sienna shook her head again, "Me? Nothing going on with me. But I banished the ghost of that stupid crush on Alex Mak."

"Oh?"

Sienna leaned into her mom's shoulder and sighed, "Yeah. Very sad state of affairs. You okay with me growing into a crazy old spinster who shouts at the rain in her bathrobe?"

"Nonsense," Barbara soothed, holding her daughter close, "and I know you know that. Just don't overthink it. Sometimes, you think too much, honey. It'll happen. You just have to let it."

Across the street, Sasha made a bee line for the kitchen, opened the fridge and took inventory of its contents.

"Erik said you left early from Mrs. Reilly's party." Maria James leaned into the counter as she watched her daughter stand in front of the refrigerator.

Sasha shrugged but didn't look back, "Big brother needs to stop being such a tattle-tale."

"I asked him, he told me," Sasha's mom sat down at the kitchen table, "And why are you in my kitchen?"

"The usual reason... extreme hunger," Sasha pulled some bread and cold cuts from the fridge.

"While I am thrilled to have you here raiding my kitchen, I thought you would be staying in Boston tonight -- why drive all the way back?"

Sasha sat down at the table and haphazardly assembled her sandwich, "Couldn't find parking."

"Very funny. No, really Sasha, what's up?"

Sasha bit into the sandwich and mumbled, "Anastasia and I had a fight. She left. Kind of didn't want to be alone in my apartment tonight."

"Oh honey, I'm sorry. You guys have been fighting a lot lately, it seems."

Sasha grunted, "Won't be for much longer. She asked me to move my stuff out of her place after Christmas."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Sasha played around with her sandwich, "Not really."

"Fair enough," Maria knew her daughter well enough to not push, and sensed that a glimmer of candor would eventually break through. She moved around the kitchen and tidied up unobtrusively as she waited for Sasha to get her thoughts together.

"I totally messed things up," Sasha finally said.

"How did you mess things up?"

"Anastasia didn't like Sienna. I tried to convince her otherwise but it didn't work. So I spent less time with Sienna. But it still wasn't enough. Now, there's about to be no Anastasia... and no friendship with Sienna. I tried to find some way to manage the conflict, but I think I ended up I losing both."

"Which one do you regret more?"

Sasha knew the answer immediately, but once again, her mouth wouldn't work.

"Sasha, don't you think that the right person wouldn't be threatened by your friendship with Sienna?

Sasha shrugged, "I miss her."

"Anastasia?"

Sasha shook her head. Maria looked out the kitchen window, "Looks like Sienna's still up. Go talk to her."

"Maybe she can come over for dinner tomorrow? Oh, mom, can you not tell anyone about the break up? I'd prefer not to tell people until after she's kicked me out officially."

Maria nodded, "Sure honey, if that's what you want."

Sasha nodded, "Yeah. Not the best Christmas news, you know? Um.. so can Wolverine come over for dinner tomorrow?"

"Why do you call her Wolverine? She has a beautiful name."

"Mom, we've explained this a million times. Her last name is Logan. Our last name is James. James Logan is the alter-ego of a superhero called Wolverine. She also has a big crush on the actor who plays him. She calls me Wolverine, I call her Wolverine."

Maria scoffed, "You are both in college. Enough with the cartoons. Call each other by your real names."

"I know she's not a cartoon, mother."

"Then act like it," Maria pulled off Sasha's hat, unleashing her daughter's mass of dark brown hair, "and stop wearing these hats. You have a wonderful head of hair."

Sasha jammed the hat back on her head, "They keep the hair out of my eyes; I like them. So Ma, can Wolv- I mean Sienna come over?"

"Sure! If you want her over for dinner every night over break, go ahead. I'd be thrilled to see her. You guys can bay at the moon together." Maria was happy to see a smile creep across Sasha's face. She gave her daughter a kiss goodnight, grabbed her glass of water and headed upstairs, "I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night mom. I might run over to Sienna's for a bit tonight."

"Ok, but don't overstay your welcome," Maria shouted from the landing upstairs. She smiled to herself as she heard the front door open and shut.

Sasha strode quickly across to the Logan's house. She scrambled up the trellis below Sienna's room like she had done again and again as they were growing up together. As she reached the top, she could see Sienna sitting on her bed, watching something on her laptop. She rapped lightly at the window. Sienna looked up, narrowed her eyes and mouthed, "What?"

"It's fucking freezing out here. Let me in!"

Sienna rolled her eyes, and reached up to undo the latch. "You're a lunatic."

"Didn't want to wake your parents." Sasha crawled through and brushed off her jeans.

"SIENNA!"

Sasha and Sienna froze. Sienna's door swung open and George Logan burst in, panic on his face.

"Hi George," Sasha bleated out.

"You opened the window?"

They both nodded, "Dad, are you ok?"

"I am now," George exhaled a long breath, pressed a couple keys on his phone and waved it in front of the two women, "We just installed silent alarms on all the windows. The alarm company sent me a message to report a breach..." he smiled at Sasha, "Thought you guys were done with windows as a form of entry."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. I'll go recover from my heart attack now. Sasha - stay as late as you'd like, but go out the front door, ok, sport?"

Sasha nodded.

The moment the door shut, Sienna settled back into bed, "To what do I owe this visit? Given that you almost killed my dad, it had better be good. And don't say you need more shoulder therapy."

Sasha rotated her arm, "Nope. All good - thanks again, by the way. I probably need to go get an x-ray, haven't had that happen in a while. I just wanted to come over and catch up. We didn't get to earlier."

"We didn't catch up earlier because Anastasia made you leave the party early." Sienna raised an eyebrow.

Sasha took in a breath and sat down at the end of the bed, "Doesn't mean we can't catch up now."

"Sasha, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but are you out of your fricking mind?" Sienna crossed her arms, "Anastasia doesn't like you spending time with me. You know she'd be pissed if she knew we were hanging out together."

"Why do you care? Let me worry about that."

"Because you can't have it both ways, Sasha. I thought we had this really solid friendship, and then you keep dating women who want nothing to do with me, and you are ok with them pressuring you to ice me out. So I stayed away, and now, the moment Anastasia is not around, you come waltzing over like everything is normal. You can't have it both ways," Sienna repeated.

"I know. And I've decided to prioritize our friendship."

Sienna's heart soared at those words, but her instincts pushed her towards skepticism, "I don't think you can call what we have a friendship, Sasha. This is the first time we've spoken more than two sentences to each other in three years."

"I never meant for that to happen," Sasha said, as the weight of guilt pressed down on her ability to say anything more.

"Well, it did."

"That makes me sad," Sasha tilted her head down, the brim of her hat partially hiding her face from view.

"Me too," Sienna said quietly. The two were silent for a moment.

Sienna hated seeing Sasha look so upset, and gave Sasha a soft nudge with her foot, "Careful Wolfy, if you think any harder, one of your two brain cells might just spontaneously combust..."

That earned Sienna a small smile. "What are you watching?" Sasha pointed at the laptop.

"'Princess Bride'."

"Are you doing homework for Grasser's party?" Sasha smirked, "You are such a nerd."

Sienna flipped her the finger.

"How far in are you?"

"Cliffs of Insanity."

"Scooch over." Sasha kicked off her shoes and crawled up beside Sienna.

"Seriously?" Sienna rolled her eyes and made some room as Sasha slid under the covers.

"You're about to get to the sword fight. That's the best part!"

Sienna fought against relishing the familiar comfort of hanging out with Sasha. They'd watched movies like this throughout high school, but it felt different now, with the specter of the jealous girlfriend looming over them. "Keep your hands to yourself, Wolverine. I don't need Anastasia sending Russian agents to kill me next time I see her."

"Let me deal with Anastasia, okay?"

"Fine, but seriously, stay on your side of the bed. I need to have plausible deniability," Sienna hit 'play' and settled back into her pillows as the movie started up again.

"Erik's going as Inigo. He's got the wig and sword and everything."

"Are you going?" Sienna gave Sasha a quick glance.

Sasha wrinkled her nose, "Maybe. The potential cost-benefit imbalance is hard to ignore though. I really don't want to spare any effort for the endeavor."

"That's what I told mom. Not going unless I can figure out a costume that takes zero effort."

Sasha nodded in agreement. Both women found comfort in using the movie as an excuse not to talk.

[Westley] 'Inhale this, but do not touch...'

"GOT IT!" yelled Sienna. She watched the scene intently for the next few moments, and then slammed the laptop shut.

Sasha smiled with amusement, "Homework all done?"

Sienna grinned and nodded.

"You are going to go as the Man in Black?"

"Nope. Too obvious. Move over," Sienna slid her laptop onto the window sill next to the bed, climbed over Sasha and walked over to her closet, "avert your eyes Sasha, I'm changing out of my jeans."

"I have seen your bare ass before. Why so shy?"

"Because I now have a huge tattoo of multiple X-Men on my butt and I don't like people seeing."

Sasha sat up, "Really?"

"Yes, I got one of London Bridge too, dumbass."

"Tease."

"Perv."

"Dude, I SWEAR I'm not looking. So who are you going as?"

Sienna grabbed a pair of PJs and quickly changed into them. She looked over at Sasha, who, true to her word, had her hands over her eyes. "Here's a clue: it's not 'who,' but 'what.'"

"You're going as a cliff of insanity."

Sienna giggled but shook her head, "Feeble. Guess again."

"Vizzini's cod piece."

Sienna laughed. "That's gross. Nope. I'm wearing this," Sienna held up a pair of khaki pants, "And this," up came a light brown jacket. "And I'll need to borrow a khaki baseball hat of yours."

"You are going as... sand?" Sasha was genuinely puzzled.

Sienna grinned with glee, "I'm going to go as the container of iocane powder."

Sasha raised both of her arms, "Wow. Yep. That's genius, Logan. I love it. You're brilliant."

Sienna jumped back on the bed, "Thank you kindly. Now piss off back to your place."

"It's only ten o'clock! Why not finish the movie?"

"Because Anastasia would blow a gasket."

Sasha frowned, "Can you stop harping on what Anastasia would think? Stop obsessing about her for a second. Do you want to watch the rest of the movie with me or not? Simple question."

"I'm not obsessed about her, Sasha. I just don't like thinking about you having to grovel and scrape when the inevitable blow up happens."

"Good to know you have such a high opinion of me... I am able to stand up for myself, you know."

Sienna shook her head, frustration rising to the surface, "I do have a high opinion of you. Which is why it sucks that you can only show up when your girlfriend is not around. Do you know how fucked up it is that you can't be yourself when Anastasia is in the same room as you? Do you even know that you aren't being yourself? It kills me to see you get totally extinguished by the conflagration that is your girlfriend. She sucks all the air out of the room. And you just run after her, meeting her every need, catering to her every whim. Why do you put up with it?"

"Why don't you tell me how you really feel?" Sasha shot back, "I put up with it because... because relationships are hard work! And who are you to talk? You haven't dated anyone since Jordan what's-his-butt Senior year. Oh, maybe that blond dude from Labor Day weekend."

Sienna allowed herself a sarcastic chuckle, "I'm not dating Pete. You don't talk to me for three years and you assume I've been dateless since Jordan Lee. And by the way, relationships are hard work, but they shouldn't be about one person dancing on a string that's being pulled this way and that by the other person."

"Hey!" Sasha shouted, "I know what I'm doing, ok? Enough with the relationship 101. And by the way, you stopped talking to me, not the other way around."

"Sasha, Anastasia doesn't make you happy. Maybe you can't see it because she has got that glamor-azzi thing going on! Relationships are about reciprocation. Does she reciprocate?"

Sasha turned a deep, deep red, "Uh... no... wait, what?"

Sienna's eyes twinkled, "I wasn't talking about sex you idiot..."

"Whatever." Sasha pulled the beak of her baseball hat lower.

"Seriously. What I meant was: someone who doesn't give you any room in a relationship can't possibly make you happy."

"I'm tired of talking about Anastasia. She's not here right now. And you don't know a whole ton about what goes on between Anastasia and me, either. Enough with the judgy-ness." Sasha looked into Sienna's eyes earnestly for a moment. The two sets of blue eyes found each other, for the first time in a long while.

"I wasn't judging you," Sienna whispered. Sasha's eyes flickered for a second when she noticed Sienna's eyes start to tear.

"Oh, man, Sienna, I--" Sasha began.

Sienna knew what Sasha had seen, and quickly collected herself. She felt stupid for fighting with Sasha. The topic was nothing new. "This is why I stopped talking to you," she breathed out slowly, and looked back at her friend. "Arguing about your girlfriend. It never changes anything. It's your life Sasha, I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. I'm sorry you thought I was judging you."

"Hey - Sienna..." Sasha began.

"What?" Sienna snapped, slightly more sharply than she intended.

"Do you trust me?"

Sienna shrugged, "Of course."

"I don't want to fight any more about Anastasia either, okay? Labor Day was awful and I'm sorry about it. I was so happy to finally see everyone, and it just didn't turn out the way I thought it would. A lot of it was my fault. But I don't want to get into that right now. I do want to say that I want us to be friends again. Like we used to be. Clean slate."

"Okay," Sienna frowned and changed tack, "You know, all this time, I've been expecting your phone to ring, with Anastasia telling you about some emergency thing that only you can solve, and only you can solve in person."

"Anastasia is in California. And I shut my ringer off before I came over." Sasha let that sink in for a moment, "I just wanted to spend tonight with you."

Sienna didn't really know what to say, so she did the thing she always did, and made a joke of it, "Are you propositioning me? Because that could get you arrested in 12 states, you know."

Sasha blushed, images of Sienna in states of orgasmic bliss flashing dangerously in her head. "Who's the perv now?" She gave Sienna a playful shove.

Sienna reached for her laptop. "Ok. Ok. Truce. Let's finish the movie."

"Which is what I suggested half an hour ago, by the way."

"Must you get the last word every single time? Living with you must be a nightmare."

"Don't knock it till you try it," Sasha said breezily.

"Never gonna happen. You can't cook. It's one of my non-negotiable criteria for a life mate: 'Must know how to cook.'" Sienna stared at the monitor as the computer came back to life. She looked at Sasha, who had an unreadable expression on her face, "Ready, Wolfy?"

Sasha nodded and Sienna hit play. The movie started up again. Sasha's eyes were on the monitor, but she kept obsessing about Sienna's comment about cooking.

[Westley]...I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely...

"Does this mean you've been dating college guys who are whizzes in the kitchen?"

"I've met a lot of guys who know more about making omelettes than you do." Sienna replied casually, feeling slightly guilty about her lie of omission. She didn't have the energy to talk about Sydney or Alex.

"I know how to make an omelette," Sasha knew she should let it go, but she couldn't.

"I'm very happy for you, now shut up and watch the movie." Sienna conceded the point only because she wanted to move off the topic as soon as possible.

Sasha leaned back into the bed so she was slightly behind Sienna. She watched her friend watching the movie. Sienna's sandy blonde hair was tucked behind her ears, and fell in soft waves around her shoulders. There was a shorter strand that fell over Sienna's brow, which was now knitted with concern as she watched Westley surrender to Count Rogen. Sasha longed to sweep her thumb along those brows, so she stuffed her hands into her pockets instead. A familiar wave of conflicted emotions made itself known: sadness in knowing her feelings for Sienna would never be reciprocated, joy in being alone with Sienna for the first time in god knows how long, wonder at her beauty, delight in her wit and smarts, pain with not being able to touch her the way she wanted to. Perversely, dating crazy possessive girlfriends had been helpful in keeping those feelings at bay. Anastasia was right in a way, it was obvious what was going to happen next. Sasha scrunched her eyes shut, remembering how Sienna had caught her staring -- twice -- earlier in the day. Oh, this next part is going to suck. It wasn't fun walking around in high school secretly pining for Sienna... and it ain't going to be fun now.