Looking at the Sun

Sasha took a deep breath and slumped into the seat, "I wish she'd told me. Then I'd..."

"You'd what?" Erik leaned forward when Sasha didn't answer, "I knew it. You have fee--"

"Don't finish that sentence."

Erik grinned, "You have fee—"

"SHUT YOUR TRAP," Sasha rested her forehead on the steering wheel, "Erik, don't."

"Why not? What's wrong with saying you have feelings for Sienna?"

"Lesbian falls for straight best friend. That story line NEVER ends well."

"Yes, except now you know Sienna isn't straight. Kind of changes things up, right?"

"Ok. Lesbian falls for uninterested best friend. Same difference."

"How long?" Erik asked.

Sasha waved her hand dismissively and started getting out of the car.

"Sasha... "

"No -- don't do the pity party thing, ok? I'll figure out Sienna after I sort things out with Anastasia."

Erik made a face, "Ah, your 'it's almost over' comment?"

Sasha nodded, "It's pretty much over. She actually broke up with me before she left..."

"What?" Erik gave Sasha a shove as she tried to put her key in the door, "You've been holding out on me? What the fuck?"

Sasha shoved back, "It's not all about you, asshole. I still have to move my stuff out of her place... so the final nail is almost in the coffin. And please don't tell anyone -- I really don't want to be the downer at Christmas."

"I think you are over-estimating how the news might make people sad," Erik dodged a blow from Sasha as they walked into the house.

Chapter 8: The Dinner (Junior Year, 24th Dec - Monday)

"This was quite a spread -- Barbara and George, you guys have outdone yourselves." Mike James stretched as he surveyed the table.

"Not over yet," Sienna said as she reached for a dish.

Erik looked at her in awe, "How are you still eating? Didn't you have, like, eight helpings of everything already?"

"No complaints from me," Barbara Logan said, "Less leftovers... you guys should bring some stuff home, we made way too much."

Sienna shoveled more mashed potatoes onto her plate, "It's the peak of swim season. My metabolism is on hyperdrive."

Maria laughed, "And here I was thinking that you'd lost weight, Sienna! You are getting enough to eat over there in New York, right?"

"Definitely eating enough." Sienna smiled good-naturedly.

"So how much are you swimming these days?" Mike asked.

"Five hours a day if we do doubles. It's a little nuts. But we shave and taper into February, so the yardage decreases until Nationals."

Mike raised his eyebrows and shook his head, "That is a little nuts. What's 'shave and taper'? You didn't do that for age group, did you?"

Sienna shook her head, "No, we didn't. Taper is when we drop our yardage -- uh, that's how many yards we log per practice -- in a managed pace between now and February. It's a way to rest the body without losing stamina. And shaving is just shaving. We shave everything. Improves the aqua-dynamics."

Erik nodded, "I dated a swimmer once... The pre-shave period was, um, interesting..."

"What are you talking about?" Sasha had been talking to Sienna's dad and caught the tail end of Erik's comment.

"Hirsute swimmers and the people they date," Sienna said with her mouth full.

Sasha, still wounded by the knowledge that Sienna had been keeping things from her, scoffed, "Nice S.A.T. word Sienna. How long have you been waiting for an opportunity to use that in a sentence?"

Sienna parried easily, "More often than you'd think. We have an unusually large number of hairy people on our team this year. You know, like you, Sasha. Wild, unbridled hair, not a lot of disciplined maintenance."

Sasha crossed her arms in a huff.

Maria clucked her tongue approvingly, "You see, Sasha? Sienna agrees with me. You stuff all that hair under the hats. To what end?"

"I like my hair the way it is."

"Why not just tie it up?" Maria challenged. Sienna knew of Maria's deep hatred for Sasha's vast inventory of hats, and found it exceedingly amusing to watch Sasha squirm.

"It's not long enough to tie up."

"Then cut it, darling! SNIP! Nice and clean," Maria made an exaggerated scissor motion with her fingers.

"Then I'll look like a boy."

"You already look like a boy. What is it you young people say these days? You should own it!" Maria nodded emphatically.

Sienna gave a lopsided grin, "You should cut it. I think you'll look good that way."

"Really?" Sasha peered at Sienna, waiting for the sarcastic punchline that usually followed such statements.

Sienna blushed a little under Sasha's intense gaze. Why did I say that? She nodded casually, "Sure, better than the perpetual frat boy look you got going on."

Erik got up and pulled Sasha's baseball hat off as he walked past.

"Hey!"

"It's mine now, loser," Erik sang as he jammed the hat on his head and headed to the bathroom.

"Arrrghhh!" Sasha ran her hands through her hair in frustration. Her wavy brown hair fell in a rakish mane around her fingers and over her face. Sienna gasped. Maria leaned over and ruffled her daughter's hair affectionately, "People would pay good money for hair like this."

Oh, shit. Sienna felt her face redden as a flash of recognition breached the barrier between conscious and subconscious. A sea of obscenely inappropriate thoughts from that dream, now clearly of her and Sasha, bloomed with fervor in her head.

Sienna grabbed her plate and moved quickly into the kitchen.

"Honey, are you okay?" Barbara Logan asked with concern.

"Yup. I'll be fine. Just not feeling well all of a sudden."

Sienna dumped the dishes in the sink and, after quick cursory goodnights to the Jameses, headed upstairs. In the dark solitude of her room, her mind broke open with a torrent of images and memories. Of Sasha. And of the two of them.

Beth Reilly had not been far off: Sienna and Sasha had been like peas in a pod since even before kindergarten. She and Sasha, Sienna announced one day, were going to get married. Nobody batted an eye. Except for Amanda Whitaker, who decided to throw Sienna's backpack up a tree out of pure spite. Sienna ran to get a teacher's help but Sasha had other ideas. She climbed up the tree to retrieve it, but slipped and fell, cutting her forehead open in the process. There was blood everywhere, and the teachers and the school nurse were beside themselves with worry, but Sasha was grinning like an idiot as she held onto Sienna's backpack triumphantly. My Sasha. That's my Sasha.

And then more recently a couple nights ago, Sienna woke to find herself snuggled into Sasha's arms at two in the morning. She had debated whether to move to the sofa in the living room, but she couldn't help but stay. She listened to Sasha's heartbeat and allowed herself to be lulled back to sleep by the comfort of being smashed up against her friend. In many ways, it seemed so obvious now. Of course it was Sasha. But the dream becoming reality? Kissing Sasha? Having sex with her? Loving her? Sienna almost couldn't bear thinking about all of that. It would be like looking directly at the sun.

"Sienna, you okay?" Sasha knocked loudly.

"FUCK!" Sienna shouted, "What is it with you and scaring the shit out of me?"

Sasha stepped into the room, "Sorry... sorry... I knocked!"

"I'm fine, just got a little, uh dizzy." Sienna sat on the bed and hugged herself tight, shivering with adrenaline.

Sasha unzipped her sweatshirt, "Here. Take this."

Sienna frowned, "Then you'll be cold. No, I'm fine."

"I'm hairy. I can take it."

Sienna laughed and shook her head. "I'm fine, really... and you aren't hairy."

"Now that you've made that retraction, I won't sue you for defamation."

Sienna chuckled, "I don't have any money. Any award would have been paltry."

"I guess that means you are free to spread slander and gossip about me as much as you'd like."

Sienna glanced at Sasha, "What possible slander could I come up with? You're perfect."

"Yeah, right!" Sasha's brain had stalled on the words 'you're perfect.' The sarcasm stung more than usual with last night's revelations. Certainly not perfect enough for you... I'm not even on your radar that way, am I?

Sienna burrowed into her bed, "I think I just need to rest. Maybe I overdid it at practice or something."

"You sure you are ok?" Sasha sat on the bed, drawing up the covers for Sienna.

"Yes," squeaked Sienna, her heart galloping along now because of Sasha's proximity.

"Okay. Good night, Sienna."

"Good night, dork."

Chapter 9: The Separation(s) (26th Dec - Thursday)

Sasha looked at Erik in complete confusion as she talked to Sienna on the phone. "I don't get it. You said you'd meet us here at the restaurant? It's after 1:00."

"Not feeling too good. Sorry. You and Anastasia have fun, ok? Probably better that I'm not there for the reunion anyway. You know, third wheel and all that."

"Anastasia?" Sasha suddenly realized the misunderstanding, "It's just Erik and me. I'm seeing her later but not until way after lunch. Get your butt over here!"

Sienna felt a lump in her throat, "I really don't feel good Sasha. I'm just going to try and sleep it off."

"Logan, you okay?" Sasha heard an unfamiliar wobble in Sienna's voice.

"Yup. Fine. Sorry I flaked."

Before Sasha could say anything else, Sienna hung up.

Barbara overheard part of the conversation and stuck her head into Sienna's room.

"I thought you were going out to lunch today? With Sasha and Erik? Maria mentioned it this morning."

Sienna shook her head, and tried to avoid her mother's eyes.

"Sienna."

Sienna looked up. The whole saga had come spilling out on Christmas morning; Sienna had been moping around and her mother eventually coaxed it out of her: the realization that Sasha was more than a friend to her, the brick wall that was Anastasia, the painful idea that her feelings wouldn't be reciprocated.

"Why are you sticking your head in the sand and hiding in here?" Barbara's tone was gentle but firm.

"I'm not. Just don't feel up to going out."

"Avoiding Sasha will not make this go away, you know," Barbara said.

"True, but it'll hurt less." Sienna looked at her mother and smiled bravely.

"You don't know that, honey."

"Yes I do. Sasha goes after women who are so not like me. She--" Sienna's phone started buzzing.

Sienna picked it up, and threw it back onto her bed, "Sasha fucking James. STOP calling me!" She shouted at the phone.

Barbara crossed her arms and fixed Sienna with her best glare, "How is ignoring Sasha's calls and standing her up for lunch not sticking your head in the sand?"

Sienna looked at her phone and rolled her eyes.

"Honey, talk to her. You owe her that. And you owe yourself that." Barbara walked over and kissed the top of Sienna's head. "And just so you know, sticking your head in the sand like this is exactly how you become a crazy spinster shouting at the rain."

Sienna shook her head, "I can't talk to her."

"Sweetheart," Barbara turned to leave, "You're overthinking it. Talking is better."

"Sasha and I don't know how to talk anymore. We just argue about Anastasia."

Barbara smiled gently, "Stop making excuses. You both know how. It's just that neither of you wants to. It's infuriating to witness, honestly."

Sienna stuck out her bottom lip and scrunched up her face in protest as her mother closed the bedroom door. Sienna picked up her phone and read Sasha's text. {SJ} So why did you really flake on lunch? Simple question.

"Why indeed," Sienna muttered as she typed back: {SL} I told you. Wasn't feeling well.

"And when I say 'not feeling well' I mean the fact that you are with Anastasia the Terrible," Sienna laughed cynically as she continued talking to herself, "Thus begins my slow descent into madness. First, I realize I have a thing for Sasha, probably have had for years. Then I realize it's actually caused me to not ever have a real relationship. Now, I'm breaking up my friendship with her because she is too busy chasing after the Tsarina."

{SJ} Thought we were going to try the clean slate thing?

{SL} Changed my mind. Just keep things the way they are. Seems to be working for you.

{SJ} WTF does that mean?

Sienna took a deep breath. "Bye, Sasha," she said as she typed. {SL} Means I wish you all the best with A. I'm done fighting. Go and be happy with her.

For a good five minutes, Sasha didn't write back. Sienna just stared at her phone and tried to hold the tears back. "Ok," she said, "Just figure out a way to move on. Learn from the Alex debacle. It's not real. Just move on..."

The phone in Sienna's hand vibrated once more. {SJ} Meet me at my place in Boston tomorrow night? We need to talk. Just you and me.

{SL} So talk.

{SJ} Too much to tell. Not over text. Dinner tomorrow? 7p?

Sienna bit her lip. {SL} Can't. Taking earlier train back to NYC.

Sasha frowned.

"No dice?" Erik asked.

Sasha nodded, "She's going back to NYC early."

"Call her now and tell her what's going on, Sasha."

Sasha pursed her lips, "I want to tell her in person. This doesn't seem like something to do over the phone."

"Go talk to her now!"

"Not enough time. I have to meet Anastasia in an hour."

"So when are you going to tell her?"

Sasha thought about it for a moment, "Tonight. After Anastasia officially dumps me."

"That's a hell of a one-two punch."

"I'm a glutton for punishment." Sasha growled.

Erik smiled sympathetically, "Deep breath. It'll be okay."

Remembering Erik's words later that afternoon, Sasha sucked in a lung full of air before walking into the lobby of Anastasia's apartment building. She greeted the doorman and stepped into the elevator. When she got to Anastasia's apartment, she inserted her key and attempted to turn it. It wouldn't move. What the fuck!? She tried again. The key wouldn't work. She rang the doorbell and waited.

Sasha didn't hear anything at first, but then heard footsteps from inside the apartment. The door was unlatched and opened.

"You changed the lock?" Sasha was utterly bewildered.

Anastasia shrugged, "Didn't want you coming in here and going nuts while I was gone."

"Wow." Sasha was speechless, "Wow."

"Oh, don't act all wounded."

Sasha spotted a cardboard box by the front door. She kicked at it, "Mine?"

"It's everything. Believe me, I was meticulous."

Sasha dug through the box, "Where's my Michigan baseball hat?"

"You mean your hat with 'Wolverines' on the back? It was so threadbare it was totally falling apart. I threw it out." Anastasia tossed her hair and checked her watch.

"Wow," Sasha said again, "Is this how you are going to play this?"

"What do you mean? I'm not playing anything."

Sasha let out a long breath, "You threw out my favorite hat. You packed everything else. What's up with that?"

"What's so special about a putrid yellow hat with the word 'Wolverines' on the back?" Anastasia stared at Sasha, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Sienna gave it to me," Sasha snapped, "And Sienna is special to me, so that hat is special to me."

Anastasia froze. She had not expected that reply. "Finally," she said bitterly, "the truth."

Sasha frowned, "The truth? The truth is that because I wanted to make this work with you, I probably screwed up my friendship her..."

"Couldn't have happened to two nicer people," Anastasia cut in snidely.

"... and I'm going to do everything I can to fix it," Sasha stared defiantly at Anastasia, "because she is worth it."

Anastasia opened the door, the fight gone out of her, "Just go, Sasha."

Sasha grabbed the box. She turned back towards Anastasia as she stepped into the hallway.

Without another word, Anastasia slammed the door shut.

Sasha stood stock still in the hallway, holding her box of belongings. There's no coming back from that one. The sadness she felt over the end of the relationship was increasingly blunted by her eagerness to move on with mending things with Sienna. Sasha sighed, and started walking towards the elevator. The moment the elevator got to the lobby level, she strode quickly towards the entrance.

"Miss James!"

Sasha turned and saw one of the doormen coming out of a storage room, "Hey Ben!"

Ben handed Sasha a plastic bag, "Johnny saw this poking out of one of the garbage bags in the trash room. Miss Zolkin must have thrown it away by mistake. We've been keeping it for you. I saw you coming back down in the elevator, so I went to get it."

Sasha lowered the cardboard box to the floor and took the plastic bag. Inside it was the Michigan hat she loved so much. "Ben! Wow. Thank you!"

Ben looked at the box, "Moving day?"

Sasha placed the hat carefully in the box and picked it back up again, "I over-stayed my welcome."

"I'm not supposed to say this, but don't take this personally," Ben pointed to the box, "Let me put it this way, this ain't the first time Johnny's fished something out of Miss Zolkin's trash and returned it to its rightful owner, know what I mean?"

Sasha smiled, "You are a good friend, Ben. I'll miss you. Thank Johnny for me and tell him I think he should go work for the NSA or something -- he's missed his calling." She shifted the box slightly and shook Ben's hand.

Ben winked, "Nah, he loves the melodrama of a big condo like this. The kind of shit we see will blow your socks off!"

Sasha laughed, and walked to her truck. She dropped the box off at her apartment in Cambridge and then drove home. A conversation with Sienna was foremost on her mind. Even with the little time she spent with Sienna over Christmas, Sasha knew what she wanted: get the friendship back onto solid ground, and then confess her feelings. Sienna may never love her back that way, but hiding it hadn't helped any one.

She went straight to Sienna's house. Barbara Logan opened the front door, having seen Sasha's truck pull up.

"Hello, Sasha."

"Hey! Is Sienna upstairs?"

Barbara shook her head, "She took the three o'clock train back to New York."

Sasha went numb. "What? Why?"

"She said she had Med School stuff to take care of. She didn't tell you?"

Sasha looked down and shook her head. She took a breath and looked Sienna's mom in the eyes, "She doesn't want to be friends anymore, does she?"

Barbara leaned against the door frame, and chose her words carefully, "It's not what you think, Sasha. You guys need to talk."

Sasha rubbed her eyes, "That's what I came over for."

"Keep trying, sweetie." Barbara pulled Sasha in for a hug, "She misses you too. It might not feel like it, but she does."

Later that night, Sienna dropped her bags in her room and stared at her phone, which had been ringing incessantly over the course of her train ride to New York. "Jesus, Sasha, you are worse than a telemarketer with no people skills!" She shouted at the phone.

The phone vibrated again and Sienna opened the incoming text. {SJ} Are you avoiding me?

Sienna let out a jagged breath as she typed: {SL} Weather wasn't agreeing with me.

{SJ} That makes zero sense.

Sienna scoffed. Before she could reply, Sasha sent another text.

{SJ} I know you don't want anything to do with me, but it doesn't mean I'm ok with you disappearing like that.

"Wow Sasha, you really don't get it, do you?" {SL} Sorry, that's your problem, not mine.

{SJ} Fair enough. I'll fix it on my own then. Good night Sienna.

Sienna read Sasha's last message over and over again. "What the hell does that mean, you raving lunatic?"