Love Me, Please

Sweaty and slightly out of breath, she reached the impressive glass entrance of the biology building. There she waited in the entrance for Leila to show up and sign her in. A little while later they were upstairs on the second floor in Leila's shared office.

"So, what gives? What are you doing here, not partying or enjoying your free week away from this slavery? Not that I'm complaining about the company mind you...when I'm in between routines, I can practically slit my wrists with a spoon out of boredom."

"I broke up with Nora."

"Say again, Houston?"

"You heard me right. We broke up. It happened right after our Christmas vacations. Thankfully, I was knee-deep in studying and that kept my mind occupied, but today...I needed someone to unload..."

"But what happened? You seemed so happy every time you spoke of her."

"I was happy...we were happy. Although come to think of it, I did have this tiny little nag in the back of my head. When I'd talk about our future plans, about living together or whatnot, she'd be evasive and noncommittal. I didn't give it much thought; I was head over heels at the moment. Then when she came back from Spain just after New Year's she was avoiding me. When I finally got hold of her, she asked me to break up with her. Apparently, she came from a conservative background; she hadn't come out to her parents and this graduate program here in the UK had seemed as a chance to liberate herself. When she told her parents over the vacations about us they had a conniption fit and threatened to pull her out of the program.

I don't know what exactly they rammed into her head but, no matter what I told her...I tried reasoning, pleading, begging...yes I even fell on my knees...she wouldn't budge. We parted on a friendly footing but, if it wasn't for the exam period I'd have fallen into severe depression. I guess what saved my sanity was that I didn't have time for it to sting me through.

"Oh dear...and you kept all of this inside you for a month!"

"Like I said, it turned out for the best. I didn't want to come to you any sooner because the most likely outcome would have been me breaking down. I couldn't afford that, so...I took it in the chin and soldiered through it. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt...it does...a lot...I would never imagine myself saying that I'm thankful for my exam period..."

"Oh sweetheart...come here...hug time!"

"No...Leila...I don't think it's a good idea..."

"Hug!"

Leila bear-hugged her friend and patted her back. The first sob came; it was a soft, almost silent sob full of painful "whys". Then the dam burst. Leila embraced her friend, feeling for her pain, caressing her back and whispering soft "it's okay" back to her. Finally, the tears subsided; the crying had cleansed her soul and she felt better for it.

"Thank you, I guess I really needed that..."

"Anytime sweetheart, anytime...Listen, I'll tell you what...if you stick around for a couple of hours longer, I'll call it a day and we'll go out for an early dinner. Then we can go to the movies, watch a rom-com or something and eat a tub of ice-cream. What do you say?"

Anna blew her nose with a Kleenex and dubbed her eyes. God that had felt so cathartic. She felt much better now and Leila's plan seemed promising. A night at the cinema seemed like just what she needed.

Leila

After stuffing themselves at the Chinese buffet restaurant that they chose for dinner, they made their way to the Manchester Printworks multiplex. Leila let Anna choose what they would be watching and after some consultation they ended up buying tickets for the Vampire Academy: They Suck at School. Well, the advertising billboard felt promising enough, plus the "sucking at school" pun seemed funny enough.

"Are you sure this is what you want? Says here it's an action/fantasy film."

"Yeah I'm sure. I just need something impossibly forgettable right now. I don't want to think."

"O-kayyy...let me get the tickets and you'll pay for the Ben & Jerry's."

After obtaining their tickets and purchasing the largest bucket of ice-cream that the vendor had to offer, they made their way to their theater hall. The multiplex they had chosen had these nice armchair seats which adjusted to your back stance and armrests that could be lifted if you so wished.

They both sunk comfortably in. The movie started and both were seemingly absorbed in the plot. Leila however, kept steeling glances towards her friend. In the theater's dim, flickering lighting her face looked beautiful as it shone and then darkened, depending on the scene. She felt a warm feeling as she glanced at Anna which she couldn't quite place, but it was a nice and welcome feeling nonetheless.

After they polished off their ice-creams they both placed their hands on the armrest with Anna's hand resting on top of hers. To Leila it just felt natural, just like it should be if she were out with a guy. Later still, Anna pleasantly surprised her by completely lifting the armrest and snuggling her head on top of her shoulder. And that was it for Leila; she couldn't pay attention to the film that they were watching even if her life depended on it.

It dawned on her that she felt real love and attraction for Anna, not some kind of platonic, friend-like kind of love. True, Anna was her best friend since day one, but what she felt now explained a lot of things and opened a whole new lot of questions for her. Did she love her as a friend? Yes, but in her heart she felt more than that. Their near kiss and the magnetism she had felt when Anna had briefly visited. The unprecedented hornyness she had felt as she was on that lesbian fact finding mission. The flustering she had felt when Anna had jokingly whispered in her ear. The incredible and inexplicable jealousy she had felt when Anna had first mentioned Nora. Her outright stupid behavior the next day, getting drunk and going after some random jerk-off. The noticing of little things; the clothing of her colleagues, the admiration of Anna's form.

Where did that put her? Was she gay? She didn't feel any different admitting it. She had to know more but in the meantime she wanted to enjoy the warmth of Anna's cuddle. Smiling to herself, she kissed the top of Anna's head which earned her a puppy-like smile in return.

Finally, the end credits fell and they had to make their way to the exit.

"Thank you once more" said Anna with sincere honesty in her eyes. "You have really made me feel so much better."

"No, it's me who should be thanking you. If it weren't for you, I'd be spending a miserable Saturday holed up in the lab."

Anna

What she thought would have been a day of gloom and misery in the end panned out quite the other way. Anna had had her cry on Leila's shoulder and that had lifted an enormous weight of her chest. They had a fun day together just like the old times. And cuddling her head in the nook of Leila's neck had felt so right to her. In fact, unless she was terribly mistaken, she would bet money that Leila had enjoyed it too. But that was a thought for another day, now she needed her rest as she felt a bit spent.

They had made their way back to their hall of residence in relative silence compared to the incessant chatting and banter that had taken place earlier in the day. Leila seemed immersed into deep thinking which Anna chose not to disturb. She did catch her steeling glances at her when she thought she wasn't looking. Anna found that amusing but elected to say nothing.

They said their goodnights and Anna had turned her back on Leila, heading towards the entrance of her section when she heard Leila's voice: "Anna wait..."

Turning around she saw Leila walking briskly towards her. "Wait up" she said again. When she reached her Anna looked questioningly towards her but Leila remained tongue-tied. There was clearly something she wanted to say but couldn't quite get out of her.

"I'm kind of cold. You want to come in?"

"Anna..."

"Yes?"

"There's something I need to tell you."

"You want to tell it to me inside?"

"No...you'll find this silly..."

"Hmmm...what if I closed my eyes and didn't peak?"

Leila nervously laughed. There was silence between them. The white security lights highlighted the halos of their breaths as they exhaled. Leila looked her deeply in the eyes and didn't break contact.

"This may be the most stupid thing I've ever done..."

Leila stepped forward nearly stumbling as she did and placed her hands on Anna's cheeks. They stood like that, their faces inches apart, their breathing heavy.

"Love me, please?" Anna's voice came out in a tiny whisper.

Instead of an answer, Leila closed her eyes and inched her face forward. Their lips made the slightest of touches. They stayed like that, eyes closed, breathing hard, lips slightly touching. To Anna, it felt like a dream come true and a nightmare at the same time. She felt silent tears escape her eyes but at the same time she didn't want to move, didn't dare to move.

Not breaking contact, she felt Leila whisper in her mouth. "Anakin...I...ummm...I..."

They both opened their eyes their faces again only inches apart. "Anakin...Anna...ummm...I don't know how to say this..." said Leila in a whisper. "I umm...I really enjoyed cradling you in my embrace in the movie theater...ummm...in...in a non-friendly way that is..."

Anna smiled despite her tears. "That's a fairly long sentence to say that you're fond of me...in a non-friendly way."

Leila looked uncomfortable and tongue-tied. Anna took Leila's hand from her cheek and clasped it with both of hers.

"Listen Leila...I felt it too okay? There is something between us, something more than friendship. Believe me, there is nothing more in the world I'd want right now than to kiss you and throw you on my bed. You have absolutely no idea...

Leila blushed and bowed her head. "There is no easy way to say this Leila... I'm in love with you. Completely, hopelessly, truly, madly in love with you. I've been in love with you ever since I understood what being in love meant. At first, I thought it was a childish crush, you know, something which would wear off. Then, at high school, I was confused. Why was I feeling like this? Why did I like girls? Why did I like my best friend? Why didn't I like boys? I thought that if I dated, it would go away, like an illness being cured with medicine.

I watched as you went out with boys. I listened as you regaled me with your romantic endeavors. I took it all in like a dagger stabbing at my heart. And I had to do it with a smile on my face, no one should know that I was into girls and especially not you. I learned to live with my unrequited love, like someone learns to live with a chronic disease. Hoping against hope, that I'd find someone else, some other girl to love and live my life with.

But you were always there...never far from the surface no matter how hard I tried to submerge my feelings for you. They'd stay dormant for a while and with the slightest of provocations would come rushing back with a vengeance.

You say...you say that you enjoyed our embrace? Do you have any idea what this does to me? What this means to me?"

Anna could see that Leila was in tears now but she had to say these things, she had to get it out of her system. Squeezing her friend's hand tightly she went on.

"Sweetie, believe me...seeing you cry feels like you've taken a barbed javelin and stuck it in my heart. As much as it pains me to say this, I don't want another hide and seek relationship. I don't want to be anyone's plaything. I don't fucking want that anymore. I don't want to be someone's spank bank...

Now...I'm prepared to love you unconditionally with all my heart. But I'm gay Leila. I'm a dyke, a lesbo, a carpet muncher. It took me years to out myself. Years of excruciating pain. I'm not ashamed of who I am and I'm not into hiding anymore. That's in the past and anyone who doesn't like it can bugger off.

I offer you my heart. But I'm gay. I want a full, public and committed relationship. Are you prepared to do that? Are you willing to even contemplate what that could mean for you? Because, I'm not doing the relationship on the side thingy. I'm not going to be someone's sex secret.

I love you Leila. I love you...and although you've always been with me I've been alone all along...But because I love you this is what you're gonna do. You'll go away and you'll think. Think about all that I've laid on your plate. Take as much time as you want. We won't see each other in the meantime...no phone calls, no texts, no e-mails...Come back when you've got answers to what I've laid down for you..."

Leila was openly weeping now but she nodded in agreement. "Can I...can I at least have one last kiss?"

They kissed and hugged in tears, neither one wanting to break the embrace. Finally, Anna gently pushed her away. It was time...Leila wiped her eyes, turned and left.

"Only please...please come back soon..." said Anna as her legs failed her and she slid with her back to the wall. Hugging her knees she cried until she had no more tears left. Utterly spent, she went in her room and like a zombie she collapsed on her bed, clothes and all, sleeping the sleep of the dead.

Leila

She ran back to her room; she felt like suffocating in there. She could feel the pain Anna felt. Somehow she could tell that this pain was just too real. She had to do something. She needed answers and she needed them fast. Crying and feeling sorry for herself wasn't going to cut it. Anna had set her with a task; she had to either deliver or drown.

She fired up her laptop scouring the internet for answers. Reading about what it meant to be a lesbian, seeing videos with real people speak about their experiences. She started recognizing things which previously had seemed unimportant. How she always thought of Anna as being beautiful, how she had always tried to please her. How she'd always paid attention to other good looking females, checking them out, admiring their beauty. How her sex life with guys was down the toilet and how she'd duped herself to believe that it was just the way she was wired. How she had almost never orgasmed with her previous partners. How she'd faked it to make them happy. How she had drowned herself with work to keep her mind preoccupied.

To her horror, she came to realize that she had left for England not because her parents had forced her to do it but because she wanted to get away from Anna. Perhaps it had not been a conscious thought, but it was blindingly clear to her now. She had in effect run away. She had not only self-inflicted misery and worthless relationships on herself but she had also brought, God only knew how much, pain upon her best friend. To her defense, she reasoned, she hadn't known, couldn't have known. Had she tried to know? Had she? Or had she just run away?

What would it mean being with a girl? Well she'd have to tell her parents obviously. She'd have to come "out" as was often mentioned. She'd have to fly back to Canada for that, there was no way she'd do that over the phone or over Skype for that matter. What about her friends? For the closest of her friends she'd inform them personally. The rest would be on a need to know basis. Would she lose some friends? Possibly, but if they were lost for such a reason then they didn't deserve to be on her friend list in any case.

What about her parents? That was going to be tricky. Her parents were rather conservative folks and she was an only child. They had expectations from her. She loved them dearly, but she wouldn't let them interfere with her decision. She was a grown up woman, highly successful in her field of study who earned her own living. She hoped they'd understand and accept her as she chose to be. If not...if not there would be pain involved. Considerable pain, but she couldn't run away from it. She had to face the music, everyone had to.

And thus when she analyzed it down, it was never a question of whether she wanted to be with Anna or not. She had wanted it all along but hadn't dared to consciously think about it. It was constantly hovering in the recesses of her mind, always present but always swept back. In the end it all boiled down to social constraints; parents, friends, expectations, perceptions. All that Anna had done was push her out of her comfort zone, and voila: it was as clear as daylight!

She was in love with her. She wanted to rush right now and tell her. Tell her that she was sure of everything, that she didn't need any more time. Every second that could remove Anna from her misery, every second with which she could sooth her aching heart counted. But first she had to take care of other business.

Despite the fact that the clock was pushing way past midnight Anna feverishly worked her laptop. First, she wrote an e-mail to her supervisor, informing him that she would be absent from the lab for a couple of days as she had to make an unexpected trip to Canada for personal reasons. She would also phone him first thing in the morning. Then she went to Air Canada's web site to book a flight to Toronto. She found a last minute seat aboard United's flight to New York...and a return flight from Toronto via London Heathrow but fucking hell! "Four, fucking, thousand dollars? There go my savings" she thought, but only for a few seconds. Anna had suffered all these years, four thousand dollars was worth nothing when compared to that.

Then she wrote her parents an email informing them that she'd be arriving in Toronto's Pearson at approximately 16:10 local time and could they please pick her up. She then packed up a small travel carry-on, had a shower and drunk a big mug of strong, black coffee. She had a big day in front of her and she needed a kick-start.

Anna

A hellish week had gone by for Anna. Her mood was alternating between being melancholic and angry about her predicament. Worse of all, because it was the week between the start of the second semester, she didn't have any classes or work load to distract her. And thus her mind kept on playing the events which led up to that fateful night last Saturday. Had she said the right things? Or had she lost her rag and snapped at the wrong person? Was there something between them or had she killed it by laying too much heat upon Leila?

Worse of all, today was her birthday and she was totally not in the mood to receive happy birthday phone calls from anyone. The only person she wanted to speak to was Leila, but apparently she had vanished without a trace. True, Anna had told her not to phone or have any other communication with her unless she had reached a definitive answer but still, not having heard from her for a week was heart wrenching. And not only that, but strangely, her room was always dark when once or twice she passed underneath. She had casually asked Alan about it and he had told Anna that Leila had left with a small travel bag very early in the morning of Sunday.

She must have had a convention to attend or something like that, Anna thought, but she hadn't mentioned anything of that sort as they were chatting last Saturday.

In any case, it was once more a Saturday, it was her birthday and she didn't feel like greeting the world. She had stayed in her pajamas, mobile switched off and her landline phone unhooked. She was idly messing around with her iPad, a Christmas gift by her parents, when she heard the familiar notification that she had mail. Not wishing to read yet another canned happy birthday mail from the various sites that she was subscribed to, she ignored it.

A few seconds later, another pipping sound informed her of yet another mail. And then another. And another. Annoyed, she opened the application to check who the spammer had been. There were four mails, all from Leila.