Love vs. Hate

And for the first time in my life, I saw the panic on her face. She never expected this decision from me.

"Chris, I'm sorry..."

"Shut up!" I cut her off. "I don't want you in my life anymore."

"Chris, I did all this because...." She faltered suddenly.

"Because what? Answer me!" I demanded.

"Because I love you, God damnit!" she yelled.

"No you don't!" I shouted back. "You can't love anyone Kate. Not even yourself!"

I thought I already had enough of that non-sense so I turned around to leave the room but Kate grabbed my hand and started to cry. "Chris, please! Don't do this to me."

"It's all over, Kate," I pushed her away and she fell on her bed.

As I made my way out of her room, I heard her whimpers. "Chris, I'm sorry. Please, listen to me."

I went to my room and locked the door just in case she came back. And indeed she did! For the next hour or so, Kate banged the door as she cried and pleaded me to open the door and forgive her.

"Open the door, Chris. Please! Listen to me. I'm your sister...don't do this to me...I love you so much...open the door...damn it!"

But I completely ignored her. As I rested my head on the pillow, I felt myself being transferred to a different dimension. I felt that I was on a different frequency because Kate was banging the door and yelling as loud as she could and yet her voice was getting fader and fader in my ears. That was the moment I recognized the difference between Anger<./B> and Hatred.

I realized that all those years, I was just angry and annoyed with Kate. I had never hated her. It was just my rage and fury because I always fought back at her. But the moment she abused Natasha, she had crossed the break-even point and now I hated her. I was no longer interested in arguing with her or fighting with her or talking to her. In fact, I didn't want her in my life anymore.

That is the difference! When you are furious with someone, you want to fight back, hit him, abuse him and make a hell out of his life. But when you hate someone, it's all over! You don't want to hurt that person anymore. You just want to throw him out of your life. And it's not easy because it hurts you as well. I finally realized what hatred is all about.

Hatred is the fire that not only burns the person you hate but it also burns yourself.

Kate eventually realized that I would not budge so she went to her room. When mom came back, I acted naturally because I didn't want to involve her in this matter.

Chapter 3: Definition of Love

When I went to my room after dinner, I got a call from Kate but I hung up and switched off the phone. The next morning, I turned on my cell phone and found 14 messages from Kate. Without reading a single one, I deleted all of them.

I patched up with Natasha and assured her that Kate would never be the cause of tension between us. For the next few days, Kate kept calling me and messaging me but I completely ignored her. She even started sending e-mails with titles such as 'please forgive me', 'I'm sorry', 'please talk to me' and what not. But I never read them and just deleted them.

Whenever mom was not around the house, Kate would bring out the topic and try to start a conversation. But I never gave her a response. I would lock my room whenever we were alone in the house. If she was already waiting for me in my room, I would just walk out of the house. Things continued in the same fashion for the next 10 days or so.

*********

On Friday, 18th May, we went to Uncle James' house to celebrate his birthday. It was past midnight by the time the party died out. My aunt suggested us to stay over for the night since all my mom's cousins were staying back for the night. Mom and Kate agreed to the idea but I refused because I had already made plans for the next morning. The moment I gave my explanation, Kate added, "I think I'll go with Chris."

Oh, No!

I knew the plan she had made in her mind. The drive back home was more than an hour and she intended to talk to me. I would be doing the driving so there was no way I could get away from that situation.

"I think Kate should stay with you, mom," I suggested.

"No way, mom! I'm going with Chris," she argued.

"Okay, honey. You can go with Chris." Mom agreed.

Shit!

As soon as we hit the road, Kate initiated her plan. On the expressway, I drove a bit faster than usual, probably because I was irritated with Kate. She just went on and on and on.

"Shut up!" I shouted as I turned my head to look at her. And that was the biggest mistake I had made. I must have hit the accelerator a bit too much. When a heard a loud horn, I realized I had gotten too close to the car ahead us. Seemingly, at once the brake lights of that car yelled at me and I hit the brakes in response. But the tires couldn't handle the sudden halt and our car skidded. To avoid the possibility of crashing with the cars behind us, I turned left, careening onto the mud covered slop away from the road.

My seat belt was cutting into my chest with every jolt until the car crashed into a tree. Kate had apparently forgotten to wear her seat belt because the moment we hit the tree, her body was tossed inside the car and her head dashed against the front board. When the fear had washed out, I looked at Kate. She was out her seat and her head was still leaning on the front board.

"Kate!"

When I pulled her up on her seat, her forehead was bleeding and she was lifeless.

"Shit!"

Removing my handkerchief from the pocket, I tied it around her forehead to prevent the loss of blood. Miraculously, the engine was still running. I knew it was dangerous to drive the car but I had to rush to the hospital. Getting out of the car, I picked up Kate, placed her on the backseat and called mom.

**********

I was waiting in the hallway when mom and Uncle James arrived. "How's Kate?" mom cried.

"The doctors are attending her," I replied. We sat down and I told them how the accident took place. I told them everything except for the tension between me and Kate.

Finally, the doctor came out of the Emergency Room. "How's my daughter?" mom asked him impatiently.

"Your daughter is absolutely fine, Mrs. Lovato. I've been here since 8 years and this is the first miraculous case I've seen."

"What do you mean?" Uncle James asked.

"She's only got four stitches above her right eyebrow. That's it! Not a single scratch on the body. And within a month, you want even see the stitch marks."

"Oh, thank God!" Mom took a sigh of relief.

"How many days does she have to stay here?" Uncle James asked.

"Are you kidding me?" the doctor laughed. "She can leave tomorrow morning itself. In fact she can follow her normal routine."

Before he left, the doctor took me to the side for a talk. "Your sister really loves you, young man! She was unconscious when you brought her but when we were giving her the anesthesia, the only word she was murmuring was 'Chris'. You're lucky to have a sister like her."

And he was right. Because the next morning when Kate finally opened her eyes and saw mom sitting next to her bed, she hastily asked, "Where's Chris? Is he alright?"

"Yes, honey. He's sitting on the other side of the bed. Look!" mom pointed at me.

Kate turned her face and saw me sitting on the chair, next to her bed. "I'm glad you're okay," she said.

Mom went to complete the paper work, leaving us alone in the room. I felt a bit awkward as I tried to look away from Kate. A few minutes later, she touched my hand and I finally looked at her. "I love you, Chris," she sighed. Her eyes were getting damp as she looked at me.

I've always considered myself as a tough guy. The last time I had cried was the day when my father had passed away. But sitting next to Kate, hearing those words made me weak. I held back my emotions and gave her a smile which she truly deserved.

**********

By afternoon, Kate was back home. The next day onwards, she was back to her schedule- doing her work and spending the evenings with her Sara. I still didn't talk to her because I was feeling guilty about my rude behavior. I wanted to talk to her but didn't have the courage to face her.

The doctor had prescribed a few painkillers for the whole week so that she could sleep well and Mom made sure she took her medicine every night in spite of her silly excuses. The next Saturday, I was checking my e-mails when mom called me to her room.

"Chris, I'm going to the club for the party and I won't be back by midnight. I want you to give Kate her tablets after dinner. Today is the last dose, remember?"

"Okay."

**********

When we finished the dinner, I went to Kate's room for the first time after the big break-up. She was sleeping on the bed, reading her fashion magazine while I stood at the door.

"Come in, Chris," she smiled.

"You need to take these," I handed her the tablets and a glass of water. She always made excuses when mom gave them to her but that night, she didn't argue with me.

"Thanks," she smiled again. I was getting a bit nervous so I quickly left the room.

**********

Mom was back before midnight and went to sleep. For the next one hour, I watched T.V. before deciding to hit the bed. When I got up from the couch, I saw Kate's bedroom door was open so I went to close it. When I looked inside, Kate was fast asleep. She was lying on her back with the sheets pulled up to her lower neck. One hand was above her head while the other rested on her stomach. But she seemed to be a bit uncomfortable because her head was slightly off-center on the pillow so I decided to place it suitably.

When I came close to the side of the bed, I saw that she had kept a book underneath her pillow which was causing the problem. As slowly as possible, I removed the book, making her head more comfortable on the pillow. When I placed the book on the side table, I saw the title which read 'My Personal Diary'. Turning around to leave the room, I had a thought.

May be she must have written something about me!

Before you get me wrong, let me make it crystal clear. It's absolutely wrong to read someone's personal diary. But the situation that confronted me was an exception. I just had to know what she thought about me. I had always fought with her, argued with her, slapped her once and even tried to break our blood relationship but still she cared for me.

Why didn't she hate me back?

I had to know the reason. I wanted to know how she felt about me. So I did what I had to do. I picked up her diary, closed her door quietly and went to my room and locked it from inside. Turning on the light on my study table, I took the chair and placed the book on the table. For a while, I just observed it, wondering if I was doing the right thing.

May be I'll just go through some random pages.

When I glanced at the wall clock, it was past 1:00 am in the morning. To be precise, it was past 1:16 am in the morning on Sunday- 27th May. As I took a final look at the cover page, I knew I was about to get some true revelations about Kate. But more importantly, I was about to know what she thought about me.

And was I wrong? Definitely not! When I read the first page where she wrote about herself, the 12th line caught my eyes which read: The love of my Life: Chris Lovato- my Bro.

That's it! I'm reading this whole diary.

And I did the same. I read the whole diary- all 146 days- from 1st January up to Saturday, 26th May. So was it a life-changing experience? Hell yes! But more importantly, it was an eye-opener. I didn't find a single day where Kate hadn't mentioned me. There was not a single page where I didn't find the word 'Chris'. As I read each page, Kate made me realize the true meaning of Love.

12th January: Sara and I were standing in her balcony when we saw a shooing star. Sara told me to make a wish and I did. I wished that Chris would understand me someday and love me as much as I love him.

5th February: As usual, I fought with Chris because of Natasha. When will he understand me? When will he recognize the love in my eyes?

14th February, Valentine's Day: I spend the whole evening in my room, crying on my bed, holding Chris' photo while he went out with Natasha. Sara wanted to hook me up with a guy but I flatly refused. If someone was going to be my Valentine, it would be Chris and no one else.

10th March: Chris was not feeling well this morning. The doctor said he was suffering from a severe case of food poisoning. I just couldn't see him in pain. So in the evening, I walked bare footed to the Church to pray for him.

24th March: The one day trip to the camp was great. I really had a great time, especially with Sara. But the only sad part of the trip was that I couldn't see Chris for more than 24 hours.

12th April: Today, Chris completed his first year at the B-School. I'm really happy for him. And the best part is that he will spend more time at home during the summer break which means that I will get to see him more often.

24th April: One step close: I fought with Chris because of Natasha and for the first time in my life, Chris slapped me. I was really hurt by his actions. Why did he hit me? But it was also the best day of my life. When Chris pushed me back on the closet door, he pressed his body against me. For the first time, I felt his breath on lips. The emotions just took over me and I tried to kiss him but he pulled away and left me. Why can't he see the love in my eyes?

Oh God! I was right. She did try to kiss me that afternoon.

5th May: Dooms Day for me: Chris and I had the biggest fight because I abused Natasha when I found them kissing on the living room couch. I just couldn't control my anger when I saw that scene. But that was the worst mistake of my life. Chris told me that I was no longer his sister and that he hated me. I expressed regret but he just wouldn't listen. When will he understand that I cannot live without him?

Finally, I reached the last written page of the diary: Saturday, 26th May- the day which had ended only a few hours ago.

26th May: Sunny Days are back! Finally! For the first time after the big fight, Chris came in my room after dinner to give me the medicines. All he said was 'you need to take these' as he handed me the tablets. But I was ecstatic! At least he said something to me. If this is the only way that he will talk to me then I wish I should never get well. Never ever!

Tears dropped down onto the page as I read the last line. I realized what a stupid jerk I was.

She's ready to suffer the pain just so that I would talk to her.

When I glanced at the wall clock, it was past 5:30 am in the morning. I got up from the chair and went to Kate's room. She was still sleeping in the same position. I slowly raised the side of the pillow and placed the diary just as it was. Taking one last look at her face, I went back to my room.

Resting my head on the pillow, I stared at the ceiling, looking back at the mistakes I had made. As the first rays of the early morning sun brightened the room, I realized the true meaning of love.

Love is like water- crystal clear, adaptive in nature, capable of absorbing almost every element but more importantly, it is indispensable for life.

Chapter 4: The Apprehension

"Chris?" I heard a soft voice and felt a hand brushing the hair on my head. Opening my drowsy eyes, I saw mom. She was sitting next to me on the bed. "It's past 11:00 am in the morning. Are you feeling all right?"

"I'm just tired," I managed to choke out. "I need some sleep."

"Okay, honey!" she gave a kiss on my forehead before leaving the room and I dozed off again. When I got up and took a shower, it was past noon. I finished my lunch and retreated to my room without talking much to mom. Since it was Sunday, everyone was at home. I was lying on my bed when I got a call from Natasha but I didn't answer her because I was no were close to myself. I was still thinking about Kate's diary and the feelings she had for me when I heard a knock on the door. It was mom.

She came over to the bed and sat next to me. "Feeling all right," she asked me, placing her hand on my forehead.

"I'm fine mom. I was just a bit tired because of watching the late night movie," I lied.

"Anyways, the doctor had told us to remove the bandage from Kate's forehead today, remember?" she asked. I just nodded.

"Well, I just did!" she smiled. "And I could hardly see the stitch marks. By next week, they will almost fade away."

"Great!" I smiled back.

**********

I spend the whole day inside my room- lying on my bed, sitting on the study table and standing at the window- all the time, cursing myself for treating Kate like a scrap. By the time mom called me for dinner, I had received more than 20 calls from Natasha but I ignored all of them. After dinner, I once again went to my room and became disoriented in my thoughts.

It was past midnight when I opened the bedroom door to get a glass of water from the kitchen. When I passed through the living room, Kate was sitting on the couch, watching some movie.

Some decisions in life are so complex that you can't make up your mind. The more you consider, the more intricate they become. But there's a smallest possible moment when you hear the sudden voice from your heart. It comes from within and you know it's the exact thing to do. There's no need to reassess the conclusion. It's ultimate! You've got the answer! The road ahead unexpectedly, seems to be visible and you can spot the destination.

And how am I supposed to know these things? Well, that's exactly what happened to me. As I placed the empty glass of water on the kitchen platform, I heard that paranormal voice from my heart.

Just do it Chris! Tell Kate that you love her.

And that's exactly what I did. Kate was still sitting on the couch when I entered the living room. She was wearing only a plain light yellow t-shirt that reached down to the middle of her thighs. I went over the couch and stood next to her. "Kate, can I have a talk with you?"

The moment I said that, Kate looked up and I saw the sparkle in her eyes as she smiled at me and turned off the TV. "I can't believe it, Chris! You are finally talking to me!" Kate smiled at me as she got up from the couch and stood in front of me, looking at me with an anxious look on her face as she waited to hear me again.

"Kate...I...uh...."

Shit! Just say it, idiot!

"What is it, Chris?" she looked a bit nervous.

"Well, actually, I wanted to say that..."

Fuck! Why am I stammering?

"You're still angry with me, right?" Kate said.

"No! I...I want to tell you something!"

"What is it, Chris?

Forget it! Actions are better than words.

I grabbed her wrist and pulled her to me. Before she could say something, my lips crushed hers. I swear I didn't know how she would react because we had fought like Tom and Jerry from childhood and all of a sudden I was pressing my lips against hers. But I didn't have to wait long to get my answer. Our lips remained pressed against each other only for 3 to 4 seconds before Kate parted her lips and sucked on my lower lip. Finally, she was getting what she had desired.

Without giving a damn to anything, I kissed her back. I released her wrist and placed my hand around her waist while the other one reached for her breast. As soon I grabbed her tit through her t-shirt, I felt her nipple through the thin material which meant that she was not wearing a bra. Her soft plump lips felt like rose petals. Kate gasped when my tongue slipped out and touched her lips. Tilting her head slightly, she touched my tongue with hers and willingly opened her mouth invitingly to me.