All Comments on 'Loyalty Ch. 02'

Mined died in nam. In a pow camp saved my life . I put his 2kids thru college. Well done!

Is that a good thing ? Depends if you're in author's targeted demographic. To me, the most interesting twist would have been if Jack hadn't confessed to beatdown and expected the narrator to keep his secret. The evidence damming Eric as culprit and subject to instant karma via softball bat was left vague . If someone is going to go vigilante and commit felony retribution on my behalf ? I would want to be a whole lot more assured that retribution was righteous then narrator.

Loyalty is wonderful quality. Disregard for accuracy and blind loyalty not so much.

excellent story

I agree with @gmann57...This is an excellent story. Just missing a small detail: even if he was deservedly beaten, what happened to the rapist? Did the justice condemned him? Was he also raped in prison? Rapists deserve that and much more! Thank you for your story, and keep writing. 4*

More of a buddy story than a wife story, but still good and a change from the rest!

Okay, better than I expected, and decent plot twist.

DESPERATELY needs editing, though, especially for a one-page story!

ever call this "well written". The errors jump off the page. "Panty's?" Cleaver and Ward? Missing words and so much more that could have easily been corrected. That said, I liked the story and the loyalty of the friend.

This was a cute effort, at best. Unfortunately it makes no sense. I feel badly for a aspiring writing who wants to use criminal prosecution in his plot yet demonstrates he/she has done no significant research on how criminal law works. There was absolutely no set of circumstances to support Jack being found guilty for Eric's beating, except for his confession, which was unneeded. Whoever gets prosecuted for beating Eric has to be found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. And your story showed no direct evidence as to who beat Eric. Jack's fingerprints on his best friend's bat makes perfect sense. You should have cited that Eric's DNA was found on the bat. But then you have only a likely weapon, not who wielded it. Bat's are fairly common, so how can anyone prove who owned that particular bat? And given that Eric is a real slime ball, Mandy's attack is a perfect opportunity for someone else to beat Eric and leave the bat in Mandy's front yard. And you said Jack wiped the bat off, so why was anyone's fingerprints or any other substance found on the bat? And why would anyone who just beat a man leave the weapon available for police to find and test? It makes no sense.

Jack went to prison for a felony. He will never be allowed to vote, own a firearm, or hold many types of jobs. Any future spouse will have to be told either that Jack is violent, or loyal to the point of stupidity. Not much intelligence or discretion to be had there.

It was a great setup in chapter one, and a real let down in chapter two. Keep the wit and imagination, but flesh it out with more substance and a logical plot.

Thanks for trying. It was a decent first effort.

Loved the plot but you need to really get an editor.

Loyalty can really surprise one in modern society.

# 5

Somewhat telegraphed but all-in-all a decent story. Numerous minor errors that don't seem to bother some readers but I find they take away from the story. An editor for future works would be a good move.

Would have liked more fantasy about harming the rapist but it was pretty good!

Story

U can write, and with a perceptive humor

OK, so Hubby walks to Eric The (unlikely) Rapist's house while 'shit-faced drunk!' Beats the crap outta him with a softball bat (good ole hickory or dingy aluminum?) Eric is much less shit-faced than Hubby and probably asleep when Hubby manages to find the right house. Swinging a bat at a guy opening a door is really problematic geometry unless you have (soberly) planned it out!

A wooden bat would probably retain some Eric-DNA after a simple rinse (no mention of it being wiped down.) Aluminum might not. Irrelevant given a confession. The difficult issue is how Hubby could be drunk enough to drop a weapon he just used in an assault on his lawn IF he was also aware enough to remember an address and walk to a strange house a mile away, then mount a surprise assault!

Nonetheless, a cute (if dark) account. Good first LIT posting!

gave it a 1 because it was so sweet! amazing, the best story I've ever read, omg you are amazing!

Had some problems, but you show promise.

Looking forward to the next one

What happened to Eric?

Very good for a first effort but I would suggest getting an editor for your future efforts. Had some easily correctable errors that distracted from the flow of the story. Really enjoyed the humor and the jokes. A sequel concerning Jack and his further adventures would be entertaining. I gave it five stars

I like this.

Love the justice...cause sometimea a friend with A bat are great.

Pay fucking attention to the story!! The friend didn't use the bat to beat the guy who raped his wife. The husband did it himself but he was so drunk when he got home that he left the bloody bat lying in the yard. When Jack got there and saw the bat with all the blood on it, he grabbed the garden hose and washed and wiped it down before bringing it inside to put it away. Jack confessed to the assault to keep his buddy from going to prison.

The fucking law is so wrong. The ignorant fucks have set up our legal system to punish someone for administering justice.

But learn how to spell and make a sentence. It would make reading your story more enjoyable.

Hope the rapist didn't recover, but if he did, get him again.

Great Ch. 2 and ending that shows loyalty in the true sense.

"Some friends will help you move, a true friend will help you move the body/"

T.T.

It was heartwarming how a stray dog can be your best friend. Best line: "She was even able to find a woman with incredibly low standards Jack is crazy about."

Theme song for the story, "I Got Friends in Low Places".

We need more like this; come back and write another. 5*s.

It was absolutely delightful to read a story where the best friend did not steal the guy's wife. That was a lot of fun. Thank you. I want more!

I really enjoyed this one. Coupled with your most recent story, you haven't rare talent.

Jack. Great story. 5

To have a Friend that is so insane to take the rap for you is just Loyalty to a Fault,admittedly Mandy even respects Jack somewhat,but they still think he's an asshole,even tho he is a Loyal Asshole,so in my opinion Jack is truly a great friend to Mandy and Hubby.

This story also made my ass laugh so hard with the jokes like "Whats the difference between a Joke and Two Dicks?,answer you can't take a joke,but you can two dicks",was absolutely insane.So this story deserves five stars for the jokes alone,and five more for the sheer bro-manship it came with.Pure Excellence.

Perhaps more tales of Jack? Kind of like the stories that are told when toasting a bachelor at his bachelor's party? Probably more depth to Jack than what he shows to others?

It intrigued me to read loyalty. I thought oh oh here we go another friend steals wife. But no surprised the shit out of me. I think you'd be great on here. What I counted at least six people with 5 star ratings. Come back and write. We enjoy good and great stories.

Everyone needs a friend like Jack.

Top ratings from me.

Pretty well written.

What a guy. I bet everyone has that obnoxious friend, but VERY, VERY FEW have one with jack's sense of loyalty!!! *****

You either have it or you don't. It's a reflex. Nothing to ponder.

You are either a standup guy or your not. Jack was a standup guy. Fortunate is a fellow with a friend who is that solid.

Thanks for sharing your talents as a wordsmith author, looking forward to your future stories. *****

This was a really good read but needs a third part where jack gets married so we can get the tranny story.

... is correct. Story is incomplete until we hear about the time Jack tried to pick up the tranny at Mardi Gras.

Good story, but feels incomplete.

insight is not equal to in sight.

sight is not equal to site.

It looks like a dictation program was used, without ANY review for homophones or similar issues that voice-to-text software is notorious for screwing up! This was very hard to read smoothly. When We-The-Readers have to take ourselves out from within the tale to puzzle out what might be intended instead of the nonsense facing us, it does not bode well for high scores! Essentially, do not insult WTRs!

Jó író és jó írásai lennének ha folytatná és idővel kiforrottá válna !Kicsit még hiányosan ír,és kissé befejezetlen,de csak így tovább a fejlődés útján...!

I tell sick jokes, act inappropriately, and perform crazy stunts on a dare, regularly. But, whenever they're in trouble, I'm the first to help.

Loved the story!

The story is the thing. The dictionary may be well edited, but it's not a rollicking tale. This one is.

Good one. The "Ward" and "Cleaver" broke me up, too damn funny. Don't know why you didn't put in June, Wally, and Beaver/Theodore LOL, heck, don't forget 'Lumpy", "Whitey" and all the rest.

Forgot that Jack took the fall for him. Great bit of writing there.

A rather interesting story, badly marred by a total lack of editing and seemingly countless typos.

Got to admit, I was surprised...

I figured at first that Jack had found her fooling around and had beat her and "her lover" then was just ok going to prison for it...

Finding she was really innocent and Jack was *covering* for his friend definitely made for a better story.

It also made more symmetry in their lives, both he and Jack taking "the hit" for their friend.

Wrong category. Nobody cheated.

Bland ending. No drama, no emotions, no twists.

Wasn't at all the direction of the story I expected but was quite enjoyable. Gave this chapter a 5 and the first a 4 just for the weird break point. Some of the "celeb" names were a bit distracting however.

LOL, Mandy's joke about useless skin was great. Jack was loyal. also like his comment at wedding about Mandy being 3 months preggers, LOL. Rapist should be beaten monthly

Thst was a story !

5 stars! Great story even if it needed a second pair of eyes for editing.

autor... un aplauso para ti

Nice twist. Jack took the fall for hubby's drunken revenge beating. Rape is evil. My wife was raped 18 months before I met her. She was too ashened to go to the authorities thinking it was somehow her fault. Some guy she had jsut started dating, she stopped by her apartment before they were to go out on a date and he just decided to force himself on her. She stopped struggling and tried to just turn off, hoping the rapist would just get it over with. Her limp reaction turned off the rapist and he left afterwards. She never saw him again. She was living alone in Baltimore after having graduated college with a B.A. degree. She never told her parents or siblings until many years later (like a decade). She dated for a while afterwards but was scared to go very far and never let a guy know where she lived and always hid some cash on her for a taxi (pre cellphone days). She told me in our fourth month of dating as we were getting serious. We talked it through. I am.not a therapist but endeavored to make her realize none of it was her adult and some people are just evil. The rest was being supportive and making sure she was always comfortable with me (we had not gotten to home plate yet). Took many years for thr ghost of that terrible experience to leave her alone. Anyways 31 years later we are happily married, empty nesters with two kids in their mid 20s staring their own professional careers. Anyways I heard enough of her pain to see just a sliver of how bad rape is to a woman. Hence I get pissed when I see sick fantasy stories where a woman, usually a loving wife, is raped and somehow the sex is so good that she has to keep subjecting herself to the rapist was the sex is so amazing and cosmic. Bullsh$t. Orgasms are in the mind. Some women are so mentally damaged they may have rape fantasies, but the vast, vast majority despise nonconsenusal aex, especially rape coupled with physical abuse. There is no turn on there. If at some point they physically orgasm because of whatever maneuver the assailant is subjecting her to, it does not make her a slut, is nit her fault, it is still rape. The reality is a woman who is mentally healthy will never want to see the rapist again and while some might not be able to get justice or retribution, many dream about the rapist going to prison and being punished. So I cannot stand those fictional rape stories where the woman becomes addicted to massive orgasms and her mind breaks. It is a disgusting fantasy pandered by the author to some sick people. This was a realistic rendering of the fallout from a rape on a married woman with children. Can take a long time to recover.

Original, Unique. Entertaining. Well paced. Believable characters. I couldn't stop reading.

Writing the truth, tell me readers which would you rather be? . The man with the bat...or the man that cleans the bat ?