All Comments on 'Malcubus Ch. 01: Cherry'

Extremely well done! Keep up the good work! When can we expect chapter 2?

Can't wait for more !

Out of curiosity, will we ever get the classic red skin look for a demoness/succubus?

Great start to a great series. I hope you have a lot planned. Not so keen on the text message, or the super reluctance of Eric. After all, he did summon her. But I know you have a story line in mind, so I will impatiently await the next chapter.

Good job!

Outstanding start! I felt his nervousness got a little old at the end but it was still so fucking hot!

Thanks for posting and I look forward to the next chapter

Very hot and extremely well written and constructed. As others have commented, Eric's confusion and shyness could have been less and more quickly overcome. Writing quality is superb... consider mainstream if you are that way inclined.

Hot fun, very well written. Thanks for the lust-fest!

We lust for more!

I'd love to se more of their story

5 stars!

is outstanding! I enjoyed the text exchange between the friends though it could have been condensed a bit. A little goes a long way. Very likable characters with some complexity, not just the typical one-dimensional stock. Thank you for making it long enough to become engaged instead of breaking it into five unsatisfying snippets as do too many authors on this site. Now please follow through on this promising debut & give us MORE!

I especially liked the "She let a bubble of drool escape her perfect lips. 'Job is where daddy go to work. Two plus two is... four?' " The humor and sarcasm made the piece much more enjoyable.

An excellent beginning of a story.

Quite a different take from the usual, and much the better for it.

Can't wait for more!

Very hot. And great buildup...normally I'm not a fan of when an erotic story takes 5 pages to get erotic. But how much Rosie kept hinting and teasing at it just strung me along. Very very well written. My only critique was the "texting" section...completely skipped over that because it was jarring and disconnected from the writing style already in place. But overall a great story and definitely invokes the "I wish this could be real" of a good erotic fantasy.

wow, this has it all, I'm looking forward to the rest of the chapters...and keep up the EXCELLENT work!

Really well written. Loved it and anticipating the next chapter.

asianToy

I found the sudden switch to the texting to be abrupt, as well.

While I don't think it should be removed, (you used it well to introduce a new character), an introduction paragraph, segueing into the actual text conversation would have eased the transition. Plus, you would have clued your readers in as to who the other texter was.

As is, you didn't introduce a new character as much as simply dropped an unknown on us. That didn't create curiosity in me, (always a good thing to create in a reader), instead you confused me, (THAT is something you never want to do to a reader).

It didn't appear your intent was to create a mysterious 'advisor', since a short while later, you mention the text character by name, alluding to him be a sibling of your protagonist. But, that would only be caught if someone DIDN'T skip the text segment, AND remembered the name.

So, just to reinforce the 'Do Not Confuse Readers Concept', when the people who skipped the text portion later read the connection as a sibling, they will miss it, not making the connection.

Later, when you bring Warren(?) back into the story, some of your readers will get confused, again. Compounding the first confusion.

As you can see, the potential for continuing this cycle can exist. When readers get too confused, they bail. Never a good thing.

Hope this helps...

Thanks for sharing your imagination, and for all the hard work it takes to put together a story for submission.

GeoD

Really good writing - more

I read this before and upon re read I noticed something that needs to be addressed…..his dressing gown was torn. Why is an a teenager in anything resembling modern times wearing a dressing gown?

Nice.