Man Enough

"Now, how about Chris telling in front of his friends that Harry is a mentally-challenged child?"

My eyes grew wide!

Why the hell was Francis bringing Harry, our son, into it?

"WHAT?" I asked.

"That Harry is a spastic? That your son drools on his plate and has no motor movement co-ordination?" he continued.

"WHAT??!!" I asked. It was too fast. I was getting angrier and angrier. My only point was ---- don't get my son into it; my son was my highest priority, right after Chris!!

"Are you there yet?" continued Francis.

"Huh?" I muttered.

"How does it feel for Chris to say that Harry wets his bed even at this age?" Francis seemed to be on a roll!

"THAT'S ENOUGH FRANCIS!!" I shouted. "Don't talk about Harry this way!!" I was passing angry looks to Bethany. Asking her to control what Francis was saying.

Bethany was just sitting there, staring intently at me.

"Why? Is Harry really that bad?"

"NO!" I shouted.

"Did I just blurt out the truth about Harry?" he asked.

"No even close!" I nearly shouted.

"So you mean to say, I was lying all the time and speaking all trash." He continued.

"You don't say!" I retorted sharply.

"They why the fuck are you so upset about it if its not the truth? After all, its just a small thing, is it not? You KNOW that Harry is not mentally-challenged. So why are you getting so pissed up?" he asked calmly.

"You see Rach," that was Beth, "you feel your anger exploding because you care about Harry. While Harry and Chris' cock are two completely different things, the intensity you feel when someone slags your son, is the same Chris feels when you slagged his performance! That's what I meant when I said you can't relate to his hurt because he was a man and you are a woman. Because as a woman, your son is the top two priority in your life. Just as Chris' ability to satisfy a woman is for him. And honey, you just took it away. Here, in front of only the 3 of us, you blew up when we spoke about Harry, can you imagine what happened to Chris when you spoke about his not satisfying you in front of everyone?" she added.

"But I never said Chris never satisfied me!" I exclaimed.

"Sure. But Brian satisfied you better. That's what you implied, didn't you? You see, husbands have to be the number one in a few things in your life. Feeling sexually satisfied is one of them. For the husband, at least. And there you were, mooning over how much better Brian was! Even if you didn't mean it to come out the way it did, IT DID!" explained Beth.

"So tell me, why did you feel so offended at Francis slagging Harry?" she asked again.

MY GOD!

The steam went from my body. My eyes grew wide!! No. NO. NO. NO... This COULD not be happening...

"Because... because..." God! I could not think of anything to say!

"Because...its not how you're supposed to talk about my son!!" I blurted out, finally. Having no answer to the questions that my mind was now throwing at me!

I looked at Francis.

"No Rachael," he said softly, "its because you relate to it now. And I knew that talking about Harry would get you on the edge. I should not have said this. But I still did," he added, "so, how do you feel now?"

I was close to tears! How did I feel now? THAT BASTARD!! I was hurting more than ever. Why drag my innocent son into this. There was nothing wrong with him.. He was my son. I loved him. Why did he have to speak such things about him.. Why did he..HE... WHY...DID...I...then...??? MY GOD, Was that it??!! It was a small thing for ME, and this Harry thing was huge for me. And was it the same for Chris? Small for me but HUGE for HIM??!! My god, is THIS what it felt like? Did the hurt take so much from him??!!"

The revelation was too much. I was starting to tear up.

"Oh God! Oh God!" was all I kept saying.

"You see Rachael," his voice was very soft now, "for you, it was a statement. For him it was serious. Just the way the statement about your son was serious for you. But not serious enough for me. If Chris did get angry at my statement about Harry, do you think the intensity of his anger would be the same level as yours? Nowhere even near close, Rachael," he said, "Do you get it now?" he finished.

"NO!" I said. I was standing up now. Anger. Mixed with guilt. And a realization that it may NOT have been that minor a thing, began taking a hold of me. And I was scared. Scared to figure out what this meant. The implications... My God!! accepting the implications would make me a serious offender in the eyes of my husband!!"

I reacted. With fear. And like everyone in fear, I reacted, unreasonably. Refusing to see the light of the day, even though everything lay bare before me now!!

"It's stupid. It's ridiculous!! This is CRAP! You just CANNOT relate what you said, with what I said to Christopher! You JUST cannot!! They are two different things! You're doing this on purpose!!" I was shouting now.

And it was now becoming obvious to both of them that I was indeed getting it.

"Beth... plea...just leave now Beth. Both of you. Leave my house now. Please!! I don't want to talk to you guys for some time now." I was breathing hard now.

I swear if Francis stayed back I'd physically attack him with the kitchen knife or something for slagging my son! Oh God! Is this what Chris felt about me then? Dear God, HOW stupid could I have been??!! WHAT HAD I DONE??!!

"No problems Rachael." Said Beth.

That statement made me realize I had made another serious blunder.

After all, it was so strange to hear Beth addressing me a Rachael, and not Rach.

She had not done that in the last five years or so that I remembered.

Unless she was very, very angry at me.

# # # # #

A few seconds passed after my outburst at Beth and Francis, without any one of us doing anything. Then Bethany stood up and nodded to Francis.

Without saying a word, both of them walked towards the door. Just as they were about to open it, I shouted.

"Beth... wait!"

They stopped. A look of anger flashing on Beth's face.

I ran to them as fast as I could. Then I stood near them, tears streaking my eyes.

And in a move completely unexpected by either Beth or Francis, I leaned forward and embraced Beth tightly.

She seemed surprised, but returned the hug.

"Oh God, Beth. I am so sorry. I never meant to ask you to leave. You were only trying to... Francis! I am ashamed. I am sorry. Please!" was all I could mutter.

Francis smiled. And when I released Beth, I could see that she too was smiling.

"No Rach. We understand." She said. And when I looked up to her, she nodded her head in a positive motion. "Really!" she added.

"Francis..." I started to say, but he stopped me mid-sentence.

"No Rachael. I'd like to apologize to about Harry. But I wanted you to feel what Chris felt." He concluded.

"Francis," I said, "I STILL cannot completely relate what you said about Harry and what I said to Chris. And I don't want to lie to you both, my best pals, I don't think I probably will," I said, "but I am willing to admit that I was very stupid in doing what I did there, admit that I hurt my husband badly, and concede that what I commented about Brian was not only uncalled for and in bad taste, but also more serious that I cared to admit." I blurted out.

"Then, that is enough for us, Rach." Replied Beth, one of her hands still clutched in mine for supporting me.

"And we'll do whatever we can to help you and Chris tide this over." Replied Francis.

I was relieved. And just kind of slumped in her arms.

She supported me then took me over to the kitchen table again.

"Beth... thanks..." was all I could tell her. She smiled. She made another pot of coffee for me, put a single cup and front of me, and as I began to drink, turned to leave.

"Beth, I said I was sorry." I replied, panicking again, dropping the cup to the table.

"No honey,"she replied "we're not angry any longer. We just need you to understand that we are always there for you."

"Then why...?" I asked.

"Because you need to put an end to it sweetheart. And you are the only one who can finish it." Said Bethany, even as she and Francis walked towards the door.

"But Beth!" I shouted after he, "what do I do? I don't know!" I said.

"Sweetie," she said, a grim expression on her face, "unfortunately, that is something I have no idea about."

She gently closed the door after they both had stepped outside. After Beth had blown me a kiss.

With my husband in the bedroom who wouldn't speak to me, with my guilt over how I could have allowed this, even accidentally, and most importantly, how I had no ideas what to say to Chris that would make all this go away, and bring our happy life back to where it was. With Beth and Francis out of our house, just me and Chris. I felt so alone.

And for the first time, I began fearing for our marriage.

The tears, though, came unbidden as I gently wept and rocked myself in the darnkess.

# # # # #

I awoke to find everything as I had left it when I must have fallen asleep. The sleep did not come easy. For the first time in my life, I had cried myself to sleep. What made matters worse was that everytime I thought about how bad I felt, I would remember how bad it would have been for Chris. And my guilt worsened. There was no one I hated more in this world more than myself right now. And I knew that if I did not do anything about it soon, I would find our marriage languishing in the doldrums. It would be very hard. But I had to make amends to my Chris. The problem was, how do you tell your husband that he satisfied you completely, when you have unconsiously blurted out that he would never be able to rise to the level of your old boyfriend. I had no answer. This situation was the first time in it's occurence. And I was ill-equipped to handle it.

This was not an on-off switch that you turned on and off at will. How do you reassure your husband that he does matter. That he is the number one. Would always remain so. And more importantly, how do you prevent that germ of a thought taking place in his mind everytime he held you or tried to make love to you in the future, that perhaps you were, uncosnciously, comparing him to your older boyfriend?

This was not as trival as I thought it was.

And that scared the hell out of me.

The most fearsome thought, however, was what happened when he found out that he could no longer make love to me? Because of that mental image of me sitting on my ex-boyfriend's cock and it pushing past my uterus on a chair?. Becuase of that mental image, that I went wild when this happened and came in litres. Images and sounds and smells, that *I* so foolishly put in my husband's head. How do you get past this?

Dear God, I had absolutely no idea!!

But the panic that filled me at that thought, wanted me to immediately go up and speak with Chris. I didn't care at this point that I was not prepared. I had to speak with Chris. And do my best to love him and reassure him that he was, always was, and always would be, my main man. Hurridely, I brushed, took a bath and keeping the coffee on the burner, I ran up as fast as I could to climb upstairs to the bedroom. I waited near the closed door for the moment, then gingerly, knocked.

"Chris?" I called out. I dared not use my usual call 'honey' or 'darling'. That would seem too self-serving. "Chris, you there sweetheart?"

Well, I tried, but it inevitably slipped out. Sweetheart. Right.

But I had to talk to Chris. So I pushed these thoughts back and knocked again.

"Chris?" I asked. A little loudly this time. Strange, there was no response.

By the fourth knock, I began getting worried. I hope he did not do anything in his current state. When all of a sudden, the realization hit me square in the guts!

MY GOD...!! He had taken sleeping pills! He was in the bathroom with his wrists slit and blood everywhere!! He had taken an overdose of.. of... of, well, something!! Thoughts ran unbidden in my mind. Horror suddenly piled up on my heart. Oh my God! My Chris! My Chris!! Somewhere, far away though, my thoughts were distracted by what seemed to be the distant ringing of a telephone. A couple or rings more, and I realized I was still standing outside the bedroom door, and the phone was ringing in our hall. My panic, though, showed no signs of abating.

The phone rang and I continued to ignore it, wanting to talk to my Chris first. But it's persistence would not go away. It suddenly occured to me that it had to be Beth, wanting to ask me about how things were and I had to tell her that my Chris... my Chris...had...in the bedroom...because of me...cut...wrists...blood...sleeping pills...something...anything...Oh God!... Beth!! I ran down and picked it up in it's seventh ring.

"Mary."

"Chris!!" I shouted. Half with terror, half with relief, half with God knows what feeling "where are you? I'm trying to get in our bedroom and you never answered. Oh God, chris, I was so worried that you..."

"Pipe down. And listen up, Mary." Chris spoke from the other end.

I froze.

He rarely used this tone in the house or around me.

"Chris?" I mewled softly in the phone. Not sure where this was getting to.

Dear God! Please. Please!! Don't let him divorce me over this stupid, stupid mistake of mine. I was thinking furiously what I should say to Chris when he spoke again.

"I will be back home in the evening. Or in a day or two - I am not sure. But I don't want you pestering me with calls to my cell. You've fucked me up yesterday. Don't fuck this up now. Don't call me until I call again." he spoke authoratively. Actually, ordered.

"Chris... what...?" I began but he cut me off again.

"And I will not tell this to you again. I am alright. I just need time off. From you." he stated. My heart stopped a couple of beats at that last statement.

"Uh...Okay hone...Chris... but what... I mean, are you...?" I started.

But it was too late. He had already disconnected the phone.

And I wondered about his strange request. Just what was Chris wanting to do?

(to be continued)

<<< End of Chapter 01 >>>