Marriage Trouble Ch. 03

"And then it never is. I'm not t what Savannah wants anymore. Knowing that, I got angry at her. But I couldn't...I wouldn't let myself feel that anger. So I would double down on everything. I'd give her her way more often. I'd work harder. I'd be more loving towards her. I would devote myself more to her. Not because I thought she'd finally recognize what I did for her. But just sort of...to shove in her face how good I was. What a good wife I am. So that she would feel guilty for the way she treated me. Because I felt like she should. And it would work, I think. I think it made her guilty when she saw I was a better spouse than her. But it didn't change her mind. It didn't make us more compatible. It just made her resent me more. It made her try to crack me, to prove I wasn't so perfect. And so the cycle would just...accelerate.

"And that is where you come in. That's Savannah pushing me farther than I want to go because she doesn't respect me and wants to show me that. And that is me giving in right away, to try to make her feel bad about her resentment. That's me passively getting back at her...whether that worked or not. I don't know. But the point was...I have been passively giving way for a long time and all it has done has caused more and more tension and hostility inside my family. And Savannah wasn't the only one who was hostile. I was too. I was angry. All the time...I'm angry every minute of every day. But I couldn't turn that on her. I couldn't both because I didn't want to feel that way about her and because it would undermine my whole passive-aggressive guilt thing. And then you stepped into the middle of it and...years of resentment and anger got turned towards you. Everything I had for Savannah, every drop of it, I poured onto you.

"I didn't realize that until today. I mean it never made any sense. How could I be angry at you? We were strangers, you didn't owe me anything. The person hurting me has always been Savannah. And today, when you told me about Savannah's...infidelities," the word came out in shuddering groan, "I couldn't keep that straight anymore. As much as I wanted to make it about you, I couldn't. I called you a liar, but I knew you were telling the truth. I mean, I wasn't even surprised by it. Of course Savannah cheats on me. Why wouldn't she? You have to respect someone to be faithful to them. And I let myself be angry with Savannah. I dropped myself into that anger and I saw how deep and how broad it was. And I realized that I didn't feel any of that for you. You just got caught in the middle. And that's why I am sorry."

I felt like I'd been talking forever. My throat was dry and I was slumped down in my chair. My arms and legs were sort of half-numb and I felt completely drained. A sort of combined physical and spiritual exhaustion had completely overwhelmed me. But I had said it. I'd said it to Claire, who needed to know. But I'd said it aloud, that was more important. I had formed the ideas into words and made them real. I couldn't pull them back now. The hour and a half I'd spent crying on the kitchen floor had been important. I'd worked through everything I'd just told Claire, making connections in my mind and accepting things that I'd been ignoring for years. But it was only now, when someone else could actually hear it, that I knew that it was the truth. I knew that I wasn't lying to myself anymore.

I had been looking down at my hands as I spoke, afraid of what Claire might be thinking about me. I'd won her forgiveness with my 'woe is me" self-pity. How would she react now that she knew that I was just as manipulative and self-centered as my wife? Slowly, I raised my head, trying to keep my eyes steady as I looked at the young girl who'd been pulled into the middle of everything.

As my head rose, Claire pounced with stunning speed. My eyes grew wide, afraid that she was attacking me for some reason, and I froze on the bed. In a moment, Claire's hands were on either side of my head, I could feel her palms against my ears and her fingers through my hair. But she wasn't squeezing me or pulling on me, her hands felt soft and warm. At the same time, her face came towards mine, her eyes closing. I flinched slightly, afraid that she was coming in for a head butt. I closed my eyes as well as the force of Claire's body against mine knocked me over onto the bed.

Then I felt it. Not the head butt. Not hair-pulling. Nothing that I was fearing. Instead, I felt something...lovely. There was a gentle, wet, warmth against my lips. A sort of silky sensation that had head growing out from it. I felt Claire's body come down on top of mine, our breasts together, her hips between my legs. I felt a slick heat against my lips. And I knew that Claire was kissing me, her tongue now slipping softly against my lips.

My mind was whirring. This was about the last thing I had ever expected. Even as the kiss continued, I couldn't make sense of it. I didn't even have a place to begin understanding Claire's actions. And soon, I didn't want to. Despite the fact that my body was stiff and my mind was blank, I couldn't avoid reacting. Claire's lips were so soft, her tongue so gentle...I found myself drawn into the kiss despite myself. My eyes were still closed and my chest was still tight, but my lips parted. I felt Claire's tongue slip easily into my mouth. I tasted her tongue, pushing my own against it. I sucked her in, feeling a groan in the back of my throat. My body loosened. My mouth began to work with Claire's, our lips sealed softly together, our tongues exploring lightly. I tasted her teeth the roof of her mouth, felt her probing back towards my throat.

I breathed in deeply, taking in the scents around me. The familiar perfume smell that, for some reason, I had been expecting wasn't there. There was the scent of fruity shampoo and minty soap. A wholly alien aroma. These weren't Savannah's smells. These were someone else. Good...Lovely even, but different. My eyes fluttered open. I'd known, all along of course, that I'd been kissing Claire. But somehow, it hadn't really penetrated my mind. I was kissing something who wasn't my wife.

My body shook violently and I moved back into the pillows at the top of the bed, pulling my lips away from Claire's. Her eyes opened now too. She was smiling with a sort of dazed look on her face, then growing concerned when she saw me. I shook my head over and over again and wiped my lips quickly with my hand. What had just happened? What had I done?

"You kissed me," I said flatly, being unable to say or even really think anything else. Claire smiled gently and then nodded.

"I did," she responded. For a moment I just stared at her. I could still feel Claire's body against me, her hips were pressed into mine. She had propped herself up on her hands now, this locked our hips closer together and I felt her arms against my waist. I could still smell her scent, even as I had moved away.

"Why?" I asked after a long time, "I didn't tell you to do that."

"I didn't say you did," Claire said. Her words sounded confident, but I could see the unease in the stiffness of her body. I wondered if she knew what she was doing any more than I did.

"I'm married," I said stupidly, as though Claire wasn't intimately aware of that fact.

"It felt good, didn't it?" Claire asked, ignoring my previous statement. I thought back to the sensation of her tongue in my mouth, her breasts against mine. It had felt good.

"That isn't the point. I don't understand what you thought you were doing. Don't you hate me? I have been terrible to you. There are easier ways to accept an apology," I said and Claire actually laughed.

"I never dislike someone if I understand what made them act that way. You told me the truth just now. I could see your whole world laid out there and I understood it. I don't hate you. You're in the middle of a toxic relationship. I get it," she said simply. There was so much there to unpack. I started with the easy stuff.

"That doesn't explain why you kissed me," I said.

"What are you going to do about your toxic relationship?" Claire said, turning me back to her most incendiary claim. I mean, my marriage wasn't perfect. But was it toxic? Was that the word to use? Broken maybe...I didn't know.

"I am going to have to talk to Savannah," I responded. Claire snorted.

"A serious sit down where you guys discuss your relationship? I mean I don't know Savannah as well as you do, but how do you really see that playing out?" Claire said. I thought about it for a minute. I pictured myself saying that I needed to have a serious conversation with Savannah. I pictured my wife sensing something was wrong. I saw her deflecting my concern. I saw her turning it back on me...

"I don't know," I lied.

"What are the odds that this plays out just like every other fight you've ever had? Do you think this will be fixed? Or when Savannah walks in looking beautiful, are you going to bite your tongue? Is she gets even a hint of criticism, is she going to turn it around on you? Will she ever let you pin her down on anything?" Claire asked.

"I..." I started quickly, not wanting to believe that it was true. But I couldn't finish my sentence. I knew Claire was right. We'd both seen the same thing at the same time. I ran my hands through my hair and shrugged.

"Sitting down, having an adult conversation, letting her state her side of the story; that's what everyone would tell you is the right thing to do. How has doing the right thing worked out for you so far? You said yourself, always doing the right thing was part of your passive-aggressive little game with Savannah. It only made things worse. Don't tell me what the actual right thing is, tell me what feels right," Claire demanded, her words pouring out more quickly with each passing syllable. Something about her intensity affected me. I didn't think, I didn't plot. I just spat out the first thing on my mind.

"I want to get even," I said. I felt a shock go through me as I said it. Not because it was petty and vicious. But because it was true. Claire nodded as I spoke.

"You have to break the cycle Kat," she said slowly, "You can't fall back into the same pattern or it will just keep happening. It might not be right. But it will mean you can't go back again. Whatever happens next." I stared at Claire for a long time. She was staring at me intently and I could feel the heat of her body against me.

"Okay," I said aloud, "That...makes sense. You're right. I never would have thought of it...but you're right." I said, and it did make sense. I didn't have much time to think about it, but it felt right in my bones. Then I looked at Claire's face and realized I had another question. "But why you? What do you get out of this?" Claire snorted again.

"I have been thinking all of this time that you and Savannah have purposefully been putting me through hell as some sort of weird, couples sex game. I wanted out all this time and I didn't know how to do it," she said, "I felt totally helpless because I was caught between the two of you. I learned today that you aren't really the problem. Savannah promised to take me in but it was all part of some creepy head game she was playing with her wife. I want to get even too," I saw Claire's eyes get wide and her face flushed as she spoke. There was real feeling in her voice. But she softened slightly and gave me a wry smile, "Besides, I think you're really hot." Despite myself I blushed at my words.

"Thank you," I whispered, not sure if it was appropriate. But now I took the opportunity to look up at Claire. For the first time, I really looked at her without jealous. I didn't think of her in relation to Savannah. I thought of her as a person, right here, alone with me. I looked at her full lips, her ripe body, her delicate curves. I realized for the first time that she was really beautiful, "I think you're hot too," I mumbled, blushing harder.

"Then what do you want to do?" She asked. Once again, I didn't even let myself think.

"I want to fuck you," I said, shocked instantly by both my feelings and the crudeness with which I expressed them. But Claire just smiled. And, without another word, she leaned in quickly to kiss me again. This time, I felt no confusion. In fact, I felt a clarity that I hadn't felt in a long time. This wasn't part of any game. I wasn't thinking nine steps ahead and planning out how Savannah should have felt. I was just...wanting and being wanted.

What was surprising was how gentle Claire's touch felt, the softness of her lips against mine, the lightness of her body pressing against me. We have both said that we came to this point from a place of anger, we both had said we needed to get even with Savannah. But there was no anger now. We didn't kiss roughly, or grasp each other rudely. I was done taking my anger out on Claire. And she, apparently, was happy to reciprocate.

Of course, a lack of anger shouldn't be construed as a lack of passion. In fact, I was quickly overwhelmed. I felt Claire's body sink down on top of me again, I felt her lips press into mine, her tongue working its way into my mouth. I felt her thighs rubbing inside of mine and I felt her breasts pressing down into me. I lost control of myself. I poured my tongue into Claire's mouth, I grabbed her arms tightly with my hands, and I wrapped my legs around her hips, pulling her in. My body was trembling all over, and I felt Claire trembling as well.

We lay tangled together for a long while, our mouths sealed together. I felt Claire's tongue touch every inches of my mouth and I returned the favor. Her lips grew wet and slick, but stayed supple and soft. Inviting. Savannah always found kissing so boring, always ready to move on to the next thing. I luxuriated in Claire's attention, not wanting our long kiss to end.

We both focused on our mouths, kissing deeply and wetly. But our bodies were not static. We had started out sort of stacked on top of one another. But the excitement was too great, I felt it stirring deep inside of me. Without though, by hips gyrated and my back arched into my lover. I felt the heat growing out of me. And I could feel Claire moving as well, her hips thrusting against mine and her small breasts pressing sweetly against me. My hands roved over Claire's back and my legs squeezed around her waist.

Soon we were tearing at each other's clothes. I had my eyes closed as I kissed Claire, but my hands moved instinctively. I know there was some awkward fumbling, but very quickly, I felt myself slipping Claire's t-shirt up over her head (briefly breaking our kiss) and working her small shorts down around her hips. Claire moved on me as well, although it was a little harder because I was on my back. Nonetheless, in no time, I felt her unbuttoning my blouse and working my pants down off of my legs. We rolled around wildly, fingers rubbing skin and hands grasping flesh. The whole while, I kept my eyes closed, but I could always tell exactly where Claire was and our lips always found one another. Soon, we were both naked on the bed.

While we had moved around, undressing one another sloppily and excitedly, our bodies had shifted. When we were both completely naked, I finally broke our kiss and opened my eyes for the first time in a long time. I realized that we'd somehow moved into an entirely new position. Claire was no longer between my legs. She was sitting sort of next to me, to my right. I was sitting up now, with my back against the headboard. Claire was doing the same, our heads had been turned together, kissing. As my eyes opened, I saw that Claire's were open as well, she was looking at me.

In the rush of kissing Claire and working rapidly to get her out of her clothes, my mind had been totally focused on the task at hand. I was enjoying the sensation of her tongue against mine and relishing the puzzle of getting Claire's hot skin out of her clothes while my eyes remained shut. Now, for the first time since we'd really started, we paused for a second. For the briefest moment, I realized what I was doing. I was cheating on my wife. I was already...so much farther down the road to doing it that I'd ever thought possible. But I didn't feel the shame or remorse that I expected to have. I don't know that I felt anything about Savannah. I felt only desire for Claire and a knowledge that I was, finally, doing something dramatic to change my life, good or bad. I didn't think about my wife again for a long time.

In fact, Claire quickly refocused my attention. While she continued to look at me beatifically, with a slight smile on her lips, her hands were moving. Her right hand reached all the way across her body and I felt her cool, slim fingers suddenly against my skin. I jumped slightly as Claire gently the pads of her fingers against the swelled flesh of my breast. She pressed down slightly and then dropped her hand to the underside, cupping my heavy breast. I took in a breath sharply and I heard Claire groan.

"Oh your breasts are so lovely," she cooed, hefting the weight up and squeezed her fingers into it. I felt her palm hot against my skin and I shivered slightly. Her touch was so gentle, but it seemed to activate all my nerves at once.

"I've always hated them," I said, looking down at my body, "too much male attention."

"Maybe just not enough female attention. Maybe you've only been with girls who are jealous of them," Claire hinted. Before I had a chance to think about what that meant, Claire was leaning forward towards me again. I closed my eyes, anticipating another kiss. After a few seconds, it didn't come. Instead, I felt one hot burst of air against the skin on the top of my breast and the tickling sensation of hair draping down over my chest. My eyes fluttered back open and I saw that Claire had bent down over top of my breast. I looked just in time to see her mouth open and her wet tongue slip out between them.

I gasped as Claire's lips pressed hotly into my breast and shuddered as her tongue dragged ever so slowly across my hardened nipple. Messages from the nerves in my nipple shot all through my body, turning my bones to jelly. Claire's lips suck gently, pulling my nipple more deeply into her mouth. Her hand was still on the bottom of my breast, pushing it up towards her beautiful face. Then her tongue began massaging me, flat had heavy against my taut skin. I remained frozen on the bed, allowing the sensation to wash over me. I heard slight slurping sounds from Claire's lips and a low moan in the back of her throat as she sucked on me.

I am not sure how long Claire stayed like that, with her mouth wrapped around my breast. I never wanted her to stop. No one had ever treated my breasts so lovingly, I thought the idea that nipples could feel real pleasure was a myth! I groaned and writhed on the bed, soaking in the delicious, alien feeling of Claire's touch. I lifted my right hand up behind Claire's back and began running my hands through her hair, gently encouraging her to continue.

But then a new sensation caused my body to jolt. For a minute, the feeling was so intense that I couldn't even pinpoint its source. It was like I suddenly on fire all over. I threw my head back and moaned loudly, not able to control myself even if I wanted to. I heard Claire giggle around my breast. Slowly, I began to regain control of my mind. I began to understand what I was feeling. While I had been focused entirely on Claire's hot tongue, she had slowly been moving her left hand up off the bed and across my thigh. I almost remembered feeling her fingers crawling across my skin. Then she had slipped down between my thighs, splitting my legs slightly. Now, I realized, her hand was between my legs, and I was feeling her slim fingers against my hardened clitoris. She was moving her fingers in small circles, the sensations growing stronger even as I came to grips with what they were.