Marriage Trouble Ch. 03

"This is really great, I mean, this is what we wanted all along right? We're all in this together," She said, and she started walking to the bed. She slipped off her coat as she moved towards us. I saw that she was coming to sit down between us, to separate me from Claire and to put herself back in charge of the situation. My curiosity growing stronger, I held up my hand.

"No," I said simply. I had planned on saying more, but I found that I couldn't find the words. Savannah stopped in her tracks, the smile slipping from her face. She stared at us again, her brow furrowed. Slowly she crossed her arms in front of her chest and her face transformed into a scowl.

"Hey, I brought Claire here for all of us to be together. We never talked about alone time with her..." Savannah started indignantly. I snorted and shook my head. It was not planned, I hadn't even realized I was doing it until it was over. But I was tired. Tired from sex, but more tired from my relationship. I didn't have the energy to try to take it back. I was honest.

"You're going to lecture me about doing things without permission, Savannah? Really, you want to have that conversation?" I spoke so calmly, that Savannah's play acting at being jealous washed away instantly. I realized that she didn't really care enough about me to feel envious that I was with someone else. She was just trying to regain an advantage over me that she sensed she'd lost. She stuck to her guns briefly, but gamely.

"Look this marriage was your idea, it is your responsibility to..." she started. I couldn't hear this again. I stopped her cold.

"I didn't want Claire here in the first place Savannah. You brought her here and you didn't care about all the hints I gave that I didn't want her. You never listen to the things I say or the things I want. You just sort of knock over me, and you expect me not to say something. Because I never do. But I am tired of doing that Savannah. I am tired of doing everything for you, just to have us dislike each other more and more every day. It isn't worth it. You brought Claire into your bed and now you have to accept the consequences of that," I said. None of my normal, mealy-mouthed subservience. My words came out hot and sharp. I didn't dance around the issue or try to get Savannah to pick up on hints that she should respect me. I threw it out there.

"You think you can get on a moral high horse after cheating on me!" Savannah said, for the first time speaking with real emotion. I laughed.

"If you really thought of it as cheating, you would have said something the instant you stepped in the door, instead of trying to play the situation to your advantage," I said, and I saw Savannah's eyes flash as she realized that I knew about her manipulations. How stupid did she think I was? How stupid had I been? "And I am not on a high horse. I admit it. I am married to you and I slept with Claire without your permission. That's wrong. But our whole relationship is broken. And I know that if I didn't do something wrong now, it was just going to keep getting worse. We were going to just keep hating each other more and more as time went on. I had to bring this thing to a head, Savannah. There wasn't any other way. I am not necessarily proud of what I done. Part of me is really ashamed. But I don't think I could be saying these things to your right now if I hadn't done it," I said sharply. Savannah looked completely lost. Her mouth opened and then closed again and she shook her head.

"Okay, okay," she said, "you're right. This is my fault. I am sorry," Savannah said. For a moment, the words didn't register in my mind. She apologized? "look, we will help Claire find a new place and she will move out and it will just be the two of us. I didn't try...I wasn't trying to...This was a mistake and I didn't realize what would happen." She said. Her eyes were glassy, nervous.

For a moment, I just enjoyed my triumph. For the first time in my married life, I had won something. I had shown Savannah that she wasn't treating me with the proper respect and I had pulled an apology out of her. I imagined that this would put a little bit of a fright into her. Keep her on good behavior and ensure that she would not try to pull anything like this again for a long while. It was almost like she was giving some grudging respect. Now I had the advantage.

But the feeling of elation quickly wore off. Was that really the way that I wanted to think about my marriage? As a game in which both sides tried to score points off one another? If that was the future of my relationship with Savannah, was that any better, really, than me being a passive-aggressive doormat while she treated me like dirt? And what kind of positive change could I build in a relationship if that change was built on my infidelity? I realized that I hadn't really fixed anything, I'd just ended one revolution of a cycle. Another one was about to begin. Savannah would be on good behavior for a while, then she'd get bored, she'd treat me bad, I'd blow and do something crazy. Around and around, more nauseated on each pass.

I sighed and turned to look at Claire. She was staring at Savannah and trying to stay out of this. It seemed that she didn't want to intrude. Plus, getting an apartment and leaving was what she wanted anyway. But, despite herself, she turned and looked at me for a moment. I looked into her eyes and I was transported back, just a few minutes into the past, when I had held Claire in my arms as a lover. I thought about the pleasure we'd shared. The way I was working to bring her joy at the same time she was working for me. I didn't think about myself and Claire didn't think about herself. In doing so, we'd gotten something lovely, even if no one scored any points.

I thought about how we'd grown together in those moments, so much so that we could anticipate one another's actions. We didn't need to speak. We moved on the same rhythm, the same unstated connection. Wasn't that what a relationship was supposed to be about? I mean, I am not saying I knew I was supposed to be with Claire at that moment. We were clearly sexually compatible. But I mean, was that what every aspect of a relationship was supposed to be like? Weren't we supposed to become a single something that was more than the sum of our individual selves? Was there ever any way that I could see myself finding that now with Savannah?

"Come on Claire, get dressed. Go out and start looking for a new place," Savannah said sharply to Claire, almost like she'd never wanted her here in the first place. Claire began to rise on the bed. I threw my arm out, grabbing Claire's elbow. The room was totally silent and still for a long moment.

"No," I said. I wasn't thinking now. I was doing the only thing I could do. I was doing what was right. For everyone.

"No?" Savannah asked nervously.

"No," I said, "this is my house. You aren't on the mortgage. Claire is my guest. If she wants to stay. She can stay. If she wants to leave, she can go." Claire settled back down, but I could feel her nervousness next to me.

"I..." Savannah started, confused.

"But you do have to go Savannah," I said softly. But I looked at her as I spoke, keeping contact with her eyes. I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed. A little sad I guess. There was a time when I wouldn't have imagined this could happen.

"Go?" she asked, like she didn't understand the question.

"It's time for you to leave this house. Savannah, this isn't good for either of us. We bring out the worst in one another. You make me a weak, resentful, unhappy person. I make you manipulative and spiteful. I knew you a long time ago. You weren't like that. I wasn't like this. We are poisoning one another. And it has to stop. You need to go and find someone who likes you the way you are. Because...I just don't anymore. I will always love you Savannah. But you can't be my wife anymore. We won't ever be happy." I felt tears in my eyes that I hadn't expected as I said the last words. It wasn't that I regretted saying them. It was that they were true. How had we ever gotten here?

"I am...I feel blindsided," Savannah said, honestly.

"You know I am right though," I said, looking earnestly at my wife. She looked at me sharply for a moment. Then I saw her eyes soften. She shrugged her shoulders and bit her lip (she still looked beautiful). She made the slightest nod of her head, and then turned and walked out the door.

This would be the first in many conversations, I knew that. You can't just tear out the roots of the poison in your life all at once. Not when you had grown up intertwined with them. But I knew that there was no going back now. I had made a decision. I had come to a realization. Savannah had seen that too. Maybe she'd experienced her own revelation. We'd figure that out, as we broke apart the pieces of our lives, split up the shards, and took what belonged to each of us.

This wasn't over.

But, then again, it was.

The End

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YKN

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YKN