Mars Hill Ch. 03

"Better, but my nose hurts," I answered. 20 minutes earlier Claire had taken the cotton swabs out of my nose and it was still smarting from the removal of all that dried blood from the inside of my nostrils. "Do we know what's wrong with me?"

"Have you been feeling any fatigue or shortness of breath recently?" She asked. "Sweating at night? Getting sick more than usual?"

"Yeah actually I guess so," I replied. "I've been having all of that for a while now but I just thought it was some lingering cold that I wasn't able to get rid of. Nothing serious enough to come see a doctor about though."

"Well we did a bunch of blood tests last night and you are very anemic."

Shit.

"I think it would be prudent, given your history, to run some more blood tests and get you scheduled in for a PET scan, some X-rays and an abdominal ultrasound, and maybe a bone marrow biopsy, just to make sure we don't miss anything before we try to work out why you are anemic."

"Should I just take some iron pills?" I asked.

"That won't be much help. Your iron levels are fine, you just don't have as many red blood cells as we would like to see."

"Ok. I guess we can do the tests. I've been NEC for a few years now though."

"When was your last PET scan?" She asked.

"A while ago." I sighed.

"Well you would probably want to do one anyway just to be sure you are still clear. You should really be doing one once a year for the first few years and then if you are still NEC we would begin to spread them out further. You want to catch any relapse quickly."

I felt a bit guilty. I knew that I was supposed to get one done, but had just never booked the time to go in and do it. Secretly, I was happy to be NEC and didn't want that to change.

"We have you booked in for a Biopsy tomorrow at noon, and a PET scan the next morning. You will follow up with me two days later. We will have the results by then," she said, handing me a card with the details of all the tests and appointments that had been made for me.

"I'll see you in a couple of days." The Doctor said turning and walking out.

Claire came in afterward and removed my IV, letting me know that they were just working on my Discharge Papers and that Becca would be allowed in to keep me company until the paperwork was done.

When Becca came in I couldn't help but smile.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'll clean the bedroom as soon as I get home."

"You're sweet, but clueless." She said smiling at me, wrapping her hand around mine and stroking the top with her thumb. "If you don't clean blood right away it stains. I tried to save the bedroom but the sheets, pillows and mattress are ruined. I've already ordered a new mattress, it should be here tomorrow, and on the way home we can pick out new sheets and pillows. I cleaned the floor and the actual bed is safe, so at least it won't be too expensive to replace what was damaged."

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," she said.

"I didn't say it was my fault, I said I was sorry." I squeezed her hand.

"Yeah. I'm sorry too."

"Did you tell Aunt G?"

"Yeah. She called your parents too. Your mom wants us to call as soon as we leave the hospital. Dr. G said we can stay in their guest room until our mattress is delivered."

"That was nice."

"She's family, Jer."

"Then you probably better stop calling her Dr. Gillian. After all you're Dr. Rebecca now."

She smiled at me.

"Yeah. Family."

"Yeah... Look I asked for them to let you see me, over and over. But they wouldn't."

"I know. They told me."

"It's not for lack of trying, I mean."

"Jeremy," she kissed my cheek. "It's ok. We're family, we don't need the hospital's approval to make that true."

"Well I'll have to look into a way to make you next of kin if this turns out to be something serious."

"You could marry me," she said with a laugh.

"I don't want to marry you just to let you be in the room in a hospital. I want to marry you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"The sap meter is running high," she said, but she blushed and smiled as she turned to look away never the less.

Mom wasn't impressed with me when I phoned her after finally being discharged from the hospital.

"So you've been having nosebleeds for how long?"

"Since we came back from Australia."

"And why haven't you had them looked at yet?"

"I dunno mom. They weren't that bad. Until last night they only lasted for less than 10 minutes and I could control them. I thought it was just from dry air or something."

"So what are they doing about them."

I sighed. "They are gonna do some tests. They cauterized the bleeds last night and gave me fluids."

"What tests?"

"Lots of blood tests. I'm seeing a Hematologist."

"Have you got a PET scan booked, over a year late I might add?"

"Yes they are doing one and a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow."

"Jeremy, you need to do better. You know that you have a higher risk of getting sick again. You need to stay on top of this stuff."

"Yeah I know. I'll tell you how it goes. We're at Aunt Gillian's now. Gotta go bye."

"Take better care of my Son. Bye."

I pressed the disconnect button on my phone.

"We're not even close to Gillian's." Becca said, taking my left hand with her right and resting it on the centre arm rest.

"I know," I said, sitting back in the seat and resting my head on the headrest and closing my eyes. "I know she's right," I said after a moment. "I was stupid. I should have listened to her and stayed on top of tests and check ups."

"Yeah, you probably should have." She squeezed my hand.

"Yeah. Well I'm catching up now. Thing is though, I don't really know if it will make a difference. If something shows up then I will be sick, wether it's found now or last year. God, I'm just so sick of being sick, you know?"

"Yeah. I know. The would haves and should haves don't really matter now. What matters now is finding out why you're bleeding, and checking everything to make sure that you are still healthy and getting back onto the routine. This is just a scare that's all. Nothing to freak out about right?"

"Yeah." I was all yeah's today.

"You're all Yeah's today." Becca said.

I squeezed her hand and laughed.

And like that we drove into the parking lot of the mall. Considering I ruined the sheets and pillows in the first place, I didn't object to the floral pattern that Becca picked out for our sheets.

We bought them and then headed over to Aunt Gillian's.

She and Aunt Sam made us dinner and we told them all about our night in the hospital. Aunt Sam said that she knew Claire my nurse and that Dr. Jones was good, which gave me some relief. She looked a bit worried though about the test that had been ordered. I tried not to think about it too much.

The next day Becca and I went home. I felt lucky that it was her weekend, this would have been much harder on my own. She asked me if I wanted her to come to the clinic for the biopsy, but I said no. She should be home for when our new mattress was delivered so that we wouldn't need to ask Aunt G to spend another night in their guest room.

I'd had bone marrow biopsies before. Basically it goes like this. You show up and they make you change into a gown and like flat on this bed. Then they stick a bunch of freezing into your ass and hip and once it takes effect they stick two needles into your bone. One of them draws out a vial of blood and fluid from your marrow. The second actually removes a piece of the bone and the marrow. Getting the needle stuck into you really sucks. They are literally breaking your hip with a needle. And when they let the fluid out the pain doubles. It's all deep pressure and pain and when they are all done you have to lie flat on your back for half an hour to make sure you don't bleed out. Then you have to put on loose pants that won't press on the bandage and wound and can't lift anything for a week. All in all it really sucks ass. Get it? Ok humour aside it was awful. They send you for blood work immediately after getting the biopsy so I finally left with a hole in my butt and in both arms.

When I got home the mattress was there. The delivery people even brought it upstairs. It was rolled up and vacuum sealed in a box. Becca and I cut it open and she lifted it onto the bed frame and we cut open the plastic. Over the next couple of hours as the mattress inflated and hardened. I sat and tried to relax and recover, my hip was throbbing with pain, and when I was feeling a bit better made dinner. Becca had finished making up the bedroom and cleaning up the plastic and debris when dinner was ready.

After dinner I was exhausted and sore and went to bed. Becca climbed in beside me and we spooned until I fell asleep. I had my hand on her hip and the feeling of her across my chest and upper legs was reassuring and strong.

I tried not to think about what the outcome of the tests could be. But deep down I knew that if it was cancer, things would become very bad very quickly. It was the first time I allowed myself to really consider that I might have cancer cells inside me again. I gradually let myself come to accept that the life of a cancer victim might once again be my reality.

I woke up a lot during the night, both from pain and from just... unsettled dreams. I wasn't allowed to eat anything and had to drink a lot of water to make sure my stomach was flushed out and my blood glucose was in the right range before my PET scan. Becca drove me to the hospital and dropped me off. She had wanted to come in with me but I told her not to bother. She wouldn't be allowed to be with me the whole time I was getting the procedure done anyway, so may as well go home and save on parking at the hospital. I had made up the couch before the procedure so that I would have somewhere to sleep after the procedure.

I walked in to the nuclear medicine clinic. They layout was different to the one in Chicago, but deep down they were all the same. After handing over my ID to the receptionist, they gave me another bottle of water to drink and I sat in the waiting room until I was called. There were a lot of sick people in the waiting room. One man looked like he was on deaths door, even though he was maybe 35. It reminded me of what I used to look like. I looked away and tried not to think about it. The TV was showing some evangelical christian channel and it seemed like the people on tv knew they were on in a waiting room filled with desperate people, and that they were gleeful to have an audience of people who might not be thinking clearly to try to win over. Their sweet tone and gentle ministrations made me feel sick, I wondered why the hospital allowed this to be on the TV here.

"Jeremy?" A tech called?

"Yeah, that's me." I stood and walked down the hall to a small room.

"Have a seat." The tech pricked my finger to check my blood glucose.

I got a bandaid for my finger and the nurse lead me to another room, this one with a recliner and thick walls and a door. It was dimly lit. She handed me a heated gown and a bunch of heated blankets. Shivering can cause false positives on the PET scan. Then she started the IV and wheeled in a cart that was covered with lead shielding. She hooked the cart up to my IV and set a timer. She left the room and closed the big door. With a hum the machine pumped radioactive sugar into my blood. It didn't feel like anything. After turning off the machine and wheeling the cart out of the room the technician took out my IV and gave me more blankets and then I just sat in that room for 45 minutes. Not allowed to read or listen to my phone or anything. Just sit still and let the sugar bind to any active cells in my body.

I tried to not thing about what would happen if the results were positive. I just closed my eyes and focused on breathing. In and out. In and out. And staying calm.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew they knocked and came in to the room to take me to the PET/CT scanner. I lay on the table and it did its work. When completed I got changed and threw my gown into a yellow bag with a big nuclear hazard symbol on it. I wondered if they would be treated and cleaned or treated as hazardous waste.

Two days later I had my Doctor's Appointment. It didn't go well. Not. At. All.

"Jeremy, How are you feeling?" Dr Jones began.

"I don't know, why don't you tell me. I'm just trying not to freak out."

"Well I'll get right to it so you don't have to freak out any more. Your PET scan did show some areas of concern, specifically in your sinuses and your stomach. However the one that concerns me the most is next to your spine. It's difficult to say if it is just on the bone or if it is actually touching the spinal cord at this point. However, they are all relatively small, so going after them aggressively will really help to increase your quality of life and get you better faster."

Fuuuuuuuuck.

"So how did I go from NEC to full blown tumours in two and a half years?"

"It's hard to say. I think that when you had your surgery and last round of treatment that a few cancer cells may have survived and since they were so small they didn't get picked up on PET scans. They probably migrated and grew until now. The tumours in your sinuses are the likely cause of your nosebleeds. Do you have any tingling, numbness or weakness in your hips, legs and feet?"

"No."

"Ok that is a good sign that the tumour on your spine likely isn't causing your spinal cord any issues right now."

"What's the plan?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Well I would suggest that we start you on Chemotherapy, and use radiation therapy for your sinuses and spine. We can use Chemo pills for your stomach tumour. Surgery might still be an option as well. We will get you set up with an Oncologist and a Radiation Oncologist and together we will work out the details and confirm everything."

I must have looked absolutely crushed, or else she had delivered this sort of news so many times that she knew exactly what must have been going through my head because she said "It's not too late. Yes it would have been good if we had caught this earlier, but it's by no means hopeless. We will get you fixed up."

I left the clinic with even more appointments and tests booked to confirm everything, including another PET/CT scan to make sure there weren't any errors in the first one.

As I walked to my car I looked at my phone. A bunch of missed calls from mom. As I cleared the alerts she called again. I declined the phone call, and drove home. I felt like I had been assaulted, and that it was all my fault. Why hadn't I listened to my mom and booked my follow up PET scans. I was so stupid. Here I had through sheer laziness and fear probably gotten myself killed.

I sat behind the wheel of my car and cried, the phone continuing to buzz on the seat beside me. After pulling myself together I slowly set off for home, paying extra attention to the road so I could keep my mind clear and let my emotions fade.

Becca was back at work starting tonight so I walked into the house quietly and just kind of sat there and processed the news. I felt my face and abdomen to see if I could feel any lumps in there. Of course I couldn't, but it felt like I could feel them in there, taking on an awareness of something foreign and yet familiar inside of me again.

When Becca woke up a few hours later and came out to the living room she didn't need to ask. One look at her and I broke down in tears again. She silently began to cry as well, but she still came over to me and sat next to me. She took my hand and said "It doesn't matter Jeremy. We can get through this. You've done it before so you know how to do it well now. We will kick this cancer's ass even quicker this time."

I leaned my head against hers and we just sat quietly for a few minutes.

"I wanted to tell you first. I better call my mom now."

That didn't go well either.

Becca picked me up from my first Chemo session the next week.

I had allowed myself to sulk for one more day after getting the news. After that was up I made myself get up and get back into my routine. I have a touch of Cancer. That doesn't mean that I can't still be out and enjoying life. New attitude in hand I went for a run at the school gym in the morning before class. Chemo would take a lot out of me, so better build my strength up as much as possible now. Becca and I also changed our diets to include a lot more heathy food. Becca was always trim and slim, but I had packed on a few pounds in the last year and they began to fall away as I prepared myself for the fight ahead.

It's always surprising to me how much my mood influences the experience of the world. I decided I was going to be in a good mood. Positive and hopeful and making plans for the future, not putting everything on hold.

I went and got my head shaved at the local barber, much to Becca's chagrin. When she saw me with a bald head she couldn't help but laugh.

"You look ridiculous," she said giving me a hug.

I smiled. "If by ridiculous you mean totally hot and sexy, then yes I agree."

She giggled. "Even cutting off all of your hair isn't enough to make you ugly."

"As I said," I replied, "it's because I'm just intrinsically hot and sexy. You have to admit it. I'm awesome."

She giggled again and punched me lightly in the arm. "Ok there Narcissus"

The next night we went back up Mars Hill for an observation night. We weren't working which was strange for us.

Beth threw her arms around us when we walked through the door of the interpretation centre.

"Beth!" Becca said with surprise, "What are you doing working a night event?"

"I normally don't, but I'm down two of my best employees at the moment." She glared at us with fake anger then grinned at us. "It's nice to see you two. I had worried that you forgot about me up here on this hill."

"We could never do that," I said with a smile.

"After all it's almost entirely your fault that I ended up with this nut job," Becca teased, leaning into me and taking my hand.

"Ok, enough of the reunion. I've got guests to attend to. You guys have fun and don't forget you promised to help me out every once in a while so I can get a night off."

"Didn't you hire some new people?" Becca asked.

"Yeah, but they are not as good as you guys, so I have to keep an eye on them up close," she said to us. She turned and shouted "No Charlie, you can't open the presentation room doors yet, they are still watching the film. We have a timer right there above the door! You can't open it until the movie ends or you will light up the whole screen and they will miss the ending." She turned back to us "See what I mean?"

Becca and I nodded and headed out to the observatory grounds as Beth ran to correct another new staff member.

The cool autumn night felt refreshing as Becca and I walked arm in arm up the slight incline of the path towards the crown of the hill. The red footlights made the path glow with a peaceful shade of red, preserving our night vision.

"Where do you want to start?" I asked her.

"Let's see what they have on the 8 inch telescopes, and work our way around from there ending at the Clark."

"Sounds good."

They had Saturn on all the small telescopes. Saturn is cool, and most people want to see it, which is why they had it tying up so many telescopes, but I was a little disappointed in the lack of variety among the 8 inch scopes.

We walked over to the Clark and to my delight they had it on the Orion Nebula. We took our turns looking through the telescope at the blue and purple glow, where stars are born, and I remembered my second night in Flagstaff, when Becca and I went to 'make out point' on the drive up the hill and looked out at the stars, and she pointed this nebula out to me. One odd thing for many visitors is that when you leave the Clark you have to walk by Percival Lowell's tomb. Becca and I stopped at the grave and gave our respects.