All Comments on 'McKinley Manor Pt. 01'

Although long and slow developing I say well done. You have wetted the appetite and hopefully will continue with an other chapter.

The begining of a true love story.

Very erotic I love it can't wait for the next chapter!

Well drawn out plot and erotic storyline. Can't wait for the next installment.

Excellent plot and story line!

Please write chapter 2 soon.

I am looking forward to chapter 2

This was vey well thought out, written, and presented. It is almost like your heart was in it. Congrats!

His father knew his mom was abusive and left him there, not a very good father then is he

Please take your time but hurry up, me and other readers cant wait for part 2.

I loved the way u didn't rush the sex and built the story.

Damn! When's part 2 coming out???

Now it needs to get nasty! I love the way you describe Gretschen's full-figured body. I love that stocky, German farmgirl look. Reminds me of the women in my family, especially the way Gretschen's big booty jiggles. I'd love to read more about it, especially if she likes anal.

what a build up. Whatever happened to Stacey? If he had apologised and had a chat with her surely they could have patched things up.

Your character development is amazing! The angst and awkwardness surrounding Jake adds so much more realism to his character, as does the slow build up between him and Gretsch. You’re writing has left a wide variety of directions that this story can go and quite honestly I hope it incorporates them all. Keep up the excellent writing and I excitedly look forward to the next chapter.

I have to admit, I'm not much of a writer but I love a good story.

I will let on to you, dear readers, that there's a shred of truth to every good story. Enjoy and I hope I can find time to continue this because I'm loving how it's unfolding.

Gretsch

Excellent writing & great characterization but personally cannot stand cheating.

I haven't read chapter 2 yet, so you may have already worked on these things. However, I figured it would be good to write out, since I hadn't seen anyone else write them out in this chapter.

Character Development:

Other than Jacob's mother was apparently abusive to not only him and his father, there really wasn't a whole lot of character development. We know she was abusive, because in a couple instances it was described that way. We didn't get to "view" this pain because she was killed off so early. Well, other than when he describes the meal when Gretschen drops the dish. The only thing we can really tell at this point about Jacob is that he is a hard worker, which is evidenced by his jumping into the garden and helping Gretschen around the house. He is also good looking, and a bit shy when it comes to women. Which is typical of many kids his age.

Of Gretschen, we know she is younger than his father, comes from an affluent family who gifted her the house. She adores his father, is beautiful, and likes to work around the house on things. We know even less about his father, but that he was abused by Jacob's mother and he is hardly ever home. We don't really know why he is hardly home, what he does that drags him away, etc. We don't know why he left Jacob with someone who was clearly abusive and didn't apparently fight for him, or why he never visited or had his son visit him.

Relationship Development:

The relationship that is developing between Gretschen and Jacob, I feel you hit the nail on the head. This is well developing.currently. I like the slow build up. The only thing I didn't like too much was at the end. She just gave him the green light because his father said she could. You didn't develop the angst and guilt about their budding emotions, it was more clipped statements rather than flowing nuances.

The real sore point though, was the transitions or lack there of. One moment she is describing her dream, the next moment we're on Valentine's Day and Jacob's date. You should have some way of breaking that up. Either with words to the affect, or go the simpler route of a few ---, or ***, etc. This will help your audience to know that a break has happened in the timeline. The only other thing I can think of is you tend to flip flop between Gretschen and Gretsch a lot.

I like the plot, I like the idea, just thought I should give you some critique on the technical sides.

Beautifully written. I enjoyed every sentence. You are very talented. Thank you, D.

Stacy, only one writer I know has ever caught My imagination like You are with this story, he is Harold Robbins. ♥

Incredibly good at building sexual tension in the characters. Well done.

(12/20/2021) One word. Excellent! Five stars.