Moving On

So this was what it felt like for Pete all these years. The tables had truly turned.

She was so preoccupied with all she'd learnt and dealing with the ridiculous clown on her porch that she'd mentally dismissed the pissed off looking redhead striding up her driveway. In other circumstances, Jess might have noticed the woman was around her age, but looked pretty good. She was obviously uncomfortable with the heels she had on and dressed a little too young for her age. The look on her face was strangely familiar to Jess. It was only some time later that Jess realised that look reflected the desperation of a woman who obviously felt her dream man was slipping from her grasp. The same desperation she'd felt several times during the vacation she'd taken with Tyler in Florida when they'd been surrounded by women she felt were potential rivals who could steal Tyler from her.

"Who is she? Is she your whore?"

If it weren't for the waves of anger she felt radiating from the redhead, Jess might have laughed. Up close, the faint lines beginning to emerge round her eyes betrayed the redhead's age.There was also the tan line indicating a missing band on her finger. It was probably juvenile, but Jess felt shame recognising that her adulterous affair was probably one of a line of misdeeds that thoroughly reflected a kind of modus operandi for Tyler — she wasn't even unique — she was just a statistic.

So this is what it feels like to be played for a fool!

At some point in the past, Jess might have felt devastated at another clear sign that her dream man was clearly an unfaithful bastard. Yet the Jess who stood looking at her lover that July evening felt only a twinge of loss. What overwhelmed her was a tidal wave of regret and anger; anger at Pete's stupid ideas, anger at the thoughtless young punk ruining lives without care and if she were to be honest, anger at her own blindness and pride that led to terrible choices.

Tyler had obviously been so startled by the redhead's appearance that he stepped back, looking blankly from one woman to the other for several minutes. The redhead looked Jess over, from head-to-toe. So scathing was the disgust in her expression that Jess brought her hand over her belly protectively, almost as a shield against the toxic atmosphere that suddenly enveloped them.

"So it wasn't enough that you had to have those young college girls as side dishes, you have to go after an older one too and knock her up?" The redhead screeched.

Tyler had backed away, the wary look in his eyes reminded Jess painfully of the night he'd chosen to run at the threat that Mark Draper was coming for him. Except it was worse in this case. Now, he was backing off from a woman he'd obviously hit on, choosing to ignore the one who was carrying his child.

"Baby, calm down, it's not what you think—"

The couple in front of her continued their argument with frequent screeches, cussing and wild hand gestures. Jess watched them as she watched all those ridiculous reality TV shows. Their words no longer made any sense to her. All she felt was a sudden tiredness that made her feel like going back into the house and shutting the door on all the drama.

Geez, all they need is a judge or a host and an audience — maybe I should just yell 'Cut'!

Her shoulders started to shake with suppressed laughter. Her life had become a bad episode of reality TV and she wasn't even paid for it. Tyler kept looking over and giving her pleading looks that seemed to say "Save me!" Jess barely restrained an eyeroll. Much as she would have preferred to silence the inappropriate humour she'd found hidden in that situation, it finally burst forth as a series of loud guffaws.

A few months ago, Jess might have found the whole situation extremely distressing. She would have been in tears, frantically asking Tyler what was going on, hoping for reassurance that everything would be alright. And she did ask the night he ran away. All he did was retreat and promise he'd return. Well, he'd returned alright. Bringing trouble and another woman trailing behind.

Neither the redhead nor Tyler seemed to find the same humour she found in the situation. They both glared at her like she was a lunatic.

Sobering slightly, having got her snorts and giggling under control, Jess decided to cut to the chase.

"What do you want, Tyler?"

The young man seemed taken aback by her direct manner and shuffled his feet before answering. Evidently, a Jess who was not submissive and ready to be commanded by the sex god that he was made him uncomfortable.

"I, ah, I just wanted to see how you were, Baby," he muttered. "I was worried Pete would treat you bad after I left."

"If you were so worried, why did you leave?"

"I had to. Pete, he was crazy! He even told that crazy policeman where I was—"

"So you were afraid some angry ex-husband was going to find you? Why? You weren't afraid of Pete?"

Tyler glowered but remained silent.

"Why? Was Pete right? You were afraid because Draper has a gun? Why would you be afraid? Aren't you always the brave, big man? You did nothing wrong. You were just satisfying his wife when he couldn't get the job done. He was out. You were in. So why run? Were you afraid?"

Jess was aware that her questions sounded like taunts and they made Tyler angry. She could see the flash of fury in Tyler's eyes. His fists clenched promising violence. Fear flashed through her. On the back of it came defiance fuelled by anger and contempt.

"You trying to embarrass me? You're just like Pete!"

Tyler advanced menacingly towards her but Jess refused to back down.

"Pete was right, wasn't he? You're a coward! You only bully those whom you think are weak!"

With a roar of an angry animal, Tyler clenched his fists tight and came at her. Jess turned to run, self preservation having taken precedence over anger. She felt her hair pulled back. Tyler was loudly cussing at her while there was loud shrieking. As she spun towards the porch steps, Jess saw Tyler's face contorted with anger before the redhead's stunned expression flashed by. Then she felt numbing pain as a hard object hit the side of her jaw. As the world around her started to descend into darkness, Jess felt pain swamp her when her belly hit one object after another. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. Tyler's stunned expression, the redhead screaming, a stranger with a moustache yelling at her. Nothing made sense. The last thing she recalled before everything went black was the blood, so much blood, everywhere...

****

The happy gurgles of the twins brought Jess back to the present. The forlorn, wistful look on her face as she stared at the twins made Pete's heart twist something fiercely. He knew what had brought that look on the beautiful face of the woman he once loved. A woman he'll probably still love in some small corner of his heart till the day he left the earth. The last four years were personal journeys through hell he never imagined triggering with the suggestions he made to Jess that sprung from his fantasies and greatest fears.

The pain and grief he'd experienced at the hands of Jess and her adulterous lover formed scars that still hurt every time something roused those memories he tried to bury. There were times he'd woken up with a pounding heart, sweat and tears pouring down his face, convinced that he'd lost everything. It took him months with the same counsellor Jess consulted before the nightmares and panic attacks abated. He thought he'd managed to deal with the whole ordeal the day he'd driven away with the boys for a trip to Calumet.

It was after he'd put the boys to bed and was about to have a beer before going to sleep himself that he received the call. It was Conrad whose nerves sounded out clear in the shaky mumbling he could barely comprehend. All he heard was "Jess...hospital..emergency" before his mind went blank. Another familiar voice took over on the other side and gave him the address. He didn't stop to think who it was. All he remembered was carrying his sleeping sons into the car and driving back with a desperate prayer for Jess to stay alive till he got back to her side.

He remembered driving the boys over to his sister's with a hasty explanation before he sped off to the hospital. He feared the worst when he saw a pale-faced Conrad pacing near the hospital entrance. Fury rose, making it hard for him to breathe, as his ears picked up the name Tyler.

"The bastard! He beat her?" Pete yelled, not heeding the stares cast his way. A firm hand placed on his shoulder made him turn his head. To his surprise, he saw the sombre face of Mark Draper, who had appeared behind him in the time he'd taken to get some information from Conrad. Pete found himself watching the moustache as Draper described the scene he'd witnessed when he'd decided to check on their mutual acquaintance Tyler.

Draper's apologetic manner puzzled Pete till he mentioned that Tyler's latest girlfriend seemed to have noticed his presence and alerted Tyler. It emerged later from Tyler's statement that his girlfriend had asked Tyler if he knew the moustached man who had been seen in their neighbourhood. The redhead herself noted in her statement down at the local police station that she'd noticed Tyler's odd reaction on hearing about the man with the moustache. She woke to the sound of an engine starting up in the early hours of the next morning and had seen Tyler driving away. Furious that Tyler had abandoned her after she'd left her husband, the redhead had jumped into her car and followed Tyler. She'd almost lost sight of Tyler's car several times but managed to relocate him. When she saw him pulling into the Mapplethorpe driveway and talking to the pregnant blonde woman, she realised her ex-husband's scornful condemnation of the younger man she'd met at a trade show was probably true. Unable to tolerate the ego blow and rankled by the fact that the lover she'd given most of her money to was now with another older woman who didn't prove more attractive than herself, the redhead had decided to confront the pair. So intent were all three of them on quarrelling that no one noticed the moustached man who had sparked the panic back in Kentucky was observing them from his car in front of a neighbour's house.

Pete understood Draper's feelings of guilt and did feel some momentary resentment against the friend he'd made because they had suffered similar pain and humiliation at the hands of Tyler. Besides, he felt some guilt for having intensified Tyler's paranoia in a bid to reclaim his home and family.

That guilt intensified when the doctor informed him that Jess suffered a miscarriage and there was permanent damage that made it virtually impossible for her to get pregnant again. An already fragile Jess became hysterical before lapsing into a catatonic state after the doctor's diagnosis was revealed. Not even the sight of the boys helped. She kept crying and apologising to Pete and their sons though Pete had reassured her that he no longer blamed her. She'd gone ahead and pressed charges against Tyler but didn't appear in court for the trial. She'd barely reacted when news of Tyler's jail sentence was announced. She'd merely turned her head aside and cried for the child and dreams she'd lost. In the darkest period, Jess had attempted suicide several times, much to the distress of Pete and her family.

It took almost three months of being confined to a psychiatric ward in the hospital for Jess to recover. When she was released, Pete ensured she received counselling to ease her way back to normality. Pete himself sought counselling, hoping to rescue his marriage. It was during those dark days that Pete met his second angel. He'd always believed Jess was the angel who hovered beyond his reach. Yet the dark-haired angel he'd met several times at the counsellor's while waiting for Jess to complete her sessions slowly made her way into a heart he'd kept tucked away after the debacle with Tyler and Jess. He'd largely forgiven Jess after seeing how she'd suffered after those acts of betrayal and the choices she'd made. What he found most difficult was trying to forget. He'd even sold the house he and Jess had bought because Tyler had defiled the place. He'd delayed taking up the job in Cleveland and was ragged from running to and fro between cities.

His exhaustion made him numb and only the soft, warm smile of Betty, the counselling assistant, made life bearable. Gradually, he found himself opening up about the deep secrets, shame and pain he'd suffered. He'd expected, even feared, Betty shrinking away from him in disgust as he revealed the role he played in the tragedy that almost resulted in him losing his family and everything he'd worked so hard to build. The relief he felt when Betty had accepted him for what he was made everything look that bit brighter. It also marked the birth of that flare of attraction which drew him and Betty together.

He'd been hesitant to push the relationship beyond friendship while Jess still needed his help. Jess, it seemed, held out hope for reconciliation.

And Pete knew dashing that hope would effectively destroy the woman he loved, the mother of his sons. For the longest time, Pete refrained from acting on his attraction to Betty .

Ironically, it was Jess who eventually noticed the looks that passed between them and the obvious sparks that flared. She'd liked the younger woman who seemed mature beyond her years. A new friend who was willing to listen and not be judgemental. Gradually, the counselling she received from Betty's colleague made her realise the degree of hurt she'd caused Pete. Deep inside, she knew her love for Pete and their family had been eclipsed by her selfish desires and vanity .

How else could a loving wife have committed such betrayal? What other reason could there be for my willingness to throw everything away for Tyler?

It hurt when she realised Pete had finally found someone else. That that someone was good to him and was kind to her didn't take away much of the pain of loss, but it did keep her from falling over into that abyss of despair she teetered on the edge of. While some part of her still clung to the faint hope for reconciliation, that last bit of good in her recognised that she could finally make up somewhat for the pain she'd caused the man she'd loved at some point before she discarded that love and the man himself like so much garbage.

Pete deserves some happiness. Happiness untainted by the pain of memories that would never truly fade.

Still, that very human side of Jess couldn't resist the urge to make that last ditch attempt at grasping her fading marriage. Could sand that slipped through her careless fingers be held firm?

Jess found her answer that Saturday night when she cooked dinner for the first time in ages. She and Pete were alone at his apartment, Petey and Andy having that sleepover at their aunt's. It was slightly awkward between the two of them. Pete was still undecided over Betty and had delayed moving to Cleveland. Jess knew instinctively that the husband who stood by her through all the dark days would return to her side if she only asked. She kept the alcohol flowing and when Pete's lips closed over hers with an urgency and heat she'd not noticed in years, Jess knew happiness was within her grasp.

That night, she learnt what passion accompanied by love could achieve. She'd been nervous all day, worried that Pete would be repulsed by her body, a body which bore unmistakable signs of the toll exacted by age and misfortune. The ghosts of the past also seemed to hover, threatening to intrude on the fragile cove she'd created. Yet, Pete's gentleness touch and his unflagging effort in ensuring her pleasure wiped away the last traces of her memories of Tyler. Pete pounded into her and she learnt that size was an extra that mattered little in that moment. The cry of climax torn from her throat that night came from the heart she'd thought was forever destroyed by Tyler.

Moved to tears, she'd slowly extricated herself from Pete's arms as he dozed off in the afterglow of lovemaking. Happiness was right there, the very same happiness she'd shredded and trashed.

Just when it lay within reach, Jess pushed happiness away. It was not for any hunky young punk with a big cock. Certainly not for any shallow mirage of the greatest lover she'd ever had penetrate her. No, it was for that very ordinary man who had allowed her to hurt him beyond comprehension and belief. The average, unassuming Pete who had run off the cocky coward and helped her pick up the pieces when everything crumbled around her. He deserved better and Jess realised she'd grown a conscience.

Wiping her tears away, Jess spent the last night in the embrace of the only man who had really loved her. When morning came, she presented Pete with breakfast, a kiss and the papers that set him free. Her resolve almost crumbled at the sight of Pete's sad teary eyes. Their eyes locked and in that long silence, love lost and recovered was conveyed. Jess gifted Pete with that brilliant smile he loved, her icy blue eyes clear and loving. That was the day their marriage ended. That was also the day Jess learnt what love truly meant.

****

The same smile appeared on Jess' face as she watched the Pete she loved put that ring on another woman's finger and spoke those vows she regretted breaking. She'd caught Betty's glance and apologetic expression along with Pete's smile and sad eyes. She looked up into the bright blue sky, shimmering with heat and the promise of a new beginning and discovered she could smile again. Betty and Pete's gurgling twins no longer made her sad. She laughed along with Petey and Andy as the happy couple drove off, sending her best wishes for them on the breeze.

I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm Moving On

Rascal Flatts

The End

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