All Comments on 'Moving to San Diego Pt. 04'

I have enjoyed the story so far but your dialog is painful! Here are three examples but there are many more:

"Who can make us leave? We were driving by and could see that there were a party with plenty of beer and girls, and we decided to join,"

"Get onto your knees and push your breasts together. Then I will push my cock in between them and if you bend your head and take my head into your mouth, then it will just be fine,"

"Oooohhhh, Jason. You're killing me. Please stop, no continue, no stop. Ahhhh, keep on pleasing me,"

Try speaking that out loud and ask yourself if anyone speaks that way. Write like people actually talk. Great plot, but almost unreadable.

I think you need to keep the series going, leave out fight scenes make more between step mom and maybe add one girl to mix things up..

Love the story but as the other commentators wrote, your diction makes it hard to read. " Hey, I'm Jason and have just transferred from New York" Who talks like this? Or "Now you'll have me excused; I'll have to find my classroom?" it doesn't have to be perfect grammar structure, it sounds better like " Hey, Jason. I've just moved from New York. I'ma go now gotta find my class." And the cockiness of the character? You must not know football because even the most skilled corner or safety won't rack up 3 picks in a practice. And "put it in between your breasts?" Should be like put it in between your tits or something. Sorry but you definitely need an editor and to learn how people talk nowadays.

It's true, It's true; your dialog could use an editor. But, I do like the story and I like the way it's going. I can even adjust to "couch" instead of "coach". I suspect that you may not have taken typing in school. And, even if you had there are times when your finger hits the wrong key.

To cut to the chase, don't take the criticism too much to heart, keep going.

awsome story keep going i love it

very good story , keep going and bring us pt.5 soon;

you should put more nasty stuff in it like the facial she just got , more of this would be welcome ; she could use his cum as skin cream for example

I don't criticism you for your style and don't suggest you to have an editor, I find your story very good. If I have an idea to suggest, I will like you show Jason like the man who take care of his stepmom and also of his future girlfriend and those of his male friends, because I trust his reputation will grow when he have defended his friends against a gang, and so I think that the whole will like to know him better, and he will give oneself of a good reputation in his college.

Will there be more to this story

Nicely Written!!!! :-)

I love this style of sex stories. Only reason I would suggest a editor is to fix grammar mistake ( I'd be looking for one myself if I wrote stories.) But what I'd love most was the pool game with Lisa. I'd wish he had others play that game.

Nice story, good plot, but you need an editor for the grammatical errors .