by raiderdrm
There are commas needed, quotation marks and make sure the pronouns match. Hell, if you need someone, I'll volunteer. You have a good story line, but it needs some work that won't piss off guys like me.
You still need 2 others involved; Raye and her daughter need to dance and have sex on stage, and Raye and her son.
I love the mother and daughter duo. Would love to do both of them!, Thanks