by Peglegparrot
Two times in the first couple of sentences.
And stories in the second person never work.
...mistakes than that - spelling, punctuation, word choice, tense. Man, you hit them all.
Why was he telling what happened to her if she was there with him and lived all that? So 1*
Hottest story ever!!!! Please write some more!!!
Hate the grammar. This could have been a 5 if j267 had written it. As it is; barely a 1.