All Comments on 'Navy Whore Ch. 01'

..ummm... I'm not quite sure just what to say.

There was A LOT going on there.

It was an interesting read but one that I am struggling to classify. Was it erotica?.. was it the design brief for a video game?.. was it a dystopian vision of the near future?..

It was kind of a mish-mash of all that and more.

The events portrayed in these three pages would, I think, have been better written in three or more chapters. Far too much rapid switching between disparate events. Not enough build up or interaction between characters.

It was like a film watched at double speed.

Slow down and tell a story. Don't just cobble together scenarios.

Also, decide first whether this is erotica, navy thriller or biography and then stick to it. I found myself confused as to what I was supposed to be concentrating on. The reader is lead down the path of lascivious enjoyment of Lees debasement but then we don't get to hear how she either enjoys it or otherwise before we are suddenly into complex military tactics. It can be most disconcerting when one finds oneself reading about naval strategy with a hand still on ones genitals from the sentence before!

Slow down... you don't have to get it all into a thousand words or less.

Be wary of written speech in the middle of paragraphs.

Be mindful of the overuse of a characters name.

Watch for the change of narrative person. Stick to either third or first person and DON'T MIX. I only caught two errors here but when the prose moves at such a pace it really does trip the reader up.

Consider a proof-reader.

Great imagination.. good plot.. could do better on the execution. And, for heaven's sake slow down!

the tale here reaches Comic Book proportions, TK U MLJ LV NV

Was this 3 pages of garbage for? Definitely need a new category called TOTAL SHIT stories. Aside from the hilarious content misspellings grammar point of view etc. Please dont inflict readers with anymore trash like this abortion until you pull your head out of your ass! Minus 1000 stars isn't enough but oh well.

DragonRider55