OK Ch. 06-09

"I feel nauseous now every time I think of him and me..."

She stopped. John knew exactly what she hesitated to say.

"I would like to believe that," John said at length. "What you have to do is prove it. Can you prove it?"

"I... I don't know how," she said. "Some of the girls know all about it."

"Oh, yeah," he mocked. "Your friends would lie for you, wouldn't they!"

"No!" she expostulated. "They'll..."

That was then she saw his grim smile, and remembered that she had said the same thing to Tom in the pub.

She half smiled back at him. "Yes, I said as much to Tom after you left the pub."

"Yes, he told me. Mind you," John said, "you could always concoct a report for me."

"John."

"Yes."

"That's not funny."

"No it's not," he said, "and it wasn't funny in the pub either. You couldn't trust me."

"I know!" she said, clearly having an idea. "If I can prove it, will you forgive me?"

"I already have," he said, "but I need closure. I need to be certain of the truth. It'll help me get on with my life."

Her eyes opened wide. "You mean with your girlfriend in London?"

"Tracy and I - and her three flatmates - had an understanding. It was never permanent, but it took the edge off my frustration and my loneliness without you."

She began to cry again. John got up and went to her chair, pulling her to her feet. He took her in his arms and hugged her. He held her until she quietened.

"So," he asked gently, holding her away from him to look into those wonderful wounded eyes, "the proof?"

She nodded, left his arms and went home.

John stood in the empty hallway and wondered why he had hugged her and been so kind. He did not feel that way now she'd gone. He suspected he'd given her the wrong idea. Then he thought that when he rejected her after her 'proof' it would serve her right. He smiled but he did not feel good, in fact deep down he felt a little ashamed of himself.

Later that afternoon, there was another ring at the door.

He opened it to see Gary and Lee with Carol on the step.

"Come to beat me up again?" John asked stony-faced. "Want to trash the house again, Lee?"

"Can we come in?" Carol asked. "I promise, no violence."

John stood back. The brothers looked sheepish as they passed him, but Carol had a resolute and satisfied look on her face.

They went to the living room and sat down, John and Carol on armchairs and the two brothers on the sofa.

"Go on!" Carol ordered her brothers.

"We buggered things up!" said Gary.

"We're right fucking fools," added Lee.

"And?" commanded Carol.

"Listen, John," said Gary. "You know we never liked you. You were from the posh part of town and we're council estate. We thought Carol was a fucking fool when she said she wanted you. She was a stupid cunt, we thought, for trying to marry up. And Liam always said he fancied her."

Lee said "And we thought-"

"We thought," interrupted Gary, "she'd be better off with Liam, he's our sort. So when he came back with those pics and the report, we thought all our fucking dreams came true. So we helped him."

"Sorry about doing you over," said Lee. "We got carried away. Anyway, after the divorce, she was so fucking depressed we knew then we'd fucked up."

"So we got Liam to go for her," said Gary, "but she wouldn't let him near her. Until-"

"Until," said Lee, "Liam said his mates told him you were shacking up with some bint down there, so we told her. Then she let him date her."

Gary seemed to gather himself, and then said, "Carol says it was all a mistake. That PI got it wrong. You didn't shag that slag: she was drunk and you helped her out. Sorry about buggering your lives up. We were bang out of order. Carol would like to get with you again. We'd like that too. She won't be happy until you do."

John listened. He knew what it cost these two simple brothers of their intelligent sister to apologise. He wondered if Carol and the brothers had the same father, they were so different. He also knew that they were in awe of their sister and worshipped her. It warmed his heart.

However they had indeed 'buggered his life up', though somehow he could not dredge up any hatred or anger. It seemed Liam had concealed the truth from the brothers as well, and they were not intelligent enough to see that even if the 'PI got it wrong' Liam would have known the truth. John just felt numb, and couldn't be bothered to enlighten them; Carol could do that and he wondered why she hadn't already.

"Well, lads," he said after a pause, during which he regarded them and they looked more and more uncomfortable, "Thanks for that. As to getting back with Carol, that's to be seen, if it happens at all. There's a lot to get over - come to terms with.

"Now," he said, "I'd like to talk with Carol."

The men stood and left the house.

"Proof enough?" asked Carol anxiously.

"Proof enough."

"So?" she prompted.

"So, it's taken three years of agony to get you to see I did nothing wrong. So, in the meantime you had a whale of a time with a new man. So, you hurt me deeply and acted with violence and bitterness without giving me a chance to defend myself. So, I know the truth, and now you know the truth as well. That's it, that's the 'so'."

John was angry. Surely she didn't expect him to want her after all she did to him? Just clear up the details and expect everything to be lovey-dovey? Not likely!

"But... us?" she asked.

She did! John was amazed. Three years of agony and injustice, she says sorry and he was supposed to take her back?

"I don't think there is an 'us', is there?" he said starkly. "I seem to remember you divorced me."

Now she was looking more and more unhappy as her hopes began to fail.

"I thought... I mean..."

"What did you think, Carol?"

"Didn't you work to tell me the truth when you got back here so we could work at getting together again?" she asked looking puzzled.

"No," John made the word sound surprised. "I simply wanted you to know how wrong you were to condemn me without trial. I wanted you to know exactly what agony you put me through for three long years. That's all."

"Oh."

There was a long pause, as if she was wondering what to say. John waited.

"John, I really am so sorry."

She sniffed and there were tears in her eyes. "So there's no hope for me with you? I know now that even when I went overboard with my hatred of you, it was because I had loved you so much. I missed you all the time you know. It was only when I was told you had another woman and had moved on that I agreed to go with Liam."

"You divorced me then hung around in case I came back? After the violence and you cutting me off so absolutely? Don't be ridiculous! Did you make any effort to see if the story of my liaison in London had any truth in it before jumping into bed with that toe-rag?"

"Well, no."

"But you jumped into bed with Liam anyway."

She was silent. Then she said plaintively, "Please, is there no chance at all?"

He looked at her for a long time. He saw how beautiful she was. He remembered their time together, how he lusted after her and did everything in his power to win her.

He realised he was still very attracted to her; she was a real turn on for him, but the three years lay on him like a heavy weight and it was a weight he could not seem to shake off. He wanted to be honest with her.

"When you thought I had cheated," he said gently, "you acted quickly, viciously and irrevocably. There was no way to get you to stop and talk about it, and look where it's got us. Divorce, you with another man, me with other women... "

She started at that. She thought he had had a relationship with one woman, and she had not picked up on his use of the plural 'liaisons'. Now it seemed he had slept around over those three years? He couldn't have been so upset with the divorce then, could he? He saw her expression and interrupted his flow.

"You thought I had one relationship with one woman? We liked each other and we enjoyed each other, no strings. You think that this made your betrayal any the less? They comforted me, that's all. They showed me that some women can comfort someone without strings. They showed me more clearly the difference between your love and theirs.

"But I'm off the point. You acted unilaterally and left me no room to change things. Fine, I've learned from that, and the fact you're here at all shows you have as well. So I won't close all doors, but things are different from when we started going out. I admit it was total lust when we first met. It was lust that first drove me. That's not going to be enough this time.

"We're three years older; we've been three years apart and living different lives. I'll be honest with you, I am still very attracted to you physically, but that puts you on a level with my girlfriends in London. I am still hurt Carol, and still angry that everything was taken away from me so violently.

"You want me? You'll have to find a way to get me over all that. Your problem not mine. I've got a business to run here, and I'm going to be busy for the next few weeks and months. If you really want me, you have to change my feelings about what you did. Get me over it."

"How do I do that?"

"As I said: not my problem. I didn't get you into this mess, you did that all by yourself. Get yourself out of it."

It was a harsh statement but John did not feel gentle or accommodating.

She looked at him. Then she smiled bleakly at him.

"I'd better be going," she said. "I will win you back, John. Somehow I will win you back, but I'll tell you this: if you never have me back, I'll wait for you. All my life if I have to. I need to suffer not having you, as you suffered not having me. That's my punishment for what I've done."

She got up, went to him, bent and kissed his lips, slowly, softly and deliberately, as if challenging him to reject her advances. He didn't, but neither did he react. She straightened, smiled at him sadly and moved towards the door.

He followed her, and saw her out, waiting until her car had disappeared down the road. Neither of them waved.