All Comments on 'Oliver, Jess and I Ch. 01'

Bring on the next chapter.

That you VERY much. Your appreciation is appreciated!

You'll be glad to know I just submitted the next chapter and it's awaiting approval at the moment.

I hope you like that one too, it ties up this particular experience!

I gave this chapter a 4+ [(☆☆☆☆+) 4.45/5.0 = 89% = A]

To ImaginativeCouple:

Good job.

Keep up the good work please,

but don't forget that there is room for improvement!

Thank you! Really fantastic feedback!

Chapter 2 is still pending and I hope you like what I wrote!

Always always ALWAYS room for improvement, I agree!

Where do you think I should look at starting?

Also a big thank you to anyone who voted for this! I didn't realise there was a voting option when I wrote it and it's a nicer surprise to see its not doing bad!

It really means a lot and makes me want to write more, thank you.

ImaginativeCouple, you have started this story in the first person, which means that the story teller can only know and write about what he actually witnesses or what he feels about what is happening.

He cannot know what other people are doing when he's not there or know how they are feeling about things. In your story the narrator is not in the house and yet he is describing the actions and feelings of the two people who are.

The only way these actions and feelings can be included in a first-person narrative is to have the two characters tell the first-person narrator afterward as part of the story.

So, without warning, the story switches to third person. As a third-person narrator you are not a character yourself and can have all sorts of insights into your characters' thoughts and actions. And yet your story sounds as though it is still the first-person narrator telling it while having third-person insights.

The idea of your story has potential as the three-way relationship develops. But the execution of the story needs lots of work.

Lue

Thank you for the amazingly detailed feedback, it's the kind of feedback that can really help me improve.

If I may, can I counter explain myself a bit to see if it improves anything?

I switched the narration from 1st to 3rd a few times just to develop the story. It's meant as me telling the story - after it happened. I wrote it as if I was recounting the full story, the parts I was absent in the story were later reveled to me, in a journal or to someone.

Does this improve anything?

I'd love your thoughts on how to develop the three of us into another story.

IC, your explanation is fine, in that it was what was going on in your mind when writing the story. But, as a reader, it wasn't what was going on in my mind and thus my comments about what I saw as weird structure.

And while I found the concept of your story interesting, that was partly because the situation was so far from my personal experience. Thus I can't be of much help as to where you should take it.

I have recently said to other authors "write your stories for yourself, and if any readers comment that they liked it too, consider it to be a bonus". I tried once to write a story because readers requested it, and it was painful. I suggest that you write from your own ideas the things you like, not what others propose.

Lue

Yeah, I need to consider how others read my story. Obviously not everyone is thinking what I am.

Thanks for the feedback and vote of confidence, I'll take it with me to my next story!