All Comments on 'Once Upon a Time'

I see you're a pretty new author here , thank you for sharing your stories with us.

First , this really seemed to be rushed in the important places , and drug through some of the not so important places.

For example , you go into pretty great detail about setting up the hidden cameras , and the dealings with the lawyer , you were setting up the climatic scene . But then you simply skipped over the climax like it wasn't even there !

That's the meat in the sandwich ! That's why we read these types of stories !

You set up the confrontation with all of the cheaters , and then with absolutely no mention of it , he's in a RV back east.

A year or two back , a certain author on this site posted a couple of stories under a different username ( RL Mann ) , this almost feels like the same thing . If you are a new guy , then I apologize for the accusation . But this is just Hookie as hell.

Really skipped the interesting parts. Stories, all stories revolve around conflict. You managed to skip the real conflict. As a result, the story got dull.

not complete are there missing pages ? why did his wife do this what happend to her and his employes ? he woke up from a dream ? w/ a knot on his head ? and still thought it was a dream wifes actions made no sense sry 2* ps how come ALL the heros sell their small biz. for Millions an ride off into the sunset ?stlcris

You are right. I am new at this. Help me learn, teach me. Thanks.

spell check.

However, we need to find out more. Was it a dream or did it really happen?

What about his children? Were they even his kids?

A part 2 would be a great read, I think.

I have submitted Part 2 of this story to address the concerns of those mentioned by some of the comments. I really appreciate those comments. Thanks for them. Also I a currently writing more stories and have submitted another called "I'm a Trucker". The intent is to get my feet wet and open up some dormant creative juices. With your help I can and will improve. Again thanks for all comments, whether constructive or destructive. I read all of them hoping to gain insight as to what you the readers want. Again, Thanks for reading.

This was a detailed synopsis. No confrontation, no reasons given for the wife and friends doing all of this to him. Someone should have said something in their conversations that his surveillance system could pick-up. Emotions were missing.

Even though reality can be stranger than fiction, it is not as entertaining.

B_Bailey gave you 2*s.

Learn from this and write some fiction, please🎭.

Thanks B_Bailey.

AMerryman

I have to agree with the others in regards to the rushed ending, and no explanation why his wife was cheating. My biggest concern is there was no dialogue between the characters. With dialogue we become more intimate with the characters. Narration is boring. I did like the premise to the story, but could have been so much more. Stories without dialogue get a 3 from me, and go downhill from there depending on the story. I gave you a 3.

Started out okay but, it went down hill fast!

*****Good BTB read very entertaining. Thanks for sharing.