All Comments on 'Pale Blue Light'

Unrealistic story aside, you could use an editor.

There is a definite choice of style being used here, with a lot of back and forth, choppy dialogue that carries the story along. At the start of the story, who is saying what is confusing, but that improves along the way.

The narrative is confused, in that it is from the pov of the naive gamer who doesn't seem to notice the girl and his father getting nasty next to him, yet goes into detail on what is really happening in the next paragraph. Then the story ends with Mickey finally learning the truth and has his father humiliate him.

I think the writer is competently literate and trying out a style they want to use, but the story itself does nothing for me. No laughs, no tears, no boners. If there were points for the extreme humiliation of your father mocking you sexually, they might apply here, but that is a narrow field of kink to which I do not subscribe.

Its hard to keep track of as you keep switching from 1st person. Need to work on your grammar too, but dont give up - use this critisism to improve your work.

Need I say more?

In several parts it's difficult to know who's speaking to who, but with a few edits this could be a great story. It's a sexy idea. Keep developing it.

Are you even old enough to be on this site? More juvenile ‘fantasies’