Pathetic Ch. 05: Dating

I smiled at that. "Thanks, Justin. Although, I don't think I can really say no to holding hands. Doesn't seem like such a big deal when you remember that you grabbed my ass last night." Justin's jaw dropped as he blushed furiously. His shock quickly turned to amusement as I laughed at his expense. He shook his head and chuckled to himself as he opened the passenger door for me.

A few hours later, we shared our thoughts about the movie at a local restaurant after ordering some wine. So far, the night had been great. We shared a large bucket of popcorn and of course ended up eating more than we should have. Our hands were together when we weren't stuffing our faces.

I thought I caught him watching my lips on the straw as I drank some pop several times. It gave me this warm rush in my stomach that I hadn't really felt before. I think it was the thrill that someone was making feel like I was actually sexy. It was something I could certainly get used to fast.

It was nice to have someone who's thoughts and opinions were so aligned with my own. We agreed on essentially everything about the movie. I felt that somewhere down the road that I could allow myself to open to Justin. Who better to with than someone so similar to myself? We talked throughout the entire dinner, without any awkward moments of silence. We fed samples of our food to each other, teased, and talked about so many things. I felt overwhelmed that I could have such a good time by just... being with someone. I had a chance to find out so many new things about Justin as well.

At one point, he talked about his future. Where he'd like to go with company we hoped to start up, how he'd love to find a fixer upper house to remodel in to his dream home, how he considered himself a family man to the core. As I listened to him, I imagined all of that for me as well, and I didn't have any issues with forming the pictures either. Something was nagging me at the very corner of my mind though; and at that moment, I couldn't pinpoint what it was.

After desert, we got back in to Justin's car. He wasn't heading to my place like I expected and wouldn't tell me where we were going instead. After about 30 minutes of him evading my questioning, he parked. I looked around in confusion, as I all I could see was darkness surrounding the car.

He had stepped out of the car and went to the trunk as I tried to guess where we were. He moved to my door and gently lead me away from the car, guided by the beam from a flashlight aimed directly at the ground in front of us. We walked in a comfortable silence as I looked around, just making out the trees surrounding us.

Suddenly, Justin stopped and motioned to a log in front of us. He sat down on it and patted the spot next to him. After I sat, he wrapped us in a blanket and smiled at me.

"Are you ready to find out where we are?" He asked me. I nodded in response.

We turned our heads forward and I gasped as he turned the flashlight brighter and directed it ahead of us.

The beam followed a path, surrounded by trees, giving the feeling of a tunnel. The trees abruptly ended and opened up to a lake. I looked out as I saw the twinkling of fireflies reflect in the water, imitating the other lights reflecting in the water from the stars high above. It didn't take a sign to tell me that this was an extremely special and intimate place to Justin. I was floored that he felt he could share this with me.

"J, I... it's beautiful. I have no words." I whispered. "Thank you for showing me this."

"You're more than worth it, Luc." He whispered back as he wrapped his arm around my back and pulled me closer to him. I couldn't tell you how long we sat there in each others' embrace. We didn't move or talk until exhaustion finally began to dominate me and my head drooped slightly.

"Come on, Luc, let's get you home." Justin said while smiling. "We don't want the mother hen pecking at us."

He took my hand and led me back to the car. As we made our way back to my place, Justin held my hand and occasionally lifted it to his mouth to give the skin a light kiss. I was the happiest I'd been since I could remember, but I couldn't seem to push that nagging feeling that I had deep down.

We still held hands as we walked to my door. Before I grabbed my keys, I turned to him, and he did the same. With a wordless understanding, we slowly leaned in and our lips met.

I felt my mind explode and a shock move down to my feet. I gasped from the intensity and Justin instantly plunged his tongue in to my mouth, not needing permission to enter. I moaned as our tongues were caught in a dual, trying to suck his tongue deeper and then suddenly switched directions forcing mine and his back in to his mouth, getting a deep taste for him.

We finally broke apart to catch our breath. With our foreheads pressed against one another, we were each panting as we smiled at each other. God, I wanted this badly. Suddenly, it hit me. I realized what the nagging feeling had been. That realization made my stomach plummet to my feet.

"J... hold up." I mumbled, hating myself for what I was about to say.

"Sorry, Luc, am I moving too fast? I don't want to push you in to anything." He asked with concerning written all over his face. His innocent and vulnerable face didn't help to quell the sinking guilt I felt.

"No, Justin, that was amazing. I never thought kissing could evoke those kinds of feelings. I have something I need to say, though, and I don't think either of us are going to like."

His face fell flat at that. "Oh?"

I placed my hands on his cheeks and held his gaze, assuring that he saw that I was being honest, yet remorseful of what I was about to share.

"You have treated me better in this one night than anyone has in my entire life. I've never felt as special and as cared for as I have during these last few hours." I paused, unsure of how to continue. I saw sadness creep in to Justin's eyes.

"Fuck, there's a but coming, isn't there?"

I nodded slowly, following it with, "Yeah, although, I wish the only butts involved tonight were mine and yours." I smiled gently, hoping to ease the weight of the situation.

He laughed bitterly and sniffled. "Fuck, you're one cheesy bastard. Go ahead, Luc. I'm a grown man. I can handle it."

"I care too much about you to not say anything. As happy as you've made me tonight, I've had this nagging feeling in the background throughout our date. I thought maybe it was just idea of me being on a date or being with a guy, but I know it isn't that. I realize that it's me wanting this so desperately for us both."

He arched an eyebrow at that, puzzlement replacing his sadness. "Alright, and this is bad because??"

I sighed, giving myself a moment for mental preparation. "I realized that... it's what my brain wants. It's telling me that this is the most logical and best path for me. For us. The issue is deeper, though. As cheesy as this is going to sound, my heart isn't in agreement. I feel like it's distracted almost. Like it's two steps behind. I care about you too much to let us keep going down this road if there's a chance my heart doesn't end up agreeing. It's not fair to you. I couldn't forgive myself if I dragged you along only to realize we won't work out."

A coldness I hadn't seen crept over his face, freezing the tears that threatened at the corners of his eyes. "Sooooo, if your heart isn't rooting for us, than who's it rooting for?" I really hadn't expected this question and at that point didn't know the answer. Justin seemed to make his own conclusion. He threw his hands up, spun around, and started pacing. "Fuck!! Are you kidding me? HIM!? Luc, he's taken so much from you. How could you even consider him as a possibility?"

"Are you talking about Brett? J, I'm not sure if that's-"

"I'm not a fucking moron, Luc. Of course it's Brett. Damn it, Lucca, he's tugging you along by your heart strings. He's going to end up crushing you! You can't possibly be considering giving the two of you a chance!"

Justin couldn't be right, could he? I didn't care for Brett like a I cared for Justin. So, why did I feel a twinge when I considered it? That's when I remembered all the sparks I felt over the last few days in his presence. I thought it had only been physical, but what if it wasn't? A door opened for us long ago on that day, and I guess it had never truly been closed. Was it possible that my heart was actually holding out for Brett? The idea felt completely idiotic and insane, but I guess the heart doesn't act like the brain.

"I honestly don't know, J. Fuck, I'm so sorry. You are the last person I'd want to screw with. I just... can't make any promises to you that I'm unsure I'll be able to fulfill. You're too good for that. I just... I need time and a chance to sort all this out. So much has happened and it's all new to me so I'm not sure how to process it. Fuck, I'm so sorry. I'm the worst kind of person. You probably think I'm the epitome of stupidity and douchebaggery. I don't have a right to ask you but... please don't hate me, J. Please? I don't think I could have a life without you in it."

Tears formed in his eyes again and this time, there was no holding them back. He looked down, took a deep breath, and gave a shaky nod. "I could never hate you, Luc. I won't say I understand but I'll be damned if I'm going to keep my best friend from doing what he feels is right for him. I... I know this is selfish but I really hope that this doesn't work out with Brett, without him hurting you of course, and we finally can have our chance."

I refused to let any tears form. Crying was not a privilege I permitted myself to have. I lunged forward suddenly and embraced Justin in the strongest hug I could muster. "If I'm honest, J, I really hope the same. I just can't believe I'm doing this to you. I'm the worst kind of person. You deserve so much more than this. I'm really sorry I can't be the guy we both want us to be at this time."

He shook his head fervently at that. "Don't ever think or say that about yourself, Luc. You're an amazing man. I just want you to be mine is all. Neither of us can force that though if it's not right."

"Thank you so much for being the best friend a guy could ask for. I love you man."

_____

Thirty minutes later, I was standing at Brett's door trying to work up my courage. I raised my hand several times only to drop it again in fear. "Fuck, how pathetic am I?" I muttered to myself.

Finally, I gave a tentative knock and looked down to prepare myself. I was going to knock this man on his ass, both figuratively and literally. There was a long silence and I began to wonder if he was even home. Finally, I heard some murmuring and the lock on the door being turned.

I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. As soon as I heard the door open, I leapt forward, eyes still closed, and wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He felt wet and hot, and as I took in a deep breath of his smell, I caught the hint of soap.

Before any words could be said, I plunged my tongue deep in to his mouth. I didn't care if this was the second man I made out with in an hour and that some would label me as a man whore for that. I was tired of putting my life on hold, and I was determined to find out if this was the right path for me.

I moaned as I tasted his mouth. I soon noticed that I wasn't feeling the tingle and explosion of nerves that I expected. Also, I didn't feel the facial hair against me like I had expected. I foolishly ignored those signs and began to grind against the erection that had risen its way in to my crack. That's when I froze. I remembered Brett had been big, but I doubt his piece had grown in to the monster that I now felt threatening my virgin hole.

As if on cue, I heard his voice in front of me, a good distance away. "Lucca? What the FUCK are you doing here?"

That's when I reluctantly opened my eyes, screamed and fell to floor. I had just made out with a stranger. He was extremely tall, insanely muscular, black, and wrapped only in a towel that threatened to fall due to his erection. If I hadn't been so distraught and embarrassed, I would have felt terrible for the confusion and bewilderment that covered his face.

I looked past him and saw Brett. He was equally as wet and also wrapped in a towel. How could I have been so fucking stupid!? He was already with someone else. How could I expect him to just wait around for me and not look for someone else when I had kicked him out of my house-and my life—only hours before?

"I- uh- I'm gonna go." I jumped up from the floor and ran out before anything else could be said, hoping to salvage any last shred of dignity that I could.

That night I ran until my legs wouldn't move. This time, there was no stopping the tears.