All Comments on 'Payback'

What was a very engaging story turned to crud with a nonsense ending. What a pity.

Please..... what a crock of bovine feces!!!!!!! She's a slut that cheat and cuckolds him, lies and everything else and he's heartbroken that she's dead now???

If I was in his place I'd be dancing on her grave. Or maybe I would be heartbroken......

But only because I couldn't see her suffer more now that she's dead.

What does it take to make this cuck hate his wife. She fucks around on him for months. Denies him sex while fucking another. Gets multiple STD's that she could have given him. Tries to frame him and turn his children from him. And yet in the end all could have been forgiven? And he shows remorse as if her actions were caused by him? If you left out that twist at the end. Just had the wife fuck off out of the picture, this would have been a great story. Well written but for the ending.

Your last lines ruined it. Having the exwife shoot the guy was very good, even if in todays security world it would be hard to bring a gun into a courtroom. Having the police shot her wzs good. But having the husband feel any anguish over losing his love is plain stupid. He knows she really felt no love for him for a long period of time. She denied, betrayed, lied, deceived, disrespected, huniliated, had bareback sex, attempted to blame her husband, placed her family at risk, all for "just sex" with a loser of a person. Had she not committed suicide by murdering her fellow adulterer, she was a part of the act, then she at least needed to commit private suicide on her own as she had for all inttent and purposes destroyed her own and her families lives. Regret, none. Remorse, maybe. Love, not a chance in hell! Anyone that loves a woman that does this to herself, her huaband, and her children, deserves and expects no love at all.

decent story turned out as average garbage by the end.

I'll forget the last line, Marge was written as a selfish slut who brought this on herself, so why feel bad, live life, enjoy your kids and find out who else is out there. Other than that, good story, congrats. to your wife for her help, cause it was just a story, thanks.

That's all this site needs is another wimpy old fart submitting stories. Revenge is only unsatisfactory if you don't do it right.

Why would such revenge taste anything except sweet?

What could have been a good story, successfully destroyed by too much filth.

Why allways the wife says that she loves her husband & her family but sleeps with other man??? Cause her husband makes loves to her & that to gently & to experience something else she makes someone her lover to have rough a hard sex.What a crap!!! get a life man!!! get a life!!! this is sooo unrealistic.First of all a women who loves her husband & kids will not trun into sl**.This is nothing but destroying womens character.Write some real things & not some unrealistic crap.

Why allways the wife says that she loves her husband & her family but sleeps with other man??? Cause her husband makes loves to her & that to gently & to experience something else she makes someone her lover to have rough a hard sex.What a crap!!! get a life man!!! get a life!!! this is sooo unrealistic.First of all a women who loves her husband & kids will not trun into sl**.This is nothing but destroying womens character.Write some real things & not some unrealistic crap.

This story could have been an acceptable story. The writing was pretty good and the detail was okay.<p>

The problem was the characters. I agree with the other comments that David is just too much to believe. This is one situation where the the amount of shit Marge piled on him is just too much to ignore. Cutting him off (or at least cutting back) from sex knowingly over a period of months and then blandly telling her girlfriend that she is going to "make it up to him" by allowing him to fuck her after she gets through with her lover. Lying time after time, including the lie that he is the only man for her right after sex. Going back even when she knows that he is suspicious and angry. If Marge loves David, I''d hate to be on her shit list. <p>

And then comes the biggest crap load of all. She gets caught by the STD and tries to turn her parents and kids against him by accusing him of giving it to her. This just does not make any sense in any way shape or form, at least if Marge did love David and wanted to remain married. Even if Marge had been right and she had given the STD to David, he would have known that he had not cheated on her. She might have been able to convince her parents, even the kids, but there is no way that she could have convinced David. All she is doing is starting the fast track for a divorce that is going to start ugly and get uglier over time.<p>

For god's sake, the only emotion that David could have felt for her at the end of this story is complete and utter hatred. From the moment that she tried to blame me, I would have been calling for the MP's to take her in. It's obvious that she doesn't love David or the kids, just herself. <p>

As for Marge, I think you took her too far from reality. Her behavior over the last few pages (from the time of the STD) just doesn't match the character that you developed. In fact, her acceptance of the rough sex from Perez doesn't seem to fit either as it has no foundation. A loving wife and mother of 18-20 years just doesn't go out and start an affair and accept being treated as a slut without some foundation. You might have been better off just showing her as a selfish woman who only cared about herself and loved David more for what he gave to her.

Despite some of the naysayers previously posted comments, I find the story to be very good, overall. I'll agree that at the very end, it seems that David felt too much remorse to be realistic. That said, it is clear that Marge was suffering from some sort of entitlement and center-of-the-universe mentality, in thinking that she could continue to get away with anything she wanted to do, and could cover it up with a small handout of good sex...which would also serve to feed her own problematic needs. Overall, I thought the story is nice work.

-- KK in Texas

<p>I gave it a 25% because while it started off as a good story, where one of the main characters started digging their own grave with an industrial size backhoe instead of the normal shovel most of us use. It was done in such a way I really started feeling bad for David's character. But you put in too much hard work to undo it like you did by the end of the story, or at least it seemed that way to me.</p>

<p>Everything you wrote about how he got his evidence was pretty close to plausible and helped the immersion of the story.</p>

<p>But like capecodmercury said (better than I could so I won't cover the <i>same</i> other points I had a problem with) the story gave the appearance by the end that David felt the end was completely his fault, through his regret, that caused his wife death and not by her actions.</p>

<p>Had he not done anything, for payback, based on what you wrote here, he either would have been infected, and/or would have been blamed for an affair he didn't commit, and as an innocent party possibly beaten by his wife's father for something he didn't do. Remember, Mary at the bar didn't know Will was also having sex with David's wife when she gave him the STD's as payment for Will raping that 20 year old girl. And other than his military buddy, no one else knew he knew his wife was cheating.</p>

<p>But the way the story ends make it seem like if he didn't get payback she wouldn't be dead. But if he didn't get payback his wife would have turned the whole world against him (the doctors office, his family, her family, their friends) to cover her cheating. Her character really was unlikeable till the very end. Just like Will's character was. But the ending suggested he was more at fault for trying to cover his own butt</p>

<p>That's why this story got a 25% from me. It was 100% up till those last 4 paragraphs.</p>

<p>For me, it was like all your hard work of 6 pages were undone in the final 4 paragraphs.</p>

-Risq

I thought it was a good first story. I did like it and would like to see more from you.

I liked it a lot! Would have given it a "100" but for the very last ending portion. I'm not sure why you had him feel so much remorse; she was a cheating, lying slut whore. He didn't make carry that gun into court {& BTW, how did she get it in; every court room in the USA has bailiffs & X-ray metal detectors in use now} & he sure didn't make her shoot & kill the piece of scumbag shit. If he is feeling sad for his children's sake, that might be one thing, but feeling sorry for how the "love of his life" screwed over him, naw, just don't feel it

Your writing is excellent. Your story was very good also, but I thought parts were overdone.

In my opinion, you made the bad guy into an orge. He has 5 concurrent affairs, hires prostitutes, rapes, is a criminal, brutal ... Why would the wife have even been attracted to him? Since we start the story in the middle, this wasn't as big an issue as the next one.

Your story started to go over the edge when the wife contracts the STD. The wife trying to blame the STD's on him was not believable, especially by bringing in the kids and parents. It was completely out of character. She would have been better served to say it was a one time thing that she hoped to hide forever from him ... or claim that she had been raped.

Another question I have, why all the attempts for evidence? Most states are no-fault, so why the need for documentation? He only needed enough proof for himself, which he had with the initial hickey.

I must agree with most comments so far, your ending was completely out of left field. In my opinion, she was more likely to kill herself.

I gave you 100% since this is your first effort here. I really like your writing style. Good luck and I hope to read more from you soon! -ttom

Good Story - just be sure to listen to constructive critism and ignore the rest.

The story was well written and held me from start to finish.

The basic plot elements and the characterization were interesting. I was turned off by the murder of Perez and the resultant death of Marge, but it certainly was possible ending and in real life you rarely get the ending that you want! That he was sad burying his marraige seems normal to me, but I would be surprised if he did not get over it quickly. When she suddenly decided that he was bad because he did not line up with her plans to be done by two guys in one day, is where I felt she went over the top and took up residence in cloud cuckoo land, but this is far from impossible behaviour. It is only horrible.... By the way we never loved her and so it is a lot easier to hate her. Lighten up guys it is a good story and we need good stories!

I liked your story and for a while it was very believable. Then you started adding in too much. Nice twist at the end but actually he can now properly grieve the loss of the wife and marriage she destroyed. There are millions of women in that age bracket who will snatch him up as soon as he is ready. Hey by todays standards...if he has a job, not on drugs and can still get it up he'll be in high demand. Som he won't be miserable for long. BTW-the friend should get hers in the end too! Once a cheating wife always a cheating wife...better off dead.

I like new ways of writing cheating wife stories. And this is one of them. It certainly kept me engaged, right to the end as well. Justice was probably done in the end. And the wife got what she deserved. But at least she went down fighting. Anyway well written story.

and fucking idiot like GW66 the king of forced mindless reconciliation thinks this is a Good story

That the author left us feeling the husband went overboard. The fact of the matter is that the wife could not and would not accept responsibility for her actions. The ultimate act to refuse any responsibility was to kill her lover because it was his fault, since she could not pin it on her husband. Her death meant she would not have to live with that responsibility for the rest of her life.

This was a good first effort, overall. However, I hate to say this, but since you said your wife was responsible for the final twist, you should thick twice about accepting her story writing advice. You jumped the shark with the STD stuff - trying to pin in on him makes no sense since he'll obviously know that he's not to blame! So that's the fast road to divorce. If she'd claimed she was raped or drunk with a one time mistake or something like that, it would have been a much more sensible way to try to wiggle out and save her marriage and her existing lifestyle. Then you REALLY jumped the shark with the ending. First off, no way can she get a gun into a courtroom. But then having him feel all guilty about the death of his wife? What more would she have to do to him for him to be able to get over her? Stab him repeatedly in the chest?! I can understand him feeling bad about her dying and feeling that he went too far with his revenge, but you made him far too regretful and that ruined the story. Calling her "the love of my life"? Gag! I could see him having some wild thoughts about her on the day of her funeral, but by leaving the story at that point, it makes it seem like he'll feel that way forever. You know, it is very easy to edit a story at Literotica. Make a few minor tweaks and this story would jump in the ratings. I also think it would have been very good if we could have heard a couple of tape recordings with her friend after she was exposed, so we could see what she was going through at that time.

This could have been a fabulous story... but the idea of a husband blaming himself for Marge's death is absolutely absurd.

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No its offensive. I want to gven this story a 100. But I cant and neither should anyone else.

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Even if one accepts the unlikely ending where Marge was able to sneak a gun into a high security federal courtroom to shoot Perez... the idea of the husband blaming himself after we read through six pages of his internal agony and the wife's intentional emotional destruction of the husband ....is just too much to get past.

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<b>If anything Marge and David are TOO well-developed as characters for the ending to make any sense. </b>

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The author brilliantly goes through the emotional agony of David and slowly but steadily uncovering the massive deception that the wife is willingly and happily partaking in. As I went through the long story I really could feel David 's agony. The discovery was well done. My connection to the husband character was really much stronger than with 90% of all the male characters/ husbands one reads in LW stories.

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That's why Davis's reaction to Marg'es death makes no sense at all. I suppose David could have second thoughts about how the whole chain of events developed... but the author goes way beyond that .

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With the Marge's character... again the author does such a brilliant job of developing Marge as a believable if deceptive and immoral cheating wife... that can't quite figure out how dangerous the game she is playing can become. In some fashion it's clear that Marge has a some sort of love or emotional connection to David although for most of us Marge comes across as a serious fucking whack job.

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And that becomes a problem at the end of the story. <b> When push comes to shove... the wife was willing to have her own husband undergo a severe beating by her large overpowering father and risk destroying her kids relationship with her father... rather than come out with the truth. </b>

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Never mind the videos. Never mind the massive deception.

Never mind the audio phone call recordings.

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Never mind that Marge's idea of repaying the husband for the greatest sexual experience is ever had is for him to have sloppy seconds.

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<b>The way the author portrays the wife's decision to not end what she was doing with Perez after David's amazing sexual performance... but instead decides to intentionally to give David sloppy seconds... is very believable but also kills the ending. </b>

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It's just not possible to think that David has some sort of guilt complex over Marge's long sordid vile mind bogglingly

cruel actions.

Him or herself. If he/she doesn't like my stories. Then why the fuck does he/she read them. More to the point. Why waste the time of people who have read THIS story by taking a cheap shot at me? If you have an email system. Then by all means send me a private email and tell me exactly how you think you can write a better story, if you can write one at all. Otherwise shut the fuck up up. And if you accuse me of writing forced reconciliation stories at least I have the balls to write something and put my name to it. You don't seem to have any balls if you are indeed a male person. If you are female it doesn't matter.

To the writer of this story sorry for the interuption. Mindless twats like this person do appear a lot don't they? They have probably never written anything in their lives. But writers good or bad at least have the guts to put something out there. One last thing to Mr/Mrs Anon if you read the story the couple didn't get back together. The wife was killed or did you miss that bit.

Again sorry to the writer.

You sliced a fairly decent tale with the last bit. Assuming that the wife DID smuggle a weapon in the courtroom (HIGHLY unlikely, bordering on impossible) there's no way any trained Baliff would have returned fire. I wrote an Author years ago about the same thing. LEO's are trained to disarm in close quarters. Period. And she didn't have an real reason to shoot her Lover. As Al Pacino's character said in Devil's Advocate;

"Free will, it is a Bitch."

But — the ending was, in a way, a lazy way of concluding the story. I mean, it certainly is a way of 'torching the bitch', but it is abrupt and in that way somewhat unsatisfying!

--"And so it began again"-- That was the point where your story should have ended. The last four paragraphs ruined what was an excellent story. I even got my wife to read this story in order to counter-balance my male perspective with her female perspective. She felt the same way that I did. You ruined your story with the last four paragraphs. Better luck next time.

His unfettered ability to discover and record her actions with no setbacks or limitations was not plausible. His ability to set everyone up so completely and easily was not plasible. Her attitude was too over-the-top to be plausible. The timing of the STD was too perfect.

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The author's attitude about negative comments is over-the-top. If you can't stand the heat, turn off the stove (i.e., don't permit comments.) At least he doesn't seem to be deleting the negative ones like some wimps.

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The ending might have been more plausible if she had shot him somewhere where a weapon could actually be undetected. However, I <i>can</i> understand his remorse at the end because she obviously felt remorse as shown by her sacrificing herself to kill the bastard (which more realistically would have put her in jail). That, indicated to me that she felt badly about what she had done and redeemed her to some extent. She didn't deserve to die, despite what some neaderthals always seem to feel. A real man would have regretted her death, as the protagonist did.

So many stories on this site are serialized and are never finished leaving we readers hanging. Weather you liked the ending or not, at least you finished the story. Your ending did put a chill up my spine, I didn't see this coming. I was predicting that David would end up with Mary the recovering crack whore but you didn't use this predictable & overused story line...I thank you.

But I just have one question.Why was she allowed to carry a gun into a court of law,is this normally allowed in the USA?

As others have said, a naff ending, but that was the author's prerogative. I'd have preffered the guy to have served his sentence, as he got off too easy. As for the wife, she should've been thrown out on the street, where she deserved to be. Good story though until the end. But why the innocent party should feel guilty, I do not know.

the end was a kick in the heart.she was not a good person and she was selfish.how you come off like you love her so much after her attacks on your manhood.wake the fuck up and move on.there a bunch of good women out there waiting.i see how your wife author is writing too,but get real.a great story and keep writing them.this how people act when betrayed.

A fine first effort! Please give us more.I loved it until the ending which made me sad.

I especially liked the end. They deserved each other. (in hell)

Tell your co-writer (your wife) cudos!

Ended a little quick after a great build up. Pretty hard to get a gun in a court room these days. Good job.

could have done with more detail about how she fucked Perez.

You are receiving negative comments on your story in addition to positive comments and encouragement. But it's your first submission and with it you took on a great task: a story that unites spousal cheating, family members views, and criminal activities. Take the comments offered in a positive manner and learn from your experience. Have your next submission edited by an experienced person in writing. We await your next story. RAG

The ending blew it. Nobody, real of fictional would feel anything for this dirty whore but pity, disgust or outright hate! You wimped out...............

Excellent -- until the ending. That was ill-advised. Especially enjoyed the high tech shenanigans.

Well developed story right up to the ending. The wife got most of what she deserved but the deaths at the end somehow didn't fit well. The way it looked right up until she shot him made it seem a better story. They would both suffer for life. Any way, keep up the good work.

With Perez getting shot, our heros are out $3000. That is what sucks about the ending.

I really enjoyed this story. There were only a few errors and it read very well. But I too did not like the ending. It was regrettable that Marge went "Postal" and killed Perez and essentially herself. And I also agree that he might have felt sad over the entire situation but I doubt, based on his character development, that David would really have blamed himself, as you implied at the end. Marge had choices each and every step of the way during her fall from Grace. She chose to cheat on her marriage. She chose to lie to her husband, withhold sex from him, and basically disrespect him. She chose to plan on pushing the envelope by giving him sloppy seconds -- I'm sure she would have expected him to go down on her freshly-fucked twat and I bet she was really fantasizing about how she'd have the upper "hand" after that! All her talk about defending her hubby from Perez' disrespectful commentary about David notwithstanding, she really enjoyed the typical feeling of "I've got a secret over him, hey, hey, hey!" A marital partner who loves their spouse would sacrifice him or herself for the other, not try to frame their spouse for something they did (i.e., framing David for the STD and trying to alienate other family members against him). David gave her so many chances to change her behavior yet she continued it regardless. I'm not sure she deserved to die but I agree with most others, David should not be so upset or blame himself for her bad choices. Nice first story though!

In the end, I like the structure of the story. When David went easy on her to keep her out of prison, I was disappointed. But Marge shooting Will and being gunned down in a shootout more than made up for the initial disappointment. In a lot of these stories told from the faithful husband's viewpoint, the cheating wife is very two-dimensional, leaving the husband (and the reader) asking the "why"s and "how"s of the cheating without any answers. At least in this story her onerous character is clearly fleshed out, and Marge is displayed as the vile woman she is.<p>Another point I must commend blue4242 on is the utilization of Mary. Typically in these stories, the husband meets a woman whom he'll eventually end up with and find happiness after he divorces his cheating wife. I'm glad that Mary didn't play that particular role in this story. It's a refreshing break from formula in this category.<p>Of course Will is such a despicable criminal and meets with poetic justice in the end. That justifies the "payback", but what is more difficult to pull of would be if the wife's boyfriend was actually a law-abiding citizen. The boyfriend would still be a shitheel for fucking another man's wife, but the payback would be less spectacular than the guy ending up in prison. In that regard, Will is just a comic book villain serving blue4242's purpose in the plot. He's two-dimensional, but writing a more complete, complex character is a difficult task.<p>I commend blue4242, and have added him as a "Favorite Author". Keep up the good work.

From hot rutting sex to violence,bribery,rape and death, the story covers it all. I think the authors might have let a little of their real life slip into the story though. The massage scene where he gives his wife a good seeing to couldn't have been made up, with that much vivid description of the action, it had to be something that really happens. It's been a real pleasure to read a well writen and edited story. thanks ....Rich

but to much violance in the end. that has thrown you back to half the points.

I think I have to agree with the others. Gunning down Perez in a courtroom was not a fitting ending (I think it'd be hard to get a gun into the courtroom, but I'm no expert at that). Now, if you would have given her AIDS and had her die from her infidelity, then you would have a proper ending.

BTW: It's HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) -- sorry, I work in the healthcare industry.

This was a first story wasn't it. And it was well written and pretty well edited[ yea wife ].<P>

The problem with a beginning is there is no experience garnered yet. So this team spent a lot of time & effort on their first project and almost everyone is pleased for their work which is all one can reasonably ask for as an author.<P>

As readers we are accustomed to much worse in both the story and the talent for first efforts and many beyond the first.<P>

Author - take some of these comments to heart and disregard the non-constructive one's.<P>

This was a very complex stage set quite well and not easily given the number of characters and scenes portrayed.<P>

What most readers fail to understand is that comparatively a story's beginning and middle are much easier than a plausible ending. Experienced authors have difficulty with endings so to see an inexperienced author have one is deserving of a mulligan.<P>

You chose the emotional subject of marital consequence to open with knowing there would be interest and that you could put some passion in it. I think you also knew there could be some reader forgiveness for style and content as it was a first effort. And there was to a large extent.<P>

Not to dwell on the wounds you now know that plausible reality doesn't often include extreme extreme pomp and crude death serving sentences. They can affect the reader badly at the worst time - the ending. Also he was a rational man until then. Sad yes but ruined for life - cmon - a little too much syrup dis-flavors a pretty good effort at the wrong time.<P>

So author please recognise that the majority of us who favor reality close to life look forward to your next effort in hopes that you will - and that it will be as good or better.<P>

You are appreciated in this arena of marital consequence because it reflects life and our fears - and hopes for fairness - for justice often missing by many others who do stroke for the few wimps into self disrespect.<P>

With Hopeful Regard

Really enjoyed your first story and I am looking forward to more. I like payback and revenge

Mostly well written and certainly well thought out and consistent. Nice first effort.

I found the revenge over-the-top, but folks seem to like that.

Not really sure what to make of your short story. It is pretty funny though....

For a first story you covered most of the bases. Like most, I didn't like the ending. Especially trying to shift all the blame to hubby about the STDs. Traces of tampering could have been found on the laptops (FBI is very good at forensic analysis) but without getting into a lot a geek speak I'll give you an okay. As far as the wifes' reason for the affair, I found that weak. She desired wham bam man sex? I just don't think so from the previous descriptions that you gave us. Seldom do the LW stories on Literotica give us justification, but your wife helped you with this. Seems like she could have provided a little more input in this area. Especially with the vehicle of the best female friends communications. Thanks for sharing!

Marge deserved everything that came to her. She ended her life as a murderer once again thinking only of herself and not her family. Her husband only exposed (and yet tried to protect her from criminal charges) her actvities. What makes a person so vicious? She knew that her husband did not give her those STDs but she did not hesitate to try to sully her name in front of his kids and family. If Marge had decided to handle her STDs privately with her husband then the family would have been spared the website humiliation. Most of us know someone like a Marge so consequences can be a bitch!

In my opinion everyone in this story got what they justly deserved.

One other thing. It matters not how real the story is, it's a fantasy. And as such anything is possible.

I gave you 5 stars. The wife who edited it for you deserves 10.

... but GREAT STORY! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING!

Wife stayed true to her selfish, self centered character til her last breath. Never thought about feelings of others, raising the kids, or the future. Just how can I get away with the next one. In the end all the bad guys were their own worst enemies, reaping what evil they'd sown.

Wife stayed true to her selfish, self centered character til her last breath. Never thought about feelings of others, raising the kids, or the future. Just how can I get away with the next one. In the end all the bad guys were their own worst enemies, reaping what evil they'd sown.

Enjoyed it. Thanks.

<p>Let me begin by saying that for a first story, this was indeed a good effort. Since I hope to see further stories from you, I will offer my criticisms in a spirit of helpfulness.</p>

<p>It is obvious that you have read a number of Loving Wives stories prior to authoring your tale. Like many a first time author, there is a danger of piling on the cliché’s on one or more characters. In your case, the villain catches most of the focus.</p>

<p>You made Perez not only an adulterer, but also procurer of prostitutes, a rapist, a thief, and lastly a murder victim. How this guy managed to do all of these things is still a mystery. Why such a successful adulterer would both resort to paying or sex and eventually rape someone, seemed illogical to me.</p>

<p>Your story also contains the wife’s good friend who seems to be her co-conspirator. However, there is not one meeting between the narrator and this friend in the entire story. This woman is merely used to explorer the wife’s intentions. Then at the end, you appear to realize you have left this as a lose end so you have this woman’s husband appear briefly in one scene.</p>

<p>The treatment of the children also seemed odd to me. A had a hard time envisioning children of the purported age sitting for hours with their parents watching movies at home. Trying to keep an 18 and 19 year old at home with Mom and Dad to watch not one, but two movies and potentially a third, seemed

unrealistic to me. Of course, at the point the children are introduced and then reintroduced at mealtimes, they have no names. Then during the confrontation, you suddenly flesh out their characters and we now know them by name.</p>

<p>As for that confrontation, you also through in the classic in–laws, including the father-in-law who mirrors the qualities of our husband. Funny how the confrontation brings out the names of ALL relatives. </p>

<p>While I liked the pacing of the story, you spent much too much time with the gizmos, gadgets and surveillance techniques. So much effort was spent here that I had larger expectations for the conclusion.</p>

<p>As for the ending, it was rushed. After all the time spent drawing the character of your husband, you have him do an about face at the funeral and take on the burden of his wife’s death. Did this character suddenly undergo a complete change of heart? In addition, what happened to any separation or divorce? I seemed to have missed what happened to the <b>relationship</b> on this road to a quick exit.</p>

<p>Again, this was a good first effort with too many elements from other Loving Wives stories. Next time, why not keep it simple and more tightly focused.</p>

...But I do not like the way this story ends. I do not believe that dead is a punish for those that had hurt so many people, whom will live suffering to the end of their lives.

...But I do not like the way this story ends. I do not believe that dead is a punish for those that had hurt so many people, whom will live suffering to the end of their lives.

love it! the wife's character was believable. in the end, she got nothing left and wants to end it. of course, she thought that Will Perez is the culprit, not her.

Sad story. I agree with CCM's comments concerning character development and consistency, although I think the ending was very credible that she would seek to destroy the dude that had ruined her life (not sure how she'd be able to get a gun into the court room, though). On the one hand, this story is obviously interesting (63 comments and running); on the other hand, all of the "cheating wife" cliches except being a Navy Seal are included. Interesting.

There's a flaw with the ending, where as this date & time there is no way in hell that she would have gotten into the court room with a .357. Even our small town courts have metal detectors at every entry way, but I still give you a 100 for a good tale.

My sense is that you did an excellent job, although some parts could have been shorter (like some of the details of the spying techniques, or the repetition of listing the full technical procedures each time the husband collects the data) without sacrificing any substance. But for sure, the story does not come across as a first submission! <P>

You allowed the reader, in particular through the dialogues between the spouses and their respective friends, to gain rich insights into the mindsets of both spouses. For example, as the plot progresses, we get a live demonstration of how little is left of a marriage when both partners are dancing around each other, telling half truths, lies and some remnants of true feelings… By the way, I am NOT assigning equal responsibility to this dance of lies, just describing the sad outcome, even when one partner has never cheated. As the story shows, the innocent partner could be swept into the deceitful environment of such marriage if just to protect his/her rights when the end of the marriage becomes a likely outcome. <P>

On the wife’s side, there is guilt (not enough to change any behavior though…) and projected anger at her husband (he is after all the reason she feels guilty!). She also worries that he might be suspecting something, or at least she senses that he is troubled and unhappy. Still, she has no capability of imagining what her husband might be going through emotionally, as a result of the changes in her behaviors and attitude towards him (even if he knew nothing about her affair as she keeps telling herself).<P>

When his behavior changes and ‘interferes’ with her plan to “give him” an extra day of sex, on top of his once a week usual ration, she becomes upset. Mind you, it’s not because of loosing the opportunity to rebuild the badly damaged intimacy with her husband (for that purpose she could have chosen any day of the week), but as her friend keenly observes, because unknowingly (so she thinks) he ‘dares’ to disrupt her self serving scheme to embark on an even bigger ‘female –ego’ trip (two lovers at the same day). <P>

Accurately again, the author depicts the narcissistic mindset when the wife repeatedly recognizes on a rational level, her wrong priorities, but never changes her double life routines. It’s exactly because of her mental/psychological limitation that she can’t –despite all warning signs, either interpret them correctly or change her actions. In her world, there is place only for what could serve her immediate needs or pleasures. The fact that she is also so limited in terms of her intelligence and judgment did not help her either… A more intelligent person (even with the same character disorders) could have found some strategies to ‘bring him back’, but again - she never seem to come with any initiative which could stop the deterioration in the relations (even if just to keep the stats quo of having both husband and lover). <P>

At the other end, the husband’s forced silence next to his wife (for the purpose of collecting enough proof of her cheating) while at the same time sharing it all with his trusted friends, provided an excellent view of his internal emotional process (except for the last part which was kind of a mystery to me).<P>

While the psychological mindsets of the partners and the dynamics between them are illuminated in a way we rarely see here, it did not prevent the story from falling into some familiar pitfalls. Towards the end, the husband abruptly shifts attitude and considers saving the marriage even as the story provides a series of worsening evidence to the extent of the wife’s cheating. You have to ask, why was the husband so obsessed with spying and obtaining numerous proofs, if towards the end, the only test he presented to his wife as a condition to staying together, was simply to be able to be truthful about having an affair… It seems inconsistent, even contradictory after he repeatedly vowed (as new and damning evidence kept coming) that the kind of evidence he had seen have left no place for any reconciliation. <P>

The ending itself, as most recognized and explained, was rushed and incredible. In the author’s defense, the ending is indeed the hardest part (at least in this site). I, for one, am optimistic that in the future readers could enjoy stories by this author with much better endings…<P>

Overall, it was a very good start, with a story which has some problems, but has some impressive strong parts as well.

Bitch should have dead sooner.

I can see you put a lot of time and effort in this story. Building characters is not an easy thing to do. Congrats on a job well done. You will get both positive and negative comments on this story. I believe it was your story to write as you see fit regardless of what readers would have preferred.

Kudo's to you

With High regards

DG Hear

...except the helpful ones. Your story is powerful, interesting and even fun at times. It isn't perfect. So what? Whose story is? All I know is that even though this is your first published story on this site, you have instantly become one of my favorite authors. Write more! Please! Soon! Or, at least, as soon as it takes you to write more of this quality! I can't wait for your next one!

This is a pretty good first time submission. Your detail of undertakings is well taken.<P> I think you might want to delve into your own mind as to how actions you write really feel to you. Are they realistic, or believable, or do they just fit into what you want to put across. Heck, it is just a fantasy and that means most anything may go. <P> You are a lucky man to have a good editor and someone to bounce off your fantasies. I look forward to more of your stories.<P> Thank you for the good fantasy story.<P I look forward to more of your stories.<P>PT

To everyone who took the effort and the time to vote and / or to comment on my story – I truly thank you. Heck, to all of you who read this story, thanks, I never, ever, expected it to be read by so many. I guess I didn’t write it vain, even if you read only the first page or two.

As this was my first story, I didn’t realize how much fun it was to read your comments here and in the private e-mails some of you have sent. Many have been really wonderful and informative.

I appreciate both your praise and critique. I think I have learned a lot about polishing a story this last two weeks. Some of the issues in the story, I missed. Others, I thought just didn’t matter. I didn’t realize that they affected the believability.

Thanks all,

Chris

even though cheating stories suck, some of them are interesting, at least the ones that dont involve willing cuckolds, other sick shit. i would have given you a better rating but the ending sucked, i mean come on! he blames himself for his wifes death? she blames will for seducing her? thats complete bs. she knew what she was doing and didnt care about her husband, he did what he had to.

Great till the last three paragraphs. The bitch should have lived forever.

Your story took longer and more intricate than most would or could do. The revenge was good and he should in no way feel guilty to eliminating from the world two people really not worth being in it.

tHE AUTHOR TRIES TO MAKE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HER IF THIS HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE SHE WOULD BE IN PRISON.The story was too long and unbelievable nobody could be that stupid.

it seems the only reason to have put off the 'end' for marge was the base investigation. feel guilt, over her demise? those cliches from her, but i love david (which was nonsense) and whatever against ashley should have commenced. marge was a loss, but nothing that david could not get over. even as she got the cues, she refused to see what was coming from david. someone so stupid, blinded or other, does not warrant a lot of sympathy

Reasonably well-written, but Gawdamighty was it forevermore LONG!!! It could have shed half its length and been a better story.

I liked it. Very interesting. More than just the average cheating wife plot. I am always confused about the haters who deny typically human actions...even their own. It "is" perfectly normal to love someone and still cheat! I mean, it is pretty common knowledge that 60-70% of "All" males have cheated! I understand over half of females do as well...doesn't anyone still love their spouse even though they have cheated on them? Mostly, I agree with every word that the "Jaded_One69" had to say! This was indeed a brilliant first effort... I look forward to the next.

First of all, the story was too damned long considering its simplicity. Second, it appeared the author was more interested in writing a computer manual than an "LW" story. Third, no one could be as idiotic as the characters in the story unless the whole tale was written about a home for the emotionally disturbed. Fourth, the story was too outlandish to be interesting. If any number of things in the story (ie: rape) had been committed it would have resulted in disclosure almost immediately.<p>

Finally, the story reflects the author's desire to make the cheating wife come off as a sympathetic figure. Her eventual demise in a hail of bullets creates a sense of victimization for her, and then, in one sentance the author makes the husband the fall guy.<p>

This story is one of the worst written in the Loving Wives series.

The damn thing is longer than a book. At times got boring as hell. This story was about four chapters to long. Good storyline but to long!!!!!!!!

Pay no attention to those who thought it was to long, obviously they have the attention span of a 5th grader. I liked it. I thought the ending was great, though why he should feel guilty for the ex wife's death is beyond me. She deserved everything and in the end she killed herself - death by cop. If he feels sorry for anybody he should feel sorry for the cops who had to put her down, I'm sure they had regrets even though they were just doing their jobs.

The sad fact is she still got away with it - she had no-real remorse as she took the easy way out of the situation. Although, it was "great" to final read a story where the slut wife finally gets what due to what should have happened long before she pulled the trigger herself. The most satisfying aspect would have been to find a way, to manipulate the slut into pulling the trigger on "our" cue rather than the chicken-shit way she apparently did it. Of course, she would have been able to get a gun into a court room without detection? Yea, right!

I've read this story several times, but I just don't like the end with the wife killing Perez then suicide-by-cop.

It is impossible anywhere in the Western World to get a gun into a Court. Especially such a big gun S&W .357

Then I don't like how little resolution there was in the family, after her outing, what the hell was going on that would drive her to murder?

Then the husband is left feeling guilt, not of him own making. Everything that happened was the wifes fault, she can't take it, murders/suicides herself and the husband is left with shit. Just a total cop0out ending of an otherwise good story.

I agree that the ending of this story is a bit of a cop-out, but that is minor compared to the rest of the story. She starts out near the begining of the story as an everyday house wife that cheats. She still claims to love her husband but I seriously doubt that. Near the end she is made to look almost like an inadevertant Mata Hari who also tries to take down the husband she professes to love. This does not seem to fit with the earlier part of the story. I personally think that she got everything that she deserved...including being dead. She was just an amoral, evil piece of filth with thoughts only of herself. On a side note, it may be difficult to get weapons into a court building, but it is not impossible. A friend of mine was a bailiff in large city court building and he personally captured two people with weapons in the building. That is PAST the metal detectors. Granted, the weapons smuggled in tend to be knives and not guns.

There was the matter of the std'sand that took care of the other women and their marrigaes. The perez list was on the long side. I don't understand why wife was shielded, except that the children would suffer. Punishment would better have been served with them to live with their actions and the consequences.

Too bad he didn't piss on her coffin. Other than the improbability of sneaking a gun into one of the State or Federal Courthouses, I thought it was an appropriate end for all involved. Too bad he felt any remorse for his part in the drama. She didn't have in problem with trying to destroy him completely. I'll look for more of your submissions. Keep writing please!

Not sure why he feels guilty, she chose to cheat, she chose to blame him for the std, she chose to kill her lover in court. At no time did she show (or apparently feel) any love for her husband, hell, she tried to turn her parents and his own kids against him with her lies. He should feel no guilt as everything that happened was done by her and of her own volition. Good ridence to bad trash.

She brashly cheated and lied and deceived. TO have stopped sex with her would have been bad? And the end, she was already gone.

Enduring tale of human nature and frailties. Seem to keepmdroppong by

The story. Thanks

A very good story,,write more, I will be waiting. R.T.

fuck a whore w/o a helmet when they know she is skanking around, guy is a loser and a cuck - probably was hoping for a creampie

Dead asshole, dead slut.

That's what they call closure.

WOW!!!! what an ending!!! Kinda sad but it was a great read.

You got revenge and the whore is dead, life is good and goes on.

Had she loved her husband and not love Perez she never would have killed Perez, then again maybe she was just insane all along.

Why is he sad she was beyond a slut she tried to make him out the bad guy!

Good riddance!!!!

it would be much good revenge if he spend his life in jail (very painfully) and die in 5-10 years in jail(very painfully) its can told him why never break rules (rape , fucking someone else's wife,girlfriend).

and she also live more time to see how good her husband live & her life is become shit

after puting so much effort in to this story, what happened to her after he brought out all the evidence, where is the seperation and divorce from all this..why involve the parents and children trying to blame him for the vernial disease.she was destroying herself at the same time..no lodgic here.why kill them off at the end.with no other information with him and her getting something done..to much was done to catch her but the ending didnot make sense

For once, a realistic ending to cheating slut getting put six feet under & possible closure for the innocent husband. Well done author!

Death is a pretty harsh revenge and she didn't deserve it. But I don't feel sorry for her either. It's sad but she dug her own grave. She cheated on her husband with a sleaze ball. She is a slut. She got off on manipulating and deceiving her husband. That makes her a bitch. She wasn't really trying to hurt her husband or blatantly humiliate her husband originally BUT then she picks up some STDs and she tries to blame her husband and tries to turn their kids and her parents against him. That makes her a huge bitch. Her husband manipulated things a bit to get her back but in the end he just divorced her. She didn't end up in jail. Her life was destroyed but that was her own fault. That's what happens to sluts and bitches if there is any justice. Then she chose to shot the slime ball in court. How moronic is that? She did this to herself, especially the final payment that she paid. No tears for a slutty bitch. I might feel sorry that my kids lost their mother but she was already gone from her husband's life.