All Comments on 'Payback!'

Actually, worse than crude.

each of us has a choice. TK U MLJ LV NV

People who are decent (or better) writers don't rely on gimmicks. Turning every sentence into it's own paragraph is a gimmick. Used sparingly, it's dramatic. Used incessantly, it's just distracting.

Getting past that, I can't think of a single positive thing to write about the story, itself.

Instead of bring offended, I kind if agree with all the comments. This story didn't turn out that good. Maybe I should have spent a little more time on it. I'm hoping the next one will make everyone happier.

Thanks for the top, Epiphany_Jones. I'll try and cut down on that.

How the trolls who call other people's writing do so anonymously?

Write your own fucking stuff if you think you can do better. It's an amateur site, these are not professional writers.

Carry on writing whatever you want and fuck them if they don't like it!

Thanks, Anonymous. But they may have a few points. This one really wasn't that good. But I'm going to try and see if I can put some more work on here that people may enjoy since my last two submissions were lackluster. Thank you for the encouragement, though. Much appreciated.

Loved the payback concept, and the sex was hotly detailed. Need to have an editor look over your stories a few grammar blips and spelling mistakes.... Not sure if you ever had sex with a BBW but some things you hit on and a few were off.. But good revenge the daughter deserved it...Keep up the writing

Tabbymidnite. No. I haven't. If I got a few things wrong, I apologize.

This was just something that popped into my head and I decided to write it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, though. And yeah, I know. I'm considering an editor. Since I write mostly on mobile I'm probe to many mistakes.

The first thing you need to do is turn off auto-complete and auto-correct.

Many writers here misuse then when it should be than, but you have them where than should be.

A good editor and proofreader would help catch that kind of errors.

One of the funniest stories I've read for a while. The idea of a 19 year old guy thinking a 400 pound, 43 year old woman is a milf. The image of her naked and bouncing about on the bed is indescribable. Then she shouted deeper. How's he going to manage that? What's more she lived until she was 90. Never, at that size she'd have had a heart attack by 60.

This story wasn't a turn-on, in the least. I like revenge stories though. It needed a lot of editing. I really don't see how hooking up with a 400 pound middle aged woman is a victory by any stretch of the imagination. If she was that heavy she would have miscarried or died during child birth. Its pure fantasy that a woman that heavy who gave birth to 4 children during her lifetime would live into her 80s. Late 60s maybe. It might have been better to have developed Kristen's mental issues more before sticking her in the bug house for eternity. And the husband got killed for his cheating ways in his late 80s or early 90s and then they decided to get married. I can't imagine a dude in his 80s getting wood more than a couple times a month and even then it would be more rubbery than hard. Viagra would probably kill someone that old. She could have filed for divorce on grounds of abandonment at any time.

It felt like a half-formed revenge fantasy from an immature young man with mommy issues.

Hopefully my next one will make up for the horribleness of this one.

Your story was creative and ambitious. Maybe a bit too ambitious!!

Combined cheating fiancee with mature love, and swirling in revenge !! Holy cow what a trifecta.

I believe you did pretty good. Well enough to earn 3*s from me. You keep the plot understandable as the story progressed, very good. The dialogue was okay.The characters were consistent within the story and telegraphed their emotions very well. Only a couple of times did it seems stilted. You introduce ancillary characters not necessary for the story and don't name or label others. That is something that experience will help you correct.

Overall I think you did very well. The critics that complain about this is not realistic, or that it is not believable. Let them stew . This is fiction! You want reality go to the local courthouse!

I await your next story DrSpidey with my smart phone in one hand and my wife's big cheek in the other,lol

AMerryMan

Half of that would be a lot in a lets say five-four woman(you never told her size, maybe she was seven feet tall...would be big, but not MONSTER big). Riding him would put him in an ER.

This was put together poorly.

You left a lot out and some of the stuff was too outrageous (even for fiction).

Try again.

was prone to extreme exaggeration.

(after all he doesn't know how old he is...has a 19th Bday party, but later he is only18 when he knocks her up?)

It is one thing to appreciate a BBW. It is another to describe a woman who in reality, probably wouldn't be able to leave the bed under her own power. I knew we were in for trouble when he fisted Kristen. Really the entire story kept spiraling downward from there. Sure, I stayed with it. But inbetween the cringes, and supressing the urge to vomit, I kept hoping that you would fanagle some sort of payoff to this satirical, over the top farce. But what you attempted to pass off as "revenge" was just so sad, and pathetic. Kristen ended up institutionalized? OK, if you WANTED to go that way, and make it mean something, you would have needed to provide a few more details. But it seems all of your words were wasted on the fat fetish crap. The story would have been a little more interesting if she had just been a normal mother of a cheating girlfriend. But you had to take us into the trailer trash twilight zone, or past the outer limits of lowbrow redneck humor, or some such shit, and I mean to tell you, that it just DIDN'T work!

But the SADDEST thing, is that from within every sentance, it was clear that you didn't give a rat's ass about reader response, and actually hoped that this story would piss people off and provoke a strongly negative reaction. Hmm, ugh.......I guess, ugh.....

good job??????? 2 stars, ONLY for originality.

I'll admit it needed some work. I probably should have done a little more with it, and for that I apologize. Telling me that I only posted this to piss people off though is going a little far with your disappointment though, don't you think? I in no way wrote this as a means of angering someone. But if it offended you that much, them I hope next submission will make up for it for you.

I understand it was bad and I welcome criticism both good and bad, but saying I don't care about my readers is crossing the line. That was really messed up to say. If I didn't care about my readers, I wouldn't have three or four sequels planned for two of my other submissions.

I understand your disappointment, but seriously...? That was just rude.

" I mourned into Diane's mouth. "

was the capper for me.

I too mourned, but for the time lost trying to read past the silly errors.

oh well

This is so bad I'm not even going to read anything else in your portfolio. Get an editor or at least employ spell check/grammar check.

i actually liked it.

A whore fiancee,and a romance,then twins,with her mother,whose ass was so big she lived in two zip codes. Ewwwwwww!

He had a physically good looking woman who looked good on the outside but was very ugly on the inside. You read how poorly the mother was treated by life.

Well he was the fiancé who was treated like shit by Kristen then without looking ran into Diane who is older and blew his nuts off in more than one fashion!

He was thrown way by Kristen he didn't go looking for anyone but had always had an attraction to Diane. There was nothing to stop him from looking elsewhere to meet his needs then he without planning got to experience Diane.

Let be real as they age a woman reaches her sexual peak later in life and the young man ran into something just plain better for him.

I'd go for the person who would love me and not take me for granted over a pig in the poke which Kristen is. The writer to me showed some balls by not having Diane lose weight and become the old shapely woman she once was when she was younger. Lets face facts she was going to change shape because of the ATTENTION AND ACTIVITIES she was going to be doing so much more! The young man was putting all of his energy into trying to keeping Diane satisfied in return she was more of a match for him and he was going to be a busy young man! Think of the calories they were going to be burning.

Stop being snobs love and respect are not found on every street corners like a lot of other things.(hummmm!)

He was LUCKY, he had wasted enough time being disrespected by Kristen and then finding Diane who was really a good woman who had the love, respect and time to give him. He couldn't help or cause Kristen to become mentally ill that was going to happen anyway.

Good story, Five Stars for going out of the box!

This was an interesting twist on revenge sex. Kristen was obviously a cheating little two faced slut, who was not even honest enough with herself to face up to her duplicity. The fact that Leslie found solace in her mom, who, despite some serious physical drawbacks, was sweet to him, I find redeeming. The thing to remember is, that for every woman everyone thinks is hot, there's a guy who is tired of putting up with her crap. Kristen definitely falls into that category.

Except for the constructive ones, ignore the critics. There are some who will spew venom at you no matter what you write-guys like the one who was complaining that you had no consideration for your readers. There are thousands of stories on this site. If he doesn't like this one, there are many others that might suit him better. I don't like everything I see here, but not everyone shares my preferences. Like many, I write for my own enjoyment, as a release for whatever hits my imagination. If others like it, great. If not, I haven't lost anything, and it's their problem. Don't be apologetic to these critics. You owe them nothing.

Finally, do take to heart the constructive advice regarding editing. I read my work over four or five times before I submit it-and still I will find errors when the piece is posted on the site. It's the nature of the beast. That said, there are things you can do to minimize that happening. First, proofread, proofread, proofread. If you have someone who can look over your work, take advantage of that. As someone else remarked, turn off auto complete and auto correct. They'll get you in trouble over and over, and will put words in you never intended, and which don't make sense for the story. Do spell check, either with a grammar editing program, or in Word or some such program. But look at what the program is suggesting. It's not always right for what you're trying to say. Check the obvious, easy to verify things-facts, spelling, etc. A smoothly reading story with good grammar and believable story is a joy to read. Keep at it. You're doing OK.

for all concerned that made it all possible. TK U MLJ LV NV

grammar, spelling, plot! 1*

While Kristen DID deserve it, IMO, I would have cut Diane's weight to, say, anywhere between 200 and 250 pounds to be believable (she'd still be a BBW and hotter, IMO)...

Plus, I agree with other reviewers about your typos...

[17.12.22]

Excellent story with a weak ending.

But overall...

11/10!!!!!