Possessing Bella Ch. 20

"I have learned so much, and I am so very grateful to everyone who went out of their way to help me, but my career and friendships have suffered in my absence. I need to put some time into the people closest to me, spend a weekend with my parents..." her voice trailed off as she realised she was rambling, and her parents were currently in Italy on vacation. "I would like to end it, please, Master Charles."

"Have you begged a collar?" He looked into her eyes as he asked the question, noting the surprise there.

"Not during the training," she answered honestly and then furtively looked toward Rob and blushed, remembering how she had emotionally begged him to take her as his own when she had returned to the city.

"You have changed your mind about Stephen's intentions? You have intimated that you would take his collar at one point," Charles pressed.

"I think that with the holidays and starting a new year," she paused to collect her thoughts. "Well, I have realised that it has only been a year since I graduated and went to work for Mel. Not even a year since he introduced me to, to all this. The lifestyle and the people who are now such a big part of my life. I've been sad and mad and confused, so very confused since his death. I am not sure I am truly able to give all of me to someone else yet. I am worried that if I begged a collar now it wouldn't be right."

"Ah little one," Charles turned in the seat and wrapped his arms around her. "It is easy for us to forget the trauma you went through in Italy before you were returned to us." He looked across at Rob and Dorothea and saw the sadness in their eyes also. "Yours was a short but intense love, and that is not so easy to recover from."

"Each of us has lost a loved one," Dorothea said quietly. "It is difficult for those who haven't to understand the depth of pain that comes with the severing of those bonds. I marvel every day at the great strides Bella has made through her grief."

Bella sat back up as Charles released her from the fierce embrace and smiled up at Jake as he brought the desserts to their table himself. He placed what looked like a spherical red apple on the table before each of them and then to their astonishment poured hot chocolate fudge sauce onto the place it sat on. The heat caused the skin of the apple to peel down in leaves, revealing an ice cream center.

"I call it Eden's apple, too tempting not to take a bite, right" Jake grinned.

"It looks amazing," Bella gasped and picked up her spoon to try it. She took a scoop of the ice cream and ran the spoon through the fudge before filling her mouth with appreciative murmurs.

"I have to get back to the kitchen, but I was thinking now that the training thing is over you might be open to a date? Somewhere other than here," he laughed. "We could both use the change of scenery, and I know this great little seafood place on the river."

"A date?" Bella was startled.

"Yes a date, you remember dating. The guy picks up the girl, they go out and do something fun, and if the mood's right they come back home and do something funner," he joked with her, unsure of her reaction.

"That sounds as tempting as this dessert," she smiled, not committing herself.

"Best to wait until after Monday and see what she decides about the training," Rob cut into the conversation.

"Just trying to jump the queue," Jake laughed. "Don't forget I asked first." He winked at Bella and strolled back to the kitchen.

"We might need to look at that list again, Bella. You may need a social secretary as well," Dorothea laughed. Bella shook her head, laughing softly at the joke. She didn't believe that there would be more than a handful of curious people who might ask her out.

"That's not a bad idea," Charles chimed in. "If you end the training and do not beg a collar straight away, you may find your social calendar offer-flowing with offers."

"I could do it to start with," Dorothea volunteered, "Weed out the riff raff, make some discreet inquiries. I have some very good connections within the club and the company. I am not sure either Rob or Kurt has the time or inclination to vet them all themselves. There aren't too many other people I'd trust to do it properly."

"I don't know," Rob said frowning. "It would be difficult to keep her safe if she was gallivanting off with random people to who knows where."

"I wouldn't want to go anywhere other than here with someone I didn't know," Bella said. "Despite what you think, I have learned from all those little mistakes, Master." There was sadness mixed with the frustration in her voice as she worried that he would restrict her movements again.

"There is time to discuss these things. Let's just all relax and have a think about the things we have discussed. The point of my being here was to find out what you wanted little one, not what everyone wants for you," Charles said. "I would prefer it if you were settled with a good and loving Master, but as always, it is your choice, and no one can force you to it before you are ready."

"Thank you, Master Charles, I hadn't considered that everyone would be so concerned about what I did after the training had ended," Bella admitted. "I'm sorry about that, and I will think about everything you have said."

"Good girl," Charles smiled. "Now eat your dessert before it melts entirely."

*****

Bella now knew why Stephen was had been aloof and distant since her return from the ranch. She spent some time considering how he must be feeling having been told to give her space to think after their last night together. In truth, she was grateful that she had another week of the embargo Charles had placed on her. But she knew she needed to speak to Stephen, honestly, about how she was feeling.

"The thing is," Bella said as Dorothea stretched out on the couch, the evening now growing late. "I do love Stephen, and I believe he loves me, it's just that," she took a deep breath, "It just that he has a jealous streak, and I worry about the consequences of that, for me. I mean what if he tries to limit my access to you or Rob, I couldn't bear that. We argued about that at the ranch, and he all but ignored me afterwards."

"Oh sweetheart, I can guarantee you, he did the exact opposite of ignoring you. He just watched over you from a distance, but he knew every move you made," Dorothea laughed softly.

"You didn't see him, he was so angry with me, when I hesitated..." she blushed deeply. "I was wearing someone else's collar, and I had committed to everything that went along with it," she hedged, hoping Dorothea would understand her meaning without having to admit to the scene that happened.

"You know Mel also did some things he wouldn't have done before setting his sights on you. Love does strange things to men like them. They have this ideal submissive in their mind's eye and when they find the one who fits that picture, they will bend the rules to their needs." Dorothea smiled softly, "His reaction scared you?"

"Maybe a little but I was more disappointed, I think," she admitted. "It wasn't the only time he reacted badly to seeing me with another Master, but he was very angry at me when I was trying to do the right thing, for everyone. It just added to my confusion."

"I would guess that his anger was at himself, not you," Dorothea said, trying to reassure her. "Still you need to take the time to deal with your confusion. You also need to put Mel to rest properly, and you shouldn't move on until you can give all of yourself. That was a very wise and brave thing you admitted to Charles, and it will bear weight with the other shareholders too. They need to be reminded of your trauma. That you were in that dreadful scene with Mel when he was shot and that it has not been that long since he was laid to rest. Not only him, but his son, Vince."

"What if I am never ready? What if I don't want to date? What if I just want to concentrate on work?" Bella chewed her lip as the questions tumbled out of her mouth. "I didn't know Jake would ask me on a date. I hadn't even really thought about it, as all my partners to various charity things all seemed to just be there at the time I needed an escort."

"When you are ready to date," Dorothea emphasised the when in her sentence, "I think you will have many offers to choose from. Some you will know, some you won't. You are young and rich and famous within our social circles, but you also have an almost impenetrable wall of friends and family around you to protect you from people who would want to take advantage of that." She chuckled then, making Bella look at her curiously.

"Poor Andrew," she grinned, "He underestimated you. If you date, there will be a few like that. Good men who are still learning how to be good Masters."

"I don't want to be dating everyone and anyone," Bella shook her head. "I just want to live a normal life for a little while."

"What is normal for you?" Dorothea asked gently. "Your life has been far from what you knew as normal a year ago. You can't go back to that life anymore, even if you wanted to. Your circumstances have changed in a very profound way."

"I know," Bella sighed. "I just want to be able to wake up and go to work and build the business I wanted. I want to be able to see and have fun with my friends and the people I love. I want to learn new things and discover new places, but I want to do that with the people I care about. I just want some time to not feel pressured or obligated to make decisions I am not ready to make."

"So let them all huff and puff and tell you what they think. In the end, the choice is yours as to what you do next. Charles came tonight to ask you directly, which shows the depth of his fondness for you. Rob adores you more than you probably realise and will stand up to any of them if you needed him to; I dare say Kurt feels similarly. You know how Stephen feels."

"Yes I do, but I need to tell him what I am feeling at the moment," Bella said softly and gnawed on her lip.

"I think you need to tell a few others too," Dorothea smiled. "I know it is not in your nature to stand up to these men, but you are stronger than anyone thinks, including yourself."

"I wish I could go home this weekend," Bella sighed. "It isn't that they tell me what to do or even know the full extent of my life here in the city, but it's nice to just be loved and looked after without any expectation. They just appreciate having me home and make me feel that everything will always work out for the best."

"You could Skype them, the time difference isn't so bad," she suggested. "You can call them in the morning and set up a time. I am sure they would like that as much as you would."

"I would like that. It's about as close as I can get to being with them," Bella agreed.

"Have you given any thought to going back to Italy? It might help you to make some decisions," Dorothea asked gently, seeing the opening she had been waiting for to broach the subject. "You could maybe join your parents for the end of their trip and explore some of those glass suppliers Andrew found when he was there last year."

"Last year makes it seem so long ago, and we have hardly moved forward at all since then," Bella lamented. The accident was such a blur to her; even at the time, it made no sense and what she remembered she couldn't be sure if it were real or what she had been told by doctors and friends during her recovery. She wasn't sure if she ever wanted to return there and she became melancholy as she considered the prospect. "It's something to think about," she responded without emotion.

"It's not something you have to decide straight away, but I am sure they would love to have you there with them," Dorothea spoke softly, seeing the change in Bella's body language and tone.

"I'll need to get up early to call Mum and Dad," Bella gave a weak smile. "I'll make breakfast for us myself. I so rarely get to cook here, it will be fun." She tried to sound jovial, but the sentiment didn't carry to her voice. "I better get to bed, though, or I will never get up in time."

Dorothea stood with Bella and took her in a fierce hug, "I am sorry if I upset you. I wouldn't hurt you for all the world. You are such an important part of my life, and I adore you, Bella."

"I love you," Bella replied simply, returning the hug. "I am just tired. I will see you in the morning." Bella walked to her room. She had thought she was over the numbness that plagued her after Mel's death. She could talk about him now without feeling tears prickle her eyes. She had packed up his belongings and moved his furniture from the apartment, almost eradicating him from her immediate world. She could never do that in truth; he was everywhere. He was here in this apartment; he was a looming figure in the company and the club and a very real part of her circle of friends, who had all come together in some way through him and his partner Rob.

Despite all this, the numbness seemed to have been kept at bay until she thought about returning to Italy and the scene of the crime. It wasn't an accident as it was often referred to. It was cold blooded murder. A crime so heinous the perpetrator was in jail for a lifetime and, considering his age, it would be the entirety of his lifetime. In her mind, she saw the road, the fallen tree and then darkness; her memory only sensed the weight of his body, his smell and the warm wetness of the blood that seeped from his body taking away his life and in turn her life as she knew it.

Her stomach tightened as she relived those feeling again, it had been so long, yet not long enough and she felt the numbness of not wanting to feel any of those things overtake her again. Stripping and flopping naked onto the bed, she lay looking at the ceiling. How could she ever belong to another when just the mention of returning to Italy can reduce her to mess all over again? Was she wrong to stay? Should she have cut her losses and left the world Mel opened up to her? Should she have left her friends and the company she now owned part of? Kurt would have looked after her interests. She certainly had the money now to make a go of the business on her own if she wanted to. Should she leave? Would they let her?

Everybody kept telling her that it was her choice. It being everything she realised with sudden clarity. If she truly wanted to leave, they couldn't stop her. She had given them that power over her life. She listened to their commands and suggestions and chose to do as they asked. What would happen, she wondered, if she suddenly stopped? It was a ludicrous thought of course. She loved her friends and her work. She was excited about building a business of her own. She had so many ideas that were on the verge of becoming a reality that she knew she couldn't walk away.

She could be stronger, though, more out-spoken. She could have handled Andrew this afternoon rather than running to Dorothea to confirm her feeling that he was beginning to dominate their work relationship with his new promotion. She needed to try harder to speak what was on her mind, instead of second guessing herself all the time and worrying about looking silly in front of the very people she believed loved her.

Her thoughts moved to the business and company, and she fell asleep with the spectre of Mel's death fading back into the dark corners of her mind again.

*****

"Good morning," Bella said cheerily from the kitchen as she slipped two eggs into the boiling water to poach them. "Did you sleep well?"

"I did indeed," Dorothea said happily. "You look like you got some sleep too. Did you call your parents?"

"I did, indeed," Bella giggled, borrowing Dorothea's words. "They were so happy about the idea of Skype that my cousin set it up straight away for them on her laptop."

"That's wonderful. Are they enjoying their trip?" she asked, buoyed by Bella's good mood after the way they had left the conversation the night before.

"Mum's having the time of her life. Dad could barely get a word in," Bella laughed. "She broke into speaking Italian so often I am still not sure of all the details." Putting the finishing touches on the plates of eggs benedict, Bella sat at the bench across of Dorothea, "Bon Appetite."

"This looks lovely," Dorothea praised her efforts easily. "So what's on the agenda for the rest of the day?"

"I was thinking about everything that happened last night. I had wondered why Stephen had suddenly gotten too busy to spend an evening with me and, while I am grateful, it wasn't very fair to either of us," Bella admitted. "I have missed his constant presence, not that I am ready to commit to him but neither am I ready to not have him in my life, and I have to tell him that. I need him to understand how I am feeling and if he can't then maybe it wasn't meant to be." She said it with conviction, knowing under Stephen's gaze that strength that she felt right now may very well ebb away.

"Men like Stephen are not used to waiting patiently for a girl to make up her mind. In fact, I would hazard a guess that he is used to women begging him for his collar on a weekly basis if not more often. Even Rob, who is stand-offish at best, still has girls approach him intending to wear his collar," Dorothea said conversationally, thinking that Bella would hear the warning without any tone attached to the words.

"I understand it's a risk, but it is what is right for me," Bella sighed and chewed her lip. "Mel is still here," she touched a finger to her forehead, "and here," she placed a hand over her heart. "I can't belong to another completely, give up my power totally to them, when part of it is still wrapped up in what was lost. Nobody wants to live in that shadow, and I do not wish them to."

"That man cast a large shadow in life and an even larger one in death. In asking his friends to be a part of your collaring and training, he gave them all a sense of entitlement when it came to you. While he entrusted Rob and Kurt to oversee your personal and professional welfare, they all feel some responsibility to ensure a good match is made for you, especially after you asked for their input into your training to continue." Dorothea spoke candidly instead of in the usual riddles that made Bella find the answers to her dilemmas on her own.

"I can see that now that you have pointed it out," Bella nodded. "At the time though, I knew it was what I needed and I asked for it. I think it finally sunk in last night that no one commands or controls me now. They suggest, strongly at times but still, it's my choice to heed their suggestions and submit to their desires. In the same way, though, if I want something they do not wish to give, it is their choice, and I cannot sway that."

"Oh, I think you can do quite a lot of swaying when you put your mind to it," Dorothea chuckled. "There isn't much that those men would deny you should you have the mind to ask. Including their collars, though then you would be sharing a master rather than having him all to yourself if you chose one who already had a girl of their own, and somehow I don't think you would be happy with that sort of an arrangement."

"Not at all," Bella shook her head and laughed, thinking Dorothea was teasing her. "Do you think if I asked Stephen if we could drive to the cove tomorrow so we could talk before Monday night's meeting, he would be able to without feeling like he as breaking this embargo thing?"

"I am sure that if you asked and he didn't invite you himself it would be quite fine, maybe just run it past Rob or Charles to be on the safe side. I'm sure Rob will want to know you are going out for the day anyway."

"Okay well after breakfast I will see if any of them are still awake and have a chat," Bella said, making the decision. "Then the rest of the day is ours, would you like to go shopping? We would have to take Lincoln because I promised, but he is sweet and tries to give me some personal space while still being at hand if I need him."