All Comments on 'Private Dancer'

I've never had a relationship with dancer , but have had friends who have. Let's just say their bodies are tight and taut, facially- no better or worse then any savvy woman with a fully equipped makeup case. They usually party very hard and live in a hypereality bubble that takes a good deal of the copious cash they make to maintain. jezzaz seems to know the territory of the club, it's protocol and the denizens who inhabit it.

Nifty story , flashy but on disposable end of spectrum. Regardless of that,a lot of craftsmanship was shown- dare I say pro qualitiy? Well jezzaz is going to need to get paid on some level , if he's going to do requisite research for more stories like this. Elisabeth Shue got nominated for Academy award as topless dancer in " Leaving Las Vegas". Such a downer movie ...if jezzaz had punched up the script , she might have won.

I really wanted to punch the protagonist in the face at the end. He's no different than Janice, and Alby is worse. Very well crafted, but not a lot there to make anybody feel good.

Well-written, gripping, original and oh, so unsavory, so very unsavory.

And would deny Alby her pleasure. Oh dear.

I thought this was a nicely crafted Jezzaz story. A nice little quickie. As I wasn't keen on the last Ingrams and gave up half-way through, I was rather happy to see this author back on top of his game.

Lue

Long winded 'flash'. 2*

The characters: One blind married lawyer, one woman doing what's necessary to support herself and her little sister and 3 cheaters of the worst kind! 2 of these cheaters are married to each other, so it's a happy family! The other cheater is a serial cheater that uses her friend's death as an excuse for cheating around. The plot is original and with a lot of twists, but as @Ximand says answering the last question in the story: "No, he doesn't"!! And sooner than later he will pay for all he is doing! 2*

Nicely executed, too.

In the first few paragraphs was reinforce every bullshit stereotype about exotic dancers their industry and sex workers in general in a particularly nasty and mysoginistic way while inventing brand new ones.

You might say in your defence you were only writing a character however such vile misinformation and whorephobia should never be diseminated by anyone purporting to write erotica.

Yes, inaccurate stereotypes and demeaning treatment of women are apparently acceptable again in America.

After reading this nonsense I felt as if I'd been covered in the cowshed of "Requital.'

Good story, well written. And the twist puts it way above average!

Since "words" this writer has never failed to let me down. Pretty remarkable.

Awesome job. I did not see that coming.

Minor po int - she lifts up her skirt and runs her finger up her slit, then LATER takes off her g-string?

Interesting twist at the end! I haven't made up my mind yet how I feel about that!

Oh how I wish FTDS could pick up and find a path forward from the husband's "newly-enlightened" perspective...

Great flash story... great twist at the end.

It really would have worked well without the twist too.

Thanks.

Beautifully written, not vey explicit or erotic. Makes you want to read the entire story to find our what happens and why. Good "change" at the end.

This was original and well done. Thanks, I know it is a lot of hard work.

This is one pathway through a difficult situation. It is really impossible to say who threw the first stone. One thing that seems clear to me, he really loves Alby enough to try to restore instead of blowing up their relationship.

but got sorta nasty in the last two or three paragraphs. Distasteful people. But it would be a good start to a serial, just saying....Would be fun to know about Alby and what drives her need for extra-curricular activities. 4*

Nicely written. Thanks for sharing your work.

Nice little flash story

Nice little twist on an unusual situation. Loved the strip club locale too. Good stuff.

Is the only honest person,the narrator and alby are the scummy ones. she probably was the only one who truly loved of all the rest; having an affair with a woman she knew was married was not great,but she did love,I doubt the narrator or alby knew what it was.

No eroticism in this at all.

Very creative. Five stars.

I really liked the story, as it reminded me of the years when I spent many nights in the strip clubs. The girls weren't all hardened by the life (most were, I'll admit) and I did meet a couple working for specific goals (earning enough to fly home to Australia, saving money for a boob reduction) but most had become caught up in the lifestyle. You captured the feelings and atmosphere nicely.

I saw no obvious technical errors, though I would perhaps question your use of punctuation in the second to last paragraph: "... no reason he would -, well, someone had to ...". Dash AND Comma? That seems fine when I read it aloud, but looks odd to me.

I disagree with njlauren below that 2 of the characters are guilty and the third innocent. I would say rather that all three are flawed individuals, with Alby and the narrator sneaking around on her husband, and Janice as well seeking to break into or breakup an existing marriage with children. Janice is probably the least guilty, but has also had the least time to sin.

I am always pleased to see a new story under your name, and this was again a pleasure. Thanks to you for creating and sharing it with us.

Chillhaze

But well written.

But for some reason the story was not enjoyable. I can't get over the implication of all these children in such fucked up dysfunctional families. Anyone who thinks the children don't know and are not affected is simply stupid. So its kind of like watching a food fight among adults, more embarrassing than anything else.

I think I cannot rate this story since I can't appreciate the difference between its quality versus its impact, which is really negative. Just ugly nasty people with dismal depressing lives. One almost hopes that a fatal accident or terminal illness will offer one of these people the opportunity to start over and get it right.

Reading this story is like watching someone very methodically and efficiently kill a brood of baby seals. Congratulations?

A nice twist ending- I enjoyed the concept. I had sympathized with the wife and her husband until we found out they weren't married to each other. So, instead of having some dead girlfriend issues, we find that the woman is just a multiple adulterer. Not too sympathetic now. The guy is a lawyer, so my sympathy for him was already absent. Still, a fun concept. Ignore the jaded LV anons, as usual.

You used to be a decent writer.

Very well done. Great writing. Excellent twist. Thank you.

Everyone is a piece of shit. Author included. 1/5

Well, Trump is, so why not you?

Well, if you put it that way: so dear Hillary is ethical and moral Clinton? Wow, that's enlightening...

First let's preface the whole. This was well written and certainly a five. And now...

I'd say clever in this regard. There are three adulterous people; one corporate lawyer and two wives. Then there is an exotic dancer living on the razor's edge, and last one unknowing loving innocent husband. And alas somewhere trapped in this morass are three completely innocent children, the girls. This made for a clever confrontation between a scheming selfish lawyer and a desperate young woman. This was good, good and depressing, but good.

Now here we go... Jezzaz you've piled up the cord wood and sprinkled it liberally with gasoline. Somewhere out there is an innocent patent lawyer who's wife has complicated her 'normal' life with one deceitful second life and then added a deceitful third life. Has our adulterous wife spread herself one relationship too thinly? What if our innocent patent lawyer gets suspicious? What if he starts to investigate? Where would it lead? To his 'helpful' frat brother turned back stabbing creep? To the desperate 'low life' exotic dancer? To his back stabbing low life frat brother's despicable wife? To his own lying deceitful wife?

So Jezzaz what do YOU do? Do you throw in the match and take all your loyal readers like me into the swamp? Or are you going to play 'Just Plain Bob' and leave us wondering? Clearly the innocent patent lawyer has a name, and his tale, as his life unravels, needs to be told. HOW ABOUT IT?

Jedd Clampett

Man up Jezaz and finish the damn story.

Brilliant. Clever. Great twist ending. Five out of five. Totally not what I expected. I enjoy a good surprise.

Jezzaz is one of my favourite authors and I was delighted to see a new story by him.

I know this is described as a flash story. But I hope he writes more about these characters again in the future.

And yes the protagonist is deliciously reprehensible. But smart.

Cheers

Steve

Hell of a twist. You got the side guy trying to run off another lover.

This is one of the most original stories posted in this category. For that, you deserve the highest regards.

Thanks for sharing. 5*

Original yes. Frankly, I found most of the originality in the way the protag dealt with the problem in the first place. Moral blackmail. Excuse me: appealing to her better nature.

And making that pitch, to have him turn around and be a arrogant douchenozzle seems quite gratuitous to me. What did it add except to make this person more dislikable (something about him I didn't like from the start...but I don't insist on liking the protagonists at the start of a story. See Jamie Lannister) This guy was no Jamie Lannister.

Instead we decided to turn the dial to hate.

Did the story have craft? Yes. Did I believe it? Yes. Did the plot follow from one point to the next? Sure. Now we are on the 'did I like it' phase.

No, not much. I appreciated the story but that gratuitous flourish at the end, much like in Metamorph and in Out of Love just took a well crafted story and messed it up for no discernable reason.

Though to be fair, finding a great landing for this story would be difficult.

I would add that it makes the wife less sympathetic as well. It's one thing to have a sickness about the long lost love. But that doesn't explain the affair with this guy. She goes from being a sadly broken woman to a cheating slut in records time.

A very original story. Well written, nicely paced. You also managed to make every character kind of sad and pathetic. You also nailed strip club culture. Well done.

But who cares about any of these disgusting characters? Each one seems more worthless and amoral than the last. I couldn't even stand to finish it; just skimmed the second half.

Liked the story lots! The logic seemed to join up all the relevant dots and the breadcrumbs were interesting to follow - well done (most probably better than well done,)!

One has to wonder why all these worldly wise people fall for cheating sluts which she assuredly is.

THEY ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE, HERE I WOULD BURN THEM BOTH ALIVE...A BI CHEATING WIFE IS A DEAD BI CHEATING WIFE.

HE WAS WIMP.

I actually ended up quite liking the stripper. Nice twist.

LOL, I had forgotten the twist!

It's up to you to figure out who the POS is. There are too many to choose from. The lawyer, the dancer, the cheating wife? How about all of them.

is annony!!!!

and isn't that just what a story should be? 5*

I hate that you had me liking your protagonist when he turned out to be a backstabbing adulterous prick. Great story.

An interesting story, like the twist at the end.

5 stars

You nailed it. The protagonist seemed to be a rare gem: a reasonable lawyer (I hate lawyers). Calmly trying to correct a mistake and not hurt anyone. And he turns out to be scum (lawyer, see?) Very nice twist. In addition, the description of the strip club made me want to wash my hands and check my shoes for sponge. Great story. 5 stars.

I didn”t see that coming. And very well written. The Legal Beagle actually sounded and acted like a human bean!

5*. no sweat.

Five stars from me for a dramatic little tale. I particularly liked the fact that when you get through, there are not any good guys. Everybody is some degree of evil and duplicitous.

There are enough shitty characters in stories on this site. What is the point in adding three more?.....

As a pedantic music geek I have to say the song "I touch myself" was the Divinyls not the Vinyls.

The lead singer Chrissy Amphlett died of breast cancer and the song was used in a breast cancer campaign here in Australia.

Ouch

MC doesn't deserve to be happy. Not with Alby. He does deserve heartache, which is exactly what he's going to get with whack job Alby.

it IS a mildly clever twist but...

Dirt bag lawyer...

Why do these writers always think the husband is brain dead. This story would have been MUCH more interesting if the husband was watching from somewhere in the club and gave a grimace as he watched them both leave.

Another unusual twist by a top author except for this line - "Yes, I'm unethical and immoral."

Signed: BTW

Most people despise lawyers?

Never saw that ending coming! Regarding barristers, and to borrow a line from the Eagles:

“When I think about it, old Billy was right; let’s kill all the lawyers, let’s kill ‘em tonight!“

There's and omission here that a lawyer would never make.

The biggest threat. It's a bluff but it's a good one.

"What happens if you win? If she actually leaves me, I will sue for divorce. In the process I will sue you as well. I will sue for adultery. The relationship with her, You and your career, and your baby sister will all become clear to the judge. how long do you think child protective services will allow you to keep her, once they're brought into this?"

alby is just a complete slut isnt she.

and lawyers are once again portrayed as the vile pieces of human excrement so many of them turn into.

The telling of it is sublime, and the storyline itself is original and interesting.. Combined together and it’s a 5-star story.

But the subject matter, with the whor... I mean wife, not getting the BTB... and the true villain succeeding is what gets the low numbers. Not fair, but understandable.

5-stars & Favorite.

Just what did the lawyer do that was so evil??

He brought clarity and understanding to a situation that was doomed from the beginning. Yes, he may have benefitted by getting his old cheating whore back (who knows for how much longer?) , but he has saved Cleo from a much worse breakup and pain at a lost relationship among the little girls. And possibly losing custody of her own sister when exposed as unfit by reason of stripping. He has done Cleo a big favor. The crazy teacher is the one who needs to stop hurting others and get counselling!

Great change up!!!

Great story especially with the twist at the end. He's actually fighting to keep his love and get her away from the stripper. Wow, really enjoyed it. Good work.

Maybe the most cynical story I’ve ever read on Lit. Cheaters can be shameless sociopaths. Four stars.

good story, a bit different, thanks to the author and the editor

What a pathetically sad state of marriage in which the cheated spouse has to use their children as a pawn to keep the cheating spouse from leaving them for her lover. Another tale with a wimpy husband so it has to be a "realistic story".

Well that was some nasty shit. With the exception of the kids there wasn't a decent person in the lot. Burn them all down and nobody cares.

Hell of a twist. Great story.

He's crazy. Time of get the cops involved or just have him beaten really badly.

Quoting the Anon who wrote the comment, "What a pathetically sad state of marriage in which the cheated spouse has to use their children as a pawn to keep the cheating spouse from leaving them for her lover. Another tale with a wimpy husband so it has to be a "realistic story"."

Anonymous commenters are so funny sometimes; they skip massive parts of the story and then moan about details that they missed. Stating that it was about a cheated-upon spouse using his kids as pawns, is just too funny.

Fucked up story about fucked up people. Not a decent person amongst the lot.

1/5

Well, there's one I didn't see coming.

Thanks for sharing.

Another great story from a wonderful author 5*

Wargamer said pretty much everything that needed to be said:

"Fucked up story about fucked up people. Not a decent person amongst the lot."

The only innocents are the children. The clueless husband cannot be much of a husband if he pays so little attention to his wife that she has cheated for years without him figuring it out.

The guy is totally sick.

Not one of your better works.

"Yes, I'm unethical and immoral" he's a lawyer, that's redundant.

Geez...all the folks who didn't like the twist must not have had anything to stroke to.

Well written story… but so fucked up! Thanks I enjoyed this read

Huh?

So fucked up...

Alby is just about the lowest form of human there is.

Quite a twisted tale.

Alby is one fucked human being.

Someone needs to clue her husband in.

Would makea very good sequel.

Good twist :)

The sweetest irony would be if Alby's husband was screwing around with the lolyers wife or in fact ended up in bed with Janice or both... perhaps he's built like a modern SUV trying to park in a 1980s parking lot. Maybe Mr lolyer is a more 'compact' model that can fit better in her parking space.

Lovely twist that I didn't see coming thanks for sharing.

omg. what a selfish a@#h0le. i really didn't see that one till it was revealed

Skip the political jibes next time.

What a twist at the end, masterpiece

Soy un inmoral si confieso que termine leyendo muerto de la risa, por ese giro final?

Great turn around!!!

Well done!

Great story. Well done with a delightful twist at the end! But please drop the politics. You just piss off half your readers.

You’re a good writer. Too bad you need to need to sprinkle in you woke bias. Stay out of politics it alienates people. The last time I noticed it you it part of the MC views. Now you have proven that is you.