All Comments on 'Reception'

This sucks because it is NOT complete. But, as a first part, it is quite good. Had it been labeled as Part 1, there would be no confusion and my comment would be more complimentary. There is a lot of potential here for a very good longer story, since not even one of them has orgasmed yet.

A bit juvenile, but keep writing. You have potential.

There's potential but you have to be willing to work towards it. If we critique your work don't spaz out and think we're being mean. We're being honest. There were parts of it that were just utterly hilarious for the wrong reasons.

Your tenses are all muddled.

Your words: "I had to get the new password for the WiFi from the receptionist at the hostel I am staying at"

My words: "Shit!", I yelled at my computer, knowing it had done nothing wrong but those bastards upstairs kept changing the f*ing password, now I needed to get a new one.

You counted 16 too many times... It's not even that large a number and it didn't need repetition. It didn't even need to be there in the first place. If you wanted to make it seem like the journey was longer than expected it should have been sixteen; as in "I climbed the unnecessary sixteen steps towards that stupid reception desk upstairs. It was starting to get on my nerves. I'd done this like a million times before."

He gets horny from seeing the word sex. When was the last time you saw SEX and sprung a boner unless it was outside a gentleman's club.

He changes personalities halfway through... He goes from just a little shy to forcing someone to suck him off in a matter of a few minutes. He doesn't decide to first peek in and see what the girl in the shower is doing.... He listens to her moan and immediately spits in his hand and starts jacking himself off before he's even opened the door. I don't know about you but that seems a little unrealistic...

Other mistakes like this crop up at the most inopportune times. Check, recheck and re-recheck your work all the time... Ask yourself if something makes sense and if not rewrite it.

You have potential and so does this story but please read through and make sure you don't have things like, "As she cleaned herself I sat on the top bunk and listened ambiently to both my music and what was going on in the shower."

***Thanks for the read.