Reinventing Emma

"Guess again," she laughed.

"Another season of Andromeda?" I wasn't particularly crazy about that show, but I watched it with her because it was fun with Sophie. I once joked with her about watching Dr. Who and she told me I wasn't ready for that yet. The girl's mind was seriously warped.

"Not even close," she replied. That's when I realized what she meant.

"Please no!" I groaned, knowing there was no point in arguing.

"It's Bad Movie Night!" she cried.

"Every night is Bad Movie Night with you," I snapped. "You have the worst taste in movies I've ever seen."

"Hey, it's not like I've seen any of these before," she laughed. "I just like picking movies that's aren't popular. I admit most of them are pretty bad, but there's been a few good ones too."

"I can't think of one," I disagreed. "The last one was so bad I think time actually slowed down during it." That made her laugh again.

"Hey, at least it wasn't Sci-Fi or Fantasy."

"That's because you've already seen all of those movies," I retorted. "Thank God!"

Things got a little weird for me after Halloween, but I quickly came to grips with it. The whole idea of me liking girls was crazy and I realized it the next morning. I wasn't interested in girls that way. Well, okay, sometimes I felt a twinge with Sophie, but she was the only one and that probably had to do with our closeness more than anything else.

Still, after three weeks, I was starting to think I should start thinking about dating a guy. I could use the distraction. Maybe I was just horny or something.

"It was pretty bad, but let's be honest," Sophie said. "We knew it would be. I mean, Showgirls was rated like the worst movie of the decade, maybe even ever made."

"True," I admitted with a sigh. It was the most confusing and pointless movie I ever watched. Bad actresses dancing half naked and doing nothing worthwhile with their lives. Worse, toward the end the two female leads kiss for apparently no reason. That didn't really bother me in and of itself, but my focus was split between the screen and Sophie's full lips for the rest of the movie. Thankfully, it wasn't very long. "But this time, I'm picking the movie."

"Okay, just remember the rule," she replied. "Neither one of us can ever have heard of it before."

"You mean like Showgirls?" I retorted.

"That one doesn't count," she argued. "We both were curious and neither of us had seen it before."

"Fine," I sighed. "But get ready for something stupid. I don't want to watch anything that's going to make me think."

"I'm up for whatever," she shrugged going to the closet and the popcorn to put in the microwave.

It didn't take me long to find something. I stumbled on to it and figured it would be perfect for my mood. It was a silly spy parody. The cover had of all things, four girls dressed in plaid schoolgirl skirts.

"You're going to love this," I said, attaching her laptop to the television with the HDMI cable so we could watch it on the bigger screen. "It sounds so bad it has to be funny."

"What's it called?" Sophie asked.

"Um, D.E.B.S.," I said, looking at the title page once more. "The tagline is 'They're crime fighting hotties with killer bodies'."

"Never heard of it," she said as she waited for the popcorn to finish. "But it sounds like a movie for guys."

"I know, right?" I laughed, throwing our blankets and pillows on the floor in front of the television as usual.

"Couldn't you just pick a chick flick like a normal girl?" Sophie sighed, but I knew she was just joking. She loved bad movies and lot of the movies made for guys were the worst. We would spend the entire time watching them, making comments and laughing.

We got comfortable once the popcorn was done and put on the movie. I settled in my normal spot. So did Sophie. She handed me a wine cooler without comment.

"You know," I sighed as I opened the bottle. "I think I may be getting addicted to these things too."

"I have a feeling we're going to need them tonight," she retorted. "This movie has all the marking of something really bad." As far as I was concerned the credits alone proved her right.

"Oh my God," I laughed before the movie really started. "This is going to be great!"

"I can feel brain cells dying already."

"Shush, I don't want to miss anything!" I joked back. "Drink your wine cooler."

The movie was pretty bad, but it was just what I was in the mood for, at least until about fifteen or twenty minutes in when I realized it wasn't going to be quite what I expected.

"No way!" I groaned. Sophie took one look at my expression and burst out laughing.

"Yes way," she said afterward. "Only you could pick this kind of movie and it be about two girls who like each other."

"I don't believe it," I argued, but it was pretty obvious. They weren't trying to be subtle about it at all. Who was I trying to kid? The whole plot of the movie revolved around the female villain's infatuation with one of the D.E.B.S. and her obvious reciprocation. "At least it's funny."

"Only in that, 'oh my God, they didn't really just do that' kind of a way," Sophie argued. "I mean, come on! The villain disappears and leaves a carpet of diamonds on the ground as her calling card?"

"Well, her name is Lucy Diamond," I shrugged and suddenly we're both laughing again.

We watched the movie to its very predictable ending, joking and laughing the whole time. The villain sort of reminded me of Sophie, not that they looked all that much alike. I mean, they both had dark hair, but frankly I was built more like the actress than Sophie. It was actress's dark eyes and sexy smile that reminded me of my roommate.

"Are you sure you didn't pick this movie on purpose?" Sophie asked me as we stood and threw our blankets and pillows back on our respective beds. "I mean, you weren't all that convincing on Halloween when I asked you if you were a lesbian." This time I knew she was just teasing me. That didn't stop me from being annoyed just the same.

"That again?" I groaned. "For the last time. I am not gay! And don't you dare quote Shakespeare at me again! I had no idea the movie was about two lesbian spies."

"Still, you picked a movie with four half-dressed coeds on the cover," Sophie teased. "Maybe you are gay and just don't realize it yet? Maybe you picked it subconsciously."

"Don't make me come over there," I threatened as we got ready for bed. She just laughed again. It was time to go on the offensive. "Now that I think about it, maybe you're the one who is hiding from her inner lesbian." She rolled her eyes, but that didn't stop me.

"I mean after all, most of the shows you like seem to have gay couples in them. You were the one who told me about Xena and Gabrielle, and if I'm not reading it wrong it looks like Willow in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the new girl Tara are headed that way." We were around halfway through the fourth season.

"Please!" she snorted. "That's ridiculous. Not that you're wrong about Willow and Tara."

We went back and forth for a few minutes until we were both ready for bed. I'd like to say I wasn't bothered by her teasing, but honestly I wasn't sure. On the other hand, she didn't seem bothered by my taunts in the least.

I climbed into bed and fluffed my pillowed. Sophie followed suit.

"How about we agree that neither of us are lesbians and we drop the subject?" I asked as we both settled in. Sophie shut the light as I continued. "The whole this is silly anyway."

"If you say so," she teased, but then added more seriously. "You know I'm just playing with you." She paused before adding. "Besides, like I said on Halloween, I wouldn't care even if you were. All that matters is that we're best friends."

"It means that much to you?" I asked in surprise.

"Doesn't it mean the same for you?" she asked in reply. I thought about it for a moment and smiled. I knew she couldn't see it, but that didn't matter.

"Of course," I replied. "I wouldn't care if you were a lesbian or even a Martian for that matter, just as long as we stayed best friends."

"Well, in that case..." she began, pausing briefly and then finishing with "I'm a Martian." I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. I didn't really think she was going to say she was a lesbian, but for a moment I found myself wondering how I would react if it were true? The answer was that I had no idea.

I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be pretty. Intellectually I knew it was no big deal and there was nothing wrong with it, but on an emotional level it would probably freak me out. It's not easy to stop how you feel about something or someone even when you know the feelings are wrong. Sort of like the ones I was having toward Sophie.

Okay, now I'd gone and confused myself. How could I think my feelings for Sophie were wrong and yet believe that there was nothing wrong with being gay? The two were pretty much mutually exclusive, right? I guess that sort of proved my point. Understanding intellectually and accepting emotionally were two different things.

I didn't think being gay was wrong. That meant that if I did like Sophie like that than I shouldn't feel bad about it, but whenever I thought I might, I did. It didn't matter what my brain knew, there was a part of that insisted it was wrong.

"So we're agreed," Sophie said, thankfully dragging me from my inner turmoil. "Neither of us is gay, but if we were it would be no big deal."

"You're really hung up on this issue, aren't you?" I sighed.

"Hey, I just don't want our friendship to stop you from being who you really are. You're my best friend and wouldn't matter to me whatever sex you prefer," Sophie said in a kind voice, and then added before I could object. "I know, I know, you're not a lesbian. Let's drop it. I promise not to bring it up again."

"Thank you," I sighed. It was pretty obvious that she really thought I might be gay. I had no idea why. I mean, sure I didn't date guys, but it's not like I avoided them or was uncomfortable around them.

"Not that there's anything wrong with it," she just had to add.

"I don't want to hear another word about sexual preference from you unless it's about yours!" I retorted in annoyance.

"In that case, I prefer being on the bottom."

"Seriously?" I couldn't help laugh.

"Well, you asked," she replied, but I could hear the laughter in her voice.

"That's not what I meant and you know it," I said shaking my head. "Now go to sleep and forget the whole subject."

"Deal," she replied. I heard her shifting on her bed. "Do you mind if I put on some music?"

"Go ahead," I said, rolling onto my side. The music came on and as soon as I could make out the first song I groaned. "Seriously?" Sophie was laughing too hard to respond at first. "You picked this song on purpose."

"I swear!" she gasped out between laughing. "I didn't! It just came on."

"Whatever!" I groaned, shaking my head. The song was Katy Perry's 'I Kissed A girl'. Sophie laughed pretty much the entire song. It was only half over when I snapped, "Would you just change the song already?"

"Not on your life!" she retorted, continued to laugh. I said some unpleasant things and tried to ignore her and the song. I only succeeded partially. The worse part was that she continued to have fits of giggling long after the song was over.

********

The bus dropped me off less than three blocks from my dorm. I immediately started walking with my bags. I was never so happy to be somewhere in my life. Going home for Thanksgiving had been a huge mistake, although it's not like I had a choice. The school closed the dorms for the holiday. I mean, sure it was good to see my parents, but it was weird to be there.

Mom and Dad were so happy to see me in normal clothes and telling typical stories that college kids told that their beaming smiles were almost embarrassing. That was still better than the looks I saw some of my relatives giving me. They had no idea how to talk to me. It was like I was a stranger. I guess it made sense. I had reinvented myself, but they had to know that deep down I was still the same girl, right?

It would have been better if my Grandfather had shown, but something came up last minute at his church and he couldn't make it. That happened a lot so we were all used to it. Still, it sucked. He was the only person I truly felt comfortable being myself with other than Sophie, which was pretty odd when you realized just how much I was keeping from her. I could never keep anything from Grandfather.

I hadn't realized just how much talking to Sophie was changing the way I felt about things. I'd always known my parents were pretty much in their own little bubble and didn't see the world like it really was, but seeing just how close minded they were was shocking. The rest of the family wasn't really that much better. I tried bringing up a few issues during dinner and their reactions were so...well, naïve might be the best word, or at least the kindest. I think some of my cousins understood where I was coming from, but none of them were about to do anything to upset their parents. That was my job. Everyone knew I was the black sheep of the family.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I tried to escape my parents for a few hours and bumped into some old friends. It was awkward to say the least, yet one of the guys still tried to convince me to go home with him. I guess it was understandable. It wasn't like I hadn't done it in the past. I forgot how much I hated the old me. Sure, I realized recently that it was time to start dating guys again, but what he wanted had nothing to do with dating.

I was home for only a few hours before I started thinking about the three versions of myself once more, something I'd almost been able to put behind me this last month at college. Amelia, the innocent girl I'd been before we moved to the city would have waited until her wedding night before making love. Mia...well, Mia would have gone with the guy out of boredom if nothing else. Emma, the new me, wasn't against sharing herself with someone if she cared enough for them. It might not be love, but it wouldn't be anything as crude as simple fucking either.

I reached my dorm and quickly climbed to my floor. I had no idea if Sophie was back yet, but I was hoping she was. I needed to forget this past week. I put one of my bags down and opened the door. Sophie was inside. She saw me and smiled in greeting, but it quickly disappeared.

"Wow, I'd ask you how your holiday was, but based on how you look, it couldn't have been all that great," Sophie said as soon as I walked into our room. "You want to talk about it?"

"One day," I sighed, admitting there was something bothering me when I probably shouldn't have. On the other hand, she knew me too well not to see it anyway.

I really did need someone to talk to and there was no one I'd rather do that with than her, but what if what I told her affected our friendship? Sophie meant too much to me these days to chance it. Frankly, I wasn't sure I could survive without her. Not after being home and seeing how easy it would be to fall back into being the old me. Sophie had somehow become the anchor that tied me to Emma.

"Parents?" she guessed.

"Yes," I replied, but then added, "Not really. I mean they're part of it, but there's a lot more to it than that."

"Tell me," she insisted. I was so tempted to do exactly that, but I couldn't. Not yet.

"Maybe later," I said.

"Okay," she said with a concerned look. She paused for a moment. I knew she was trying to decide if she should push it or not. I was relieved when she changed the subject. "Do you want to go out? A bunch of people are meeting at Murphy's." Murphy's was a local college hangout.

"Not tonight," I replied. "Tonight I need a wine cooler, some popcorn and a stupid sci-fi or fantasy television show to bury myself in. Hell, I'd even take a Bad Movie Night right about now."

"Hmm," she said thoughtfully. "This calls for something new, something special. Are you in the mood for a space western or an updated Buck Rodgers type of show?"

"Buck Rodgers?" I asked.

"You'll love Farscape," she grinned. "But if you don't we can always switch to Firefly. We'll probably watch them both eventually anyway."

"Have I ever mentioned you are one odd girl?" I snorted, feeling better already.

"I'm just happy I finally have someone who likes the same types of shows I do," she shrugged. "Alex never understood my love of all things sci-fi and fantasy." I didn't want to talk about Alex right now, although I was happy to see Sophie able to bring him up without looking overly pained.

"What are we going to watch when we run out of sci-fi and fantasy shows?"

"Run out?" she laughed. "That will never happen. Doctor Who alone has over thirty seasons and even I lost track of how many different Star Trek shows there have been over the years."

"You can't be serious?" I asked in amazement, making her laugh even harder.

"Don't worry," she replied. "If we ever do run out of television shows and movies, there's always books. I've been meaning to introduce you to some of my favorite authors."

"Actually, I'd like that," I admitted. "I could use something to distract me when I'm at home. My parents flip out if I watch too much television."

"Are you sure your parents are actually human?" Sophie teased. "Maybe they're the ones from Mars? Either that, or maybe they're time travelers from the past?"

"Sometimes I wonder," I said, laughed for the first since I got back. Well, actually, probably since I left to go home in the first place. Sophie was smiling at me. I knew she'd made me laugh on purpose and I loved her for it. "You know, let's hold off on watching something new. Let's go back to Buffy. The last season is starting to get interesting."

"Buffy it is," she said, reaching for her laptop. It wasn't long before we were in our normal places on the carpet. Two shows and four wine coolers later I was feeling pretty good. We decided to watch one more episode.

"Looks like Willow is getting a new girlfriend," Sophie said as we watched. I didn't bother commenting. It would only fuel her to say something I didn't want to hear or talk about tonight.

At one point during the show Willow and her soon to be new girlfriend are sitting in a bar talking about when they first realized they were lesbians. The new girl pretty much always knew, but Willow only realized it when she fell in love with Tara for the first time. That's when Willow said eight words that totally threw me.

"It wasn't women. It was woman. Just one."

I still wasn't convinced I was gay, but if I were, I knew it was something like that for me. Whatever I was feeling was tied to Sophie. That much was obvious. My mind kept going back to that as we watched the episode and I was having problems focusing, especially with Sophie so close. I was relieved when it finally ended.

"Thanks, I needed that," I said getting up off the floor, throwing my stuff back on the bed and putting the last two empty bottles of wine coolers in the garbage we used for them. "Wow, five wine coolers each. We really were in the mood."

"Don't worry," she smiled. "We've still got two left. It's my turn to buy. I'll ask Beth to get us another case tomorrow." Beth was an upperclassman who was pretty nice and didn't mind making an alcohol run for us occasionally.

My mind was still spinning from the wine coolers and thoughts about the last episode so I decided I needed to get out of the room for a bit. I reached for my robe and towel. "I'm going to take a shower before I go to bed." I needed some time away from my roommate to figure some stuff out.

"I'll probably be asleep when you get back," she replied. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight," I offered as I slipped out the door.