All Comments on 'Robert & Beth Ch. 01'

The premise is good. Unfortunately the conversations are very stilted. Like you attempted to write in proper English. People do not talk that way. Their speech is riddled with contractions and colloquialisms. I suggest, before you put it on the screen, say it. Say it the way you would, the way your sister, wife, friend, or young shoe salesman would. Then type it when it sounds right.

There are several other mistakes involving quotation marks and other punctuation. I think an eye to detail while you reread 2 or 3 times prior to posting should help.

Finally, "every since". It's ever since. Every refers to an object, such as; Every screw in my head is loose. Ever refers to a time period, in this case, such as; Every screw in my head is loose, ever since I hit puberty.

I did enjoy it and I look forward to reading more.

She caressed her citrous?

I must agree with the previous comments. The basic story line is fun. You do need some editing help to make the interpersonal conversation better. I'm not sure the overnight attitude change is realistic. But this is your story and you can tell it your way.

Although your story isn't perfectly written, it made me perfectly hard! Thank you.

Congrats!!! ;)

Vote 1* for 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐀𝐓 𝐃𝐔𝐌𝐁 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐘 𝐖𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐄™ (that's what her clients call her) aka BONNIE/VASTIE aka ANON!

You’re spinning a good tale Sirdix. Of course it is pretty obvious where this is going and I’m pretty sure Robert will one day regret not slowing Beth down a bit. I would encourage you to take more time with your editing. I know how much I enjoy rereading my own stories and often overlook simple errors. In your case most of the flaws are words being omitted. Slow down when you are editing and perhaps it may be helpful to read it slowly out loud so you will catch the missing words. For instance near the bottom of page one at the shoe store you say “even though she wearing no bra” you forgot the word “was”. There are several other examples of missing words but you get the idea. Other than that, keep up the good work.