Secret Smiles and Three Little Words Pt. 23

"Stop saying that," he told her firmly. "I get it, you're sorry. But sometimes saying you're sorry isn't enough...you know?"

"Yes, I know," she said softly.

"So, I have been thinking," he started again. "I love you here, I love the fact you are in my life, and there is so much to love about you."

He came close to saying it, but didn't. He said everything but the three little words. She wondered just how important they were to her. Should she listen to Lena and just accept his action as the words?

Lena was right, he said 'I love you' with everything he did. But if that was the case, then did he love every sub he owned? He said he did these things for all his subs, it was part of the lifestyle for him. So ultimately, no, she needed the words, if nothing else it was something he didn't tell anyone else. Well maybe one. The one who broke his heart into a million pieces and may never be repaired.

"How do I fix this?" she asked him.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you," he smiled.

"It can't be fixed?" Alex said softly.

"Everything broken can be fixed," he smiled with a shake of his head.

"How?" she pleaded. She was desperate to fix this, desperate to turn back the hands of time and go back to where they were just laughing and fucking.

"You need to do something very specific," he said softly. "I was kind of waiting for you to realize it, but then all these wonderful things started happening to you so I knew it would be difficult to see with the tidal wave of new responsibility. What with the wall, then your mini depression, then the kids. I understood why this didn't come to the surface much earlier."

"What? What didn't come to the surface?" Her voice begged for the knowledge, all she cared about right now was righting the wrongs of their relationship.

"That's just it, I know I'm supposed to teach you, but some of that also requires me to know when to just tell you and when to let you make your own discovery. This is one of those times. This knowledge will be better suited for you to seek out and learn."

"What?" she asked, the pain in her voice causing it to break.

"I could tell you, we could move on, but I think this is better suited to you learning on your own. That way it sinks in and takes root. I have thought about this and this is very important for you to do on your own," he said taking her hand.

"I know what you want, you want to fix this, but what you need is knowledge. Knowledge that is out there for you to find, and sometimes knowledge that is learned the hard way is the stuff that sticks," Gavin explained patiently, even though her hurt and bewildered eyes had him second guessing himself.

"What if I can't figure it out?"

"Look," he began carefully cupping his hands around her face to make her look at him, before he dropped them to take her hands in his. "One of two things are going to happen," Gavin told her looking down at her hands as he held them. "One, you figure it out and everything gets better with your epiphany."

"And the other?"

"You leave me," Gavin said so softly she barely heard it. But she did hear it and she wanted to un-hear it. She didn't even want to think about it!

"I'm not leaving!" she said firmly, shaking her head to double her denial.

"Without this knowledge, our relationship will die sooner or later," he warned her. "I can be only what I am, it's all I know or want. You have to be who you have to be, sooner or later those two will clash and then we will both...be unhappy."

"How do I even know what I'm looking for?" she asked him as he stood up.

"I want you to think about what this lifestyle really is," he told her. "You haven't done something very specific, you think you have, but if you look closely you will realize you haven't. The only hint I will give you is, Lena has told you. She doesn't realize she has told you, of course, as she is not in the lifestyle, and you have agreed to her that I need to do it, but it seems we both need to do it. It seems we are both guilty of the same thing, only we are on opposite sides of the same mistake."

"What?" she blurted totally confused. The last thing she needed was Gavin speaking in riddles. "That's absolutely no help at all! We've made the same mistake but on opposite sides?" He nodded.

"Did you tell Lena what I need to do?" Alex asked him.

"Of course not," he said with a shake of his head. "Our lifestyle is our business, obviously she knows we are in a BDSM lifestyle from you, but no, I don't discuss it."

"Sorry," Alex said embarrassedly. She knew he was a very private man, she also never asked how he would feel about her telling Lena.

"We are best friends. She was right, we share everything," Alex attempted to explain.

"I don't mind who you tell," Gavin told her with an accepting shrug. "I, personally, would prefer our life be ours, but I'm not embarrassed of our lifestyle. I'm just a private man."

"Yes, Sir," she nodded. "Can you at least point me in the right direction?"

"I would see people who know our lifestyle," Gavin told her as he stood in the doorway leading to his office. "See how they are in their lifestyle and compare it to yours. Just keep in mind, Lena has already told you what you need to know...I heard her say it in this apartment."

***

Alex had her sketchbook on her lap, she was just doodling. Nothing coming to mind to draw, as her mind was occupied by what Gavin had said. How was she to learn something if she didn't even know where to look? How would she know if she did learn it? Would there be some sort of "ah-ha" moment?

Lena walking in, without knocking, disturbed her thoughts, she smiled at Alex brightly as she came around the corner.

"You have a key to our place?" Alex asked her as she sat down next to her with a plop.

Lena looked at her curiously, "It's how I get in!" she laughed, which caused Alex to laugh.

"What?" Lena asked her, her smile fading.

"That's the exact thing I said, when my mother asked me about my key!" Alex remembered.

"Bet that went over like a turd in the punch bowl!" Lena laughed. "Where's Dr. Stud?"

"On a call," Alex told her.

"Did you guys fight it out, then fuck and make up?" Lena asked her with wiggling eyebrows.

"Yes and no," Alex frowned. "We discussed some things, not really a fight, but I feel like we fought. I'm exhausted and I feel horrible inside!"

"What did he say?" Lena asked pulling Alex into a hug that it looked like she needed.

"He said I need to figure something out," Alex told her from within her arms. "Something specific I need to do, but I haven't done yet. He says without it, our relationship will die."

"Oh baby," Lena kissed her head consolingly. "What is it?"

"That's just it," Alex whispered. "He wouldn't tell me, he said I had to figure it out!"

"Did he give you a hint?" Lena asked.

"Yes," Alex sat back and looked at her head on. "He says you told me here in this apartment! He says, he and I are guilty of the same mistake, but on opposite sides."

"He realizes you are not Sherlock Holmes, right?" Lena teased, scrunching up her face in confusion. Alex shrugged not finding any humor in something that could end the greatest thing in her life. "What are you going to do?"

"Ask Madelyn," Alex said firmly. "She should know, she is like Gavin's mother and closest confidant."

"Ok," Lena shrugged. "Go."

"I still can't leave the apartment," Alex frowned. "He says just because I'm feeling better, doesn't mean I am better!"

"Good man," Lena smiled. "Too bad you are going to fuck it up, then I, the best friend, will have to swoop in and make him feel all better!" Lena continued to tease, acting dramatically like she was kissing him, then faking with her tongue and hand to her mouth imitating her giving a blow job. Alex laughed at her.

"I have told you that I don't like you, right?" Alex glared playfully.

***

"So," Gavin asked Lena as she sat at the table with them later that evening. "How did it go?" His smile told her he already knew.

"I'm guessing you already know," she pointed out. "Otherwise you wouldn't have that little grin!"

"Yeah," he shrugged. "But I wanted to give you the opportunity to brag."

"Brag about what?" Alex asked them.

"Your Dr. Stud here, got me an interview with Senator Danita Housley," Lena grinned. "Seems she was looking for a personal assistant, and Gavin recommended me!"

"Seriously?" Alex smiled, looking at Gavin then back to Lena. "That would be great for you! It would get you out of that stupid insurance office!"

"I know right?" Lena gushed. "I would get to go to Washington from time to time, I could see some of the rest of the country as well! All expenses paid, of course!"

"That's awesome!" Alex gushed. "Did you get it?"

"Ask Dr. Stud!" Lena smiled, pointing at him with her fork. "I was told she wasn't making a decision until Monday!"

"Gavin?" Alex looked to him.

"How would I know?" Gavin teased. "It's not like I had to see her today for her medical check-up or anything!"

"Gavin!" Alex chastised he was being cruel in his joke about something this important.

"Ok," Gavin relented. "She knows she got the job!"

"I got the job!" Lena laughed with a vigorous nod.

"Awesome!" Alex smiled happily.

It was two days before Gavin gave her permission to leave the condo. Lena had gone back to the old apartment now as Alex didn't need round the clock care. When Alex got off the elevator Mike smiled broadly at her.

"You're alive!" he laughed coming around the counter to see her.

"Barely!" Alex laughed with him. "It was close there for a while, but my fantastic doctor pulled me through!"

"I was beginning to wonder!" Mike teased. "Here he had this new girl coming in, this little hot chickadee!"

"Lena?" Alex smiled. "She's my old roommate, evidently they conspired against me while I was sick, to take care of me in shifts!"

"Hmm," Mike smiled. "I was beginning to wonder if Dr. Steward was going to collect all the beautiful women in Chicago for himself!"

"Ohh," Alex smiled. "Got a thing for my best friend?" Alex remembered Lena's words about hot doormen, she knew Lena had to be talking about Mike, as the other two men were both in their mid to late sixties.

"No," Mike shook his head, but it was evident by his smile that he was interested.

Alex walked over to him and pulled a pen out from the counter. She wrote the phone number down to her old apartment.

"There is her number," Alex smiled. "She is single, she just got out of a relationship though, but she might be ready for a date."

"Really?" Mike asked in disbelief. "She's single?" Alex nodded and wrapped her scarf around her neck and face, hiding her smile.

"Like I said, she is just out of a relationship, but hey, a date is not like marriage. It's just two people going out that need to eat...right?" Alex gently prodded. Mike nodded as he looked to the number.

Hailing a cab outside, she took the long ride out to Madelyn's. She would start her search for what she needed to find there. Hopefully Madelyn would know right off so she could get their relationship back to the way it was. If that was possible.

"There's my angel!" Madelyn smiled as she opened the door. "Alive and well!"

"Hello Mistress," Alex said lowering her head.

"Come in sweetheart, before he finds out I left you out there to get another cold!" Madelyn insisted. "Then he will be over here busting my chops about something other than my blood pressure!"

"Know about that, do you?" Alex frowned.

"Of course I do!" Madelyn told her, hooking her arm into Alex's and guiding her into the parlor. "The boy was just worried sick about you!"

"I know," Alex frowned. "I should have just listened to him, but I was only thinking of the kids!"

"I know," Madelyn beamed with a wink, showing she was not angry and understood why she did it. "But you are ok now, so maybe the horse's ass will get some sleep! I've been on him to sleep more but he can't."

"And that's another thing," Alex started, stopping abruptly and forcing Madelyn to turn to her. "With all due respect Mistress...take your damn pills!" Alex said, her face firm but loving, her jaw set.

She thought of the worry on Gavin's face when he complained Madelyn was not taking her medication.

"We love you, and we want you to be around for a long time! That means, he can only have one stubborn bitch in his life. Right now, I have the monopoly on that, so you have to do what he says, take your pills!"

"Oh my," Madelyn laughed at Alex's stance. "You are quite the switch!"

"I'm sorry Mistress," Alex frowned. She realized she probably went too far. "But we do care about you, he loves you, so I just want him happy, and will do everything I can to make sure that happens. So if that means coming over here every day to make sure you take your pills, then so be it!" Madelyn nodded as she moved in and kissed Alex's cheek.

"Yes, my lovely girl," she smiled. "I will take my pills!"

After tea was poured and they talked about the weather, and Alex's class of artists, Madelyn sat looking at her.

"Well," Madelyn smiled. "Why don't you get to why you came all the way up here, because I know it wasn't for my tea!"

"No, Mistress," Alex smiled. She kept forgetting this woman was a Domme and could read her as easily as Gavin could.

"I have angered him," Alex said softly. "He says there is something I need to do, but I don't have any clue as to where to begin!"

Madelyn smiled and nodded as she put her tea down.

"You know," Alex said immediately, reading the woman across from her.

"I do," Madelyn smiled. "But alas, Gavin has asked me to stay out of it."

"What?" Alex whined. "He can't do that!"

"He can, and he did," Madelyn said with a smirk.

"So you won't help me?" Alex asked her.

"I will," Madelyn smiled. "But not now. He's right, this knowledge is best left for you to learn."

"But you just said you would help me," Alex pouted, confused.

"I will," Madelyn assured her. "I'm not going to sit around and let him fuck up the best thing that has ever happened to him because he is a stubborn jackass!"

This got Alex to laugh.

"But we want you to find it out on your own," Madelyn told her causing her smile to diminish. "If you can't, then I will help, but I believe you will figure it out. You are a smart, beautiful woman and I have no doubt you will figure it out and you will both be better for it!"

"Can you give me a hint?" Alex asked her.

"All kittens have one thing in common," Madelyn told her, after some thought, from behind her cup of tea.

"And that is?" Alex pressed her.

"What you need to learn," Madelyn smiled.

Madelyn sent Alex back in her car with her driver, she refused to let her take the cab back. Alex sat in the limo looking out the window deep in thought. How was she going to figure this out? She was really hoping Madelyn would know and tell her, but just like Gavin, she was going to make her sweat it out. At least she had the knowledge that Madelyn was going to help her, if she couldn't figure it out.

Her mind drifted to something else Madelyn said, that she wasn't going to let him 'fuck up the best thing that has ever happened to him'. This statement made her smile, Madelyn was on her side. She would be a powerful ally, if she needed her.

She picked up her phone and scrolled through the contacts, her phone landing on Kelly's name. She didn't know a lot of subs in the life, Kelly was one, Elizabeth, was the other. She called Kelly.

"Hello?" came the voice on the other end.

"Hey, Kelly, It's Alexandria," Alex said in the phone.

"Alex!" Kelly gushed. "How are you?"

"I'm good! How are you?" Alex asked back.

"I'm ok," Kelly told her.

"I was wondering if you would like to have lunch with me today? I need some advice from somebody in the know," Alex said looking at the driver.

She didn't know how much the driver knew, she assumed being around Madelyn he would know about the lifestyle but she wasn't sure so she kept it quiet.

"Lunch?" Kelly asked. "Would love to! What kind of advice?"

"Kitten advice," Alex said still trying to keep it on the down low.

"You need my advice? You have the best Dom in the world!" Kelly pointed out.

"I know," Alex agreed. "But he is the reason I have to seek advice, he wants me to talk to other bottoms to learn something."

"Learn what?" Kelly asked.

"The difference between me and you," Alex said with a shrug into the widow at her reflection. The girl in the widow looked just as lost as she felt, she also looked sick. She was surprised Gavin let her out knowing she still looked ill.

"Ok," Kelly said slowly. "Sounds weird, but ok, is it alright if I bring some of the other girls?"

"No, that would be great! I need to hear all I can!" Alex said excitedly at the prospect of multiple points of view.

Maybe if the girls could help her, she wouldn't have to go to Elizabeth. Alex didn't want Elizabeth to know she and Gavin were having problems. Even though Elizabeth left and has a new Dom, Alex still feared her return. It was like Elizabeth was the ex-girlfriend and Alex had to be wary she would learn she made an awful mistake, and try to come back. She would use the division between Alex and Gavin to weasel her way back in and Alex wasn't about to let that happen.

The driver opened the door and she got out.

"Thanks," she smiled at him. "I'll take a cab from here."

"Can't do that ma'am," the driver apologized. "I was told to take you home, so I'll wait."

"But I could be awhile," Alex explained.

"The Mistress said to wait, so, I will wait," he said firmly. Alex shook her head and then left him.

Walking into the restaurant she scanned the patrons. Kelly waved from the back of the room. She was at a table with two other women. They must be the three subs Kelly's new Dom owned. She smiled and made her way to them.

"Alex," Kelly said hugging her when she arrived. "Alex, this is Janna," she said introducing a blonde thirty something. "And this is Lauren," she said introducing a young, dark headed Asian with a bright smile.

"They are subs for my Master, John," Kelly said sitting down with Alex.

"So, you are Alexandria!" Lauren smiled. Alex nodded with a smile.

"You lucky little bitch," Janna teased with a bright smile letting Alex know she was teasing.

"I am," Alex nodded. "Both lucky and a bitch!"

This got all the girls laughing as a waiter brought Alex a wine glass to share the bottle already at the table. The girls chatted amiably about current events, about the wall that they all had seen which made Alex blush with all the compliments they poured on her like the free flowing wine they were going through.

"So," Kelly began. "How can we help you?" Steering the conversation back to what they were all there for.

"Well," Alex began.

She looked to the crisp white table cloth. Where does she begin?

"Gavin and I have been at odds lately, mostly my fault, but now he says I need to learn something. He wouldn't say what, only to say that it is something every sub does, but I haven't done!" Alex explained never lifting her eyes from the table.

When she did look up, she found all three girls with the same bewildered look. All three looked on her...waiting.

"That's it," she said when they didn't say anything, as they were still looking at her like she had more to say.

"Ok," Kelly said slowly, her brow showing her confusion.

"I know," Alex admitted. "I guess I would just like to hear what your lives are like, then I will compare it to my life...somewhere, I hope, I will figure out what you guys have done that I need to do."