Secret Smiles and Three Little Words Pt. 23

"Your Master was so gracious and polite. I was trying to clean him off, and he held my hand firm, ordered me to stop, which I did immediately. He pulled his handkerchief which I knew was expensive, and he dabbed my hand clean, while he held it. Then he wiped some off my face, all the while he stared at me intently causing me to melt like butter on a hot stove! I was like, holy shit! Seemed like such a little thing, but it was his demeanor, it was graceful."

Alex smiled. Yeah she loved his manners for himself, and the way he treated others. Like holding the door open that night in the restaurant, for total strangers, in her test weekend to see if she would like this life. The way he pulled chairs out for her, or held her coat so she could put it on. Tucking her hand in his arm to guide her. She was damn sure he would toss his high priced jacket over a puddle to keep her feet from getting wet if the occasion called for it!

The girls all looked on Alex as she stared at the table. She shook her head.

"There are a lot of things I'm not doing," Alex admitted as she thought about it.

"Don't worry baby," Kelly smiled comfortingly to her. "This is stuff you learn as you go, things you strive to do! That's the growth part, learning from your mistakes and striving to grow from them!" Alex nodded. "Keep in mind, part of being a good Dom is being patient. You have a good Dom, so he will give you time to learn these things."

"Does any of that help you?"

"Yes, it helps me, but he said it was very specific," Alex stressed. "Granted all of those things I need to work on, but none of that strikes a chord in me that tells me, this is it, this is what Gavin wanted me to learn!"

The girls look to one another and sighed. They couldn't help her find what she needed to know.

"Relax," Kelly said outside in the street before they said goodbye. "If he wasn't happy with you, he would move on."

"No," Alex disagreed. "He says his subs always get to end it."

"Wow," Kelly smiled in disbelief. "He is beyond a good Dom then, he is a great Dom!"

"Why?" Alex nodded, she agreed, but she wanted to hear Kelly's reasoning.

"He is going to guide you to improve your relationship, which I guess is why you are here," Kelly told her. "Most Doms will end it if they feel like they aren't going to get what they want, or help you get what you want. If they can't bridge the gap, then they end it. Your Dom is saying, whatever it is, we can work it out!"

"It also means, if he needs to change," Janna said hugging her. "He will, the ultimate sign of a good Dom. The willingness to adapt to the sub."

"If it doesn't work out," Lauren teased. "Let me know, I would love to have a great Dom like that!"

"I'll kill you first," Alex teased back.

She waved at them as she got into the open door of the limo. Once inside the smile left her. She didn't learn anything that would help her. She learned she was a lousy submissive, as she didn't have many of the qualities they espoused. She also learned that she was probably the only sub that argued with their Dom and didn't receive some sort of consequence for it. That made her drop her head back on the seat and pound her fist on the door in guilt. That left one person. One she didn't want to go to.

Alex thought about what the girls had said. It seemed their life was completely different than hers. They didn't argue, they didn't do what they wanted. Was Janna right when she said she wasn't a true submissive?

Knocking on the door of her last hope, she wondered if this was the best choice. Elizabeth opening the door caused her to furrow her brow.

"Are you alright?" Alex asked immediately.

Elizabeth looked thin and her eyes were hollowed. Her cheeks were sunken in and she looked exhausted and had dark circles under her eyes as it didn't look like she had slept in days.

"Yes," Elizabeth smiled. "Just getting over the flu!" Alex nodded but she didn't know if that was the truth. She was just getting over pneumonia and she didn't look that bad!

"Is Royce here?" Alex asked from the hallway. If he was here, she would beg off and come back another time. She knew enough to stay away from that son of a bitch. Gavin was angry enough, if she put herself anywhere in the vicinity of that asshole willingly, there would be definite consequences.

"No," Elizabeth assured her. Alex was happy about that, and Elizabeth took her into the apartment. She ushered Alex in and then closed the door behind her.

"How have you been, besides the flu?" Alex asked as she looked around Elizabeth's nearly empty apartment.

She thought back to the day Elizabeth moved out, she knew Gavin had said they had ordered furniture and Elizabeth was staying in a hotel until it was delivered. This apartment was sparsely furnished. No lamps, a single couch, no chairs for company. No dining room furniture, but there was enough room for lots of stuff. Her old apartment had more stuff than this apartment did!

"Sorry about the place!" Elizabeth smiled as she saw Alex look around. "I'm really not here very much anymore!"

"No," Alex smiled. "Yeah, you're at Royce's and all."

"Yeah," Elizabeth semi smiled. Alex furrowed her brow at the way Elizabeth seemed to look away.

"So, what brings you by?" Elizabeth asked her as she scratched at her skin at the bend of her arm.

Alex gave her a solid look over, she seemed jumpy. Skittish even. She seemed to start one thing only to be distracted by another. Picking up some plates only to move them from the coffee table to an end table, distracted by moving to pick up newspapers.

She had lost at least fifteen pounds, weight she had no business losing. Yes, the flu could make you lose weight, but this was more than she would have figured. She had lost the regal look that had attracted Alex to begin with. Something she had just bragged on her at lunch.

"I just wanted to see you," Alex said backing out of her original idea. She was going to ask about Gavin but abandoned the plan. Something inside of her told her to, her instinct maybe.

"Oh," Elizabeth smiled. "Have a seat."

Alex smiled and sat down next to Elizabeth only to have the dark haired goddess stand up and move to pick something else up and then abandon it.

"Can you sit down for a minute?" Alex asked her, twisting her brow in concern. "You seem really odd!"

"Of course, it's just I have so much to do!" Elizabeth laughed as she sat down again. "I have to find a job and what not."

"What happened to your old job?" Alex asked her. For a fleeting second Elizabeth seemed afraid. It flashed in her eyes as she looked at Alex.

"Oh, umm," Elizabeth shrugged. "Well, if you must know, I can't be with a senator and be a lobbyist. Royce thought it would be best, for appearances, to not be with a lobby for fear of someone thinking I have influence over him."

"Makes sense," Alex agreed as she nodded her head while staring Elizabeth down. Elizabeth smiled that Alex understood. "Are you going to move in with him?"

"Eventually," Elizabeth told her. "Right now it's all about appearances! His father wants it to look like we are dating and what not, then move in, then get married."

"You're getting married?" Alex asked shocked and concerned.

"Eventually," Elizabeth shrugged.

"I thought you weren't the marrying type?" Alex asked her remembering Gavin's statement.

"I'm not," Elizabeth smiled with a wink. "But Royce has eyes on the White House! Can you believe it? He is going to be President of the United States! And history says, single men do not win the White House! So he has to be married and have children. You know the whole family man that the conservatives love so much!"

"You are going to have kids with him?" Alex gasped in disbelief.

"Maybe," Elizabeth shrugged. "Maybe we adopt, that would be another feather in his cap. That he was willing to take in some unfortunate."

The words she spoke reminded Alex of just how phony this man was, and it appeared Elizabeth was the same. Only doing things for appearance sake to get elected. How did her moral compass get so askew?

Alex nodded, but again, Gavin's words rung in her ear. Royce's family didn't have the clout to take the White House.

"He says once he is President, then I can think about running for office! Like Hillary!" Elizabeth gushed excitedly. She continually scratched at her arm, her face twisting in pain from time to time.

"You want to run for office?" Alex asked her, disbelief filling her voice while she watched the formally exotic woman deteriorate before her.

"I can be a Senator!" Elizabeth defended, her anger quick to show itself. Something that Alex rarely saw before.

"I'm not saying you can't, I just didn't know you had such high goals!" Alex tried to soothe.

"I'm a lot smarter than people give me credit for!" Elizabeth growled as she stood up and began to pace. "People always think I'm some sort of idiot! But I'm not, I've made plans to protect myself from being betrayed. Just wait and see, he tries to screw me over...I'll bury him so fast it will make his head spin!"

"Whoa! What are you talking about?" Alex asked, standing up to corral the babbling woman.

"Nothing," Elizabeth said as she realized she said more than she should.

"Are you ok?" Alex finally asked her straight out.

"Yeah," Elizabeth nodded with a smile taking Alex into a hug. "Just stressed, the whole no job things has made money kinda tight! I've never had to worry about money before, Royce won't give me any money till the end of the month, the whole not wanting to look like he is paying off things for a lobbyist, you know?"

Alex shook her head as she had no idea what she was talking about. Politics was not her thing.

Elizabeth and Alex chatted about various subjects for a while. Alex's teaching was talked about in great detail. All the while, Alex watched her. Elizabeth was off, something was not right about her. Gone was the soft, quiet, demure woman. Gone was the stunning beauty and the happy eyes. It was replaced with a tired and somewhat haggard woman, who had problems just sitting still and focusing in on the conversation at hand.

Guiding Alex out, she hooked her arm in Alex's.

"I'm so glad you came by, but next time call. That way I'm sure I'm here! You just happened to catch me picking up a few things," Elizabeth explained.

"Sure, no problem!" Alex agreed. At the door, Elizabeth turned her.

"Hey," Elizabeth looked to the floor. "I have a huge favor to ask!"

"Shoot," Alex encouraged.

"Is there any way you could...I don't know...loan me some money till the end of the month? I will pay you back when Royce starts to help or when I get a different job!" Elizabeth asked, her face shading red in humiliation in having to ask.

"Oh, of course, I totally understand! Remember, starving artist here!" Alex smiled knowing how hard that was to ask. She began to dig into her purse. She hated asking for money, even from her Dad, who always insisted she come to him when she needed it. So to have Elizabeth ask, Alex knew she was in desperate need. "How much do you need?"

"Whatever you can spare, don't put yourself out or anything," Elizabeth told her, looking into Alex's purse with her. "It's just taking a little longer to find a decent job! I mean, all I get are offers to be a lobbyist! I'm good at it, but I can't do that and ruin Royce's chances at the White House!"

"No, it's nothing," Alex said with a scoff that she didn't understand. "How much?"

"Well I don't know you financial situation," Elizabeth told her apprehensively. "Whatever you are comfortable with, like I said, it's just until the end of the month!"

"Well, I have a grand total of one thousand fifty three dollars and twenty seven cents in checking!" Alex laughed looking at her checkbook. "I have more in savings but I need that for a new car!"

"Oh, um," Elizabeth looked to the floor. "Could you spare five hundred?"

"Yeah," Alex nodded. She scribbled out a check and handed it to Elizabeth. Elizabeth took her firmly in her arms and squeezed her.

"Thank you so much!" she said in her ear.

She leaned back and kissed Alex on the mouth. Not a quick peck, but more of a lingering kiss. Alex forced herself to step back breaking the kiss, like it was from an old boyfriend, she smiled apologetically at Elizabeth who seemed a bit dejected that Alex didn't kiss her back. Alex backed away after the kiss broke, it felt weird now, to have Elizabeth kiss her in this way.

Yes, she had made out with her, and yes, she had gone down on her and vice versa but this was different. This was not something done in the heat of passion. This had the feel of a first move by an amorous date. Alex moved away from her, and it showed in Elizabeth's eyes she was hurt by the distance Alex was putting between them. Alex waved and quickly moved towards the elevator.

"Hey, I hope you get to feeling better," Alex said waiting at the doors for the elevator. "Do you want me to have Gavin come by and take a look at you?"

"NO!" She nearly yelled. "No," she recovered with a smile and said her denial softer. "The last thing I need is Gavin and Royce squaring off! I mean did you see the way they looked at each other at the Expo?"

Alex nodded and cracked a smile at her.

"It was like the old west! Billy the Kid type shit!" Elizabeth teased.

"I agree," Alex nodded as the door began to open. "Probably best to keep them separated."

"Absolutely!" Elizabeth smiled. "Hey, just one more thing...," Alex stopped and looked at her. "Don't tell Gavin, please?" Elizabeth said holding up the check. "That would bring a lecture I don't need right now!"

"Ok," Alex agreed with a single nod. She got on the elevator but something was gnawing at her. She couldn't quite place it but nothing about Elizabeth seemed right.

***

Turning the key to her old apartment she pushed her way in.

"Hey!" she called out in warning, in case Lena had company.

"Hey!" Lena called back. "Living room!"

Alex walked in and found Lena where she normally was, reading.

"What you got now?" Alex asked as she peeled her layers of clothing off.

"The Prisoner #5141133, same guy, this one is creepy as shit!" Lena smiled putting the Kindle aside. "He gets better with every book!"

"Cool," Alex said as she sat next to her with a disappointed frown.

"I sense a disturbance in the force!" Lena teased.

"I have been sent on an impossible mission," Alex shrugged her frown deepening.

"Give," Lena said pulling Alex's head into her lap. This was what they called their "therapy" position. In this position you spilled it all, whether you wanted to or not! Alex did. All of it. Gavin's instructions, visiting the kittens at the restaurant then the odd meeting with Elizabeth.

All the while Lena stroked her hair, running her fingers through it softly. Never interrupting, just letting Alex get it all out. By the end Lena was frowning while she nodded.

"Ok, that look says you know something!" Alex pointed out.

"I don't know anything!" Lena defended. "I mean, shit, I don't know anything but what you tell me about the BDSM lifestyle or whatever you call it. And there is no way Gavin says anything to me! I mean the man is so private!"

Alex nodded, but there was something there and she wanted to know what it was.

"The look on your face has me worried," Alex pointed out.

"Well, it's just," Lena started. "Hell I don't know!"

"Go on," Alex encouraged her as she sat up and looked at her full on.

"Well, just listening to you since you and Gavin got together, and then what the three girls said, it just doesn't add up to what I thought being a submissive was," Lena shrugged.

"What do you mean?" Alex asked her.

"Well, Honey, don't take this the wrong way," Lena tempered carefully. "But they sound like submissives, you don't."

"What?" Alex asked.

"Well, they don't argue, they do what their Master wants...God I can't believe you call him Master!" Lena stopped.

"I don't call him a Master," Alex said firmly. "Gavin would never allow someone to address him that way! I don't know why, I just know he wouldn't!"

"What do you call him?" Lena asked tilting her head to the side.

"Sir," Alex shrugged. "I call him Sir...or Gavin."

"Well, see? That doesn't seem very submissive?" Lena pointed out. Alex leaned back against the couch. Lena saw the look on Alex's face and tried to defuse the upcoming argument.

"What I mean to say is, I thought submissives were supposed to be docile, you argue with him every chance you get. I thought submissives were supposed to be under someone else's control. They did what the Dom or Master or Sir wanted! You won't even let him loan you money! You take a job knowing it will make him worry, you do everything you want to do, and then not let him do anything for you, except sex. There you let him do what he wants but it sounds like you are the one getting the most pleasure. Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like you are submissive at all!"

Alex closed her eyes and began to shake her head as a tear came out.

"I'm sorry baby if I hurt your feelings," Lena said picking up her hand.

"No," Alex said opening her eyes. "Out of the mouth of babes!" Alex smiled as it all clicked.

"What?" Lena asked her confused.

"Gavin said you told me what I needed to know, you didn't know it but you did. He said we were on opposite sides of the same mistake!" Alex smiled, her tears streaming down her face. Relief filled her as she figured it out. Her "ah-ha" moment smacking her.

"Ok, make sense because you are crying and you rarely cry and that has me scared shitless!" Lena demanded.

"I said the words, but am not doing the action. He is doing the action, but not saying the words!" Alex explained.

"Please tell me there is more, because now it sounds like you are the one babbling!" Lena begged.

"In the very beginning, I submitted myself to him, I made the speech that I would be his submissive, but like you pointed out, I wasn't being the submissive! I was just role playing! I wasn't living the lifestyle, that's what Gavin has been waiting on, for me to learn that I wasn't living as a submissive, while I said the words...I wasn't backing it up with action!" Alex continued to explain.

"Now he has been doing the opposite, he has been showing me he loves me, but he isn't saying 'I love you'!" Alex shook her head. "Both making the same mistake, just on opposite sides! Me all words, no action. Gavin all action and no words!"

"Holy shit!" Lena gasped. "That's it?" Alex shrugged and nodded. "So why didn't he just punish you?"

"You mean break me?" Alex laughed.

"Isn't that a part of it?" Lena shrugged.

"He doesn't want me broken," Alex smiled with a shrug. "He has to be who is, but he wants me to be who I am. I have to willingly give him my submission!"

"So what do you do?" Lena asked, happy that Alex figured out what she wanted to figure out.

"I have to decide on whether I am going to submit or not!" Alex frowned.

"What if you don't want to?" Lena asked. "Will Gavin still accept you as just his girlfriend, without all the kinky sex stuff?"

"That I don't know!" Alex whispered as the thought about it. "He says that being a Dom is all he wants to be."

"Uh-oh," Lena said.

"No shit," Alex agreed.

***

Alex walked into the condo but found it empty. She plopped down on the couch and put her head in her hands. How could she be so blind? This was what he was waiting on, for her to realize she had never fully committed to the lifestyle.

She picked up her phone and looked at it for a moment. She called him, she hoped he wasn't with a patient. Normally he would text her if he was, but then again maybe he was giving her time and space to soul search.