Selfish Love

"Jimmy," I pleaded.

"Kelsie," he mocked.

"You're torturing me."

"Hmm." He ran his thumb across my nipple again. "We can't have that now, can we?"

"Not at--oh!"

I wasn't expecting him to grab me, moving me away from the headboard in one quick motion. Before I even realized what was happening, he had me on my back, and that was it. In that sudden moment of shock, I laughed.

Jimmy grinned triumphantly, moving between my legs. "How about now?"

I fought back a smile. "I dunno..."

"No?" he asked innocently.

I should have said yes. Instead, I shrieked as he tickled me, writhing beneath him in a completely futile attempt to escape.

"Now!" I gasped between what I refused to acknowledge as laughs. "It's working now!"

He didn't stop. "What was that? Sorry, you're going to have to repeat yourself, I can't hear you over all the laughter."

I managed to free one of my arms and clutched at his forearm, shoving it away. He retaliated by grabbing my free arm and pinning it to the bed. I tried to do the same thing with my other arm but barely managed to touch him before he was in control of that one, too. He moved it above my head, adjusting so he could use one hand to hold both of my wrists. I tensed, half-expecting him to start tickling me again, but he just touched the side of my face.

"You good?" he asked.

Confused, I nodded. Carefully, he pressed his lips to mine.

"Just making sure," he whispered.

There were no words for the way that made me feel. How could there be? How could a word ever explain the way my heart soared and fell at the same time? How could anything describe the feeling I had from something so simple as him taking that moment, pulling back so he could check in to make sure I was okay?

All I could do was smile.

He felt it and responded with one of his own. The hand on my face moved down my body, no longer teasing or tantalizing or tickling but simply travelling to its destination. He shifted, grabbing his cock so he could guide it inside me as he kissed me again.

It had started fun and silly and wild, but things had morphed, changing into something much, much more. It was only when he sank inside me completely that he let go of my arms, and I moved them only so I could wrap them around his body and hold him close as he began moving inside of me.

Nothing existed in the world except us, except lips and limbs, gasps and sighs, gentle movements as he entered me again and again. Hair was brushed away from my forehead and kisses found my lips, my cheeks, my forehead. He worshipped me as he filled me, completing me in a way that I didn't think was possible and was terrified to already start acknowledging. How something like that could happen to me, like this, so soon... there weren't words.

It amazed me.

He amazed me.

Jimmy's lips didn't leave mine as I came, taking my cries of explosive bliss for himself as he pushed inside me harder and harder. I hugged him to me, hands splayed on his back, his body giving so much to me and taking everything I wanted to give. His own orgasm wasn't far behind and as I felt him finish, his breath hot against my skin and his body stilling for a heartbeat before he thrust those final few hard, deep times, I smiled again.

He collapsed next to me on the bed, bringing me back into his arms as we both caught our breaths and let our bodies drop from the high we were riding. For a while, we didn't speak, just lay there, Jimmy's fingers tracing light patterns along my arm.

"So this is gonna be a thing, right?" he asked.

"What?"

"You and me."

Such simple words, yet they meant so, so much.

Especially because something was missing.

"'You and me' aren't it, though," I said. "I have a kid, Jimbo."

"Oh yeah, little what's-her-face. Brittany? Bentley?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm being serious."

"You don't need to be," he said. "It's not like it's some big revelation, Kels. What do you want me to say, I'm cool with your kid? 'Cause I thought that was implied but if it's that big a deal, I'll say it for the record. I'm cool with your kid."

"Is she going to be cool with you, though?"

He paused. "I... what?"

I shifted, my face burning. "I don't know how to do this part of it. I've never, like, introduced someone to her. I don't know what she'll think or how she'll take it or if... I mean, yeah, obviously I want this whole you-and-me thing to work but I don't want to get her hopes up in case things... you know. But not telling her would mean we'd have to pretend like there's nothing happening when we're around her and Leia which is... it doesn't feel right."

Jimmy hugged me a bit closer. "We don't have to figure it out right now, you know."

"I know. Daniel's not bringing her back until the day after Christmas."

I couldn't see his face, but I almost felt him wince. "Sorry. I meant--"

"--that we can think about it." I kissed his chest lightly. "I know."

We fell silent and I was half-dozing against his chest when he spoke again.

"You aren't selfish, you know," he said out of nowhere.

I chuckled. "Uh, okay. Where'd that come from?"

"Last night." He pulled me in closer, kissing the top of my head. "You said it when you were trying to talk me into not wanting you. And I was thinking about it and that's like, a big thing for you. You say it a lot. And you're not."

I shifted uncomfortably. "I mean, I am."

"Not." He trailed his fingers down my arm. "You're not gonna believe me right this second, I know. But you're not. You do a ton of stuff for other people. Thinking of yourself once in a damn while doesn't make you selfish."

"Jimmy, I--"

"It doesn't. I mean, think of it. Think of this. Your argument was basically that giving me what I wanted--a.k.a. you--was selfish... of you."

He was right. I didn't believe him right that second. But I appreciated the sentiment all the same.

"Anyway," he continued. "I'm the selfish one."

I rolled my eyes. "How d'you figure?"

He grabbed my hand and guided it down his body. I made a noise that was somewhere between bewildered laughter and impressed astonishment as I felt his erection beneath my palm.

"You're ready again?" I asked. "Jesus. How do you ever get anything else done?"

My head jostled as he laughed. "The benefits of me being twenty-one, babe."

I jolted upright as I looked at him with alarm. "What was that?"

"What was what?" he asked, confused.

"Babe?" I repeated. "Babe?!"

He fought back another laugh. "Well, what else am I gonna call you?"

"I don't fucking know," I said. "But you don't feel like it's a little weird for you to be calling me 'babe'?"

He shrugged. "I mean, I'm not gonna call you 'mama' if that's what you're--"

"Not a chance. Not a fucking chance, Jimmy."

"Well, I gotta call you something, babe. You get to call me Jimbo and I don't complain."

"You can call me Kelsie. Maybe even Ms. Bauer if I think you need to be particularly formal."

He flicked an eyebrow up. "Hmm. Ms. Bauer. That's kinda kinky. I like that."

He said it like he was joking, but if the way his cock twitched beneath my palm was any indication, there was a lot more truth to it than either of us was willing to admit.

And honestly, given the way he fucked me after that whole conversation, I don't think either of us minded.

Eighteen

That weekend didn't turn out the way anyone expected.

One might blame Jimmy on account of the whole "getting thoroughly and completely fucked Friday night and Saturday morning and Saturday morning and Saturday morning and Saturday night after he finished work and some indiscernible number of times as Saturday turned to Sunday and Sunday morning et cetera et cetera" thing, but one would be very, very wrong.

Or one might blame Em, since she was the one who had shown up unannounced to extend an olive branch so we could make amends, and in doing so, instigated the whole getting thoroughly and completely fucked by Jimmy on Friday night and Saturday morning and Saturday morning and... well, one gets the picture.

One might even go so far as to say it was Daniel's fault, depending on which point in time one was basing their expectations on, since up until Thursday afternoon, one may have expected the weekend to include plenty of cheesy Christmas movies and candy canes and walks around Pueblo to see the Christmas lights.

However, one would be wrong in all instances.

It was Mike.

It was all Big fucking Mike's fault that weekend flipped so suddenly and so jarringly that I nearly ended up with a concussion from the emotional whiplash I'd experienced.

"I owe Alex," Jimmy said, doing nothing to untangle himself from my arms as the clock ticked closer and closer to the time he had to be at work. "And he promised Leia they were gonna do something together today."

"I understand," I said, doing nothing to move away from him. "You don't have to explain yourself to me."

"I know." He groaned, finally shifting so he could get out of bed and get dressed. "But I figure it doesn't hurt so that when I ask if I can come back tonight, you're more likely to say yes."

"Joke's on you, I would've said yes anyway."

"Good." He pulled me in for one more searing kiss that lingered, and lingered, and lingered until he made a soft noise of regret and pulled away. "So I'll see you tonight?"

"You fucking better."

One more kiss, then another, then he really did pull himself out of bed and got dressed. I watched lazily, only getting out of bed and wrapping myself in my bathrobe when he was pulling his shirt on so I could follow him down the stairs and kiss him one more time before he left.

And one more time after that.

And then he really did leave for work, though it was at exactly the time he was supposed to be arriving at work.

I pretended it was the fact that he was late for work that clued Alex--and by association, Em--into the fact that Jimmy stayed the night, which she disproved the moment I picked up the phone when she called that afternoon.

"So you made that decision pretty quick, hey?" she asked instead of saying hello.

"What decision?"

"To fuck my brother." She paused, then gagged. "I can't believe I said that out loud."

"He told you?"

I could almost hear her roll her eyes. "Right, because I've had so much time to talk to him since he spent the night at your place and then went to work."

"Oh. He told Alex."

"I'm sure at this point he's told Alex so much that he's regretting hiring him, but no. He left work early last night so we kind of suspected, but when he showed up today--"

"Oh. Because he was late."

"It was more the huge hickey on his neck."

My face went red. "Oh."

There was a long, tense silence. Just when it started going on long enough for me to start panicking that Em hadn't actually meant it when she said she'd be okay with me getting together with Jimmy and wondering how in the fuck I was supposed to choose between the two of them, she started laughing.

"So you and him are a thing?" she asked.

"I think so," I said.

She stopped laughing. "You don't know?"

"Well, I mean, we did say that we were a thing now, so..."

"So... yes."

"I'm still kind of processing it all. A lot happened really fast."

"Hopefully he wasn't too fast, I mean--oh my God, I can't do this."

I burst out laughing. "Do what?"

"Joke about you and my brother. Ground rule time, no more telling me the dirty details of what you're doing with him."

"I didn't say shit. You're the one who--"

"Yeah, yeah, you're the one fucking my brother so I'm going to blame you for it."

I rolled my eyes, though I couldn't stop myself from grinning. "Fine. I'll accept it."

"Good. Wanna go to the mall?"

"Now?"

"Yeah."

"Today?"

"Uh... yeah."

"Are you insane, Em? It's the Saturday before Christmas."

"Yeah, and Alex and Leia want to have a--she hasn't called him Dad but I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for it maybe happening one day so bear with me--they wanted to have a dad-daughter date." She paused, sniffled, and when she spoke again there was a thickness to her voice. "Which is awesome, because it means I have no kid to deal with this afternoon and we can, you know. Hang out and pretend like everything's normal."

That sounded pretty good to me, so I took the shower I'd been lazily putting off and met Em at the mall.

I can't pretend it wasn't awkward at first. It was. Like, it was weird enough that we'd been fighting because up until then, I couldn't think of a time that Em and I had fought before. But to add in the Jimmy factor... well. We had only just made up and now our dynamic was already being shaken up again.

But she forgave me and I forgave her, so it was going to be okay. It took a little time, but that awkwardness left, and by the time both of us had enough of the throngs of people desperately shoving their way through a busy mall, forging and scouring through picked-over bins of materialistic junk that Em and I pretended we were too good for while conveniently ignoring the fact that we had already purchased most of our materialistic junk, things were almost back to normal.

"Wanna come over and drink beer while we watch a shitty Hallmark movie?" Em asked as we left the mall.

"Sure, but probably just one," I said. "I'm driving."

"Or you could leave your car at my place and Jimmy can drive you home after work," she said. "Since I'm assuming you two are going to fuck like rabbits whenever he's available for the next little while."

"I'd like to point out that I'm not the one who set and subsequently broke the ground rules," I replied. "But yeah, he's coming over again tonight, so--"

"And now you've broken the ground rule." She elbowed me, then looped her arm through mine as we walked towards our cars. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

"Let's promise to never fight again."

I knew she was trying to be silly and exaggerated in her girlishness, but I definitely intended with all my heart to keep that promise.

When we got to Em and Alex's place, we ended up forgoing the beer for a much more festive peppermint schnapps spiked hot chocolate while we watched some movie where a strong, independent business woman moved from the city to some town in the middle of butt fuck nowhere to take over a failing flower shop for some reason that seemed to include impressing the local hermit-slash-woodsman who was secretly a prince.

"Alex is okay with alcohol in the house?" I asked as she refilled my mug and added a generous splash from the schnapps bottle.

"So far," Em said. "I didn't know if it made me an asshole to not want to give up alcohol but he said he could handle it and that it wasn't fair to me. So we figured we'd try it out for a while and see. I keep it out of sight and locked up, not that he needs that. I mean he's been sober for decades. But just in case." She shrugged and sipped her hot chocolate. "I trust him and I trust he'll tell me if it's an issue. Plus he's got Mike, too."

Fuckin' Mike.

"What?" Em asked as she saw me tense.

"Nothing."

"Kelsie," she said, a warning tone in her voice. "Don't keep shit from me. That's how we--"

"Fuck. I know." I sighed. "Just, do you happen to know if Mike got the check I sent him? I gave it to Jimmy on Thursday but I forgot to ask if he'd given it to him."

"For the Taylor Swift tickets?"

I nodded and she shrugged.

"I'll get Alex to check with him if you're too busy sucking Jimmy's--"

"Jesus Christ, Em!"

She cackled and threw a few pieces of popcorn at me. I managed to catch a couple of them, but a few bounced off my chin and dropped down the front of my shirt.

"Can I ask you something serious?" I asked as I fished ungracefully for the scattered popcorn in my cleavage.

"Can it wait until you're done feeling yourself up?"

I shrugged, grabbed whatever pieces I could find, and popped them in my mouth. "Now?"

She sighed dramatically. "I suppose. What's up?"

And as much as I knew what I wanted to say, the words didn't come. I pressed my tongue against my lip piercing, frowning as I tried to make sense of the thoughts I'd already put together.

"Kels?" she asked after a moment.

"Yeah," I said. "I just... okay. I don't know if it's too early to be thinking about this but... how do I, you know... like, when you and Alex got together and Leia..."

"Are you trying to figure out how you're gonna tell Baylee about Jimmy?" she guessed with perfect accuracy.

I nodded, tapping my fingers distractedly on my mug of hot chocolate.

"I think you just tell her," she said after a moment. "I mean, I know that's easier said than done. Alex and I stressed about it for ages. Well, I did, anyway. But like, I read articles and shit, I made pros and cons lists, I tried to think of every possible question she might have, and when we finally sat down and told her about it--" She stopped, laughing as she shook her head. "She just told me that I had better buy more macaroni and hot dogs because she'd got it into her head that it was Alex's favourite food."

I nodded. "Yeah, but..."

"But Baylee isn't Leia," she finished. "And then there's Daniel."

"Exactly!" I almost spilled my hot chocolate. "Like, I can't tell Baylee not to tell Daniel about Jimmy, but if he finds out I'm seeing someone... I don't even want to know what shit he'll try to pull."

"Right," she said. "Shit. I meant that Baylee has a dad so she might... but yeah, that's worse."

"But I can't keep it a secret," I said. "I mean, it's not fair, but it's also not realistic."

She looked at me warily. "Because...?"

"Get your head out of the gutter. I mean that we see each other regularly because of the girls. And Baylee might not be the most observant kid, but she's not stupid."

"Ah. Right."

"And because I'm going to have a hard time keeping my hands off him since he's pretty freakin' hot."

Em groaned and threw more popcorn at me as I took my turn to cackle wildly.

"Ignoring that part of it, you've got a point," she said. "Leia will know something's up, too."

"But it's way too early to... to say anything," I said. "Right?"

She shrugged. "Maybe. But I mean, do you think Baylee's going to be upset or excited about it?"

I shook my head. "I have no idea. I know she likes Jimmy, so I doubt she's going to be upset, but I don't know. And if she's excited, that's great... unless something, um, doesn't work out."

She sipped her hot chocolate, studying me over the rim of the mug. "Are you saying that because you're not sure if you want to be with him or--"

"No," I said firmly. "I do. A lot. But if he doesn't--"

"He does." She put the mug down on the coffee table. "Look, if you think Baylee's unobservant, you should see Alex sometimes. He didn't notice the hickey until after he figured it out. He said that Jimmy's practically glowing, Kels. Like his feet aren't even touching the ground, he's so fucking happy."

"Huh. I didn't think I was that good in the sack," I muttered.

"You know damn well it's about way more than how good of a fuck you are," she said bluntly. "So unless you're planning on keeping this from the girls for ages while you try to figure out something that everyone else already knows, that's a non-issue."

I toyed with my lip ring and didn't say anything.

"You have enough other shit to stress about," she said. "You don't need to add this to it. If you want my opinion, tell the girls. Maybe after Christmas since... I mean, Leia shouldn't find out before Baylee does. Whether you do or you don't, it's going to be the right decision and it's going to be the wrong decision. You never know what's going to fuck a kid up, but at the end of it all, Baylee's always going to know you tried to do what was best for her."