Selfish Love

And she seemed to be okay, at least, for most of the day on Sunday. She seemed so okay that I almost wondered if I should bring it up casually, ask her how she'd feel if Mom started spending more time with someone she cared about very much.

It wasn't until bedtime that it became obvious that Baylee wasn't quite back to her normal self.

"I la-la-la-love you, my little firefly," I sang as I tucked the blankets around her and made sure the stuffy she pretended she was too old for was within reach so she could grab it after I left the room like she always did.

"And I la-la-la-love you, Mommy," she sang back.

She hadn't called me Mommy in a very long time. The word alone was still enough to trigger that tingling maternal instinct that something was wrong. Swallowing back my worry in the hopes that she wouldn't see it, I brushed her hair off her forehead so I could lean forward and kiss it.

"What's wrong, Bay?" I whisper-sang.

She was quiet for a moment, then opened her mouth. Then, frowning, she closed it before starting again.

"Can we break the no-talking rule tonight?" she asked.

I brushed her hair back again, trying to calm my own nerves. "Just for tonight."

Her mouth twitched and she nodded, but didn't say anything.

"Are you going to tell me why?" I finally asked.

"Uh-huh."

I waited for another moment as she seemed to think, then looked up at me.

"I didn't tell Dad I wanted to come home," she said. "I'm happy he did 'cause I wanted to but I didn't tell him that 'cause I thought Santa might think it was naughty 'cause he'd think I was being ungracious."

"Ungracious?"

"Grandma said little girls who don't wear dresses and go to church and listen to their dads are ungracious," she said. "And ungracious girls don't go on the nice list."

The fucking rotten old bitch. Two and a half days was all it had taken to make my little girl question herself.

"Your grandma is wrong," I said bluntly. "Very wrong. You're not 'ungracious' and those things aren't what makes a little girl gracious or nice or anything."

"But what if it makes Santa put me on the naughty list?"

I glanced from left to right, then leaned in. "Tell you what. If you really want to know, I'll tell you how Santa decides who's on the nice list."

Baylee's eyes brightened and she nodded.

"You get on the nice list by doing good things for people and being nice to animals and always trying your very best," I whispered conspiratorially. "Santa knows when people try to do the right thing and even if we make mistakes, he understands. As long as you try to be a good person, Santa will put you on the nice list."

"Really?"

"Really."

She looked relieved for a moment before her face clouded over again. "Okay, but how did Dad know I wanted to come home?"

"That I don't know, sweetie."

She twisted her mouth. "Well, I'm glad he did. I dunno why he was so grumpy all the time. Normally when I have Dad Day we do fun things but now he wants to tell me what to do all the time and I don't want to listen to him. I think I'd rather be ungracious."

I slid my arm around her shoulders so I could hug her.

"Be ungracious," I said. "It's better than being disingenuous."

"What's disig... disjigin..."

"Disingenuous." I kissed the top of her head. "It means fake. If your choice is to be rude or to be yourself, be yourself."

"Be myself," she repeated, then untangled her arms from the blankets so she could hug me back. "I'm glad I get to spend Christmas with you, Mommy. Dad and Grandma are pretty dis-igneous."

"Disingenuous."

"What-ev-ev-ev-ev-ever," she sang, and I knew that she was going to be okay.

Still, I figured it couldn't hurt to let things settle for a few days before telling her about me and Jimmy. Once I was sure she was asleep, I called him.

"It means things for us--like, you-and-me us--have to be quiet for a little bit," I said after I finished telling him. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he replied.

"It means we can't really... you know."

"Fuck?"

"I was going to say act any differently than we usually do, but it's good to know where your priorities are," I teased.

"My priorities are what's best for Baylee," he said. "You know what she needs better than anyone."

I couldn't hold back a smile as I looked down at my hands. "I don't want to feel like I'm making you wait for me."

"Make me wait," he said. "I don't care if it's a few days or weeks or months, whatever. Waiting for you is worth it."

He wasn't there, so he couldn't see me roll my eyes, but I did it anyway to cover up the way my heart fluttered. "That was cheesy as fuck."

"I can't help it if the truth is cheesy as fuck," he said.

"Smooth."

"You think so?"

"Mm-hmm."

"How smooth?"

I glanced towards the stairs, then lowered my voice. "Smooth enough to get your cock in my mouth, if you were here."

He let out a low, steady exhale. "Fuck. What'd I say about a few days?"

"Maybe Em will take one for the team and watch the girls for a while. Pretty sure she owes me at least one from when she and Alex first got together."

"God, I fucking hope so."

She didn't, though. Not because she didn't want to or anything, but because it was a few days before Christmas and so many other things came up that I almost didn't have time to refresh my hair colour like I'd wanted to--almost. Even though they didn't live across the street anymore, Baylee and Leia weren't used to going for so long without seeing each other; between school and Girl Scouts and everything in between, they were together more often than not.

It worked out okay, though. The studio apparently wasn't very busy that week, so neither Jimmy nor Alex had to go into work very often. So it only made sense for them to tag along when the girls wanted to go ice skating and then see the Christmas light display at the zoo on Christmas-Eve-Eve. And even though Jimmy and I still had to keep our hands to ourselves and pretend like nothing had changed, it was nice to be able to see him rather than having whispered phone calls and text message conversations that I kept having to archive so Baylee wouldn't see them when she insisted on playing with my new phone.

Even though it was really hard to keep my hands to myself.

"You have got to stop walking in front of me like that," he dared to whisper while we were at the zoo and the girls had bolted ahead to get in line for hot chocolate, Alex following as he dug his wallet out.

"Like what?" I murmured back.

"Like with that fine ass of yours. It's driving me crazy."

"Don't look at it, then."

"What else am I supposed to look at?"

I snorted. "The Christmas lights? The animals?"

"There's Christmas lights here?" he asked innocently. "I hadn't even noticed."

I tried not to smile, but it was completely futile. "Stop staring at my ass."

"I can't help it. You keep walking in front of me and those jeans look so damn good..." He trailed off, then surreptitiously slipped his hand between us and down to my ass.

"You're torturing me," I breathed.

"I'm torturing myself," he replied, squeezing just firmly enough to make me stand a little straighter in the hopes no one had noticed the way I'd jumped. "I thought grabbing your ass would help a little but all it's making me want to do is--"

"You two are taking some big risks right now," Em said as she walked up beside us.

Which was true, as much as neither of us wanted to hear it, and Jimmy reluctantly took his hand back.

"Sorry," Em said, sounding a lot more amused than she did apologetic. "What time are you and Baylee coming over tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Christmas Eve? To stay the night? So we can spend Christmas Day together and the girls can open their--" She went silent, mouthing the words 'Taylor Swift tickets' "--at the same time? You said, and I quote: 'I'll be there no matter what.'"

"I didn't know if that was still on the table," I said.

She rolled her eyes. "Duh, Kelsie. Duh."

"You're taking after the girls now?"

"Who do you think they got it from? Anyway, you might as well come over for dinner."

"What about me?" Jimmy asked.

"You can come for dinner if you want. I'm assuming you're going home after, though, since you don't want the girls to know--" She went silent again, mouthing something that looked a lot like 'that the two of you are fucking.' "Or you could sleep on the couch, I guess."

"I'll probably just go home," Jimmy said, though he sounded a bit sad.

"Sorry," I said. "Next year you can have the guest room."

"I can have it?" he repeated. "Where are you going to sleep?"

"Probably also in the guest room."

Before he could respond with anything but a smile and Em could do much more than roll her eyes again, the girls raced back with steaming styrofoam cups of hot chocolate, smiles bright with sugar-glazed excitement as we resumed our walk through the zoo.

What Jimmy and I should have done was have him come over to my place after Baylee was in bed that night so he could secretly pick up the gifts that "Santa" was going to drop off for her the next evening. That way, we could have quietly fucked each other's brains out and gotten it out of our systems.

But we didn't.

Instead, that night when I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about his cock, I got out of bed and dyed my hair--not blue, but a shockingly festive candy apple red--then snuck the gifts into the car and covered them with a blanket so Baylee couldn't see them when we drove over to Alex and Em's. My intent was to sneak them into the house after the girls went to bed on Christmas Eve. But of course, between the excitement and the Christmas cookies and raucous singing of carols, they didn't go to bed until quite late.

And then, of course, we had to wait while they giggled and chatted and tried to listen for Santa's reindeer on the roof.

And by the time they fell asleep, Em and Alex had already put Leia's presents out because it was much quieter for them to sneak the gifts out of their hiding place than it was for me to go outside and trek back into the house, so I said they should go off to bed and that Jimmy could help me carry the gifts in.

And I wasn't fooling anyone with that excuse, but even though Em and Alex one hundred percent knew what I was doing, they very kindly played along and said their goodnights so they could go off and fuck each other's brains out.

Which left me, Jimmy, and the dreamy anticipation of Christmas morning as the only things stirring, unless Alex and Em had a mice problem we didn't know about.

Jimmy wanted to put the presents out, so I leaned against the wall in the living room, illuminated only by the warm, twinkling lights decorating the tree. They flickered as he tucked one last gift carefully in its place. He stood up, regarded the display of gifts nestled beneath boughs of pine, then bent forward to adjust one of the colourful packages the slightest bit.

"There," he said softly.

"Excuse me, Santa, have you seen my boyfriend?" I teased. "I thought I left him in here but--oh, Jimmy! I didn't recognize you. My mistake."

He turned and tried to scowl at me, with little success. "You saying I look like a chubby old guy with a beard?"

"You look nothing like Mike."

Any semblance of his scowl disappeared as he tried not to laugh. "Sorry to burst your bubble, but I ain't Santa, Ms. Bauer."

"Too bad," I sighed. "I was hoping I could sit on your lap."

"Well shit, maybe I spoke too soon." He glanced down the hallway that led to Leia's room, then without another word, pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

And I kissed him back, melting in his arms as that one kiss turned to two, and then three, and then--

"Maybe we should go down to the guest room," I breathed against his mouth.

"So Baylee doesn't come out and see Mommy kissing Santa Claus?"

I smirked. "You're such a smart ass."

"Watch yourself. Don't want to end up on the naughty list."

"I would've thought you wanted your girlfriend on the naughty list."

"Hmm... now that you mention it..."

I nipped lightly at his lip. "C'mon. Come fuck me before you go."

He made the softest, sweetest, most enticing sound, then let me take his hand and guide him through the darkened house to the guest room in the basement.

We kept it down as much as possible, though in hindsight, there was no need for it. Alex and Em didn't live in a shitty little townhouse with paper-thin walls. On top of that, Alex was a musician. There was soundproofing built into the damn place.

But Jimmy and I were both a little distracted at that point, so we didn't think of that.

It had only been two days since we'd last been together, but no one would have ever guessed that based on the desperate way we were pawing at each other. Jimmy practically tore his shirt off as soon as the guest room door closed, dropping it to the floor as he reached for me again. Strong hands cradled either side of my face, guiding my lips up to his, capturing my breath and my heart as he urged me back towards the bed. I let him guide me happily, reaching down to unbutton his jeans as we did that strange, lurching kind of walk that would have been much more efficient if we would've stopped kissing for five seconds.

Except we had no desire to stop kissing for even five seconds, so "awkward lurch towards the bed until the mattress hit the back of my thighs and I ended up on my back with a half-dressed Jimmy on top of me" it was.

I spread my legs for him as he pinned me down, running my hands along his sides and back as he moved my hair away from my face. He didn't try to hide his eagerness, kissing me with earnest passion full of fire and need and exhilaration. I tried to keep up with his lips, but he wanted so much of me all at once that it was all I could do to sit there, letting him take everything I wanted so desperately for him to have.

It was a moment of whispers, heartbeat after heartbeat urging each other on. He nestled against me, the rigid bulge I hadn't quite managed to free before we ended up on the bed pressing needily against my still-covered pussy. That didn't stop him from grinding forward, seeking whatever friction he could and driving me mad with the promise of more. I pushed my hips up to meet him, seeking more as my panties started to dampen, and more as that hollow ache of need began deep in my stomach, and more as my pussy throbbed insistently, desperate to be filled with him.

With all of him.

And he knew that; I said as much, multiple times, pleading in his ear for him to fuck me, please just fucking fuck me, Jimmy. And I felt him smirk and smile and chuckle as he kissed my jaw and neck and collarbone, positioning me so my legs were hooked over his thighs while his hands indulged in the rest of me. Fingertips pushed beneath my sweater--an ugly Christmas one, of course, because when the fuck else could I wear something so wonderfully tacky--and inched along my skin, feasting at the same time they lingered at the same time they completely tortured me.

By the time he finally touched my breasts, I was a mess. My body jerked when he toyed with my nipple, then trembled as he pinched it softly, then began to quake as he flicked the pad of his thumb back and forth across the hard, sensitive little bud. My breath hitched and Jimmy hesitated; as soon as he did, I seized his forearm and looked up at him frantically.

"Don't stop," I gasped, and he immediately resumed, and seconds later, I was fucking coming.

His cock was still pressed against me, that much was true, but I was completely certain that it had nothing to do with the sudden pleasure overtaking my body. It was a familiar sensation in a way that was entirely brand new, peaks and valleys of intensity that threatened to overwhelm me before receding, only to crash back through me seconds later. I clutched Jimmy's arm, my eyes closed and my body quivering. It was only when I squeezed his arm harder and tugged it away because my nipple was painfully oversensitive that he stopped playing with it.

If someone had walked in at the moment I opened my eyes, they would have been hard pressed to figure out which one of us had just came solely by the looks on our faces. Jimmy looked mind-blown, his eyes wide and round and so hilariously awed that I couldn't stop myself from laughing, though it was an exhausted, stunned-sounding chuckle as I rested heavily against the pillow.

"Holy shit," he said. "Did you--"

"Yep."

"Just from--"

"Uh-huh."

"I thought that was, like, an urban legend."

"Apparently not."

"Apparently...?" He trailed off, then looked stunned as the realization hit him. "That was the first time you've--"

"Mm-hmm."

"Holy shit," he whispered again. "So I made you--"

"--have a crazy intense orgasm just from playing with my nipples, yes," I said. "Yes, you did."

"Holy shit," he said for the third, and then fourth, time: "Holy shit."

Had my mind not just been completely blown into a hazy, drifting sort of place, I might have made fun of his inability to say anything else. Instead, I reached up and pulled his face down to mine so I could kiss away his ability to talk while I recovered.

Those kisses turned to more, of course, and my hands wandered as I worked to remove the rest of Jimmy's clothes. It took a bit longer than I wanted because I kept being interrupted by Jimmy undressing me, but eventually we were both stripped naked, skin pressed to skin as we held each other and touched each other and enjoyed every inch of each other.

His cock brushed against me as he moved, hard and throbbing and dragging drops of precum all over my stomach and thighs and pussy. And I was soaked, my pussy drenched, so much so that Jimmy almost moaned louder than I did when he reached down and swept his fingers along my folds before easily delving two fingers into my waiting entrance. His thumb lazily massaged my clit as his fingers moved inside me, filling me just enough to make me positively desperate for more of him.

"Kels," he whispered. "Can I, uh..."

"Fuck me? Yes."

He laughed. "Yeah, but like... in a certain way? If it's okay with you?"

"Stop fucking around and tell me what you want."

Between his hesitation and the redness of his face, I was expecting something weird. Like, maybe not weird-weird, but maybe one of those things that you don't bring up in the middle of hooking up since it might warrant a bit more of a conversation, like anal or revealing that you're super into electrostimulation or using Red Vines as bondage ropes or something. And had it been something like that, I would've been willing to forgive it. After all, Jimmy and I were both kind of new to this and I trusted him, even if his theoretical timing had been a little off.

But it wasn't anything like that.

"I want to fuck you from behind," he finally muttered.

"Like... like doggy style?"

He nodded and I pressed my lips together, trying not to laugh.

"I mean, yeah," I said. "You don't even have to consider it your Christmas present or anything."

He groaned, pressed his forehead to mine as a shiver ran through him, then kissed me one last time before moving away so I could turn over. I grabbed the pillow from the head of the bed and tucked it beneath me, got on my hands and knees, then looked over my shoulder at the man who had his eyes completely glued to my ass and thighs.

I didn't know what he was seeing, obviously, since my eyes were on the front of my head, but the look on his face told a story so clear that I could almost picture it. His eyes moved back and forth, taking in the roundness of my ass and the span of my thighs, which I knew were probably glistening given how glazed my pussy was. Then his fingers, again, spoke the rest of the story; he trailed them up the back of my thighs, mesmerized as he touched the scorching place between my legs.