Selfish Love

And she had a point. A really good point. So when Jimmy picked me up later that night after work, though thankfully before Alex and Leia had returned, I told him what I'd decided.

Well, not while we were driving. While we were driving, I made it clear I'd probably had one too many spiked peppermint hot chocolates and told him what I was going to do to his cock when we got back to my place.

And then when we got back to my place, I did all those things I told him I was going to do to his cock, which involved trying to suck every last drop of cum out of him as he sat on the couch in the living room, the Christmas lights twinkling in my eyes as he ran his fingers through my hair.

And once that was done, Jimmy had to hold me for a while as he recovered, murmuring again and again how amazing my mouth was and completely bolstering my confidence when it came to cock-sucking.

It wasn't until after Baylee called to say goodnight--thankfully sounding much more cheerful than she had when she called at dinner to tell me her favourite part of the day, which was slightly more cheerful than she had been when she called in the morning, though she did almost cry when she said Daniel told her she wouldn't be able to call me until after church the next day--that I mentioned it.

"I gotta ask," Jimmy said as I hung up the phone, laughter in his voice.

"Ask what?"

"The singing. D'you--"

"Every single night," I said. "And I'll probably cry when she finally tells me she doesn't want to sing her goodnights anymore."

"Ah."

"And yes, I realize I suck at singing."

"Your words, not mine."

I rolled my eyes, then took a deep breath. "So. Speaking of Baylee. What do you think about coming over the day after Christmas and spending it with me and her? That's when she'll be, um, opening her Christmas presents from me and Santa."

He studied me, a half-smile on his face. "Isn't she gonna wonder why I'm there?"

"Not after I tell her that we're... you know."

"Fucking?"

I smacked his arm. "I am not telling her we're fucking!"

He laughed and pulled me into his arms, kissing my cheek, then my jaw, then my neck. "You're gonna tell her you're my girlfriend?"

Girlfriend.

It was such a stupid word but it made my heart flutter all the same.

"Yeah," I whispered. "I'm your girlfriend."

His arms tightened and his lips travelled to my collarbone, teeth grazing my skin lightly before he slipped a hand beneath my shirt.

"And I'm your boyfriend," he murmured.

"You are. Will you be there?"

"I fucking better."

My heart fluttered again and I pressed a kiss against the side of his head. "Good."

I felt him smile as he pushed my shirt up, fingers teasing along the edge of my bra before he delved beneath it.

Then, I felt his expression change to one of confusion.

"What the..."

I looked down as he pulled his hand out of my bra, accompanied by some exceptionally crumbled popcorn, and started laughing so hard I couldn't tell him why I had popcorn in my bra.

The laughter might have put his exploration on pause, but it definitely didn't stop him from continuing his expedition once I'd calmed down. He undressed me both carefully and carelessly, letting his clothes and mine fall arbitrarily around the living room until we were both naked, making love on the carpet next to the Christmas tree.

And that's what it was: making love. It wasn't fucking or sex or hooking up or getting off. There was no pretending it was anything less than what it was. I couldn't say it, not out loud, not so soon.

But I felt it.

And I was sure he felt it, too.

At some point, we made it back up to my bedroom. I wasn't sure when; time both mattered and didn't, not when Baylee wasn't home and Jimmy was occupying all my senses. We made love again, and a time or two after that, and I slept safe in his arms, his body curled up behind mine and holding me close.

And it was good. It was so, so good.

Since Baylee wasn't calling first thing the following morning, Jimmy woke up before I did. And that was wonderful because it meant I got to wake up with something hot and thick and hard resting on my ass and fingertips gently tracing patterns along my waist.

I didn't say anything as I blinked the sleep from my eyes, just luxuriated in the feel of him until I was ready to press myself back so his cock was nestled comfortably between my ass cheeks.

He groaned when I did, the pattern he was making near my ribs stuttering as he pushed himself forward. That hand began to trace across my ribs and up to my breasts, groping me with a sleepy satisfaction that was almost wholesome in its appreciation. I murmured my approval as he fondled me, playing with my nipples and dragging his fingers along my cleavage.

"Can I?" he eventually breathed against my neck, pushing his hips forward and grinding against me harder.

"How do you want me?" I replied.

He nuzzled against me, his smile obvious. "Just like this."

I almost protested; I almost asked him if he'd somehow forgotten I had a dump truck ass even though his cock was literally nestled against it, and that meant that spooning wasn't a position that would be possible. Thankfully, I didn't say anything, because apparently I'd forgotten that Jimmy had an exceptionally decent sized cock.

It still took some work for him to get his head inside my pussy. When he did, my mouth fell open. I felt tight, like I was stretching even more than usual to accommodate his thickness, almost to the point that I couldn't handle it. I whimpered as he pushed forward, his cock demanding space inside of me in a way I was all too happy to allow, and just when it seemed like I couldn't take any more of him, I felt his pelvis press firmly against my ass.

He held himself there, slipping his hand down my body and between my legs, his fingers clumsy as he shoved them against my pussy. It took him a moment, but he found my clit, making my body twitch. He made a pleased noise, then began to move.

And oh God, was it good.

His cock must have been soaked with my juices by the time we both finished; I swear I was gushing against him as I came, my body reacting in a way that was familiar in the most unfamiliar way. And when he finished, I couldn't help but think I would never get tired of the noises he made when came, or the way his arms shook even as they tightened around me. I wouldn't ever stop loving the feeling of him drenching my pussy, the way his cock throbbed as he flooded me with wave after wave of cum.

It was so good.

I was kind of hoping for a repeat of the previous day, a mix of dozing and fucking and soft conversation surrounded by sheets and blankets, and we seemed well on our way there when there was a knock on the door.

"Who's that?" I asked, frowning.

"I dunno," Jimmy said. "It's not me."

I laughed, then reluctantly peeled myself away from him. I took a moment to stretch before grabbing a pair of jeans and pulling on a hoodie as Jimmy sluggishly pushed the covers back.

"You can stay here," I said, leaning over and kissing him as whoever it was knocked on the door again, louder this time. "I'll be right back."

Thank God he didn't listen to me.

"Kels, your phone is ringing," he called as I reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Let it ring," I replied. A third round of knocking started, more urgently this time. I glared at the door, bewildered and annoyed and puzzled all at once. "What the fuck?"

What the fuck didn't even begin to cover it.

The moment I opened the door, a whirlwind of energy burst forward.

"Mom!" she shrieked, nearly tackling me to the floor as she threw her arms around me.

"Baylee," I said dumbly, looking down and belatedly hugging her back. "Hey, sweetie."

"There," Daniel said, folding his arms moodily as he stood shivering on the doorstep. "She's home."

I stared at him, eyes wide, thoughts racing through a blank mind as I tried to process what was happening.

"I missed you," Baylee whined, pressing her head against my stomach.

"I missed you more," I said. "Why don't you go--"

And then I stopped.

Because Jimmy was upstairs.

And so was Baylee's bedroom.

But I couldn't very well ask Daniel what the actual fuck was going on while Baylee was standing there because unlike Daniel, I had no desire to use my daughter's presence as a weapon or a tool or to make a point.

I paused long enough that Daniel took note. An eyebrow flicked up as he looked at me and my heart started to pound, so hard that my legs began to feel like rubber.

And then Jimmy saved me.

"Okay Kels, I got the last of those present--uhh, pres... presentations, uh, presentation folders put away," he said, thundering down the stairs and faking shock as he saw Baylee standing there.

Or maybe it wasn't fake.

Yeah, he might've been playing along, but it probably wasn't entirely fake.

"Jimmy?" Baylee said, letting go of me. "What're you doing here?"

"I was, uh, helping your mom with... with this thing she has to do for work," he said.

Baylee frowned suspiciously. "On Sunday?"

"Uh-huh."

"That's weird."

Jimmy chuckled. "Yeah, that's what I said, too."

"Right," I said. "Bay, go put your things away in your room."

"Okay," she said obliviously, and she grabbed her bags--including a couple I'd never seen before stuffed full of new toys and presents and clothes--and practically skipped up the stairs.

I waited until I heard her footsteps in the hallway before I turned to Daniel.

"You've moved your spare key," he said conversationally. "I was starting to worry we'd freeze to death waiting for you."

"What the fuck?"

"Language, my dear."

My face went red. "What do you want?"

"Nothing," he said stiffly. "She wanted to come home."

"I'm supposed to believe that after you showed up and fucking--"

"Do you always swear so much?"

"--took her with no fucking notice?" I said, ignoring him.

"Perhaps I had a change of heart," he said.

"Tell me the truth," I said, gritting my teeth.

"Perhaps you should have your..." He motioned at Jimmy, who was still standing somewhat behind me. "... whoever that is, go to the other room."

"Nah," Jimmy said coldly. "I'll wait here, if you don't mind."

Another eyebrow flick from Daniel.

"Jimmy can wait there," I said.

"Jimmy," Daniel repeated, then a look of recognition crossed his face. "Are you Jimmy Reilly?"

"I am," Jimmy replied cautiously.

"Hmm." Daniel took a breath, his mouth twisting as though he'd smelled something bad. "Well, Mr. Reilly, perhaps you can inform Mr. Acton that Baylee is home safe and sound."

I stared at Daniel, trying not to let my confusion show and failing miserably. "What does Mike have to do with this?"

During my marriage to Daniel, I got used to being made to feel stupid. He had it down to a simple look, his cold eyes full of a condescending impatience that used to make my skin crawl and my spirit shrink smaller and smaller. It was terrifying what that man could do with a look, how he could reduce me to feeling like I was simply a husk of a human going through the motions of life with no more sense of self than a cockroach.

He controlled me with looks like that, consumed me, used them as warning sirens to the storm that could come should I choose not to heed him. Looks like that would make me freeze, shake, tremble from across a room.

Looks like that had terrified me for years.

Right then, standing on my doorstep in the frozen air of a Sunday morning, Daniel tried to give me one of those terrifying looks. I saw the hint of psychopathy, the twinkle of a man who knew how to cause pain and enjoyed it, who wanted to throw some biting remark at me...

And who couldn't.

"You seem to have friends in high places that you don't even know about," he said instead, disdain barely disguised beneath the acute politeness of his tone. "That's very interesting, my dear."

"Don't call me your dear," I said.

He smirked. "My dear--"

"Did you not hear her?" Jimmy said pointedly from behind me. "Or are you that fucking stupid?"

It was a risky statement. It could have gone incredibly badly. I don't think Jimmy thought through how badly mouthing off like that could have gone, though I couldn't blame him. He'd never had to stand in front of Daniel, shaking like a leaf and staring him in the eyes while trying to keep track of where his fists were in case I had to duck.

But it didn't go badly.

Not for me, at least.

Daniel, on the other hand, had a strange look on his face. It took me a moment to recognize it as nerves.

"As I said." He stopped, clearing his throat. "Please inform Mike that Baylee is home. Should she wish to spend time with her family again, I will ensure we discuss it with plenty of notice."

"Would you like to tell me why you've had this change of heart?" I dared to ask.

"No," he replied. "I would like to say goodbye to my daughter."

There was no use pressing for more information. Daniel wouldn't tell me any more than he had to simply because something had caused him to give up an iota of control and he was going to grasp at any and all other things that he could control. Whatever Mike had done, it had shaken him, so badly that he'd skipped church and brought Baylee home when he'd gone to all that trouble to get her for so long.

It had shaken him more than anything had shaken him before.

And that was saying something, because the man who knelt down to hug my daughter and tell her that he loved her was not the kind of man who let much shake him. Not visits from police officers responding to reports of a domestic incident. Not being served divorce papers. Not the fact that he'd put me in the hospital. I mean, he was the kind of man who manipulated a girl for years and years, with no reservations and no repercussions and, most significantly, no regrets.

It took a lot to shake a man like that.

As he left, I didn't know if I was impressed or terrified that Big Mike was such a scary motherfucker that the scariest motherfucker I knew was afraid of him.

And I didn't know if I brave for all those times I'd backtalked to him, or just incredibly stupid.

I didn't know what he'd done, what he'd said, how he'd managed to track down my ex-husband and my daughter. I didn't know what connections he had. Jimmy didn't seem to either, not that I could ask him right that second, but when I texted him later that day, he swore up and down that he had no idea.

Alex might have known. He probably did. Em probably did, too. I mean, she probably instigated it; I didn't know how else Mike would have even known what happened or who Daniel was.

And I could have asked her. I could have called her and said Baylee wanted to play with Leia and then grilled Em for details. I could have pushed and pressed and insisted that she tell me what she'd done. I could have demanded that Mike tell me how he found Daniel, how he'd managed to do what I never could and stir up some semblance of emotion from the icy depths of Daniel's would-be soul.

And maybe I should have. I mean, knowledge like that could be invaluable. It could have changed everything. Whatever Mike knew or did, I could have used that to cut Daniel out of my life once and for all.

Or maybe not. Maybe Mike dealt in veiled threats and backroom deals. Maybe he'd manipulated the manipulator, somehow finding something that Daniel was afraid of and would take seriously. And maybe I could leverage that, find a way to make Daniel agree to get the fuck out of my life forever.

Because I was tired of having monsters in my life. And he was a monster, the worst of them all. I might have had all sorts of little monsters in me, but they were only there because Daniel had laid them there like little parasitic larvae. He was the father of monsters.

But he was also the father of my daughter.

And if there was one thing I could remember about the girl I'd been before Daniel ruined me, it was that I'd hated being told what to do. I'd hated being told what to wear, who to talk to, how to act, and what to think. Daniel had done what my parents couldn't, which was to break me, subdue me, turn me into a docile little woman who would nod when she was told to and come up with excuses for her blackened eyes when necessary. And God help me, I would never let anyone fuck with Baylee's mind the way Daniel had fucked with mine.

Daniel got to me because my parents tried to force me to be the daughter they wanted instead of the daughter they had. Growing up with them was a battle and the scars from that had left me vulnerable.

Baylee would never end up with scars like that because there were no conditions to my love. She had it, wholly and completely, forever.

In my daughter, I saw the girl I might have been. And even if that wasn't the girl she wanted to be, that was okay; she could be anything she wanted. But I saw bits of myself in her that I recognized vaguely, like they were childhood friends who I hadn't seen in decades. And one of those bits was her inherent need to pave her own way, to make her own choices, to go against what people said simply because complacency wasn't in her blood.

I couldn't be the bad guy, not when it came to Daniel. Taking away her ability to choose to have him in her life would only push her towards him. I knew that as much as I knew I'd love my daughter with everything in me, no matter what choices she made.

There was no question that he loved her too, or at least, the way that he felt about her was the closest to love he was capable of. He hurt me, but he wouldn't hurt her, and that was what mattered most.

She would understand, one day. I dreaded the thought of the day she realized what kind of man her father was. I dreaded dealing with the broken heart caused by the one man in her life who was supposed to never let her down. But it was a discovery she had to make on her own, and when she did, I would still be there, loving her unconditionally.

And maybe that would be enough to patch her heart back together.

Still, maybe I should have asked Em and Mike what they had done. Maybe I should have known what kind of people I had in my corner. Maybe I wanted to know so that I could have that moment of vindication after all those years of putting up with him, so I could get vengeance for all the horrible things he'd put me through, so I could punish him the way he'd punished me.

But I'd already dedicated enough of my life to Daniel. So instead, I chose ignorance.

I chose hugging Baylee so tightly and for so long that she took a huge, gasping, dramatic gulp of air when she finally managed to squirm away.

I chose telling her to go upstairs and bring all of her new clothes down to the washing machine so I could sneak a kiss with Jimmy and whisper to him that we'd talk later and figure out a new plan for telling Baylee about us, oh and also, could he give me a ride back to Em's to get my car and pretend like he'd brought me home out of the kindness of his heart so she didn't suspect anything?

I chose to be the bigger person, to let the universe punish Daniel, to focus my energy on the things I could control--the things I wanted to control--the things that would bring me joy and happiness and all things good instead of giving one more second of my time to thinking about him.

I chose to be selfish, and I didn't feel guilty about it at all.

Nineteen

Jimmy and I decided to wait until after Christmas to tell Baylee about us, like we'd originally planned, and then promptly fucked that up.

The intent was to give her time to return to some semblance of normalcy. At first I wasn't sure if she'd need that time. I thought maybe she'd be regular old Baylee with her bountiful grins and bold statements and wild dreams, innocently oblivious to the chaos that had swirled around her life for the past few days. She was eight, after all, and maybe she would take everything that had happened at face value.