by kailab
try to put in titles(or a title) for every new part of the story...and the story seems to be talking too much nonsense..
I'm sorry, but I tried to keep reading this, I really did, but the grammar and punctuation, not to mention the constantly disrupted flow of the story, just kept me from enjoying it at all. It has a fair storyline from where I stopped reading but it's just too choppy and broken up. Maybe if you got an editor then it would be much better.
Totalll agree with the previous comment. The plot line has a lot of potential to become a brilliant story, but your grammar and punctuation are horrible. Have you thought about finding an editor? It always helps to have another look at the draft.
The story line is promising, but please work on your grammar and punctuation - the story is almost unreadable, because of it.