All Comments on 'Shameless'

This one, I think, might be improved with a bit more... substance, I'm guessing.

It is a story of redemption - good choice! However, the redemption comes with little agony, all at the end. No doubts on the part of the protagonists, no feel of real movement. How have the protagonists fundamentally changed? It all seemed just their circumstances shifting...

The two weeks seemed too idyllic. Why did Bobert give the female protagonist to the male protagonist - what was he trying to prove? I can guess, but there is some virtue to showing it to make it more real.

Redemption is a path where you come to terms with your own failures. Here, the female lead is redeemed by past history and through no action of her own. The male lead was more interesting in his failures, but he was called back to life by a romantic notion about the female lead - this makes the redemption suspect, since it is not based in self realization.

Eh - YMMV. I like the tone, and the characters have promise. Monster and Ex certainly have enough hooks in them to foster a serial. I'm not sure what the story would be like with the original horror element... certainly Monster would fit in, and maybe there might be more of a sense of agony and terror... but I will not know, will I?

In any event, I found the story and read it with great anticipation - as I will your next.

Hope this is of use, and...

Thanks -

Green-something

Cant help but wonder what the story is for Monster and Ex! More coming?

Wow , simply wow !

You sir , have a helluva future , IMHO.

You are simply a superb action story teller / writer . In that order. I think that the actual imagination to come up with this kind of storyline has to be rare as Hell !

You have certainly won this reader over. This is like reading Clancy , or Ludlum , or Cussler before they were household names.

Thank you for that wonderfully compact , action packed yarn.

Simply amazing.

5 *'s !!!

5* and professional jealousy. I wish I had your gift.

A little long winded in the beginning but it was hard to put down. There was a lot of story packed into those 2 pages. Great job. I look forward to more from you.

Two pages filled with so many little bits of information, so many interesting characters, such drama, lots of questions but not many answers. It is as if there are pages full of stories just waiting to be written. With this much potential I am looking forward to learning more about Ex, Chief, Monster, Pogo, et al.

Well executed (pun intended) tale. Would love to see more of the details of the other characters, especially Monster and Ex.

5/5

Pub the other version on Stories On Line . Net, add to it, it seemed to be too short.

*****

Thanks for sharing.

... Not everyone has the "knack" for hitting the heart strings but you've nailed two stories in a row. That isn't a fluke. I've got a sneaky suspicion that, as readers, we won't have around you very long but I'll just enjoy your writing while it lasts.

Nicely written. The main character was believable and his long slow climb out of hell was a nice redemption. And circling back to the opening theme ("everyone has to have a name") with Zascha earning her new one was a clever twist.

Beyond that, my only real complaint was the erotic element was minimal.

Keep up the good work.

A rare gem in the LW category.

Please please keep writing and posting.

This is one of the few stories that 5* is not high enough a score.

Keep'em coming. I would like to read the unedited version of this one as well. I assume it's also substantially longer, with more character development and detail.

it flowed nicely after that. I have the feeling we have a writer that looks for a little more than the boiler plate stories. We readers need to enjoy this guy while we can. Writers that start this hot tend to go pro or just get bored. I enjoyed this story and the characters created for it.

for their actions or way of life, TK U MLJ LV NV

Very engaging story. I thought it was well written and rather tight.Introduces us to an interesting group of characters.

Engaging, fast-paced, creative, and difficult to put down. Everything you want in a good story. It isn't an erotic story, but then, most of the best stories here aren't erotic in nature. You definitely have a gift for creating engaging characters and action sequences.

One quibble: I found the overuse of sentence fragments, single-sentence paragraphs, and sentences beginning with "and" and "but" to be off-putting after awhile. I understand that this is told from the first-person, and that's how this character speaks, but still, it was a little overdone.

Thanks for contributing such imaginative stories to this often-predictable category!

I found it a bit hard to follow, at first; but as I became comfortable with your writing style, very enjoyable. Full marks from me.

Our elementary school English teachers told us some rules when we started writing. "Don't end sentences with prepositions," "Don't split infinitives," "Don't begin sentences with conjunctions or conjunctive adverbs." Those were all useful when we began to write and it is good to know the rules.Mostly, we should follow the rules. If we know the rules, we understand when to break them, and why. We leave elementary school behind and make new rules that work for us in writing. You break all the rules and it makes for engaging style. Well done.

Fantastic story. You really have a creative eye to flesh out characters. Looking forward to enjoying more of your talent.

Do you delete positive comments?

First story I've ever cried over on Literotica.

Although I never heard of the Russian name Zascha, this was a great story. It fits well in the LW category as she turned out to fit that title. Some parts were kind of dark but written in a very good format. Descriptive blood and guts doesn't often go well. It was a very good story of resurrection for both she and he. Besides, it was done on only two pages. Keep up the excellent work.

Tiny Tim

You gave us just enough hints throughout so we could begin to see in our own minds some of the back story of the characters you created for us. Not true back stories I realize but conjecture makes a story better for each of the readers. Personalizes the characters for each of us. If a writer can give that gift to his readers he also helps himself to become a better writer, I think. So, all of that said, it was a pretty complete story of the lives of some otherwise dysfunctional people who found a niche for themselves.

Thanks for sharing this story with us. You seem to be growing as a writer with each story you post. Keep up the good work and remember this good comment when you write something I don't like and I tell you about it.

Not Much More that I can say. Glad you toned the violence down. To me, one sign of an excellent writer is to create a "sense of darkness" in the story without detailing it violent act by violent act. You did this.

Keep sharing your talent

Ed

Fun read with feel good ending.

Thanks

A simple, nice story,you have a different writing style but once i got used to it was easy to follow

Thank you for sharing and you have full marks from me,well done

but "kicked back" from where? The dark version was originally posted then removed from Literotica's "Hating Wives"?

I suspect you kicked it back just enough. It brought out the emotions without overdoing it. 5*

I enjoyed your story it was very well written. I liked the characters just couldn't imagine them attending the Govener's Ball. Thanks for sharing. 4* from me

Your style of writing is very engaging to me. I like how you are able to convey so much feeling in such a short story.

I look forward to your next tale.

Thank you!

Read all three of your posts in a sitting. all 5s

Will read any others!!

Five... A great read...

As others have commented, fascinating story. Five stars. Love it when the good guys win. Well done!

You have to look through a lot of shit but this is why I still come here, keep writing please.

we were hoping you had died!!!

Needs his story told.

Soon.

Excellent read.

A very good story...Thank you...As the previous two, a very good one...Well written, all characters well described and ending with an Angel...4*

Of the best in a long while. I've read all you've submitted so far...waiting for more. New favorite author and story.

I also like how the protagonist wasn't a soldier or martial arts expert, just a regular guy. It let your minor characters play a role and created a desire, from me, to want to learn more about the others in your story.

Oh yeah, and 5 stars, naturally. Thank you for writing.

I also think you should do a story about monster. I love your writing. It's a breath of fresh air around here. We do still have a few great writers that contribute but nothing like this site used to have. Thanks again for the tale.

Ace

I liked it.

Short and sweet. Nice to see a new writer here, who knows how to write a story. Thank you

It was a bit brief and short on dramatic character details. I still don't understand what it is that Ex lost. Did she cheat on Monster? Sorry if I missed that.

Do some more, and better. I think you can.

We need more new authors like you in loving wives.Compared to the crap posted today, this one was outstanding reading. Good entertaining story. Keep them coming. Thanks for your contribution, I finally had something worthwhile to read today. (signed ML) 5*

Thanks again for the help. After some of the comments, I spent a couple hours this evening putting down Monster and Ex's story, just need some time tomorrow to polish it up. I've alluded to it in other places but I'll just say it outright: I don't plot these stories. At all. All I do is set up the opening bit, then I just follow the characters. That sounds a touch crazy. And now that I look at what I just put down, it looks even crazier. I can tinker with details and wording a bit, but the story quite literally goes where it chooses to go. Background characters show up and do things - and sometimes are things - that I don't expect.

I have one LW BTB in the chute already; they should post it soon. That one was a real blast to write, mostly because of one of the characters. It's fairly graphic which is not typically my style but it was fun to write. It's called "The Harpy".

But do yourself a favor and dont do editorial comments either pre or post story. I think they hurt author's scores and are used against them in the comments.

Looking fwd to more. Your name at the Shack would be ....let me think more,

In any event, pls continue sharing your gift.

Unbelievably good story. I bow to your greatness.

Now write an even better one.

Go on, I dare you!

Wrong category.

Alcohol does numbing things to us I'm finding it a hard lesson that's tough to escape. Your characters have a much larger back story than grease let us in on. Maybe your next story ? I past up your story at first based on the description, it seemed jumbled? Score and comments are equal and telling.

I enjoyed your story. I like people doing the right stuff, and helping their friend.

Says you.Listen dickhead, if every "slimy fetish" story is acceptable in this category so is this. It's refreshing to see a new author who can write something different in this category, instead of the willing cuckold themes that abound her daily. Good story author. 5* read.

The good people win. Hell I read mainstream historical and para normal romance just to have that gratitude of good winning out. And here I got it on Literotica. Really enjoyed it. Thought the prose read smoothly and effectively. Plot was well done. Enough character development so we can identify with them. What is not to like? Thank you for your efforts.

You're the hot ticket on this site right now. I am so looking forward to reading more of your work. Thanks for sharing your talent.

One word in your story made me give you 5:

"Clear"

You're a damn good writer.

Excellent. Losing someone, rather than being cheated on as per usual on this site, is sad but explains the fall much better. There is no one to "show up", but the departed would surely want them to live on. Nice bar characters. I love the mis-nicknamed Bobert. People are great at striking to the heart of things. I had a guy working with me once with the last name Elsner, who kept missing work, and he got tagged "Elsewhere". Perfect justice. A very positive ending for the story, and the protagonist didn't have to go all Navy Seal/Bourne to do it, because he had a monster to bear that burden.

I don't usually read stories in this category because they very often have the same themes. Shameless was different. Nobody, that didn't deserve it, got hurt and it is very well written.

Would like some of the supporting cast members to be fleshed out a little more, but that can be done in other stories. The Shack could become a central location for a series............

Need to do a story on them

This was fantastic. 5 well deserved stars.

Very nice, but in the final confrontation it was obvious that there was some history between Loud Howard, Monster and Ex, maybe Pogo and Frank as well.

I would have been interested in just what that was, maybe in another story?

Thanks for the offering.

Really loved it. Full marks. Nothing more to say.

Whoops - I lied.

I want more.

I like your story telling. Very entertaining read. Thanks for sharing.

Excellent well written story. I'll have to check out your other stories.

The characters sort of pass into our minds by osmosis and we read into what you want us to see. Really great writing and stories

Marvelous creative piece. Looking forward to more of your work. SF VET

I really don't know how I missed these stories, but read "monster" and am happily reading through the others from oldest to newest. Your writing is a breath of fresh air, with vibrant characters and realistic plots. Five stars without any doubt.

You could seriously write and get it published,this is first class noire.

As some wrote on "Monster", you really should look into having these two published at least as a graphic novel. It is really, really good and I can see how it would work as a dark novel.

To quote LSD's expression of approval, "Full Marks" Excellent story. My only suggestion is that at the end of the horror and blood, when the adrenaline stopped pumping, they should have gone into emotional shock and collapsed. Maybe they did, but it was off camera, and reading about them working through their emotional state would have added to the story.

I liked the dialog, It is always a plus when characters talk like real people do, its difficult to do, and you do that quite well...well you don't use profanities in your dialog, which are perhaps more common in some people's spirited and alcohol driven speech.

As to the romance, they weren't in love, but in wild infatuation, which may or may not turn into love.

Loved the story

Chilley

Definitely enjoyed it!

This story could easily be a Dark Noir film.

Pretty bloody good story.

Perhaps some more detail would have been nice. Stretching the story to 3 oages.

A description or insight into how Shameless Zascha had to would have hiven us rraders the length Zascha was prepared to go for her daughter.

This is one of the best stories I have read on this site.

The amazing part is that you did it in 2 pages.

There are authors who wouldn't be able to tell the same story in under 10 and it would be an almost boring read that would need to be skimmed.

You have a gift. I truly believe you could write professionally easily.

If you did, I would be disappointed greatly because we would no longer be able to read your stories here.

Very very well done. If I could, I would give it a 15 star .. however I rather stupidly, accidentally hit 4 instead of 5. For that I apologize. Believe me, it was 5.

Excellent tale. In only two pages! Keep up the good work.

Five Stars

before reading the back story about Monster and Ex.

Just as good as the first time. moving on.

I've been reading (and writing) on this site, and today I find your stories. Where have you been all this time? I've read two so far and they have been magnificent. Sorry I can't sign this, but I have password problems and can't access my page.

Potsherd.

return to the shack. i know i will.

Thanks

For a good and short story with everything

Just change it to nonerotic or romance category or leave it

It's a good Change from routine cheat and other stuff

Amazing how you could create such a powerful emotional adventure in just 2 pages.

VERY well done!

And I'm glad that the mistreatment of Zascha wasn't elaborated any further, there would have been no need of that.

I have no words to adequately describe how beautiful, deep and riveting this story was!

I believe I've gained a new favorite author...

Smokepole

To discover such an author here, at Literotica. I am humbled by your talent.

To read a tale of woe and happness here.....my hat off to you good author.

are no match for a real Pro. TK U MLJ LV NV

From this story, but as a reader of great things thriller related, I think it would have added more to the story. As it is, its a great stand alone and even more so as a chapter in "The Shack" series. I've read the others and they kick just as much posterior as this one does.

Great job again, 5 * and a MKB

for another great story!

Now that I've read this for the third time, I'll comment...just terrific. It flows. It is engaging. It pulls me as a reader into the drama. Todd172, your skill at writing and your wordy 'pictographs' make your storytelling skills a marvel. I can see this story as a 1 hr television drama. Anyone here associated with tv production??? We need Todd172 to have some $$$ so he can have the time to write more.

please continue with these "SHACK" characters and their stories.

I recently found this story in the Hall of Fame for the Loving Wives category and liked the story a lot. As another anonymous comment mentioned, though, Zascha doesn't sound like a Russian name. However, Sasha IS a Russian name, so as I read the story I substituted Sasha for the name of the main character every time her name was mentioned.

The name of the dead Mafia man is probably Dmitri and not Mitri.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sasha_(name)

Just excellent. Thankyou for sharing your talent.

"Sasha" is a very generic name - the kid across the street is called Sasha (for Alexander or Alexandra), I have know several people (mostly male) who use Sasha, and of course you could get to Sasha from Natasha... which, from google is a shortening of Natalia, which means child born on Christmas - of various, going to Sanskrit, origins...

Frankly, there is a problem in Russian names - everyone is named Alexander or variants (not really, but you get the idea)... which leads to a lot of creativity with diminutives and nicknames. Mitri from Dimitri? Sure. Zascha from Sasha? Why not? Could the author be trying not to use the real names of the people he is actually thinking of? Probably...

Now, how many Slavic types do you know who are light blonds? Could Zasha be from a non-Slavic ethnic group, and so have "non-Russian" sounding names? Sure...

I have kvetched about story details (slow atomic explosions recently come to mind) - but names are fluid, and authorial prerogative is strong in those cases.

Green-something

(looking forward to more about "Angel" - although balancing dark action and conflicted heroism for that character in this forum where BTB and attendant misogyny is so popular seems to be a risky business... I'd put it in Romance and let the critters complain... would be an important lesson here though. St. Clair - Angel seems to shift the Angel character over many thousands of miles.. I am confused. Multiple Angels? Same Angel, mixed story lines?)

All,

I have to confess that, although I speak a number of languages, Russian (along with German BTW) is not one I am fluent in. I know just enough to order a vodka - or five, find the bathroom, and get my face slapped. So I got the name "Zascha" off a list of Russian baby names.

As to Angel from the Shack's story, it will be called "A Parable of Wolves" whenever I get it done - and it is not in any way connected with Saint Clair: Angel. Saint Clair titles are plays on female arch-types.

Todd172

Outstanding 5*

The name Russia came from the Rus, who were basically Vikings that realized it was even more profitable to stay and rule over the people instead of raiding and killing them, like the Normans who took the Normandy part of France and later conquered England.

But unlike the Normans they faced the Mongols and that was the end of them as a ruling group.

Still there is plenty of light skinned blond genetic material there.

maybe i misread but i was under the impression that this would be tied to blue topaz eyes somehow, I guess thats on me, either way it was a good read. 5

having trouble. unable to give it five stars? slap hapy papy #9

These stories should be expanded on and tied together. They would make a helluva series. If you do let me know where and when to buy em.

Wonderful reading time!

I have to agree with an earlier comment if you do or our epublishing please share the information. I know of and have read read 3 authors (2 have several books) from this site who are publishing on the A monster site! Your work is definitely quality! If you are happy here on this site I am really happy to keep reading!

So please keep writing and I will keep reading.

Straight out of "To Have and Have Not" with Bogey and Bacall.

African Queen Is Another Great Humphrey Bogart, Katherine Hepburn Movie!.. And here is the deal Maker.... "It Has A Boat".......I Love The Shack Stories!.... Simply Brilliant!

Anyway that's my Comment 5 Stars ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ WOOF!