Something in the Water

But when I saw his face, when I heard his voice, the finality of what used to be came crashing down on me and I couldn't handle it the way I used to.

The curtains billowed gently while I watched, from the cool tile floor, day burn out into a fiery twilight before fizzling out into a cool inky night. My back had started aching about an hour ago, and my arm had died about an hour before that, but I couldn't have moved if you'd said the place was on fire.

He was still so beautiful. Still enigmatic, still...him. What had happened; what had changed so much that I wasn't enough, what had stayed the same so much that he had to leave me to find...more? Why the vague explanation, why the pitiful letter (it was more of a note), and what...what's he got now that he didn't have with me? These were questions I needed answers to, questions I demanded answers to.

I was braver now, stronger somehow and I wasn't going to let him slip through my fingers before he told me everything.

With great effort, I pulled myself off the floor, made my way to the shower to wash away the stink that had settled onto my skin over the last few years; the kind of stink that made it clear to all who looked that I was broken, I was less than and I was unworthy. I stood under that spray and allowed the water to flow through and over me; to steel me for what came next and to make me new.

This was my own weird little baptism; Andrew's going to be different, better. I'm more than enough, and I planned on letting it show.

I put on the tightest pair of black jeans I had and a linen shirt that I left open enough to leave nothing to the imagination. I didn't have muscles like some of these men, but I had youth and definition and a sex appeal that somehow landed a hot sonofabitch like Robert, so I must have something worth looking at.

Down at the bar, I took a seat and ordered a martini. I was going to wait for a table, have a meal by myself, treat myself, and if Robby boy happened to make an appearance, I'd be more than happy to accompany him in a bid to finally get some answers. But whatever happens, this was now my time to take care of me.

"A- Andrew...I hope I'm not interrupting." not even ten minutes and the man was right there. The sound of his voice grated against my nerves, turning the pit of my stomach and gnawed at my palms. Without turning to face him, I took a sip of my martini and spoke.

"Take a seat, it won't be long now." my voice sounded different, confident; I wasn't sure I'd ever felt confident in myself before, I liked it. He tentatively took a seat. His scent was everywhere; a spicy vanilla that had been my everything at one point, one I'd searched desperately for throughout the condo after he'd left, one I'd followed down the street behind some unwitting stranger, one I now loathed alongside the man it emanated from.

"He'll have a scotch, double, on the rocks." I said before the barman could ask. He looked at me, confused, before shrugging and pouring the drink. I slid it over to Robert. Robert sat still, turning slightly towards me, waiting, hoping to say something maybe, hoping I'd say something maybe, but I wasn't ready yet. I was going to make him wait, I was going to milk this moment of power for all I've got and I was going to make sure things moved at the pace I was ready for.

The scotch arrived, Robert clung to the perspiring glass and downed the entire drink in one go before nodding for another. The silence between us grew tense, Robert shifted uncomfortably once more before sighing in defeat.

"Andrew..." he began, but it wasn't his time, it was mine.

"No, not yet, drink up and be quiet." I felt it, like I was being rude, a testament to my upbringing and my people pleasing ways, a valiant vestige of my former self fighting to apologise and make things right, but I didn't care anymore. We sat in silence and waited, I took slow sips from my martini and he held tight onto his third glass of scotch.

Before things became too uncomfortable, I was called to my table and stood without looking back at whether or not Robert would follow. I knew if he wanted to see me, if he wanted to talk to me, he would follow. And he did.

He graciously pulled a chair out for me, I smirked, sat down and we ordered. We appeared as two friends sharing a meal, for someone who knew us from our past, they'd be caught by the familiarity of the picture, the old romance of it all, how wrong they would be, all of them. Things had changed, I was no longer the naïve boy who allowed himself to be used, and he wasn't the god on earth I once saw him as. I watched him chew his steak, I wanted to slap the shit out of him, again, but I was calmer, smarter, more controlled now.

"Did you find it?" I finally said. He needed no explanation. He knew what I was referring to. I watched as the light died from his eyes, I watched as his mind worked; I hoped it wasn't about to conjure up some lie.

"I don't know, to be honest." that wasn't any better of an answer. I didn't know which I would have preferred, him saying that he had, confirming that I was indeed not enough, unworthy and less than, or him saying that he hadn't, which meant that he broke my heart for nothing.

"If we're going to do this, if we're going to sit here and be civilised and act like adults and talk, then we have to be honest about everything. You have to be honest, I have to be honest, even if what either of us say hurts or has the potential to hurt the other person, we have to be honest about our feelings and our experiences or we might as well call it a night because I am trying with everything in me, to be strong and to not freak out. So I need to know, everything, Robert." the strength I'd accumulated, the fierceness I had drummed up had all but disappeared and I was holding onto the last vestiges of the Andrew I wanted to be, the one I needed to be to be able to get through this.

"You're right, I'm sorry; for everything..." he began, but I'd heard enough 'I'm sorrys' to last a lifetime, I needed answers.

"Robert, we were together for ten years, you were my first love, my only love to be quite honest, and you were the man I imagined growing old with. Sure you had your faults, but I wanted to look past all of that and build something with you, something permanent." it wasn't the strong 'hear me roar' speech I'd planned, but it was a start.

"I know, you have no idea how important you were to me, how important you still are. I was your first, just as you were mine. Everything I know about love I learned from you, even thought I trampled all over the love you so freely offered me, you stuck by me, that's commitment and love and...forever, that's what forever is."

"But you left. If I was something so important to you, why did you leave? And don't give me the vague bullshit you tried to pass my way when you disappeared, I want the truth, in all its ugliness." I was shaking, the longer I was in his presence, the stronger his affect on me was. I felt him seeping into my bones, I felt his scent bleeding into my skin, I felt his eyes drawing me nearer, I felt his voice shaking me to the core. Strong Andrew was disappearing, fast.

"Because I was afraid." he finally said. It must have been a revelation for him, because it sure as hell wasn't one for me.

"Bull, you don't cry fear when you break someone's heart and you want to garner sympathy, no! You left, you disappeared, tried to sneak out without me knowing, with only a ridiculously vague note left behind, the day before my birthday, after we'd made love that very morning and you told me you loved me, you don't do that and get to look like you're the victim and I have to feel bad for you." a lone tear had escaped, I wrangled what was left of my strength and dignity and dug into the barely eaten steak on my plate.

"You're right, you're absolutely right, but it's true. I was afraid. I did some really fucked up things to you. I walked all over you, used you and took advantage of your love for me. I... I was cruel to you, and I am so sorry for that, but you have to believe that I left because I was ashamed and afraid. I was ashamed of the man I'd become, and like the coward I was, I decided to run, to not face you one more day and to not look you in the eye while I destroyed you one more time. I was afraid that you were going to stick around, for life, and you wanted me to do the same. I was afraid that I had to face you everyday and look at you knowing the things I did to you, torturing myself day in and day out while you loved and forgave me time and again, I was...god you don't know how sorry I am." It was his turn to cry. The tears streamed endlessly, his eyes a blotchy red and green, his face tight and his chest heaving as he tried valiantly to control the sobs.

I wanted to hold him, to please him, to protect him, to do something, but I didn't.

"You were a coward." I said, not caring about his tears, not allowing myself to fall into whatever trap he may have been planting.

"I'm so sorry, I ran because I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't the one looking for more; it was you who deserved more. I was too ashamed to admit that I wasn't enough for you; you were the one who was too good for me, you deserved better, I was never enough and I couldn't hold you back anymore. I was afraid if I didn't leave, you'd settle for me and I'd end up killing you. I loved you too much to watch you lose yourself because of my stupidity." his eyes bore into me, pleading, earnest and honest. It was...infuriating.

"Didn't you think I deserved a chance to make that decision on my own?" the growl in my voice was new to me, but I welcomed it.

"I was afraid you'd choose me, when you should be choosing yourself. I was a coward, yes, I took the right to decide away from you and I ran." Robert tried reaching across the table, but I pulled both hands out of his reach until they were across my chest. I wanted to appear strong, not petulant or hostile, but it couldn't be helped; I needed to protect myself somehow because if he held my hand, if there was even the faintest hint of skin on skin contact, I didn't know if I would be strong enough to let go and speak freely.

"Don't make it seem like you were saving me; you aren't the hero in this story. I deserved a say in our relationship, but you took that away from me. You took away my power; just like you did all those times you cheated on me and expected me to take you back."

"I didn't force you to take me back or accept my...the things that I did, you did it of your own volition."

"And I've hated myself for it ever since. I take full responsibility in my role in your infidelity; I allowed it, I told myself that I would never leave, so long as you loved me. I made it okay, I never put my foot down, but you certainly made it easy for me. You convinced me, at first, that it was for my protection; that you sleeping with every cheerleader at school, as many girls from our school, and the neighbouring schools and towns, was good for us because nobody would suspect us of being together if they knew you were a pussy hound and I was just your buddy who would be guilty by association. Then in college you told me that the guys you slept with meant nothing to you, that it was me who you spent the night with, me who you shared an apartment with and me who you loved, then when I wasn't convinced, you began hiding it from me, and called me crazy and unfair and clingy if I even suggested that you were having an affair.

"You made it very easy for me to accept everything, Robert; you took me away from my family to some town where I knew nobody, you made friends and had family and made sure that they understood I was just a plus one and a friend by association, and you made me feel like it was probably because of me that you sort sex from someone else, like something was wrong with me, so I wouldn't feel pretty enough to walk away. You made me make you my world, so I understood that without you, I had nothing and no one." I'd waited years to say this, years to finally speak my mind, to face Robert and tell him how I really felt. I was tired, bone tired and in need of something incredible.

He sat there, silent, thoughtful and visibly ashamed. His eyes downcast and his shoulders slumped; I waited for him to say something. The ball was in his court; if he denied anything, I was ready for a rebuttal, I was ready to fight.

"You're right." two words, that's all it took for the fight to be knocked out of me. That's all it took to knock me off kilter and to destroy all signs of rage that had been waiting to pounce on the pig. Too taken off guard to speak, Robert continued.

"I never treated you right. I abused you emotionally, took advantage of you and convinced myself that it was okay because you stayed. I also convinced myself that I was being the bigger person for breaking things off because I was saving you from me. I'm a coward with an ego, I'm sorry. I never deserved you. Not when we were thirteen, not while we were living together, and certainly not now. I know this is probably too much to ask for, I know it's probably going to take a second for you to let it sink in, but I'd like to ask for your forgiveness." his voice still had that rumble, but it was softer, careful and delicate, like I was going to shatter if he spoke any louder.

I was silent, I didn't know what to think; was he an idiot for thinking I would ever forgive him, or was it time to finally put him behind me and to move on with my life? That's why I'd come here, right? Fate intervened and made sure he was here so I could get closure, so maybe I should do the right thing, for me, and let it and him go.

"You don't have to give me an answer now, you don't even have to give me an answer at all; this is purely for you. I don't know if this is too much to ask, but I'm leaving in a few days, and I was hoping to catch up with you, nothing like old times, just...I don't know. I'm leaving, I don't expect us to ever see each other again, let me make it up to you, to finally close this chapter the right way, I guess." his eyes were back on me, the green slightly brighter with hope and his cheeks a tinge rosier. Did I want to forgive him? Probably, did I want to do it right now? No, did I want to hang out with him? I wasn't sure. It's probably dangerous, but we had tonight to figure out if it would happen or not.

"Where are you headed?" I asked casually, not giving him an answer, just opening up a line of communication so I had time to think things through. I took a bite from the steak and looked up at his bright emerald eyes and his hopeful smile. He cleared his throat before answering.

"Somewhere I've never been, somewhere special I think." his voice grew lighter, softer with a bit of that sensual rumble that always got me going.

I wanted to ask, but I was too afraid of the answer, so I let it hang in the air, hoping he'd latch onto it like he'd done when I had something on my mind and he always knew what it was.

"No, I'm on my own. The last two years have been testing for me; I suffered, particularly the last year, but I'm better now, I'm free." there was a calmness to him that hadn't been there before. Part of his appeal was the tortured artist vibe he gave off, the aloof coldness that drew people to him and made them seek his approval. Now, he seemed relaxed and less strained.

"I'm glad to hear you're better, I guess." this was still very awkward territory, but we'd try to make it work. I wasn't sure what our relationship was, but I was going to give it a shot and feel better for having tried instead of regretting that I hadn't.

"And you, have you met someone since..." the threat of our earlier tension hung on the tip of his tongue, but we were both saved by the sound of a very excited little boy who had a habit of appearing out of thin air.

"Mister praying man! Mister praying man, you're here too! Look!!" young Ethan came running like a miniature tornado before screeching to a halt and cocking his head to the side while he considered me.

"Why are you sad?" his small voice wavered at the end like he was seconds away from bursting into tears himself. I hadn't noticed the redness of my eyes until Ethan said something. I smiled reassuringly before dabbing them with a napkin and answering the concerned little boy.

"Hey buddy, I'm okay; these are just happy tears. I'm not sad, I promise." it was half true, I wasn't sad anymore. He looked at me as though trying to determine if what I'd said was true, before he surprised the heck out of me and jumped into my arms with the tightest most precious hug I'd ever received. He reminded me of my little nephew Matty, who was turning five in a few days. I hugged him back, pleased to welcome the unconditional affection of a child.

"It's okay, daddy gets sad too." he whispered reassuringly. This love was too much, I was on the verge of a few more tears when the sound of a very tired, very familiar rumble broke through the quiet Ethan and I had developed once more.

"Ethan!! What did I tell you about running off without..." big Ethan came rushing towards us once again, this time his eyes trained on my own. The frown from earlier today gone, this time replaced by confusion.

"It's okay, it's okay, I was talking to my new friend. What's your name?" the joys of being a kid; you get to walk up to complete strangers, give them a hug and ask their names so you could be friends.

Simpler times.

His father stood silently behind him, obviously understanding that his son was just going to nag him until he agreed to meet and speak to me.

"My name is Andrew Tate, or just Andrew." I said to the little guy. He smiled the biggest, brightest smile I'd ever seen and stuck out his small hand.

"Nice to meet you, Mr Andrew Tate. My name is Ethan Parker, I'm five and a half years old and I like fish." I chuckled before reaching for his small hand and shook it.

"Pleasure to meet you, Ethan Parker." I looked up apologetically to his father and was struck by the intensity of his grey eyes. He looked just about ready to slaughter something, or someone. I cleared my throat, looked away and smiled conspiratorially at Ethan.

"You should probably go now, and don't give your father a heartache next time, okay? And thank you for the hug, I feel much better now." Ethan looked crestfallen, but nodded his head before smiling once more for me.

"Okay, I'll give him a hug also so he can feel better too." he turned on his heel and was gone like the wind, leaving a very confused me and a very intense Big Ethan behind. I shifted uncomfortably before the slight movement was enough to spur him out of his thoughts. He mumbled what must have been an apology and ran after an already gone Ethan.

"Looks like you have a fan." the light laugh from Robert reminded me that he was still with me. I looked up at his smiling face and couldn't help but laugh.

"I can't help it; kids love me for some reason. I think in my past life I was a parent to ten kids or something, and I loved them all." I laughed wistfully.

"Maybe even in your present life, who knows." Robert took a bite out of his food before the pair of us went on with our evening, talking about nothing in particular, avoiding hot topics, and trying to figure our new "relationship" out.

I had a restless night filled with dreams that looked like dreams and felt like dreams, but had a nightmarish undercurrent to them. All I remember was that Robert was there, saving me, taking me and devouring me, before taking me out into the ocean and leaving me to fend for myself. Then a bright grey sun blinded me and a pair of strong hands grabbed me just as I climax before I woke up.

I woke up sweaty, exhausted and excited for a day out on the beach. Robert had suggested we meet there today, just to hang out since he was leaving soon. I'd agreed, with only the slightest hint of apprehension, and now there I was; sunscreen on, eyes closed and shades on under an umbrella on a picturesque beach day.